by E. R. Wade
“Yeah?”
“Will you please look at me?”
He turns and looks at me. I see the anger in his eyes. I know he is concerned about me, that she could have said something to me to try and damage what we have.
“She didn’t say anything to upset me.”
“She said she hates you, right to your face,” he points out.
“I would hate any woman you date after me.” I just wouldn’t say it to their faces. The thought of him with another woman causes a sharp pain in my chest. No, I would definitely not like any other woman he dates. I forcefully push the painful thoughts away and focus on the here and now.
Julian is scowling at me, and I feel some of his anger is now directed my way. “What do you mean after you?”
I eye him warily. He’s standing very still, his burning gaze piercing me. “You know,” I start, gesturing between me and him, and not quite sure what to say. “If we break up and you start seeing someone else,” I finish uncertainly. His gaze grew darker with each word that came out of my mouth.
He strides to the bed and I can’t help thinking that even angry, Julian looks breathtakingly sexy. I grip the sheet covering my breasts tighter. With a knee on the bed and a hand on the headboard, he cups my cheek with his other hand and leans slightly into me.
“You get a point for saying ‘if’ and not ‘when’, but Sofia there’ll be no after with anyone else. There will be only you. Do you understand me?” His eyes are staring into mine with so much intensity that I lose myself in his scorching gaze.
His words elicit so many emotions in me – excitement, happiness, elation, love and fear. He is everything I want. I’m staring back at him, unable to utter a word. Julian must have seen some of what I’m feeling reflected in my eyes because his gaze softens and he asks me in a gentler tone, “Do you understand?”
“Yes,” I breathe.
“Do you want that too?” he asks, caressing my cheek.
Yes! I’m screaming inside but my voice comes out small and breathless. “Yes.”
“Say it,” he orders softly.
“It will always only be you,” I tell him earnestly.
With a gleam of happiness and satisfaction, his lips seal mine in a stunning kiss that sends tingles through every part of me. His kiss feels like more than a kiss, it feels like a promise. A promise of our future together.
THIRTY-NINE
Julian
My phone rings and I look down to see who’s calling. Addison. I’m not sure I’m in the mood to speak to her especially after what she pulled with Sofia yesterday. Sofia convinced me with more than words that I didn’t have to go all the way to Addison’s house to speak to her, and that I had to calm down. I did calm down and called Addison instead, of course only after I assured Sofia repeatedly that I would be nice, but I made sure to make it clear to Addison in no uncertain terms that she should stay away from my girlfriend. She was uncharacteristically complaisant and apologized about seeking out Sofia, explaining that she wanted to meet the woman she was losing me to and knew I would not introduce them. That didn’t improve my mood. Why the fuck would I introduce them? I was still mad at her but Sofia insists that considering the situation, Addison was nothing but civil to her.
“Addison,” I say, answering her call. I might as well find out what she wants this time.
“Hello, Julian. I’ve signed the papers. Can you come to the house and collect them?”
Her statement takes me by surprise. “You signed them?” I ask carefully, just to be sure I heard her right.
“Yes, I did.”
The feeling of relief that rushes through me almost brings me to my knees. “I’ll ask Larry, my lawyer, to collect them tomorrow.”
As soon as I end this call, I’ll dial Larry. I am more than ready for this to be over. I’ll be free to date Sofia the way she deserves. She’ll never have to feel uncertain or unsure about my total commitment to her, or feel bad because she sees herself as the other woman. I hate those three words. The correct words are: the only woman.
“Please can you come and collect them? I’d like to talk to you if that’s okay.”
Some of the relief fades away. I hope this isn’t one of her games. “We have nothing to talk about, Addison. If you’ve really signed the papers, Larry will collect them.”
“Julian, please. I just want to talk. It doesn’t have to be at my house. Choose a place. I’ll meet you anywhere you want.”
What do we have to talk about? I don’t particularly want to see her but if it means that I get to collect the signed divorce papers, then I will. I can give her a few minutes to listen to whatever she has to say.
“I’m busy right now, but I’ll come over to the house in a couple of hours,” I tell her. “Addison, this had better be important.”
She sounds relieved. “Thank you Julian. It is.”
Two hours later, I’m sitting in one of the living rooms in her house. True to her word, Addison has signed the divorce papers.
“Your lawyer informed mine what you’re offering in the divorce. It’s generous of you but I don’t want anything. We should both leave the marriage with the assets we came in with, and the money you made is yours to keep.” She takes a deep breath, as if the words are difficult for her to say. “We both know that I don’t deserve any of it. I probably should be the one paying you.”
“Addison,” I say, shaking my head.
“Julian, please don’t spare my feelings. You’ve always advocated honesty and I’m being honest right now. So . . . thank you for the generous offer but I don’t want your money.”
“One of the reasons why I wanted to see you today is because I want to apologize to you in person for everything. My behavior when we were dating and when we were married is not something I’m proud of. I’m sorry I took you for granted. You might find it hard to believe but I was so in love with you back then, and I think I will always love you. I didn’t want to leave you.”
“Why did you?” I ask, out of curiosity. It stopped hurting a very long time ago.
“I’m too ashamed to go into the details. I should never have gotten involved with anyone else. I’m sorry about the baby. I wanted it to be yours so I pretended it was. I’m also sorry I lied about having amnesia. You were looking at me like a stranger and then I remembered what happened that night – all the horrible things I said to you – so I panicked. I thought I could take us back to happier times and maybe we could work things out and stay together. You know, for a long time, you were the one thing I wanted. Not just wanted, needed. Even after two years in a coma . . . I’m sorry I threatened you and for everything else. I didn’t mean any of it. The thought of you moving on without me was driving me crazy.”
“Addison, you don’t need to apologize. You and I are good.” I don’t want her feeling sad.
She gazes at me for a few seconds. She looks tired and resigned. I wish we could move past all of this.
“I know we’re okay and I know you’ve forgiven me for cheating on you. That’s why you were always at the hospital. But you haven’t forgiven him. That’s why you’re no longer friends.” She’s right. I forgave her a long time ago, but I can’t forgive Sean for the betrayal. He’s dead to me. “I’m sorry I came between you two. I know how much he meant to you and you to him.”
How much could I have meant to him if he could so easily sleep with my wife? It’s hard to believe that he’s the one person I would have given my life for, the person my parents raised as theirs. I didn’t for one second ever think he was capable of cheating and lying. It occurred to me, after I found out about the affair, that Sean would only have risked our friendship because he had strong feelings for Addison. But it didn’t take long for me to realize how wrong I was. After I confronted him, he never came to the hospital to see her again. He just disappeared. And then he got married and had a baby in quick succession, that’s when I knew that I truly had no idea who he was.
“It’s all in the past now. Let’s just con
centrate on moving forward,” I say soothingly, eager to move on from this particular conversation and erase the regretful look on her face.
“It feels like déjà vu,” she says with a grimace.
“What do you mean?”
Addison squeezes her eyes shut as if whatever is on her mind is causing her pain. She stays silent for so long that I think she’s not going to answer. “When we were together, I felt lost. You knew what you wanted to do with your life. You had purpose, I didn’t have any. I had hoped we would find out together but I felt like you left me behind. Except wanting you in my life, I didn’t know what else I wanted. I had a degree but I didn’t know what to do with it. Standing next to you, I felt defective.”
Stunned, I sit there staring at her resigned expression. It’s obvious to me that she’s being completely honest. I had no idea she felt that way. She always seemed so carefree and confident back then. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know . . . Saying it out loud would have been hard. It would mean admitting my inadequacies to you. There was the fear that you would eventually leave me. Why do you think I wanted us to get married as soon as possible? You were so damned perfect. I was sure you’d see right through me and leave me for someone who had her life all figured out.”
“Addison . . . I wasn’t perfect. I’m far from it. The only things I was certain I wanted back then were you and architecture. You came first for me. Every other thing, I had to figure it out one day at a time.” I look at her sadly, wondering for the millionth time if I could have done things differently, better. “I’m sorry. I had no idea you felt that way.” Could this be the reason why she was always trying to make me jealous? Because she felt insecure?
“I know. I should have told you.” Glancing at me she adds, “The value of hindsight, right?” There’s a slight pause before she continues softly in a voice thick with emotion. “I will always care about you, Julian. I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope without you but I’m hoping therapy and being with my family will help.”
“Everything will get better,” I say quietly. “You know we weren’t right for each other. It’s better this way.”
She doesn’t say anything to that. She walks to the window and stares out of it. I don’t think she sees the flowers and trees in the garden in front of her.
“She’s pretty,” she murmurs. I know she’s referring to Sofia. “She says you’re happy. Are you?”
I eye her thoughtfully. “Yes I am.”
She stands so still by the window, looking out into the garden. “Then I’m happy.”
It’s been three hours since I left Addison’s house. I turned off the freeway over two hours ago, and made my way to one of the many parks that dot the area. I’m sitting down on the grass by the lake with my back against the trunk of a tree, the early evening sun still glowing in the sky.
All around me are picnic tables occupied by families, kids playing soccer in the soccer fields, kids playing in the play areas, and people jogging and walking their dogs, but I don’t pay any attention to them. I didn’t mean to stop here. I just found myself driving here. I haven’t been to the park in years. My phone rings but I don’t bother to check who the caller is.
It’s been a day of revelations. To say I was astonished by Addison’s disclosure is putting it mildly. Knowing that she felt “lost” when we were together doesn’t make me feel good, and I am tempted to go over our entire relationship with a fine-tooth comb. But I know going down that road will be pointless. For all our sakes, it is better to leave the past where it belongs – firmly in the past.
I’m more than ready to start my future with Sofia.
FORTY
Sofia – Four weeks later
I’m staring into my fridge wondering what to have for dinner. My options are a chicken salad or yoghurt. I eye the transparent plastic pack with the leftover shredded chicken suspiciously, trying to remember how many days ago it has been sitting in the fridge. I really should have gone to the grocery store after work. Closing the fridge with a sigh, I reach for my phone to order a pizza.
The last couple of nights have been spent at Julian’s. Honestly, that man is a great cook, and of course great at other things too, the thoughts of which make me feel incredibly warm.
He’s having dinner with his sister, Liz, and her husband, Jeff, at Jeff’s new restaurant. I met his family three weeks ago, and they’ve been nothing but great, welcoming me with open arms. I had been feeling a little nervous that day, unsure of the reception I’d get and because I know how important they are to Julian. As soon as I met them, my nervousness melted away. We’ve been to dinner at his parents’ home every Sunday since then, and I love that I am now a part of their Sunday tradition. It’s just three weeks but they already feel like family to me. I can’t explain how or why but that’s the way I feel about them. Liz and Elaine have called me a couple of times each since we met and I’ve done the same too. The three of us had lunch last week, and we made plans to get together for some shopping next Saturday. Julian is pleased we’re getting along. I am too.
Since that day I met Addison a month ago, Julian and I haven’t discussed our future and there have been no further verbal references. We’ve both not said the L word yet even though I know I am irrevocably in love with him, and I am certain he feels the same way. So, although we haven’t said the word, I’m happy. We’re both happy. Life couldn’t be better.
The buzzer goes off. It can’t be the pizza delivery man. I may never have made a pizza in my life but even I know that it takes longer than five minutes.
I press the button. “Hello?”
“Baby.” Julian. My heart leaps with excitement. I wasn’t expecting to see him tonight. There’s something different about his voice. He sounds almost breathless. I have the door open and I’m waiting excitedly on the landing by the time he reaches my floor.
Without a word, he pulls me into the apartment and kicks the door shut. He cups my cheek with both hands, and kisses me deeply. I grip his shirt to stop from melting into a puddle at his feet. This kiss shows me everything – his passion, his desire and his need for me. Everything I want is all in his kiss.
After a few minutes of kissing passionately and caressing each other, he breaks the kiss. I open my eyes and meet his intense blue eyes.
“I love you,” he tells me softly. My heart stops beating. Oh my god. He said it. He said the words. He loves me. “I love you so much.” The emotion in his voice is unmistakable. My heart starts up, and is now beating so fast. I grip his shirt tighter for support. I’m trembling from excitement and elation.
“I love you too.” I finally say the words I should have said a long time ago to him.
“You are my everything. I won’t ever let you leave me. You’re mine.” He sounds like a man possessed. I don’t know what has caused him to declare his love tonight but whatever the reason, I am eternally grateful.
“I’m yours,” I agree wholeheartedly, my heart full of love.
He kisses me again and again, punctuating each kiss with declarations of love. Pulling back from me, he scoops me up in his arms and strides to the bedroom. Desire ripples through me. My arms are wrapped around his neck, and I’m showering kisses on his face and neck. I can’t help it. I want nothing more than the feel of him inside me.
He lays me down gently on the bed, and just as I’m pulling him to me, the buzzer goes off. I groan. It must be the pizza guy. Food is the very last thing on my mind. Julian looks at me questioningly.
“Pizza,” I manage to say, wishing I hadn’t ordered it. I hate the interruption. I don’t want any physical distance between us even if it’s just for a minute. The buzzer goes off again. Damn impatient delivery man.
“Don’t move,” Julian murmurs, dropping a kiss on my lips.
“Hurry.”
I hear the front door open and shut, and within a few seconds he is back in the bedroom. He stops right by the bed and starts unbuttoning his navy button-up shirt, his eyes ne
ver leaving mine. I would love to watch him undress but I need him too much. I hurriedly scramble to my knees and, thankfully, I’m wearing a dress so I whip it off, and release my hair from the band holding it in a ponytail. I’m kneeling on the bed wearing just a light pink lace bra and panties, and staring at Julian who is down to his black boxer-briefs. I can feel the wet heat between my thighs. His eyes are filled with desire and love, and have turned to a darker shade of blue.
“You’re perfect,” he murmurs appreciatively. “I’m going to make love to you slowly.”
I stare at him, willing him to come to me. He does. With a flick, he snaps open my bra and gently removes it, dropping it on the floor. Leaning down, he kisses one nipple and then the other, murmuring the three words I know I will never tire of hearing. He straightens, and buries a hand in my hair, tilting my head back to take my lips in his while pushing me back onto the bed so that I’m lying flat on my back. Releasing my lips, his lips lightly brush my cheek and my jaw. He moves down my body slowly kissing every inch of skin, leaving my nerve endings tingling in reaction. I can’t help the low cries of pleasure that fall from my lips. By the time his lips touch the waistband of my panties, I’m trembling uncontrollably. I’m aching for him, and raring for him to be inside me.
He traces the edge of my thong with his lips, stopping to carefully remove the damp pink lace. He drops it on the floor but his eyes don’t leave my exposed sex. Even though my legs are wide open and he’s staring at it, I don’t feel self-conscious. Still staring, he stretches out a hand and flicks my clit with a finger. A wanton moan escapes my lips. He flashes a glance at me, his eyes burning with intense need and awe.
“You’re beautiful,” he says thickly.
I moan in response, incapable of uttering a word.
Holding my gaze, he slips two fingers inside me. I grip the sheets tightly as he moves inside me.
“More,” I beg. He gives me more. Thrusting his fingers in and out of me, pleasure coils inside me and I feel my sex pulsing around his fingers. Tingles explode all over my skin. My orgasm tears through me in record time.
