Stay With Me

by E. R. Wade

  NINETEEN

  Julian

  It’s been four days. Four agonizingly long days since I’ve touched her. Now, here I am in the office blatantly staring at her instead of working on the multi-story complex we’ve been contracted to design. If I’m not careful, I’m going to ruin our arrangement. Her only condition is that this thing between us doesn’t affect her job, but with the way I’m gazing longingly at her, people are bound to notice which will no doubt get them talking and as a consequence affect her job.

  “Does she know?”

  I don’t bother turning towards the direction of the voice. Over the years, Nadya has become a really good friend and one of the very few people I trust. I don’t pretend not to know what she’s talking about. She’s seen me looking at Sofia one time too many and she can’t have missed the fact that I never stop her when she’s talking to me about Sofia particularly when it has nothing to do with work. There’s no doubt in my mind that she knows I’m involved with Sofia.

  “No.”

  “Are you going to tell her?”

  “I should.”

  “She likes you.”

  I don’t say anything. I shouldn’t even be having this conversation. I should be focused on the commercial complex I’m currently designing. I drag my gaze away from where Sofia is standing and talking to Alana and Lucas, and focus on the plans spread out in front of me hoping Nadya will take the hint. She doesn’t.

  “Julian, tell her. The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes.”

  “I know,” I tell her, dragging a hand through my hair. It’s been banging on my mind from the beginning but the words don’t want to come out. I admit that a big part of that is because I know that Sofia and I would be done. I don’t want to be done. I want her. But I can’t ask her to stay with me this way. It would be wrong. As things stand, I’m finding it difficult to look at myself in the mirror. The guilt is eating me up.

  “It’s not going to end well,” I add, finally looking at Nadya who has moved closer to me and is now standing beside me.

  “You don’t know that. Open up to her and give her the chance to decide for herself.”

  Nadya is a romantic. She thinks Sofia and I would weather the storm together. As a realist, I know better.

  “No matter how I look at this situation, it’s not going to go the way I want. Either she doesn’t forgive me for keeping it from her or she does but will want nothing to do with me.”

  “You don’t know that for certain, Julian.”

  “Don’t I? Let’s say she forgives me and she decides that she wants to be with me. We’re going to have some sort of uncertain relationship which will eventually tear us apart if nothing changes.”

  “What do you want?”

  I tell her the truth. “Her.”

  She beams up at me. “Then tell her,” she urges. “Let her tell you what she wants.”

  “Even if she forgives me, I can’t ask her to stay with me.”

  “Why not? What if that’s what she wants too?” I start to shake my head but she continues speaking, ignoring my gesture. “It will be her decision. Don’t take it away from her.”

  Pressing on, she adds, “Julian, you deserve to be happy and I can see that she makes you happy. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’ve been smiling more, and you’ve stopped avoiding the office.” She places a delicate hand on my arm. “You’ve been alone for too long. I’ve been hoping for a long time that you’ll start to feel again. Give yourself a chance. Please. Tell her, and let her choose you.”

  “She deserves to be happy too.” I hear Sofia’s laughter but I refuse to turn and see who’s making her laugh, and besides I think I’ve stared enough at her for one day. I hope it’s not Lucas though because he’s a bit too friendly for my liking.

  “She’s happy, and I’m sure you’re one of the reasons why.”

  I give in and steal a brief glance at her just as she’s walking away from Lucas and Alana. She does look happy, but I don’t know if I’m one of the reasons why. My beautiful, sweet and brilliant Sofia. My? I remind myself that she’s not mine. If things were different, I would have made her mine and her happiness would be my priority.

  I spend the rest of the day forcing myself to focus on the work I have in front of me and trying hard not to think of Sofia. It has been difficult. After spending the night at my place on Friday, I reluctantly took her home Saturday afternoon. When I got back to my apartment, it felt empty. I missed having her there. My feelings for her have grown to unmanageable proportions.

  Being so close to her in the office but not able to touch her or talk to her the way I want has almost driven me crazy, such that when it’s time for me to leave the office, I’m filled with relief. I’m meeting David, Nadya’s husband and one of my good friends from childhood, for a drink.

  I enter the bar and spot David sitting at the bar nursing a drink. I’m surprised to see that he’s here already. He’s the vice president of global marketing in a wearable technology company.

  “I see you couldn’t wait to hit the bottle,” I say in greeting. I climb onto the seat next to him and signal the bartender to give me the same beer he’s drinking.

  It’s Wednesday night, and the bar is somewhat full, most likely because it’s happy hour till nine o’clock. I should be in my study working or at the very least looking through the interior design plans Nadya sent to me just before I left the office. Of course the plans are prepared by the woman I can’t get out of my mind.

  David turns to me. “I figured that I better have some alcohol in me if I’m going to be looking at your ugly mug for the next couple of hours instead of my beautiful wife.”

  “Your beautiful wife is hiding out in the office. If not for the kids, man.” I give him a mock pitying look.

  “She’s still in the office because she works for a grumpy fucker,” he shoots back.

  Chuckling, I say, “Nadya can’t find a better boss. No one else will let her constantly interfere in their life.”

  “Speaking of which, Nadya tells me you’re seeing someone.”

  I am about to take a swig of my beer but I stop, holding the bottle in mid-air. Lowering the bottle slowly back on the counter, I raise an eyebrow at David.

  “Don’t you and your wife have better things to discuss than whether or not I am involved with a woman?”

  David is unconcerned by my acerbic tone. “Are you?”

  “Am I what?”

  “Are you seeing her? Sofia, right?” he persists.

  I try really hard not to clench my hand on the bottle, and stay relaxed. “No, I’m not,” I say casually.

  He doesn’t believe me. “That’s not what I’ve been hearing.”

  “Your wife needs to stay out of my personal life. She’s like a mother hen, always fussing,” I grumble irritably.

  David shrugs. “Whatever makes her happy.” I’m about to take a swig again when he asks, “So what’s she like?”

  This time I don’t pause. “Who?”

  “Don’t be obtuse, man.”

  Ignoring him, I try to focus on my beer, and then at the rows of bottles behind the bar, but my mind conjures up images of Sofia. Sofia at work. Sofia laughing. Sofia sketching. Sofia drinking. Sofia on my bed. Sofia sleeping. Sofia sated. Her skin is glowing. Her vibrant auburn hair is spread out on the pillow. Her pink, kissable lips are slightly parted, inviting me to kiss her. She’s beautiful, inside and out. I feel a tightening in my chest. I take a deep breath hoping it would ease it. It doesn’t. A movement beside me reminds me of David’s presence, and that I haven’t answered his question. I take a huge gulp of my beer to moisten my dry throat before speaking.

  “She’s amazing.” Smart, kind-hearted, soft, patient and honest. “Just fucking amazing.”

  Looking pleased, David says, “Why don’t you invite her to Seth’s party next Saturday? I’d like to meet her. Nadya has only good things to say about her.”

  Take Sofia to David and Nadya’s son’s birthd
ay party? No, I don’t think so. The thought of us mingling with other couples and their kids in the park like we’re a couple scares and excites me.

  “We’re not like that,” I tell David.

  “How are you like?” he asks curiously, looking intently at me.

  That’s a good question. How are we like? We meet up for sex, except it’s a whole lot more than just sex. It’s not only the best sex I’ve ever had, my feelings are definitely involved. She’s constantly on my mind, and I find myself wondering what she’s doing and wanting to be with her. “We’re casual,” I finally say.

  “You don’t do casual.” He’s right, I don’t, or to be precise I never used to.

  “That was a different me.”

  “Julian, you’re still you. You haven’t changed in that regard.”

  “I’m not bringing her,” I say firmly.

  He gives me a long look, and after a few moments, he states calmly, “Well, I’m sure I’ll meet her soon enough. She must be really amazing to put up with the likes of you.” He takes a large gulp of his beer before saying pleasantly, “At least she’s brought you out of your abstinence. You already look more relaxed and approachable. Before Sofia, you were like a bear with a sore head.”

  Not caring that he’s joking and definitely trying to get a reaction out of me, I give him a death glare. “Why don’t you shut the fuck up?”

  “Okay, Julian. Relax. No need to be sensitive. I won’t mention your woman again, but I want to meet her soon or I might be tempted to pay my lovely wife a visit at her office.”

  “I’ll make sure to alert security that you’re not to be allowed in the building,” I say dryly. David chuckles in response. Keen to move the conversation to a safer topic, I ask him about the preparations for Seth’s party, and as I expected, he responds enthusiastically.

  David is a genuinely great guy, not to mention loyal and trustworthy. His life revolves around his family, and he’s quite vocal about his wife being his soul mate. I’ve known him for so many years, since the sixth grade to be precise. He, Sean and I were in middle school, high school and UCLA together. However, by the time we got to college, Sean and David’s friendship had fizzled out but he and I remained close.

  Nadya has been obvious about wanting me to start dating, but contrary to his wife, David has been in support of my decision not to date. His opinion has always been that I need to spend some time by myself and then meet the right woman, but that must have changed with whatever his wife has told him about Sofia. Sometimes I’m grateful for Nadya’s concern but other times I wish that she could just be a little less concerned.

  TWENTY

  Sofia

  “Sofia.”

  Startled, I look up right into Julian’s cold, hard blue eyes. It’s Friday night and I’m having dinner with my cousin, Matt, who came in from New York yesterday to see me. He’s leaving for L.A. tomorrow morning.

  “Hey,” I say, sounding flustered . . . and guilty? Why the heck do I sound this way? I’m just having dinner with Matt. I shouldn’t feel guilty, I haven’t done anything wrong. I smile uncertainly up at him.

  “I didn’t know you’d be here tonight.” He’s still looking at me with his unflinching cold gaze. He looks angry, and his voice is dripping with ice. I’ve never seen him angry.

  “You didn’t ask,” I point out. He never asks me what my plans are. We rarely ever talk about anything personal. To be fair, he’s opened up a little by talking about his sister and parents when I asked him to tell me something about himself, and knowing how jealously he guards his privacy, he let me into his place where no other woman except family has been in. I appreciate that, but as far as I am concerned, he’s made it clear that even though he feels somewhat comfortable around me, he doesn’t want to get too close to me. And he doesn’t want me asking him questions about his personal life. I know he likes me – not as much as I want him to – but more than he wants to evidently. He may not want to feel so much so that he can move on when he wants to.

  Thinking of him moving on fills my heart with dread.

  “Are you here alone?” I ask, not sure I want to know the answer even though I can’t stop myself from asking.

  “Of course.” He says it like he would not be with anyone else but me which confuses me to no end.

  “This is my cousin, Matt. He’s a professor at Chavill University and is in town visiting for a couple of days,” I say. I’m aware that Matt has been listening and watching us with undisguised interest.

  Relief flashes on Julian’s face, and I see the tension leave his body. I’m surprised by it, wondering if I imagined it. He turns to Matt.

  Extending his hand to him, he says “Julian Scott.” He adds as Matt shakes his hand, “I apologize for interrupting your dinner.”

  “No worries. You’re welcome to join us,” Matt says genially, no doubt interested in finding out more about Julian.

  “Thank you, but I was just leaving. Maybe some other time,” he says, glancing at me. I know there won’t be any other time. He’s obviously just being polite now that his curiosity has been satisfied.

  “Sofia.” His gaze drops to my cleavage and back up to my face. “It was lovely seeing you tonight.” He turns and walks out of the restaurant.

  I let out a breath. Julian is the last person I expected to see tonight. Thank goodness he was alone. I would have been deeply hurt if he was on a date. I know he doesn’t date but if he changes his mind, he’s not obligated to inform me, which means I’ll never know until I bump into him – with his date.

  “So . . . who was that?” Matt asks.

  I turn my attention back to my dinner companion. “A friend,” I say, trying to sound casual and pretending my heart isn’t beating a thousand times a second.

  “He doesn’t seem like just a friend. He was jealous as hell seeing us having dinner together. I thought he was going to punch me and drag you out of here,” he says with amusement in his voice.

  I laugh, not quite imagining Julian doing that. “Julian is not like that. He’s always so calm and controlled.”

  “That man is not calm,” Matt says, looking serious. “At least, not where you’re concerned.”

  “We’re having a casual relationship. It’s complicated.”

  Matt raises an eyebrow at me. “If it’s casual, it shouldn’t be complicated,” he states. “And besides, there’s nothing at all casual about him. No man reacts like that over a casual relationship. He wants you, and he doesn’t want to share.”

  “He’s not like that. You’re reading more into it than it really is.”

  Matt looks at me shrewdly. “You like him.”

  “I do but . . . Like I said, it’s complicated.” I can’t talk to him about Julian. “So, how are your students?”

  He sees through my blatant attempt to change the subject. “Does Wes know?”

  “Of course he doesn’t and he’s never going to find out.” I give Matt a meaningful look.

  He raises his hands in a mock gesture of surrender. “I won’t say a word, but I can promise you he’s going to find out.”

  “How could he possibly find out?” I ask.

  “You’re going to tell him, when you and Julian Scott finally figure out what you’re both doing.”

  “I’ve told you what –”

  “I know what you told me. When one or both of you decide to lay your cards on the table and be honest about your feelings, you’ll want to share your good news – hopefully.”

  “Hopefully?” I’m not sure I like the sound of that.

  ***

  Julian

  Fuck! What the hell was I thinking going up to Sofia like that and acting like a jealous boyfriend? I wanted to drag her out of the restaurant, and take her home. Of course, right after I’ve flattened the guy she’s having dinner with.

  I have never felt like this. Not once. Even when Addison was flirting with other guys to make me jealous, I was always amused. I never ever got angry which infuriated her and made her
flirt harder until I acted like I was upset after one of her encounters. Yet, here I am, acting like a caveman over Sofia. I had always assumed that I never got green-eyed over Addison because I trusted her but now I know that’s not the case because for some unexplainable reason, I know that Sofia isn’t sleeping with anyone else but me. She isn’t the type. I’m just fucking glad it’s her cousin she’s having dinner with. I don’t want any man who’s not family taking her out to dinner. I don’t want her going out on a date with anyone but me. I’m relieved that I didn’t lose it in the restaurant.

  Seeing her tonight has made me realize how much I don’t want to lose her. I know we had an understanding at the beginning that there’d be complete fidelity even though we weren’t a couple but we both know that she can walk away or sleep with someone else if she wants to, and I would have no say. It isn’t like I’m offering her a real relationship. The truth is that I have no claim on her. And that frightens me, much more than I understand.

  Thinking about Sofia with another man is making me lose my mind. I’m not the jealous type, I’ve never been and I hope this is just a phase that will pass eventually.

  Maybe I should have asked her to dinner. It would bring all sorts of complications, but I have to find a way to deal with them. I’d like to take her places, maybe to my favorite place by the lake just outside of the city. I haven’t taken anyone there and I haven’t been out with any woman except my mom and sister since Addison.

  Being out with Sofia is a risk. There’s always the possibility that we could bump into someone who knows me quite well. There is no avoiding it, I have to talk to her. It’s time I tell her the truth. It’s better she hears it from me than someone else. I can’t believe I’ve kept it from her for so long. Hating that part of my life is not an excuse.

  All my life I’ve always believed in total honesty but here I am, lying to a woman who means more to me than I thought possible. Lying by omission is still lying as far as I’m concerned. I should have told her before I touched her. I was so intrigued by her and I was so focused on getting inside her that rational thinking escaped me.