by Diane Lennox
“S-stop,” Pasha whispered, shaking his head. He didn’t want to hear this, not from Alice. Because Alice would never say something like this if it wasn’t true, would never push like this if it wasn’t important.
“And now that we know Soren is ShadowDarling, we know there is another side to him. A romantic, sensitive, and beautifully creative side,” Alice continued on, ignoring Pasha’s plea.
“Stop!” Pasha cried, covering his ears. He couldn’t handle this.
“You should stop, Alice,” Ezra said, sounding concerned.
“No,” Alice said rather firmly, but then bowed his head respectfully to Ezra. “In most things, I defer to you, Ezra, you are my leader, but you won’t be able to understand this situation and I must speak up or else Pasha is going to miss out on something very special and I can’t let that happen,” he said then looked back up at Ezra. “The sort of love you desire in your life is nothing like the love Pasha will desire in his. Pasha may not realize his feelings go past hatred and rivalry and possibly friendship right now, but I can see as plain as day that it is much more than that. Soren brings out the best in him, even if it’s in an aggressive way that I know you don’t appreciate, Ezra. But Pasha is aggressive. He is our little dragon, powerful and fiery and full of intense emotion. He will not be happy in a relationship where he is bored, where it is safe, and where he will not be pushed to be better and do more. I also believe, now knowing that Soren is ShadowDarling, that Soren most likely has the capability to be soft and caring. We’ve all seen his videos, I don’t believe he can create that sort of atmosphere of romance without being capable of feeling it himself. He would treat Pasha well.”
“STOP!” Pasha cried desperately. “Damn it, Alice, stop it! Why the fuck would you say all this? He doesn’t like me, Alice! The only reason he’s being friendly at all with me is because of Rafe! Fuck, even if this is all true, it doesn’t fucking matter because I would never have a chance with him. Even as ShadowDarling he never talked to me as Draconia,” he said then squirmed out of Yuri’s grip and backed himself up against the wall instead, hugging his knees to his chest. “I cried because you might be right, Alice, about all that shit, but everything is fucking ruined. I never got to know ShadowDarling and he never got to know me. I never got the fucking chance to get to see another side of Soren or him to see another side of me. And it’s the only chance I was ever going to get at someone liking me because unlike all of you, I’m not attractive. I’m short, plain, and have way too much energy for anyone to put up with me. My biggest asset is my computer skills and now I can’t even hide behind that.” Pasha smirked as he realized another big problem. “Besides, he’s human. Rex-fahn will never allow me to court a human.”
Ezra raised one of his big hands. “I need everyone to stop for a moment. There are way too many questions I need answered.”
“Yes, Ezra,” Alice said with a little bow of his head.
“First, Pasha, how did we get to a point that you were willingly going to Soren’s house to play games with him and Rafe? Also why is Soren being friendly to you because of Rafe?”
“Because Rafe wants to be my friend,” Pasha replied. “I don’t really know how it happened, but between Rafe’s shit with his family and Paris-khan, and my being upset with you guys fighting, we just sorta bonded. We were worried about each other.”
“And was Soren worried as well?” Alice asked.
Pasha squirmed a little, not wanting to answer. “Yes. I think so. He and Rafe brought me moose jerky the other day to cheer me up.”
Ezra cocked an eyebrow at Pasha.
“What?” Pasha asked, confused as to why Ezra was looking at him like that.
“We usually share when we get gifts of food from people,” Ezra said slowly.
Alice started giggling again. “You wouldn’t share if it was a gift from Marius-khan, Ezra.”
Ezra sent Alice a little glare. “What has gotten into you?”
Alice bowed his head again. “Forgive me, Ezra, I don’t mean to make you angry, but I said I will fight for this and I will.”
“Pasha doesn’t even want this!” Ezra exclaimed.
“Yes, he does. Who wouldn’t want to be desired by a man they admire, even if they infuriated them?”
Ezra looked to Pasha. “Is Alice right? Do you really want that brat to like you?”
Pasha curled into himself even tighter. He wasn’t ready to answer that.
“Ugh, both of you, out!” Yuri suddenly exclaimed, looking to Alice and Ezra. “I know you both want what’s best for Pasha, but you’re not even letting him have his own opinions about this. I would normally let you stay, but I don’t think either of you can shut up for two seconds to let Pasha figure himself out. So shoo. I’ll call you back when we’re ready.”
Neither Ezra nor Alice seemed pleased about this, but they nodded all the same and quietly left Yuri’s room, shutting the door behind themselves.
“By the fucking gods, I haven’t seen Alice get that feisty in a long time,” Yuri said with an exasperated sigh. “Now that they’re both gone, you just talk when you’re ready.”
Pasha nodded a little. “Thank you, Yuri.”
“No problem,” Yuri said then stretched out on his bed, resting his head on one of his big, fluffy pillows.
Pasha smiled a little and lied down next to Yuri, appreciating that his older brother was trying to make the atmosphere calmer and less threatening.
“I’m… I’m surprised you stood up to Ezra and told him to get out,” Pasha said softly, hoping the comment wouldn’t set his brother off.
“Me too,” Yuri said and turned his head to look at Pasha. “But I think I wasn’t scared to say it because I knew in my gut they’d back off if I told them to, and I think they knew they needed to, they were getting a little out of hand. Not that I entirely blame them though. It’s just…” Yuri paused and gave Pasha a very fond smirk. “You’re our baby brother, and usually you’re so strong and don’t need our protection, so when you do I think we all get a little crazy.”
“You don’t seem crazy.”
“That’s only because I’m not sure where to direct my crazy yet. I need to know what you want before I side with Ezra, who wants to beat Soren up for making you cry and ruining your fantasy, or with Alice, who wants to make sure you get the love you deserve.”
Pasha sighed and shifted so he could cuddle up against Yuri’s side. “What I want is to hide from everything right now.”
Yuri wrapped an arm around him and pulled him in close. “I know the feeling.”
Pasha snuggled even closer, basically clinging to Yuri at this point. “I love this,” he said.
“Cuddling?”
“Yes, but I mean cuddling with you specifically. You were wrong, Yuri. You know how to take care of me, you’re doing it right now.”
Yuri tensed.
“Don’t get upset,” Pasha said, keeping his tone as soft as he could. “Ezra is my leader and I adore him, but this time… I think Alice is right. Ezra won’t understand. Alice doesn’t even understand. He’s… he’s being too much. You’re the only one I think who understands me right now. Just accept that you’re the one I need.”
“Okay,” Yuri said softly, his body relaxing once more.
“Good.”
They lied there in companionable silence for quite a while before Yuri spoke again.
“I know I tease you a lot, Pasha, and I probably will continue to do so if you want to talk, but I will listen to anything you want to say. Or would it be easier if I asked questions instead? Prompted you?”
“Yeah, it would probably be easier that way,” Pasha said, clinging tighter to Yuri. He didn’t really want to talk, but at the same time he did. He needed to figure out his own thoughts after Alice said what he did.
“Okay. Hm… well is Soren hot?”
Pasha’s eyes widened and he shoved at his brother. The little brat!
Yuri laughed and tightened his grip, not letting Pasha leave hi
s side. “We’ll come back to that one.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Too bad. Anyways, forget Soren for a second. Are you even interested in courting? You’ve never really brought it up with us before.”
Pasha frowned and buried his face in Yuri’s shoulder. There was a reason he’d never talked about it before.
“What is it?” Yuri asked, his hand gently rubbing at Pasha’s back and shoulder. “Talk to me.”
Pasha shook his head and hid even more.
“Do you not want to court? You know we wouldn’t find you strange if you weren’t interested in that sort of thing.”
“I am interested. But…” Pasha swallowed hard. “Nobody is going to be interested in me.”
There was silence in response.
Pasha’s chin trembled again. “You can’t even argue it.”
“Oh, I can,” Yuri said then sighed. “I’ll be honest with you, Pasha, you’re not the sort of man that people generally find attractive. You’re not wrong, you are short, you are full of energy, and you have interests that most people really don’t care about. You’re an oddity. But, that also means when somebody does find you attractive, I think they are going to worship you for all the reasons others turn you away.”
“Because I’m short and plain?”
“No, dummy,” Yuri said and gently flicked at Pasha ear. “First off, you’re not plain at all, in fact I’d say you have the opposite problem. There aren’t many people with hair as violently red as yours or eyes that are such a bright green. And with this pale skin of yours you basically glow. You actually look inhuman.”
“So I look like a freak.”
Yuri sighed, sounded exasperated. “You know what? You kinda do. And most men are probably going to pass you by and go for more traditionally handsome men, but others are going to find your looks incredibly sexy. The same goes for your personality. You’re not normal, Pasha, and a lot of men aren’t going to find you attractive, but like I said, those who do like it are going to really like it.
“There’s going to be a guy out there who is going to get off on how competitive you are, and find your endless energy endearing rather than annoying. At least most of the time. And he’s going to love computers and digital art as much as you do. In fact he’ll probably think you’re a near genius, because you are, and he’ll be your biggest fan.
“And, well, I can see why Alice is saying that guy might be Soren. He understands your world and he obviously respects you quite a bit to see you as his rival. I don’t know if he would see you as a potential suitor, but I think the possibility is there. That being said, it doesn’t have to be Soren. There will be other men out there for you as well, Soren just happens to be a big part of your life right now, even if it’s not in the most positive of ways currently. Which is why I think Ezra has a point too. I don’t want you courting that kid either if he’s actually a huge dick like you say he is most of the time.”
Pasha groaned. “I don’t fucking know anymore! He can’t be a total dick if he was worried about me, and knowing he’s ShadowDarling really fucks everything up. I wanted ShadowDarling to want me. I still do. Fuck!” Pasha swore loudly. “He won’t ever want me, Yuri! Even if him and Rafe were never a thing it was so fucking obvious that Soren wanted it to be, and if he was into Rafe then he won’t be into a guy like me. I’m nothing like Rafe. I mean yeah, we’re both short and computer nerds, but that’s it. Our personalities and looks are almost the exact opposite.”
“So you want Soren to want you?”
“Yes!” Pasha exclaimed then let out a cry of frustration. “But I don’t want to want it! He still pisses me the fuck off! I have no idea if he’d actually be a good boyfriend, I don’t know if I’m ready to court someone, I’m so fucking inexperienced, and I don’t want to like him when I know he won’t like me!”
“Why don’t you just ask him if he likes you?”
“Because that will end horribly!” Pasha cried. “He’ll laugh at me, or punch me, or something else not at all pleasant if I asked him that!”
“Or, he might say he wants to court you.”
“He won’t. And I’m not sure if I could just jump into courting like that, not when I’m all still messed up about how I feel about him. Also, we still have another problem that we can’t do anything about – he’s human.”
“True,” Yuri said then suddenly let go of Pasha and got off the bed, making his way towards the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Getting Ezra and Alice.”
“Wait, no!” Pasha cried, but it was too late, Yuri was gone and a moment later he was back with Ezra and Alice.
“So, what’s going on?” Ezra asked and shut the door behind them.
“Well, we have a few problems,” Yuri said and sat back down on the bed with Alice and Ezra joining him.
Pasha glared and sat back up as well. He wasn’t ready to see the other two yet with all their strong opinions.
“The first problem is, if Pasha was interested in courting a human, would you let him, Ezra? I don’t care what Rex-fahn says, you’re our leader, we’ll respect whatever you say on the matter,” Yuri said, bowing his head slightly to Ezra.
Ezra looked to Pasha, frowning. “Whether the man is human or not doesn’t matter as much to me compared to whether or not he’d treat Pasha right and be trustworthy. That being said, I am worried it will be difficult since you’re a faerie, Pasha. All he needs to do is ask the right questions and we could be in danger.”
Pasha shook his head. “Soren is not a threat. Rafe wouldn’t be anywhere near him if he was and his father is a hunter, hunters are usually allies,” he said then shuddered. “Though, uh, his father doesn’t really like me at the moment. He’s really, really protective of Soren and Soren sorta painted me as his biggest enemy.”
“I trust your instincts, but it’s still a concern,” Ezra said.
“But otherwise you don’t care if he’s a human?” Yuri asked again.
“No.”
“There, one hurdle crossed,” Yuri said to Pasha.
“So you do want to court him,” Alice said, sounding excited.
“Possibly,” Yuri answered for Pasha. “After talking with Pasha it seems pretty obvious that all these feelings are very new and not entirely wanted. Soren has been Pasha’s sworn enemy for a while now so the sudden shift is going to be weird, also Pasha now has to reconcile the fact that Soren is ShadowDarling, which is going to be hard. We also have to consider that Soren used to have a crush on Rafe and as we all know Rafe got stolen away by Paris-khan recently. I’m personally worried about Pasha being a rebound of sorts and Pasha is worried that Soren will have no interest in him since he’s basically the opposite of Rafe. Lastly, courting in general is very new territory for Pasha. Also he thinks he’s undesirable. Which is bullshit.”
“That I can agree with,” Ezra said. “You’ve very desirable, Pasha.”
“You have to say that, you’re my brother,” Pasha said, even though he could hear that Ezra wasn’t lying.
“Of course I’m a little biased, and I won’t lie to you and say you’re my type of man, but you are desirable. You’re incredibly passionate, clever, and loyal.”
“You’re also beautiful,” Alice said, smiling warmly at Pasha. “Your eyes alone could ensnare a man if you looked at him with all the intensity that burns inside you.”
At that Pasha blushed and looked down. Of course Alice would get all poetic and make him sound more beautiful than he really was.
Ezra sighed. “I thought about what Alice said, about me not understanding, and I think he might be right. I mean, the relationship between you two,” he said, looking to Pasha and Yuri, “is something I don’t always understand either. You guys fight like crazy most of the time, yet you’re so close. Sometimes I even get jealous that you seem closer to Yuri than to me. So I suppose it would make sense that someone you’re rivals with, someone you fight with, would be someone you’re attracted to. I
just worry that the relationship would be unhealthy. A little fighting, when good in nature, is fine, but I wouldn’t want you courting a man who would actually be nasty towards you.”
“And perhaps I’m being too pushy,” Alice said next. “I forget how innocent you are in some ways because you’re so brave and adventurous most of the time. I didn’t think about how courting could be intimidating to you, especially with a man that you have a complicated history with. I just see the potential for you to be with someone who could understand you and admire you, and I want that for you.”
“I know. And I get where you’re both coming from. It’s just… everything is really fucking overwhelming right now,” Pasha said. “I don’t really know how I’m supposed to feel. I can admit that I want Soren to want me, but I’m not sure if it’s because I want Soren to want me, or because I want someone like Soren to want me. Because it wasn’t Soren I wanted, it was ShadowDarling – some nameless, faceless man who I could project all my fantasies onto,” Pasha said, his eyes widening as the words left his lips. He hadn’t even realized that himself until he heard himself say it. Apparently his mouth was ahead of his brain.
The confession silenced the room as it sunk in for everyone.
“Then let’s start there,” Yuri said softly, reaching over and taking one of Pasha’s hands. “Why don’t you try getting to know Soren better and take the time to figure out which one it is – whether it’s him, or the idea of him.”
