Forgive Me

by Melanie Walker

  I entered the building and smiled at the night clerk at the desk. “Shamus James.” I said and extended my hand. “I’m here to work a little aggression out on my drums.” I smiled my famous smile knowing by the look on the young guys face he knew who I was before I even told him my name. Celebrity had its perks in times of need and it let us all get away with a lot more and more times than not we got our own way easily.

  “Sure man.” The kid said and handed me the visitor pass that had a bar code I needed to swipe to get into the studio.

  “Take it easy my man.” I said with a wave over my shoulder. I told myself I would chat with the kid on my way out after I had worked the fury off. We had a few mellow songs on this album and Cal and I had been fighting the sweeter side to TAT. Chad and Noah were both in good places right now and happy, they were also the main writers of our music. I loved our work and the songs were great, but I needed mad tonight.

  I flipped the card against the pad at the door and waited for the green light. Once inside I saw the producer we were working with this round, sitting at the switchboard. “Tate.” I said in acknowledgment to the man who was making this album the biggest yet. He was a bad-ass when it came to laying tracks, and I was glad to see him there tonight.

  “Shame, nice surprise man.” He said and stood to shake my hand. “I didn’t expect any of you here until Monday.” He was smiling but it was the smile I had been getting from everyone lately, the sad smile, the ‘ sorry about your dad’ smile.

  “I need to beat some drums tonight, figured I would warm up and see what I came up with for the guys.”

  The look went from sympathy to greed in a nanosecond. “Sure take your time and let me know if we need to record anything.”

  I nodded and opened the door to the sound proof room, feeling at ease when I saw my drums sitting pretty and waiting for me. I had used Yamaha for years, but the first check I had I went out and got the all white PEARL drums that were a close second on my list of things I loved. Cassa was and would always be the first.

  I tore my shirt off and grabbed my sticks from my back pocket. I pulled my iPhone out and started scrolling through my music looking for the right song. Next were my skull Candey ear plugs and I took my seat. This moment before the first hit came, the release of it, was as close to religion I would ever experience. It was like coming home every time. I loved playing, it was as crucial as eating, breathing and fucking. I loved unleashing it all on stage, loved letting it all go and giving it to my fans. I loved being at my boys backs, on my own pedestal looking out over the crowd who cheer and scream for another song. If they only knew what it did to me to see them out there every fucking time.

  Tonight was about me playing for myself. I needed the peace that came from being in here alone and letting it out. The rage, the fear all of it would release if it killed me. I needed my composure to handle it all, to let it all go. My dad and his dying was all I could take, or so I thought. Cassa was pregnant with my baby, getting beat daily, almost murdered and every mother fucker I know kept it from me.

  The anger hit, my blood pumping and my pulse in my ears I found the song to start my set for warming up. I only warmed up with fast tracks that were hard hitting. If I didn’t know the song, I sure as fuck did pretty fast.

  I started hard and fast the way I liked it. Playing along with my music in my ears. 'Face Down' by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus was a fitting song for the anger pushing through me. I followed along, playing my set along with the music in my ears knowing the words and knowing why I chose it. Every symbol, every kick to the drum, I felt the hits myself, I saw her lying face down, saw her after she had finally had enough.

  By the end of the song, I wasn’t even close to done and let the next song on my play-list start me off…and oh fuckin yeah, there it was. The sweet spot was always when I felt the song in my blood, felt my arms moving at their own volition without my brain guiding them. It had become second nature to play and follow the beat.

  Nickleback's 'Never Again' started and I followed every note to a ‘T’. I listened to the words as it played, not such a fast song but the drums in the song had me busy and able to follow. By the third song I was in my zone. Blue Octoberwas up next, a newer song called ‘Bleed out’ I needed the slow to fast. I needed to feel myself bleed out so I could get through this. Once the song picked up, I followed the beat singing along thinking of her dying. Seeing my father going into the light to find my mom. I saw her face tonight as she handed me that letter. I felt the concrete of her balcony on my knees as I dropped at her feet holding her close. I saw her face as I walked out the door, telling me she was gone.

  It was being in my dads house today at first with Cassa. I had loved watching her fight the draw to me, I thought it was cute that I still drew her in, but I saw the fear come into her eyes so fast and knew even if I didn’t want to admit it, I knew there was more to the story.

  I relived the moment when everyone showed up and all the secrets unfolded before me like a God damned joke. Seeing the look in my friends, my family, all I had left- looking at me with sympathy and guilt. All the lies, all the secrets shattering everything in me. I was overwhelmed with anger and pain from it all, and oddly enough, a little pride. Pride that while I was busy pinning for her, wishing like hell I could take my leaving back, they had been there all along trying to help her.

  Like it had never left the rage was back and I ripped the earphones from my ears and let them fall. I was on my own now and whatever tune I was hearing was working because I saw Tate lean over and flip the ‘recording’ light that stopped anyone from entering the room while I played. Good I wanted to be alone.

  I don’t know how long I was in there, how long I went playing songs that had no words, no rhythm. I was drenched in sweat from the exertion but couldn’t stop. All the pain, it came out then and there and I would go until I had nothing left. My eyes were closed, there was no smile on my face. I was lost in the work and paying no attention as the room filled with the rest of my band.

  By the time I stopped and opened my eyes, the rage was back and with a vengeance when I saw Chad, Cal and Noah all standing stoic with their arms folded over their chests. They could have been there hours or minutes.

  I didn’t know.

  I didn’t care.

  I wanted them the fuck out of here.

  My eyes fell to Noah, Noah who had tatted my girl, had listened to her story and watched her try to heal. I saw then and there in Noah’s eyes; the fear of what they had done to me, what they had hidden. I saw the regret and the apology.

  What I saw that mattered the most, was they were all there and ready to accept whatever fate I gave them I just wished like hell I knew what it was.

  *

  Shamus

  “What?” I asked breathless as the tremors start. I must have been going at it for a while because my arms were rubber and shaking. I didn’t want to have this talk, I didn’t know if I was ready to look them all in the face and tell them to fuck off. My moms lesson with the toothpaste came back. “If you’re here to tell me your sorry or that you had your reasons you can save it. I cant stand the sight of you guys right now and that’s fucking eating me, so do me a favor. Turn and get the fuck out and we will deal with this tomorrow.”

  Harsh much? Sure…did I care? Fuck no I didn’t.

  “It is tomorrow dumb-ass.” Cal said and took a seat by the window that separated the recording room from the production room. “We have been all over the damn place for the last seven hours looking for your pissed off ass when Tate called and said you had touched on something amazing and we better head down here.”

  I tossed my sticks to the stool behind my drums and reached for a water and a towel. “Well you are all wasting your time because I have nothing to say.”

  Noah stepped forward then and just the movement had me ready to pounce. “Back the fuck up Beckett.” I snarled. I didn’t recognize the guy I was then, anger had consumed me and that was that.

  “I won
t. You wanna hit me have at it dude, but you need to deal and then fucking calm down. Go fuck a groupie or ten and reel it all the fuck in.” Noah was about as straight forward as they could get but he was wading in very crucial waters here.

  I stepped forward until we were toe to toe. “Don’t ask me that again dude, you may not like the outcome.”

  “Shame you need to hear us out-“

  I cut Chad off before he could finish. “I don’t need to hear anymore I fucking assure you I have heard enough. Why the fuck are you guys here anyway?” I dropped the towel to my feet, my eyes never leaving Noah’s even as I spoke with Chad.

  “Jesus Shame!” Cal roared shocking me because the guy very rarely lost his cool. He was by far the most even keeled of us all. Only one other time had I seen him this heated and it was Carrie getting the wrath. I remembered going out to talk to her in her car after she stormed out after fighting with Cal. We were just starting out and she had come to the Seattle show looking for Chad. I went out to the car trying to reason with her over the argument. They had been broken up because of Chads kind of infidelity. “You act like we did it intentionally with the sole purpose of hurting you.”

  “You did it knowing damn well what would happen if I found out and that’s all that matters.” My eyes were on Chad now, then to Noah and I laughed in disbelief of how bad things really were. “You two crossed a line with me. The way you fought over Carrie and keeping her safe, the fucking beasts that beat down a single woman's door and you both knew the fucking beast beating on my girl. You didn’t stop and think for one split fucking second that I had the right to know?”

  “You didn’t have the right.” Chad said stepping to Noah’s side, fucking brothers in defiance the two of them.

  I scoff and roll my eyes like a petulant teenage girl. “I love her and always have. Fuck you I had every right!”

  “Then why leave?” Cal asked and I swear to God he stood by them leaving me on my side alone.

  I threw my arms up in frustration and turned my back to walk back to my drums. “None of your business. That shit is my cross to bear.” I wasn’t about to go down in those flames tonight. The old man made his point, he had me tucking my tail and running away but it was me that stayed away.

  “Well Shame will tell me when he’s ready as for now, maybe you guys should give us some time to talk in private.”

  I looked up, my stomach, my heart and my nuts all dropping when I heard my girl at the door. Cassa was standing there in all her beauty and pain, Tate behind her obviously being the one who let her in. “Sassy…” I didn’t have words. Fuck I am such a pussy when it comes to this woman, because damn I go from fury to gentle in seconds.

  “It’s fine Shame.” She has the saddest smile when she tells me it’s fine and I want nothing more than to take her sadness and carry it all for her.

  “Cass we really need a few minutes with Shame.” Cal said and walked over to kiss her on the cheek.

  Fool.

  Cassa wasn’t going anywhere. I could see it on her face.

  “Me first Cal.” Was all she said before she opened the door and stared them all down. Chad looked at me and I could see and feel his frustration but it was too damn bad and too damn late. Bridge was burnt and turned to ash. For the first time in my life, I had no faith in the music we made. It was all tarnished.

  “We talk next.” Noah said not bothering to look at me as he followed Cal and Chad out the door, stopping at Sassy and whispering something that made her smile a softer smile than the one she gave me. He kissed her cheek and looked at me one last time. Whatever he was so damn mad about, had a lot to do with something I did. Considering I had no clue what I could have done I figured I would poke the angry dog and egg him on.

  “If you got something to say Noah bark it out and be on your way.”

  His back had been to me, but he turned at the pissed off tone I spoke to him with. He made his way to me in three strides. He didn’t walk fast or come at me with threat and intent. It was more than that, he stepped up to me with knowledge of something I would never understand. It deflated my anger the minute I realized why Noah had protected her.

  I was the fool.

  Fuck!

  “Try to remember that no matter how many times he kicked her, pushed her, slapped her. No matter the words he used to break her, he never robbed her of the woman she is and has always been. Remember that while she was laying there dying, she didn’t cry and she didn’t beg…” He looked over his shoulder at Cassa. “Strong as fuck.” He said to her not me and turned to leave, kissing the crown of her head and slipping out of the room like he had never been there.

  On my knees, I'll ask

  Last chance for one last dance

  'Cause with you, I'd withstand

  All of hell to hold your hand

  I'd give it all

  I'd give for us

  Give anything but I won't give up

  'Cause you know,

  you know, you know

  Nickleback

  Chapter Ten

  I watched her close the door behind Noah and lock it, the pulling the cord to the blinds between production and recording. We were all alone. The recording light was off as well. I could see the fight in the back of her eyes, she wanted me to stay, I could feel it. I could also feel the fear… she was scared to death of confrontation. I didn’t care; I was not going to lose her again. “We cant be together again Shamus, I know that. I’m here because I know your hurting and feeling betrayed and I am the reason for it all. I begged and pleaded with everyone we knew to keep my life a secret. Chad and Noah tried to get the news crews to not run the stories, but they did anyway and so they did what they could to keep you from watching the news.” She tapped her palm against her chest, “me Shame. I am to blame for all of this. I manipulated everyone, I used guilt to keep them quiet. The guys fought me so hard every time you were in town. I needed you to have your dream. You ripped me into shreds and left me empty and aching for that dream. I did everything I could to keep it from touching you because I believed that you leaving me in such despair had to be worth something.”

  "I don’t believe you."

  Cass let her head fall back and laughed. "Look at me Shamus, I am a joke. I don’t remember who I was."

  I walked to her then fast because I only had this one chance. "I do. Your'e my Sassy. I will help you remember Sass."

  "I can’t Shamus, please don’t make this harder than it needs to be."

  "How can you ask me to walk away Sass? I have lived through that hell and I can’t do it again. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. Every song I write is a song for you. I went insane when I heard you married him, when you gave me up." I saw her defenses weaken and I knew I had her. I cupped her face in my hands. My voice was cracking when I spoke again. "Had I known that last night would have been the last time I would see you, I would have memorized every feature." I wiped my eyes as the pain rushed through my chest. Trying to get control I had to keep control here. I took a deep breath but the fear of losing her was to strong, my voice hitched again. "Or that the last time I held you...” Tears rolled from my eyes without my consent. “Oh God I wouldn’t have let you go. I would have stayed in that bed and made love to you and traded all my fortune, all my success, to have you. I forgot what your touch was like." I reached for her hand and placed her palm against my cheek. "I forgot your kiss and the sounds you made when I make you come. I can’t lose you again." I stood before her, I had bared my soul to her and she still looked shut down. This was going to kill me but she had to want it, had to feel it. I would never force her see my side. My side meant nothing when the fear was so deeply rooted inside of her. I may know she was capable of fighting back but she to know it.

  "I'm gonna go." I said and turned my back to her ashamed of the tears in my eyes. My voice cracked ever so slightly as I kissed her cheek and said goodbye. I grabbed my jacket from the hook by the door, and padded my pockets looking for the absent keys. All of my movemen
ts were robotic. I had lost the will to fight for her if she wouldn't fight for her either.

  "Shamus No!" she cried.

  Those two words changed my fucking life.

  I caught the door with my shoulder before it closed and turned my head to see her coming at me. I stepped toward her in enough time to reach her just as she reached for me. “Tell me you want to fight Sass.” I inhaled the fresh scent of her hair as she arched her back.

  “Please, just make it go away. Make it all disappear like you used to.” She cried.

  I lifted her into my arms and pushed her back against the bright red wall all while keeping my tongue deep in her mouth. That was all I needed to hear. Both of us could taste the others tears as I worked at her jeans trying desperately to get her naked now! I broke the kiss to pull her shirt over her head while she spread her legs to cradle my hips.

  I set her feet on the ground and dropped to my knees before her. I caught a glimpse of the pain she was in while kneeling before her, like a beggar taking what I could get. She was using me right now and I knew it. She was so full of anger that I was the only person she could lash out like this to. I didn’t mind. I would take it away, I wished forever but it was tonight only and I was willing to bargain my heart and soul to give her what she desperately needed. I would be the dark dirty need she was craving; I would be the savior if I had to. I let go in the moment and focused only on her demands. "Make it go away Dammit!" She cried as if reading my mind.

  Dark and dirty, got it.

  I cursed when I slid a finger along her slit then another. “Fuck.” I leaned in and opened her with my other hand seeing her clit already swollen. I took it between my lips and tugged back while she clawed at my scalp. She still tasted like passion, nothing else could describe what I felt as I licked and flicked to and fro on her hardened clit. I drove my fingers deep in her tightness, wishing that this moment would stop!