Neverlost (Melodies and Memories)

by Kodilynn Calhoun

That I get weird feelings in this heart of mine?

  Maybe one day soon I’ll get the chance to say to you

  I have always thought that you were kind of cute

  Oh not today, my only order is a tall frappe

  I think of just what to say, as I slowly walk away...

  I think I’ll take a baker’s dozen of your sweet kisses

  Cuz when I’m seconds away I already miss it

  I think I’ll take a baker’s dozen of your sweet lovin’

  Cuz it fits like a glove, think I’m falling in

  Thinks he’s falling in

  Think I’m falling in

  Love

  He croons the last words a capella and beams at me. I blink back the sudden tears in my eyes and clap, the sound loud in the quiet of the evening. “It was beautiful,” I promise him. “Perfect. God, Eli…” He sets his guitar aside and I take his hands in mine, scooting close enough so that our knees are touching, and look into those deep brown eyes. “I mean it.”

  “The lyrics started coming to me the first day I saw you,” he says, almost sheepish. “I wrote half the song down on napkins because I knew I’d lose the words if I didn’t write them down at that very moment. I was fucking obsessed over you, Teagan Marie, off my rocker. Jake thought I’d gone crazy.” He grins that knee-shattering smile and I want to climb into his lap, get so close that our bodies merge into one being, sharing two souls. “I’m kind of glad Jake asked you out.”

  I giggle. “And I’m kind of glad I decided to give you my number. I like you.” It feels empowering to say that out loud. “And I like your song.”

  “It’s your song,” he replies.

  “It’s our song,” I say firmly. He doesn’t argue this time.

  I hear a shout and glance up. Two girls dart past, the younger one on the heels of the older one. “Wait up, sis! Hey, wait for me!” followed by a laugh and it shouldn’t mean anything, but pain sears through me then, the younger girl’s laughter pulling me to another time and place.

  I press my eyes shut, shaking my head, remembering the summers that Tierney and I spent at the park. Hell, we practically lived there, getting up early to walk the two blocks, and we’d stay and run and play like wild children till sunset. It was my escape, my one little ounce of freedom. Tierney would always get tired and whine about going home but I’d always beg to stay just a little longer. I was just a kid…

  “Teagan?” Eli’s soft voice brings me back, but all I feel is the dull ache that settles in my chest. It shouldn’t hurt after all these years, but it does. It really does, a pain that no amount of crying and screaming will ever ease. When I finally look up at Eli, his gaze is colored with compassion. “You look lost. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” I try to shrug off his worried tone. “It’s nothing.”

  “I call bullshit on that one. This isn’t nothing. This is something. Did you know them?” he asks, meaning the girls, and I blow out a slow breath.

  “No, they just reminded me of things.”

  “Of your sister?”

  “Yeah.” Please drop it. Just leave it alone…

  But he doesn’t hear my mental anguish—how could he? He’s not a mind reader. He’s just a boy that’s fallen too far, sucked into the void of my soul, never to be released. I close my eyes and open them again, bracing myself. He squeezes my hand gently and offers a sympathetic smile. “I’m guessing you two were close?”

  I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to spill my past to the one person in the world who seems to truly love me, who accepts me. I want to protect him from the harshness of the truth. I want him to stay in the now. When he presses again, I sigh. My hands feel numb, like they’re not my own. “She was my best friend,” I tell him. “Once upon a time.”

  Ever so softly he asks, “Then why did you leave?” and I can’t shield myself from the pain threatening to knock me down. Feeling defensive, I pull out of his grasp, pull my knees up to my chin and wrap my arms around myself, my lips pressed together in a tight, bloodless line for fear of the words begging to erupt. It doesn’t help. They come rushing out anyways.

  “You—I—you can’t even begin to understand. You have no fucking idea what it’s like living in your own personal hell, barely managing to survive day by day, just by existing!” I snap, sharper than I mean to, but he doesn’t flinch away. He just stares at me, so empathetic that it hurts. “I can’t tell you, can’t get you to—”

  He leans forward, cups my face in his gentle hands, and cuts me off with a kiss—passionate and wild and dominating, his lips ravishing mine, demanding control. I breathe in sharp through my nose, then bury my fingers in his dusty hair and kiss him back with equal ferocity, mouths and hands roving, desperate to quell the storm raging in my heart and mind. When we finally break apart, both of us are breathing hard. Eli looks me in the eye, completely serious. “You’re right. I don’t have a clue. Okay?”

  I close my eyes as he kisses me again, gentler this time. His lips press against my forehead and then he kisses each eyelid and presses his forehead against mine, our noses touching. I can feel the butterfly softness of his eyelashes brushing my skin and it gives me goosebumps. “I’m sorry, but maybe you need to talk about it,” he says.

  “I don’t want to relive it, Eli. I-I’ve done so good, keeping everything locked up tight. I don’t want to talk about it because if I do, I’m afraid I’ll break for good this time.”

  “Okay. I’m not saying you have to, but you know you can tell me anything, right? I’m here for you. I’ll listen and I’ll never judge you, Teagan. Just know that.” His voice soothes my rabid heartbeat, his kisses calming my fearful mind, and I wrap my arms around his neck and just...breathe.

  “I know. I’m sorry. Let’s just forget about it,” I say just as my phone goes off. I stiffen and turn, yanking the device from my pocket. I press ignore and toss it down onto the blanket. At Eli’s pointed stare, I frown and shrug it off. “It was no one. Bill collectors harassing me.”

  “If you need help, I—”

  It’s my turn to cut him off, pushing him backwards until he’s flat against the grassy ground and I straddle him, my hands sliding up his chest, rubbing against the cotton of his t-shirt. “Don’t say anything. Let’s just…enjoy the night?” And under the pale light of the moon and the glow of street lamps on the corner, I lose myself in the oblivion of Eli’s kiss, his touch, his need because it’s my need too and I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of him.

  We don’t get back to my place until after ten. He stands in the doorway, guitar slung over his shoulder as we say our goodbyes, but suddenly I’m not ready to be alone with all of my memories. With a small smile, I reach for his hand and tip my head to one side. My hair falls into my face and he reaches out and tucks it back behind my ear. “Will you teach me Baker’s Dozen?”

  A smile lights up his eyes. “I’d be honored,” he says and the night is ours.

  Twenty One

  Teagan

  I’m keeping my head above water, taking life day by day despite how sometimes I want to just curl up in bed, wrap myself up in my blankets, and never come out of my bedroom. Some days I feel like I could survive wholly on coffee, sleep, music, and Eli.

  Eli’s the big one, the reason I keep going when everything feels dark and bleak and my phone won’t stop ringing and my head won’t stop spinning; he makes it better and yeah, maybe he’s just a piece of masking tape holding the two fragile sides of me together, but I’m making it for him—for us—and I thank whatever god is looking down on me that he brought Elias St. James into my life.

  We’ve spent more time in my apartment since fixing it up. It feels like home now, like this place is now a safe zone and I love it, from the paint-dotted walls to the worn leather couch to the framed photographs Eli picked out; there’s a touch of him in every room, and maybe that’s what I love the most. I can be spiraling out of control, lost in my own mind, and then I see something that reminds me of him and it makes me
smile. Makes me feel like I can beat this, vanquish the monsters in my head.

  “So when do I get to meet Dakota?” he asks one afternoon after a not-so-healthy-but-still-delicious lunch of Infiniti’s maple glazed donuts and tall iced coffees. I look at him, startled, and take the chance to stuff my mouth full, to try and think up an excuse while I attempt to chew and swallow.

  I knew this day would come—it’s inevitable, really—and it’s not like I want to keep my best friend and my boyfriend in the dark about each other, but it’s still a hurdle that I haven’t had the strength to tackle. Like I keep circling this situation, trying to figure out the easiest way across when the reality is, maybe it won’t ever be easy. Maybe I just have to do it and get it over with.

  Eli watches me with a quirky grin on his face and I know he knows what I’m thinking, that I’m trying to weasel my way out of a possibly awkward conversation. He knows me too well. Swallowing down the lump of pastry, I take a big gulp of my iced mocha and breathe in. Breathe out. Lather, rinse, repeat.

  “Is it that important?” I ask after a lengthy silence.

  “To me, it is,” he says and the honesty drips from his voice like honey and damn it, I melt a little bit inside. I want so badly for him to be happy. I want us to be happy, and if this is what it takes, well then so be it.

  “Alright.”

  “Alright?”

  I nod. “Okay.” I take a deep, cleansing breath. I can do this. “I’ll see if she’s up for a Skype call,” I say and go down the hall to grab my outdated but still functional laptop out of my bedroom. My heart is racing, skipping, jumping—not altogether in a bad way—and we sit down on the couch with the computer balanced on my knees as it boots up. Eli’s grinning like the cat that ate the canary and it’s almost worth the anxiety to see the sparkle in those chocolate brown eyes of his.

  She’s online. I ping her a chat request and a moment later, the screen is filled with the familiar backdrop of Dakota’s messy bedroom, a tiny square packed with bookcases of knickknacks and smutty romance novels and CDs and posters of boy bands from the 90s. Justin Timberlake grins at me from behind the bed.

  “Hey, chickadee, what’s up?” she asks. “One sec.” The mic hisses a bit as she tries to position herself on the bed so that she’s both comfortable and so that her Wi-Fi stays connected. The joys of living in an aluminum trailer. I angle my own computer to bring Eli into the webcam’s line of vision and Dakota’s grin is bright and excited. “Oooh-la-la. You must be the gorgeous piece of work that is Elias St. James.”

  Eli laughs out loud. “That I am. And you must be the lovely Dakota, whose last name I was never told,” he says, leveling me a playful look.

  I smack him lightly and huff in reply. “It wasn’t pertinent information!”

  “Wells. Dakota Wells,” Dakota replies breezily. “Though if I don’t fall madly in love and get married in the next five years, I’m legally changing it.”

  “To what?”

  “No clue yet. Probably something long, hard to pronounce, and rich-sounding. I need a fresh start.” She looks at me this time and I nod, knowing exactly what she means. We’ve talked about it before, throwing what-ifs back and forth, and I know she wants out from under the demands and dependency of her family. She wants her own life and I can’t blame her. Who wouldn’t?

  Then she turns her sights back on Eli and her smile looks oh so very wicked. My stomach feels like it’s filled to the brim with spiders, wiggling and squirming their dozens of hairy legs against my other internal organs. “Soooo, Eli, what are your intentions with my best friend?” She waggles her eyebrows suggestively. “Don’t leave me in the dark, like someone we know and love has. Cough-Teagan-cough.”

  “Hop off,” I say around a laugh and flip her off.

  Eli looks sidelong at me and I can tell he’s trying not to smile but failing miserably at it. His cheeks keep crinkling, dimpling, try as he might to look serious and I punch him on the shoulder, harder this time. “You might as well tell her. She’ll harass you until you give her what she wants—she’s a true gossip hound at heart. Some things will never change.”

  “Ouch, burn,” Dakota sing-songs back. “Good thing I’ve got some aloe vera.”

  “Well,” Eli says. “I think it’s safe to say that I kind of like Teagan a lot and that if things keep going the way they are, that someday I’ll ask her to marry me and we can buy a house and fill it with things that make us happy. Maybe adopt a puppy. Kids might or might not be in our future.” He glances at me, smiles, and my breath hitches. “We haven’t talked about any of this yet, of course. It’s too early, but maybe someday?”

  “See, Teagan?” Dakota winks. “Exactly what you need in your life. Eli, do you have a brother, maybe a cousin you could hook me up with, cuz damn. I want what you guys have.”

  My heart is thudding hard against my ribcage and I can feel my face heating up, because I know Eli. I know he means what he said, but hearing it out loud? It’s kind of surreal in a freaky way and I don’t know what to say, afraid of saying the wrong thing. What if we don’t want the same things for our future? What if, despite how well we click, we truly aren’t compatible?

  “Sorry,” Eli tells Dakota, then looks at me. “Teagan.” The word is almost hummed, a soft sound in his throat, and he takes my hands in his. I look at him though I feel shaky on the inside, like my soul is suffering the aftershocks of an earthquake. I feel like a fish out of water, gasping for air. “Don’t look at me like that. Breathe. I didn’t mean to scare you. All that stuff, it’s far off in our future. It may never even happen. Please don’t run away from me.” His voice is calm and serious now.

  I breathe in, then out again, and gaze up at him. “I won’t,” I tell him, wrestling with my fear.

  “So when do I get to come up and see you guys?” Dakota’s next question is a needed interruption, to get my mind working on something else. She quirks a brow and looks between me and Eli almost expectantly. “Because I’d like to meet you—both of you—for real. I don’t have a lot of money, but—”

  “I could arrange for a flight,” Eli says. “It wouldn’t be a big deal.”

  She blinks, taken aback, before managing to regain her composure and ask, “Are you sure?”

  He smiles. “Friendship should always come before money. The offer’s open if you want to take it. You don’t have to make a decision today,” he says and in the span of two point three seconds, Dakota goes from wary to excited, grinning from gauged ear to gauged ear. She doesn’t say a word, just looks at me, full of hope.

  Waiting for me to invite her here and suddenly Eli proposing to me is the least of my worries. I open my mouth but no sound comes out—and I’m glad, because I’m not sure what I would even say. My heart’s skippy and nervous and my palms suddenly feel damp. I look between Dakota and Eli, both of them having fallen silent, watching me. I squirm, looking away. Damn it. “Nice way to put me on the spot guys,” I mumble under my breath.

  Old Teagan wants to run and hide and avoid any possible anxiety, but New Teagan—the Teagan I desperately want to be—wants to meet her friend and hang out and do best friend things without hundreds of miles standing between us. “How about we aim for sometime in July?” I finally ask. “You could come up, stay for a week or so, meet everyone.”

  “Do you mean it, Teag?” Dakota asks. “Really mean it?” Despite the coolness in her tone, I can see how badly she wants to get away, to escape her family, even if only for a short week. I know that feeling all too well. Maybe this is what she needs. Hell, maybe this is what we both need.

  I smile. “Definitely. I’m scared but you know what? Fuck it, you should come.”

  She squeals out loud, then claps her hands over her mouth and ducks her head, but she can’t hide the silly grin on her face. “I love you so much more than a sister right now,” she says, almost breathlessly.

  “Sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m taken,” I tease her back, braiding my fingers through Eli’s and holding
out joined hands up.

  Dakota shakes her head. “You two are perfection. Eli, are you sure you want to—”

  “You and Teagan pick a date and I’ll arrange for the tickets. It’s taken care of. It’s done. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she says, then looks at me, questioning once more. “Okay?”

  “Sounds like a plan. Lylas, Dakota,” I say and she’s like the sun, aglow with radiance that comes from the inside, her cheeks rosy and her laughter giddy and my heart is happy, knowing I just made her day. Then there’s a banging sound and Dakota’s smile slips into a scowl as someone begins to yell loudly in the background.

  “I’m in my fucking room!” Dakota yells back. Another barely audible scream and Dakota’s shoulders tense, her hands clenching into fists. She looks into the camera, happiness evaporating into a cloud of anger. “I gotta go. She’s such a bitch. Talk to you later guys,” she says and the screen fades to black.

  “Damn,” Eli murmurs. I watch him on the screen, our webcam still running, and he watches me back, both of us staring without ever looking at each other. “Maybe this will give her the courage to leave her family behind and find greener pastures.”

  “I don’t know,” I tell him. “But for her sake, I hope so.”

  The room goes quiet, the only sounds being our breaths, in and out and in again. Then he makes a face, the mirror image displayed on the screen as he sticks his tongue out and crosses his eyes, changing from beautiful to crazyboy in point two seconds flat.

  I laugh and mess up his hair, scruff it up with both my hands, all the while watching myself do it on screen. I’m grinning and he’s grinning and I gently place the laptop down on the coffee table, making sure the webcam’s still on.

  Then I kiss him. I watch the way our lips collide like cars on a freeway, notice the way Eli’s body seems to melt and wrap around me as his hands cup the back of my neck, love the way that his teeth scrape against my lower lip before suckling it into his mouth. The camera picking up every little detail, I see the way I start to crumble under his kisses, softening under his touch. My fingers twine in his hair and I climb into his lap, legs wrapped around his waist as I drag myself and him closer, closing the distance between us until there is only us.