Forgive Me

by Melanie Walker

  All of that combined was a Molotov cocktail of epic sexy bad boyness and it did nothing for me. Even if he was single Noah Beckett didn't do it for me, only one man did and even in a potato sack Shamus James would always be the sexiest man I know.

  “It's impossible to know how you feel or what you think Cass. I have inked your story across your body, covered every scar with beauty through pain. I know every detail, every secret, slap, kick, punch and fucking cruel word he said to you, but I have no idea how you feel. What I do now is how hard it is to look at yourself in the mirror after a boot to the face. I know what it's like to have that negative voice of your abuser in your head all. The. Time. But I don't know or understand what you feel on a daily basis. Just because we survive something that fucked up, doesn't mean we are healed. Surviving is the hard part beautiful. If Shamus cant see through his fucking ego that you are surviving every minute of every day, desperate for a little peace, then he can fuck off.”

  He didn't wait for my reply because he knew I wouldn't have one. When Noah opened himself to you and let you in, it was very much like standing in the sun. The warmth from him, the feeling of being loved and safe and so deeply cared for was a gift that he didn't give to many

  Noah Beckett everyone.

  The black sky won the bet. The clouds had rolled in with a vengeance and winter had finally arrived. While the few drops of rain hit my windshield I sat in gridlock on the 405 and looked out over Mercer Island. I was day dreaming about the day I would buy my house on the shore. For now, my apartment suited me just fine.

  I missed Gig Harbor but my business was Seattle based as was UW where Candey had been going when we moved in together. I drove enough as it was between work and taking care of Jerry that the drive from Gig would leave me no money. When I heard the ‘Sex in the City’ tune play from my iPhone, I knew with a smile it was Roni.

  “Hey Ron what’s up?” My brother Mike was the best brother by far. He managed to turn my best friend from childhood into my sister. Roni and Mike had been married for four years now and I was impatient while I waited to be an aunt for the third time. Roni was due in three more months with their third and final baby.

  “So how are you today?” Roni asked and I bit back laughter knowing she was probably biting her lip and nervous while calling. Roni hated when people were sad, even more she hated when Mike or I were sad. This whole mess had all of us, including Shame who she was still close with sad. This must be driving her crazy.

  “I'm okay Ron. I knew this was coming and even if it sucks....” I trailed off not wanting to go into how bad it did suck.

  “Cassa, Jerry was very close to you and I know Mike and I both will forever be indebted to him for the way he pulled you out of your shell after Cory.”

  “Out of my shell? I'm still in my shell Ron and I always will be. I just chose to let you guys in my shell from time to time.” Jerry never once made me feel like a victim. He never once told me I was stupid to get married so quick after shame. He never told me that he was sorry for Cory trying to kill me. Jerry was just Jerry. He told me he loved me, he told me I was strong and smart and he told me I was good. Those are the memories I am choosing to remember.

  “I know Cass, I'm just saying that his passing was still kind of sudden...we are never truly prepared for-”

  “He killed himself Roni, and I knew he would.” I said finishing the rest of the story I already knew. He had said it a million times over the last year once he knew his liver was shot. Organ donation was not a possibility to an addicted patient and Jerry would have flipped the bird to the idea anyway.

  It didn't matter if I agreed with his decision or not, it was done and I had no choice but to accept it.

  My phone started beeping and a glance at the screen showed Carrie smiling wide with a bundle of baby girl in her arms. Noelle True Blake was just shy of one month old and by far the prettiest little girl in the world. “Let me call you back Ron, Cares is calling me on the other line.”

  “Cassa”- I swapped lines knowing that Roni would ramble about his health deteriorating and trying to justify Jerry killing himself. I was so sick of men and their bullshit cop out ways that I wasn’t about to listen to Roni defend it. She had a perfect soul but she had never been touched by the black.

  Carrie had and I knew she would just get it.

  “Hey.” I say and my tone tells her I am annoyed and done with dealing for the day.

  “Holy fuck Cassa.” Yep that was Carrie at her best.

  “Let me get home and off this fucking freeway and I’ll call ya.”

  Her laughter was dark. “Not even chica. I am driving to your place now and I’ll be there soon to intervene on Roni wanting to fix shit and all Jerry’s buddies wives from bringing you nasty casseroles and cakes and shit.” Carrie being Carrie, dropped the call on me knowing I would argue.

  Jerry was dead and now Shamus was going to start asking questions.

  *

  I sat silently, my mind racing two thousand different directions, all the directions leading right back to the same one.

  “Shamus?” I asked knowing I didn’t have the right to speak his name. After almost two years without him and a lifetime between them, his name was still the most special one on my lips.

  “He came home last night Cass. He was on the first flight with the rest of the guys the minute the show was over

  That wasn’t what I meant, but nodded in acknowledgment as Carrie opened the door again. This time it was Harvey, Chad’s grandpa here to pay his respects to me and most likely to check in on Carrie and Noelle.

  “Hey darlin’.” Harvey said and kissed my forehead. “Got Letty Valdez in the car but needed to hug my favorite girls first.”

  “Hey Harvey. Thanks for coming by.”

  “Jerry was a dad to you darlin'. Whatever that boy of his mistakes are, you were still his girl Cassa.”

  “I know.” I whisper through my tears and hug him tighter. That was something Jerry would say all the time. I was his daughter with or without Shamus.

  Shamus James was the one man who could bring me to my knees and that I would go willingly down for. Corey tried but he never got me there by choice. It had been two years since he left me with no explanation. I went to his house the day after he left and Jerry told me he was gone. Devastated, I slipped in a dark depression. The pain of losing Shamus; of him walking away from me, was still too fresh a wound.

  Enough of this dammit!” Carrie yelled and kicked a box in my bedroom...aka their old closet. I had just moved to Seattle with Carrie and Candey...trying to get my mind straight was proving hard. I was tired all the time. I couldn't eat or sleep. I wanted to do nothing but sit in my room and cry. All I would think about was his smile, or when he would kiss me how he would speak soft little whispers against my lips. I was driving myself crazy because all the memories I had of Shamus told me he had loved me...he couldn't fake what we had.

  It didn't matter now because he left just the same.

  And now I was pinned in the corner by one seriously pissed off Carrie Beckett. “I get it Sass, I do. I know how bad it hurts to not have the man you love. I know its a ripping, shredding pain but I also know there is worse shit in this world and a broken heart is survivable.”

  I knew she was right. She and Noah had survived so much and now she was surviving her own broken heart, living alone without Chad. I had to survive the loss of my parents and brother. But I had Mike and Roni and I also had Shamus and Jerry... even Shames mom before she passed. I knew nothing of surviving.

  “Look Big Mouth Barbie.” Candey intervened and was looking at Carrie who was rolling her eyes at Candey's nickname. “Cass isn't you and you aren't Cass. Broken hearts are private Carrie so back off a little. You and Chad were communicating about what was fucking things up in your relationship. Shame straight up left Cass with no word, nothing.”

  It was like taking a bullet every-time I heard his name. I was sick of feeling so broken and even if it was fake and make bel
ieve I needed to pretend to be happy, even if it was just for one night. I needed to feel good and pretty and even if it meant I was shallow...I needed to feel wanted. “Lets go to the bar!” I yelled jumping from my bed almost maniacly. Within seconds they were right on board with me.

  I had been so happy that night. I had my girls, a pretty dress...beers and tears.

  I also met Corey and my life changed forever.

  “Cass? You okay honey?” This was Carrie who was fully aware I was in dream mode. She knew what it was like to get trapped in a memory.

  “Yeah I was just thinking.” I didn't say what had my attention and I followed what had originally derailed my thoughts. It was always Shamus in some sort. I had taken it upon myself, after Shamus disappeared, to take care of Jerry. Shamus would call every Thursday night and I made sure I was scarce. Same as the few times Shamus would visit. Jerry stayed mum about my being around and as far as I knew, Shamus never talked about missing me. Jerry had always respected my wishes just like everyone else had and so Shamus remained in the dark. Now I would face him and pay my respects.

  “He doesn’t know Cassa….about you taking care of his Dad.” Carrie said silently bringing me back to the nightmare. Harvey had left and I still sat there shell shocked.

  “Did Mikey talk to him or the guys yet?” I asked Roni who had shown up just as Harvey left. Was I so far off in my own head that reality and the here and now were slipping away? I needed control.

  My big brother Mike and Shamus had been best friends since childhood, all the members of Thick as Thieves went back years but it was Mikey, Chad the lead singer and rhythm guitarist, Cal the lead guitarist and Shamus the drummer that had been childhood friends. They brought Noah the bassist into the fold about five minutes after meeting him. They were just destined to be friends, much like me, Carrie, Candey and Roni. Mike and Shames friendship, though still strong, is now strained because of me and the secrets I demand Mike keep. Mike was never a member of the band, only a fan and his dream was always to marry and impregnate my bestie.

  It has been said a time or two that brothers are gross and I will testify to that every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

  “Yeah he talked to him early this morning.” Roni sighed and I squeezed my eyes shut wanting, desperately to block out the pain. “Shame went straight to Carrie and Chads last night once they were in. He's at Jerry's now with Mike and Chad.”

  “Noah and Cal are coming after he wraps up a few things in Gig for the wake and Candey said she was on her way home now.”

  Candey is my roommate and fellow trouble maker since we are the last ones to get married or have babies. I did both in the dark and alone and Candey along with the rest of this silly little group of misfits, ripped me out of it.

  I was terrified at first to live by myself but Mike and Roni’s with all the love and babies wasn’t the place either. Candey and Carrie took me in and now it's just Candey and me and I love living with her cooky ass.

  Where Roni and I were bestie's for life, Candey and Carrie were as well. Candey had an ongoing and sometimes rigid relationship with Noah, cementing the fact to Carrie that brothers were indeed gross. Candey was everything awesome and true, just like her last name. She never spared feelings, spoke her mind and loved fiercely.

  She was in love with Noah and he with her though they fought it daily. I was still in love with Shamus and there were more secrets, hurt and anger between us than any ocean could distance us. I could and would never judge Candey for her fight for Noah. Noah was worth the fight, he just didn’t know it.

  I wanted Shame to fight for me, to save me. There were so many times that he would willingly defend my honor, some things were small, some big. I had dreamed day and night, every hit, kick, hair pull; every verbal attack of my worthlessness, my looks or my smarts. Every single time I went to my fantasy of Shame coming and saving me.

  Little girls are no different from women. We all want a knight on a white horse to save us. My knight is a tattooed drummer who rides a kick drum for a living. I chose a sociopath who hated me for reasons he believed.

  He is was only right for hating me when it regarded Shamus. I would die for Shame. He is my one and only and Cory knew it and despised me for it.

  I went through moments of truth, believing I deserved it all because of my mistakes. Those moments are no more. I fought to fight and fight I did.

  Now I will never be knocked down again and grab my happiness where I can and let it ride.

  There is no happiness in this sorrow however. I had dreamed of seeing Shame again one day and always thought it would be at Carrie and Chad’s wedding. I never wanted him like this.

  Shamus had ruined me in a sense; had left me empty and I had moments of blame towards him. Had he never left I knew we would have been together still doing what Chad and Carrie are.

  I can admit to myself now that yes, I went out, gave in to the first guy who noticed me trying to feel that fire again. I was addicted to being in love and just wanted it back. It was Cory that took me and it was Cory who was desperate to never let you go.

  I learned then and there that loneliness was a desperate bitch for a mistress, and that fucking mistress almost killed me.

  Jerry worked damn hard to put me back together. I had an entirely different outlook on life, one that I knew Shamus would never understand. I had taken great lengths to keep him from finding out how far down I had fallen in to hell.

  Shamus being back was jeopardizing all of my hard work and struggle to maintain this new outlook. Shame would see through me like crystal.

  I cried to myself though not wanting my selfish thoughts to intrude with my girls around. My chest was a burning ache, the pain of losing Jerry so strong I could barely get a breath. I could see his drunken crooked smile and his blood shot eyes. That was Jerry. To others he was a drunk. He had more to offer the world than anyone gave him credit for. He was beautiful and full of love. Now he was gone and I was broken yet again at the loss of a James man.

  How do you feel? That is the question

  But I forget you don't expect an easy answer

  When something like a soul becomes initialized

  And folded up like paper dolls and little notes

  You can't expect a bit of hope

  So while you're outside looking in

  Describing what you see

  Remember what you're staring at is me

  Stone Sour

  Chapter Two

  Cassa

  I stood at my chipped and ugly green counter and opened the liquor cabinet. A drink was fitting for the emotions, but also offensive considering the bottle killed Jerry. Most people would find it disturbing to honor a drunk’s ‘death by bottle’ with a bottle of liquor. Jerry would see it as a compliment even if it felt horribly wrong. I wasn’t used to drinking unless it was wine. I used to be a beer girl, I had been able to slam a shot of Whiskey and not blanch at the burn. That was BCN; Before Corey Noxx. Corey wanted a wife who was class not crass so wine had become my drink of choice. I fucking hated wine.

  I threw the bottle against the wall in the kitchen, watching as the red wine dripped onto the floor. I stared unable to care enough to clean the mess. I hated what I have become. I hated the echo of Corey in my mind. I hated the memory of Shames breath on my skin. I hated watching Jerry die last night. I hated everything in that moment.

  “Come on Cass. Let’s get you in a bath yeah?” This was Candey that was now pulling me to my small bathroom where Carrie was running the tub and the smell of honey suckle was thick in the room.

  “Where did Roni go?” I ask in a daze and slip into the hot water, feeling relief as the suds engulf me. What is it about a bath that helps clear the mind?

  “She left a few minutes ago. Noelle is tired and hungry and Roni knew you needed me babycakesso I get the night off.” Carrie winked at me before handing me a loofah and my body scrub.

  Carrie was sweet for pretending but I knew these girls. I was one of them. They h
ad every intention of making me look like a model tonight. I saw the evidence of my teeny tiny closet spread out through my room.

  Candey God bless her, rounded the corner with a squat glass of whiskey in her hand. “For me?” I ask perking up.

  “Obviously baby.” She says and hands me the glass.

  “So I know what you guys are doing seeing as the evidence of this little makeover is scattered across my room. But why?”

  They both started laughing and Carrie stood to gather my straightener and other hair supplies. “No straightener tonight.”

  They both look at me and Carrie giggles knowing damn well why I would wear my thick curly hair all natural tonight. “Good point. Shame always loved your hair when it was wild and curly.”

  Carrie was talented in making a confession look like an idea. I loved her for many reasons but that one was a big one. She knew all my secrets and I knew hers, a night spent in the hospital when my truth was obvious to everyone. Carrie took my abuse and told me about her own. She referred me to her therapist and has never forced me to talk. Carrie’s secrets could rival anyone’s and she always understood the value of trust and secrecy being hand in hand.

  “What time is the open house thing anyway?” I ask Candey who is now handing me shaving cream and razor in her other hand.

  “I love you Sass but those legs are like a cactus.”

  She didn’t stop once she caught her error in calling me Sass, knowing I hated that fucking name. I shrug and act like I didn’t notice either.