by Maisey Yates
The light had broken through. And everything had seemed simple. Like it didn’t matter what else had happened, because it just didn’t exist. There had only been her.
And then fear had grabbed him around the neck and refused to let go. Because he knew what love cost. What trust cost.
His eyes stung and he tightened his grip on the ring, letting the stone dig into his palm. He was afraid. He was afraid of being hurt, and so he’d stabbed his own damn self in the chest. But what was he supposed to do? Just let it all go? Put it on the line again? He couldn’t do it anymore.
He doubted he’d ever really be comfortable with Kelsey. Passion wasn’t comfortable. It burned. He burned, whenever he looked at her, whenever he touched her.
He could hardly breathe. There was fire in his chest, burning him from the inside out.
And he had two choices. He could walk through it—embrace the flames, the pain, the pleasure and everything she had to offer. Or he could go back behind the walls. Where it was safe. Where he didn’t have to depend on anyone else. Ever.
He had been an idiot. He’d thought that he could marry Kelsey, add her to his . . . existence . . . and keep going as he had been. That nothing had to change. That he didn’t have to change. Or feel. Or give her more than a place in his bed.
But he did. She was inside him. Wrapped around every part of him, in his blood, his heart. But if he was going to be with her, to make a life with her, he would have to start living again. Not just existing. Not just going forward, putting his head down and protecting himself.
He’d shut himself down for the past five years. Until Kelsey had woken him up. That had been like living again. Like breathing clean air after being locked in a box. When he’d held her in his arms. When he’d looked into her eyes. When he’d put his hand over her slightly rounded stomach.
She was passion. She was love. She needed his trust. She was everything he’d been running from, hiding from, protecting himself from.
He didn’t think he could do it. She wasn’t taking; she was giving. But the thing was, if he didn’t give back—things he wasn’t sure he could ever give—he would end up making her miserable.
He put his head in his hands and stared at the floor, trying not to focus on the incredible emptiness that was echoing through him.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“Want to come in?” Alexa put her hand on the doorknob and gave Tyler her very best come-hither look.
“I don’t think I should.”
Her stomach hit her shoes. “What?”
“Things got out of hand earlier.”
“No . . . things were never in hand. If we hadn’t have been interrupted, some things would have been firmly in my hand. And you and I would be in much better moods right about now.”
Tyler gave her a look that was . . . sad. She wanted to kiss it off his handsome face. Tell him to stop thinking so much. Stop feeling so much.
“We’ve gotten to know each other pretty well over the phone the past few weeks.”
“Right.” She didn’t like where this was going.
“I have feelings for you. Very strong feelings. I won’t go labeling them, because intuition tells me you’ll run from me. But just know that I do.”
Her hands felt shaky. “Great. Fine. But what does that have to do with you not coming in?”
“I still think it would be a mistake right now. I want to build something real with you.”
“How can we have anything real?” she said, her chest aching. “I live in New York. I have a great job. I am not moving back to this dirt clod. Not for you. Not for any reason.” When his blue eyes met hers, she wondered if she was lying.
“Then I’ll move there.”
“You’re a cowboy. New York already has a cowboy. He plays his guitar bare-ass naked in Times Square. I don’t really think that’s your gig.”
“I can do other things.”
“Don’t you love ranching?”
He shrugged. “If I have to lose one thing that I love, it would be ranching in a heartbeat.” Those eyes, so full of sincerity, the kind she’d never seen before, stared straight into her. “I would never choose to lose you.”
“Gah. Don’t. Don’t say things like that!”
“It’s true.”
“Tyler . . . This isn’t what this was supposed to be.”
“You just wanted a fling with a hot younger man,” he said, a half smile curving his lips.
“Yeah, yeah. You flatter yourself.”
“Sorry I disappointed you.”
She looked away from him. Tears. Damn—she was welling up with stupid tears. When did that even happen to her? Ever? “I don’t know if I’m disappointed or not. Maybe freaked out.”
He took her chin between his thumb and forefinger and redirected her focus back to him. “Alexa, you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I don’t need to sleep with you to know that. But I do need you to know, to understand, that I’m different. That what I feel for you is different. That you’re worth every ounce of restraint, even though it’s killing me.”
She smiled, an evil little smile. “It’s killing you?”
“You like that?”
“Misery loves company.”
“I am in your company.” He bent and kissed her lips. “Tell me tomorrow. If you want me to, I’ll fly back to New York with you. We’ll see about making this work.”
“You would really come to New York?”
“I don’t want a night, Alexa. I want everything.” He turned and walked down the porch steps. She leaned against the wooden support and watched him, feeling like the stupid, twitterpated idiot she was.
***
Kelsey crossed her arms around her midsection, like it might hold her together. Or at least keep pain from taking her down to her knees.
She walked up the winding trail and prayed that Alexa wasn’t getting lucky. It was mean, and she knew it. But she needed her friend.
She tromped up the steps and knocked twice before she heard Alexa cross the cabin. The door swung open and she was greeted by her friend, who looked way too unhappy for someone getting lucky.
“He’s not here?” Kelsey asked.
“Nope. Come on in.”
“Where is he?” She stepped inside and crossed to the bed, sitting on the foot of it.
“Still proving to me how much he lurves me by not satisfying my more carnal urges.”
“Love?”
Alexa nodded mutely. “Yeah. So he says.”
“Did you tell him you didn’t want his love? Because that’s mean,” she said, trying to ignore the constant pain her heart.
“No. I just . . . didn’t really know what to tell him.”
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t know him very well.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“Yeah. Fine. I do a little. Are you happy?” Alexa started pacing. “He’s not like any guy I’ve ever met. Which pisses me off, because I know that’s what he wanted, to be unlike any other guy. And he . . . he likes me, not just my boobs, and that’s . . .”
“That’s something you should hold on to.”
Alexa frowned. “Why are you here? What’s wrong?”
Kelsey felt like she might break apart. She tightened her hold on her midsection. “Cole doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me to love him. And all I can think of is that we’re going to have one sad, cold house.”
“He actually said he doesn’t want your love?”
Her throat threatened to close on her. “Yep.”
“Well . . . what are you going to do?”
“What do you mean what am I going to do? Nothing’s changed. I’m still having his baby. We were prepared to marry without love in the first place . . . maybe nothing has to change.”
Alexa let out a long breath and pushed her hand through her dark hair. “Kels, you’ve changed. Your feelings for him have changed. That matters.”
“It shouldn’t.”
“
So you’re going to accept less than what you deserve just to try and preserve an idea that you think is nice?”
Kelsey shook her head. “But if I leave, I don’t get to be with him at all.”
Alexa moved to the bed and sat next to her, laying her head down on Kelsey’s shoulder. “You do have it bad, don’t you?”
“Really bad.”
“Listen, honey, if you don’t ask for better for yourself, then Michael was for nothing. All that junk he put you through? If you learn nothing from it—what was the point? Don’t you know by now that you don’t have to settle?”
Kelsey let out a breath. “I can’t stay with him. I want to. But I can see us getting dissatisfied and bitter with each other. Him resenting me for tying him down, or something. And honestly, if you don’t love someone, what’s going to make you stay with them when they end up with stretch marks and a stomach that will never be flat again and deflated boobs?”
Alexa sighed. “Got me.”
“Well . . . that’s just it. He likes sleeping with me now. He’s willing to marry me to try and make a family, but the thing is, the lust stuff will fade. Well, not on my end, but . . . on his. And then our child will be in this tense, loveless household, and I don’t want that.”
“I’m leaving tomorrow, Kelsey.”
Kelsey nodded, her stomach clenched so tight she could barely breathe. “Then I think I’ll leave too.” A tear slid down her cheek, and she didn’t bother to wipe it away, didn’t bother to stop the sob that climbed her throat and shook her shoulders.
Alex put her arms around her and squeezed. “You have to do what makes you happy.”
She laughed, a shaky, watery sound. “Unfortunately, what would make me happy isn’t going to happen. It wouldn’t make him happy. And that matters to me. I won’t let him be miserable just so he can do what he thinks is the right thing. He’s had enough crap in his life without me adding to it. And he’s too freaking honorable to do it himself.”
“For what it’s worth, Kelsey, I don’t think you’ve ever added crap to anyone’s life. You only make it better. I’m sad for him, because he obviously doesn’t see it.”
***
“Are you drunk?”
Cole looked up at his brother and poured himself another tumbler of Jack. “Not yet. But I’m close.” He held his glass up in mock salute and downed the contents, the burn a welcome relief to combat the pain in his heart.
“Why are you drinking?”
“I am an asshole.”
“I’ve been telling you that for years.”
“But you were right.”
Cade frowned and walked forward, tugging the bottle away from him. “You must be drunk.”
“If I were drunk I wouldn’t be in this much pain.”
“What did you do?”
“Kelsey told me she loved me. I told her I didn’t care.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because. Because I am a coward.”
“Damn straight you are,” Cade said. “And you know what else? You’ve been shutting down slowly since Dad died. Shutting us out, shutting everyone out. I thought you would be smart enough to realize you’d have to give her something if you wanted to hold on to her.”
“I do realize that,” he growled, standing and snatching the bottle back from his brother. “But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I’m not even the man I thought I was.”
“Bull.”
“What? You think you know what I’ve been going through?”
“A little, jackass, since he was my dad too.”
“So you think I should put on a fake smile, like you do?” he asked, knowing he would regret the words later.
Cade snorted. “No, Cole, I think you should live the rest of your life bitter, angry and alone.”
“What does that mean?” he asked. He knew. He knew full well what it meant.
“All this stuff . . . Shawna, Dad . . . it changed you.”
“This from the guy who ran like hell when he found out about Dad.”
“I was a teenager. You’re a grown man, act like it. Stop acting like a hurt boy.”
“That’s what I feel like, dammit. Everything he taught us was bullshit. He didn’t live any of it. I tried. I would have stayed married for the rest of my life trying to be the man I thought he’d want me to be. I was devastated having to end it, because living up to his standards was what I aimed my whole life at.”
“So now you’re going to give up and just be a jerk because a couple people let you down?”
“Just the woman I married. Oh, and my father. No big deal. You’re right, I should get over myself.”
“Fine, ruin your life because you’re too afraid to care.”
“It’s safer when you don’t care,” Cole ground out.
“What’s the point of being safe if you don’t even enjoy it, Cole?” Cade leaned in and took the bottle out of his hand again and headed up the stairs. “Because clearly, this . . . this thing you’re doing is not the magic combination for a happy life. I’m going to take this. You’re going to sit here and think, not drink.”
Cole sank onto the couch, his stomach ready to reject everything he’d just ingested. He laid his head back and let his misery wash over him. Then he saw Kelsey’s face. He held on to that, on to her. Just for a while, he would think of her and nothing else.
Because nothing else seemed to matter.
***
Cole woke up with a cramp in his neck and a pounding headache. A rush of cold air hit him in the side of the face and he sat up straight, his eyes locking with Kelsey’s. She had a suitcase in her hand.
“What the hell?” he said, his voice rusty. He ran his hands over his face and stood up.
“I don’t see the point in tying either of us down in a relationship that just isn’t going to work. Wanting to do the right thing isn’t enough, Cole. There has to be more.”
“You didn’t think there had to be more when you said yes. Why do you need more now?” he asked, terror streaking through his veins, pain streaking through his head.
“Because things are different now.”
“Not for me,” he said, striding across the living room.
“That’s the problem.”
He shook his head and fought off a wave of dizziness. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Cole, I don't want you to feel . . .”
“I won’t.”
“Why? Because your honor will keep you warm at night?”
“No,” he grated. “You will.”
“That’s sex. And that’s great and fine, but it’s not enough to build a life on.”
It felt like it. The thought of being with her, being in her, consumed him. The way she smelled, the way she tasted. She was everything. It wasn’t just sex; it was her. Being with her.
“Why not?” he asked, his tongue thick.
“Because lust fades. I’ll get lines on my face. I’ll gain fifteen pounds. My hair will get gray. And one day you’ll look at me and wonder why you thought it was a good idea to marry me.”
He could imagine her like that. Older. Even more beautiful.
“I’ll never wonder why,” he said, his tone fierce.
He took another step forward the sun hitting his eyes. Pain lashed him and he closed them tight. And it was her face he saw. The same image he’d held in his mind all night. The same image that was imprinted on his heart.
He didn’t feel dizzy now. Everything was clear. Clearer than it had been in a long time.
“I”—he blinked and took another step toward her—“I’ve been breathing for five years. And that’s all. Just going forward. Going through the motions. But then you came into my life and you reminded that there were reasons to breathe.”
Her mouth dropped open, a tear sliding down her cheek. “Cole . . . I’ll never keep the baby from you. You’ll always have him. I won’t use him as a pawn, I swear I won’t.”
“That’s not what I meant, Kelsey. I’m thrilled to hav
e a baby with you. Thrilled that we’re having a child. But you’re the reason things are different. You. And it’s you that I want, not just a vague idea of family, or a satisfaction of duty. It’s you.”
“But you said you didn’t want—”
“I was scared. Because the people I’ve trusted most in my life have abandoned me. Betrayed me. My mom died, and it wasn’t her fault, but I lost part of me, Kelsey. And my dad . . . everything he taught me, everything I believed about him, about me . . . it was a lie. It was more than a marriage that didn’t last two years that chased me away from love. I could have gotten over that, over her. It’s the fact that I felt like I wasn’t really the man I thought I was. Because the man I patterned myself after was a fake.”
“I understand that. I do.”
“I know you do. But it doesn’t mean I was right. You told me you loved me. And it was like . . . like I suddenly realized that I was hiding. You offered me something new. Something real. I saw the possibility in it. That if I would just trust you, let my guard down, I could have every emotion, every triumph and every heartbreak possible. And I ran from it. From you. Kelsey, those losses almost broke me, but it’s nothing compared to what it would mean to lose you.”
He drew closer to her, his heart pounding, his hands shaking. He put his hand on her cheek, wiped the moisture from her skin.
“Kelsey,” he said, “safety is worth nothing to me without you. Every risk is worth taking if it means I’ll have you in my life. In my arms. If I have your love.”
Her lip wobbled and he leaned in and kissed it. “You have it,” she whispered. “Always.”
His breath released in a rush. “Oh, I am so thankful to hear you say that. I’m so thankful that me being such a big, cowardly ass didn’t kill it.”
“It would take more than that,” she said. “I just didn’t want to . . . It’s pathetic to think of staying with a guy who doesn’t want you.”
“I do want you,” he said, and the truth of it filled his entire body. “Kelsey, I love you.”
