Knocked Up- The Complete Box Set

by Lilian Monroe

  3

  Dean

  I cram all my gear into the car and swear. Of course I’m late. I had three alarms set and I still slept through them. You’d think I was a fourteen year old boy and not a grown man for the amount of sleep I need. I rush back up the elevator and jump into the clown costume.

  Within a few minutes, I’ve got the costume on and I’m painting my face. The wide red smile and bright cheeks look ridiculous, but they help me get in character. I paint the black outline and big circles around my eyes. My hair gets gelled back and my wig slides on.

  I take a deep breath and look at myself in the mirror. I’m ready. I slip my regular shoes on and carry my huge clown shoes down the elevator with the last of my props. I’m finally ready. I glance at my watch and shake my head. With a bit of luck I should get there only ten or fifteen minutes late.

  Traffic seems to be on my side, and I drive through the streets more quickly than anticipated. I double check the address and park in front of a house. There are balloons swinging in the wind near the front door.

  “This must be it,” I say to myself. I slip my big shoes on and grab my bag of props. My hands are full but I’m able to carry everything in one trip. I slam the trunk closed and turn towards the front door.

  The shoes are awkward to walk in, and I waddle my way up to the front door. I wish New York houses didn’t have so many steps. I ring the doorbell and clear my throat, ready to put on my clown voice. The door swings open and a man appears on the other side.

  “Clifford the clown, at your service,” I say with a flourish, bowing with my arms outstretched. The man chuckles.

  “Come on in, they’re out back.”

  I follow him to the backyard and the sounds of children screaming and playing get louder. He slides the back door open and I step through. The kids turn to me immediately and start laughing. The show begins.

  There’s something special about performing for kids. The way their eyes shine and the way they laugh without a worry in the world makes me feel like I’m floating. Every time one of them laughs at something I do or falls for one of my pranks it feels like a mini jolt of energy to the heart.

  These kids are no different. I spot the birthday twins right away: a boy and a girl. They’re only two, but they’re the life of the party. I give them party hats first, and then start handing them out to the other kids. I glance at the parents and hand out party hats to them as well.

  As much as I didn’t want to do this last night, I’m enjoying myself. I settle the kids into a semi circle in front of me and prepare them for the balloon animal bit of my performance. I pull out the air canister and blow up a long balloon. I start twisting it and tying it as the kids watch in awe.

  When Pat first started teaching me to make these, it was the most frustrating weeks of my life. It’s definitely harder than it looks. It took me almost a year to get the hang of it, and I’m just now starting to feel confident.

  I make the first balloon animal, a dog, and I hand it to the birthday girl.

  “One for you,” I say in my best Clifford the Clown voice. She giggles and waves it around and I grin. Next is a giraffe, and a monkey, and a shark. I make them one by one and hand them to the kids. By this time I’m really enjoying myself. I’m laughing along with them and I know I’ve got them in the palm of my hand. The adults are laughing at my jokes and I’m on a high.

  I love my job.

  I grab another balloon and stretch it long before starting to inflate it. Just as I start filling it with air, the sliding glass door opens and my jaw drops. She’s got long brown hair that falls down well past her shoulders. Her nose has a sprinkling of freckles over them and her green eyes sparkle in the sun. She squints as she steps out, looking at me curiously. I let my eyes drop to her white tank top and tight jeans and my heart starts to race.

  It’s the balloon popping that brings me back to reality. It explodes in my hand and I jump. The kids jump and laugh and I pretend to fall over. They all laugh harder and I get up, pretending to struggle. I glance over at the woman. She’s still standing by the door, leaning against the frame as if she’s scared of getting too close to the party.

  “You!” I call out to her. She stands up a bit straighter and looks over her shoulder and then back at me. “What’s your favorite animal?” I ask.

  She grins and shrugs.

  “Come on,” I say, taking a step closer. I glance back at the kids and they laugh. “You must have a favorite?”

  Her smile widens and it almost knocks me over. I glance around and see all the parents coupled off. My eyes swing to the doorway and I wonder if her husband is inside.

  “Elephant,” she finally says.

  “Elephant,” I exclaim, making a trunk with my arm for the kids and pretending to swing it around. Their laughter reaches a peak. I pull out a balloon and get to work. When I hand her the elephant. She reaches out to accept it. Our fingers brush each other ever so gently. Even through the fabric of my white gloves I feel an electric current pass through my arm.

  “Thank you,” she says softly. She smiles at me and I feel my face relax. I stare at her for a few seconds before snapping back to myself. I’m Clifford the Clown right now. Dean Shelby doesn’t exist. I turn back to the group of children, ready to make them laugh again. When I pull out another balloon, I can’t resist turning back towards the woman. She’s turning the elephant over in her hands and smiling. My heart grows in my chest.

  Making a balloon elephant may be the best achievement of my life so far.

  4

  Samantha

  He made the elephant so fast I could hardly tell what he was doing, but then it appeared in his hands. I run my fingers over the big ears and long trunk and shake my head. Amazing. I glance back at the clown and watch as he waves his hands over the children and they all laugh and play along.

  Jess wasn’t wrong, he’s very good. He glances over his shoulder and our eyes meet again. He smiles at me and sticks out his tongue before turning back to the group of kids. I can feel the pulse in my whole body and I glance back down at the balloon elephant, turning it around in my hands.

  “Well, look at you,” Jess says with a grin. “I haven’t seen you smile since you got here.”

  I hold up the elephant. “Guess the clown is doing his job then, hey?”

  Jess’s grin widens. “I guess he is.”

  I choose to ignore the teasing in her voice. “I didn’t expect him to be so…”

  “…attractive?”

  “No, young!” I answer quickly. “I didn’t expect him to be so young. I thought it would be a guy in his sixties for some reason.”

  Jess chuckles. “So did I. It’s hard to tell what he looks like under that makeup, but based on that jawline I’d say he’s quite a stud.”

  I roll my eyes. “Aren’t you married?”

  Jess grins at me. “I’m not looking for me, Sam,” she says.

  “Stop,” I say. “I’m not even divorced yet. I’m not ready.”

  “Whatever you say,” she replies. I glance back at the clown and try to imagine what his face would look like. He lifts his arms and the fabric of his costume pulls across his broad back. He’s certainly muscular.

  “Harper, Rosie!” Jess calls over. “Come over here and help me settle something.”

  “What are you doing,” I whisper. She looks at me and grins again. The two women come closer and Jess nods to the clown.

  “What do you think about Clifford? You think he’s a hunk under all that makeup?”

  Rosie and Harper turn towards the clown and suddenly all four of us are staring at him. Rosie tilts her head to the side and Harper squints.

  “Definitely,” Rosie says. “Certified stud.” She turns back towards us and nods once, as if that’s the official seal of approval. Jess laughs.

  “I knew it. See, Sam? You should go for it!”

  “Absolutely,” Harper says. “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I’ve never had s
ex with a clown before.”

  I start laughing and shake my head. “Stop, stop! I’m not sleeping with anyone!” I know they’re only joking but I can’t help the blush that starts to creep over my cheeks. Jess puts an arm around my shoulder and laughs.

  “I’m only teasing. No harm in looking though. Come on, let’s get you a drink.”

  She pulls me towards the kitchen and I steal one last glance towards Clifford the Clown. He’s got the kids all lined up and somehow is getting them to jump and move exactly as he says. He definitely has a gift for working with children.

  The four of us step inside and I listen as Harper, Rosie, and Jess talk about their kids. They laugh and joke about all the things that kids do, and I can’t help but feel like the odd one out. Not only do I not have a child, but my marriage has been an absolute disaster.

  The lightness that I felt when I was watching the clown perform starts to dissipate as thoughts about Ronnie creep in. I still remember the way he looked when I confronted him. He denied everything even though I had followed him to the restaurant and seen him kiss her. My whole world had crumbled around me.

  He must have been cheating on me for months, maybe even longer. My throat tightens and I try to push the thoughts away when Jess appears beside me with a glass of chilled white wine.

  “Here,” she says with a whisper. “If I have one job today, it’ll be to get you to drink and smile.” She look up and towards the back door. “Where’s Clifford? He was good at that.”

  I laugh and shake my head as Jess nudges my shoulder. The two other girls laugh. Just then, the laughter and children’s screams outside get a little bit higher pitched. I hear an adult yell. The four of us look at each other and then rush outside.

  It’s carnage. I don’t know how this happened in such a short amount of time. Clifford the clown is on the ground, holding his arm and writing around. The kids are running around in circles and Owen is trying to wrangle them. Matt, Jess’s son, is swinging a plastic baseball bat wildly over and back. He knocks the clown’s air canister and it falls with a loud clang.

  Owen finally manages to grab Matt just as Jess starts herding the other children together. I jog over to the clown as he lies on the ground.

  “You okay?” I say as he groans. His eyes slowly lift up to me and he blinks a few times.

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he says and then groans as he tries to stand up. “My arm.”

  “What’s wrong? What happened? We were only gone for a minute.”

  “That’s all it takes,” he says with a grimace. His regular voice is deep and gravelly. Despite all the clown makeup, something sparks between my legs. Even with all the clown makeup, I can see the way his eyes gleam when he smiles. “That one grabbed a bat and hit me,” he says, nodding towards Matt. “I tripped over these stupid shoes and fell on my arm. I think it might be broken.”

  “Oh my goodness,” I say softly. “Come on.”

  I help him to his feet and guide him to the kitchen. Soon, he’s gone some ice on his arm and he’s sighing. I grab a dish towel and wrap it around his arm in a makeshift sling.

  “There,” I say.

  “Are you a nurse?” He asks as he admires my handiwork. I laugh.

  “No, not a nurse. Just resourceful.” I study his face for a minute before speaking again. “I’m Sam,” I say after a pause.

  “Clifford,” he replies as his eyes spark again.

  “Wait, is that your real name?” I ask as I try to hide the smile on my lips. He lets out a quick laugh and shakes his head.

  “Dean Shelby,” he says as he extends his good hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  The instant our hands touch it’s like a current of electricity passes through my arm. His eyes are locked on mine and it feels like time stops.

  He clears his throat. “Thank you,” he says, motioning to the sling.. He shifts his weight and groans. “This is so painful.”

  “You’re going to have to go to the hospital,” Jess says as she comes back in through the door. I almost jump backwards. “I’m so sorry about this.”

  “It’s fine,” he says. He glances at me and winks. “Occupational hazards.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Dangerous job,” I say.

  “Very.”

  Jess glances at his arm and shakes her head. She puts her hands on her hips and sighs. “I’m so sorry, Clifford. So, so sorry. Can you drive? I’ll call you a cab. I’m so sorry.”

  “I have a stick shift,” he answers with a grimace. “So, no, I guess.”

  “I’ll drive,” I hear myself say. “I can drive stick and none of these kids are mine. I don’t mind.”

  “Are you sure?” the clown says, knitting his eyebrows together. It gives his face an exaggerated sad look and I start laughing.

  “She’s sure,” Jess responds with a raised eyebrow. “Here,” she says, handing me some money. “For the cab back.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Jess.” I say with a smile.

  “Then you take it,” she says, thrusting the money into Clifford’s sling. “For this whole mess. Call it a tip.”

  He just laughs and shakes his head. “It’s really not necessary. It’s fine, really. Kids get excited and it happens.”

  “Just take it,” she says. “I feel so bad. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” He grimaces again and I stand up a bit straighter.

  “Come on,” I say. “We should get you to the hospital sooner rather than later.” I hook my arm around his shoulder and try to ignore the thrill that passes through me when our bodies touch. He groans as he stands up and then looks at the sling and nods approvingly.

  “Let’s go,” he says, letting his eyes linger on mine for just a few moments. I blush and look away, not daring to look at him or Jess.

  5

  Dean

  The kid hit me right in the crotch and I doubled over immediately. These stupid clown shoes got in the way. I heard the crunch, and I felt the pain shoot through my arm. I’m pretty sure it’s broken.

  Usually I’d be mad right now, or at least annoyed, but as I slide into the passenger’s seat of my car I feel a tingle of excitement. I watch as Sam circles the front of the car and climbs into the driver’s seat.

  “Thank you for doing this,” I say as she slides the key into the ignition. She pauses and turns towards me with a serious expression on her face.

  “Okay, one thing,” she says as she holds up a finger. “Stop thanking me. It’s getting old.”

  I fight the smile that starts to form on my lips and nod dutifully. “Of course. Anyone would go out of their way to help the children’s entertainer and take time out of their day. Anyone would drive to the hospital when they could just call a cab. It’s normal. Not worth thanking someone for that.”

  She glances at me sideways and starts the car. “You’re going to have to navigate. I have no idea where I’m going.”

  I nod. “Take a left up here.”

  We drive in silence for a few minutes and I steal a glance over at Sam. The sun is just reaching its peak and it’s shining through the window onto her face. It makes her hair look like a million different shades of brown. I watch as her hands glide over the steering wheel when she turns, and the way her eyes flick from the mirror back to the road.

  She turns her head slightly towards me and I glance away.

  “So,” she starts, breaking the silence. “Do you actually refer to yourself as a children’s entertainer?”

  I glance over at her again and see her grinning as she watches the road. I make an exaggerated sigh. “It’s an under-appreciated profession,” I reply. “We take ourselves seriously.”

  “Do you have a guild? The children’s entertainers guild?”

  I fight the smile that starts forming on my lips. “We call it the Clown Club.”

  She laughs, and it’s the first time I see her true smile. Her whole face lights up and the corners of her eyes crinkle as she laughs. Her shoulders move up and down and she shakes
her head slightly. She glances over at me and grins.

  “Sounds very exclusive.”

  “Oh, it is,” I reply, leaning back in my seat. “Only the best of the best get to be in the Clown Club.”

  She laughs again, and something stirs in my chest. A smile drifts over my lips and I shift in my seat. My arm is throbbing, but somehow the pain seems dulled.

  “Take the next exit over here, and the hospital is just on the right.”

  “Okay.”

  I watch as she grabs the steering wheel, loving how gracefully she moves. I wish it was me her hands were grabbing. She could run those delicate fingers over my skin and I could pull her body close to mine.

  I try to shake the thoughts with a deep breath. She pulls into the hospital parking lot and parks the car.

  “I’ll grab a parking ticket, I’ll be right back.”

  I nod and open my door before realizing I’m still in full costume. I sigh. I can’t walk into the hospital like this. As much as I love my job, it does get a lot of attention. I have a change of clothes in the trunk, so I reach over and pop the trunk. I reach across my body and open the car door, wincing as I nudge my bad arm. I take a deep breath and swing my legs out. I had no idea how much I use my right arm until now.

  I get out of the car as Sam comes back with a parking ticket. She puts it on the dash and looks at me with a questioning glance.

  “I’ve got a change of clothes and some face wipes in here,” I say, nodding to the trunk. She makes a small ‘ah’ sound and nods. I walk around to the trunk and start looking for the small black bag. I know it’s in here, I always take it with me. I move some props and finally see it. It’s pinned down by the air compressor and I try to pull it out. I wrench at it and pain shoots through my injured arm. I yelp, jumping back and wincing.

  “What’s wrong, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I say, looking up to see Sam’s concerned eyes looking at me. “Would you mind grabbing that bag from under there? It should have a tee-shirt and shorts in it.”