Forgive Me

by Melanie Walker

  “Sounds like a very vicious cycle honey.” Tayla says and sips from her sweet tea. “Maybe it's best you both have a tell-all session.”

  I think of her words, let them soak in and know she is right. I am just getting to know Tayla but I adore her and how sweet she is in a no nonsense, don’t mess with me I’ll eat you alive way. Tay was fierce with the people she cared for and lethal in their defense. It was why she had assisted in making the band as successful as they were. Their talent took them there and now keeps them high on the platform. Tay just makes sure they are remembered long after the show ends.

  “You were there through this whole mess Tay… what was he like?” I ask and I know it isn’t fair, I ask her to tell me what I am too afraid to ask Shamus. I see Roni rolling her eyes and I’m taken back by her blatant rudeness, but before I can ask her what’s wrong Tayla is answering me.

  “I want to go on record right now that the only reason I’m breaking my cardinal rule by talking about them and their personal life is because I know none of you could or would hurt them and sometimes you need a push to get the answers you seek, but also because I may need your exclusive help in figuring something out myself…” She says the last part very quietly and you can see the slightest bit of sadness in her eyes.

  Interesting…

  “I didn’t even know he had left you behind honey. I learned a lot over the first year or so after they were signed because of the extremes the guys were taking to keep you safe and Shamus from learning what had happened. What I do know is that he was miserable from the moment I met him, which was about ten days after the guys showed up in California. I was on the bus the day he demanded we pull the bus over on the damn Gig Harbor bridge no less. He stepped off the bus and all of us watched thinking something had happened to the bus. He went to the edge where the fence is and with cars lined behind us and honking, the bus driver demanding he get back on the bus or he would leave him behind…” She pauses in the story and I see a sheen of tears in her eyes and my stomach drops unsure but afraid of where the story is going.

  “Cal jumped out of the bus and was trying to pull him back in the bus. Chad was on the steps yelling for him to come back and talk to them. Noah stepped down and told Cal to give them a minute. They talked for a few minutes and I don’t know what was said, but Shame dropped his head to Noah’s shoulder and cried, right there on the bridge. The cops showed up and ticketed him, Noah and the driver for the traffic jam and for stopping on the bridge. When we were getting ready to leave, with cops directing us no less, Shame pulled a black rock or something from his pocket and chucked it over the bridge. Cal told me later that evening when he took me to my hotel, that he learned you had married Cory.”

  Oh my God.

  Oh my fucking God!

  “Oh my God.” I say with barely a whisper. The story didn’t even sound like Shamus. Shame didn’t make scenes or cry ever. The only times I saw him outright cry was over his mother passing over Jerry passing, and when he learned of our baby and the abuse that ensued after I miscarried. Crying over the fact I had tried moving on? No, it didn’t sound like Shamus because had he cared he would never have left.

  Tayla nods and sips again from her sweet tea. “I learned bits and pieces after that and then you were almost…well you know…and from there out the guys were constantly stressed. Over you and your health, over Shame finding out. I demanded full disclosure when they asked me to help with hiding as much from the public and from Shame. Cal told me what he knew and I did everything I could in my power to protect Shamus. After that day on the bus, I was scared of what he would do had he learned about your attack.”

  Jesus I felt like I was an inch tall. I had no idea that Shamus had pined for me. The way he colored it was that yeah he missed me, couldn’t get over me but was glad I was back. I had no idea he had been so sad…all the women and the tabloid sex scandal stories. It had gotten to the point I refused to pay attention let alone what to believe.

  “I never knew he missed me. I honestly thought he had chosen that life without me…the pull of being the rock star and all.”

  “Oh Cassa he more than pined for you.” Carrie says and pushes her plate back after laying her napkin over the top. “Remember when I went to Seattle to get Chad back?”

  I nod remembering Candey and I getting her ready to go get her man. I had sat there dreaming of being strong enough to do the same. I had just moved in with them after leaving Mike and Roni’s constant supervision. I had gone to them after I was released from the hospital because of the lengthy recovery. I was so happy to go to Candey and Cassa when I left my brothers house. I assumed they would have been easier on me, but they were even worse mother hens than Mike and Ron had been. I had been so annoyed back then, but as time passed, I realized how lucky I was to have so many people who loved me.

  “Well, after Chad and Cal both were such dicks, I went to my car to have a really good cry. Shame came out and sat with me for like twenty minutes. He kept referencing how, if he could have a shot with you again, even though he was mad, he would take it and never look back. He said that Chad loved me the same way he loved you and that meant Chad would come around.” She laughs a little. “God, I felt like such shit too because he kept asking if you were happy and in love. I realized he didn’t know you were divorced and I wanted to tell him the truth because I could see how he was grasping at any small piece of you. I told Chad the following week over the phone that if Shame ever found out the truth we were all dead meat. He said that he wasn’t sure because Shame was such a fangirl wthese days… he figured that Shame had finally given up hope.”

  I was bawling as all of them continued with stories. My heart breaking over and over again as they filled my mind and my heart with Shames constant longing for me. I was so mad at myself for how I had been treating him since he left for the PR tour, but I was still mad that he was obviously missing me, sad about all we had lost and yet he had to know I was miserable without him. He was obviously affected by learning of my marriage… why not come home and take me back? Why let me go? Why the fuck did he leave me if he loved me so much?

  “Sweetie, we aren’t telling you these things so you feel bad. This is your girlfriends giving you a come to Jesus talk. He loves you Cassa. I don’t think there is anything he wouldn’t do for you.” Candey placed her hand over mine on the table as she spoke.

  “Then why leave?” I ask, hoping maybe they have the answer. “Why walk away from perfect? Because we were perfect. We had this sync thing that always kept us strong. We were in love!” I cry the words and know that they are at the bottom of everything else. “We were so in love and he left me.”

  I say the last part through my sobs before dropping my head in my hands and letting the pain out in the only safe place I have, and that’s with my girls.

  “We don’t know the answer to that Cass. This is why you can't allow yourself and Shame to be over again, without fighting for it.” Carrie says as she pulls me to her shoulder for a hug. I am so glad that we are in a private area of Chilies for this.

  “Fight for him.” Candey says.

  “Let him fight for you too hon.” Says Tayla.

  Roni who had been silent most the lunch finally speaks up. “Can I say something here?”

  We all kind of chuckle because she had been so quiet and thoughtful as everyone gave advice and told stories. When I look at her, though, I see a touch of anger and remember her eye roll before.

  “I am your family Cassa, and I love you like my own blood so I hope you take what I have to say right now as a show of respect and support.”

  We are all looking at her waiting for her to speak, but I fear whatever she is about to say because Roni looks mad and that anger isn’t at Shamus but at me.

  “Not once after Shamus left, did you go looking for him. You didn’t try to call him and you certainly could have found him. You let him leave and I’m guessing he left out of fear, fear of what? I have no clue. You didn’t wait for him either and that
is good because what he did was shitty and disrespectful. What I don’t get, is if this love was all powerful then why let him go without a fight? Then move on to the first guy that sweeps you off of your feet. Shames side of the bed wasn’t even cold yet. You expected all of us to be happy for you and your “marriage” never asking us if we liked Cory let alone giving us a chance to get to know him. You cover a pregnancy that was you and Shames’ baby, tell Cory, it’s his, and ask us all to lie for you. When things went bad with Cory you kept it to yourself and I know you were ashamed, but the more we tried to pull you out the deeper you dug your heels in. Then after he tries to kill you, we are all asked again to lie for you and cover your tracks which we did because what happened was indeed awful and terrifying. But in all of this, all the secrets and all the lies it was never about Shamus being hurt, it was you being humiliated.”

  I am stunned silent. I don’t even know what to say, because through all of this, Roni has been my safe place. She is the one I can turn to and ugly cry, I can tell her the darkest truths and I know she will listen and let me be scared and cry. What I never knew was how angry she was at me for it.

  “Sorry that I have put you out.” I snap at her. I can feel the tears coming and I refuse to let her see me cry. I grab my wallet and drop a twenty on the table and stand to leave.

  Roni grabs my arm and tugs with enough force I lose my footing and fall back to my chair. Tayla, Candey and Carrie all gasp in shock at the change in Roni. “Don’t you dare think of storming out without letting me talk! I have been at your side through all of this and I deserve to be heard.” She says through clenched teeth.

  “Yeah Ron, heard not demeaned.” Carrie says with a tremor of anger in her voice.

  “And you think I’m saying this to hurt her? C’mon Carrie you know I would never hurt Cass, but I won’t let her live in this lie anymore.” Roni looks back at me. “You have been given a second chance here Cass, one that you deserve. You refuse to face what happened. Every appeal Cory makes every parole hearing, all of it. You don’t say a word, you don’t fight you just find new ways to hide it and now with Shamus back and fighting for you, you decide blaming him for everything because he left is what’s fair? It’s not. That man has no clue what the fuck your life is like because you hide and lie to him and everyone else. You need to face what happened Cassa. It is ugly and sad and awful and I am so sorry it happened, but if you don’t face it you will never find peace. This isn’t Shames fault, it’s not your fault. This is Cory’s fault and he is the one who is getting released from prison now because you couldn’t face him.”

  Shock is a heartbeat at the table right now. Roni just blew all my garbage out for the world to see. Carrie Candey and Tayla are all looking at me with a mixture of fear and hurt.

  “You didn’t fight?” Candey asks and I know she means Cory. “How could you not fight to keep him locked up Cassa?”

  “I didn’t want to go relive it all just so he could try and appeal it again. It’s humiliating.” My voice sounds small as I speak and I can’t look at any of them because of the shame.

  Roni makes a disgusted sound and stands to leave. “I love you Cass, so much, but I can’t watch you hide anymore. You need to face what happened. Mourn the loss of your baby, mourn the loss of ever being able to have a child. Cry and scream at the injustice of what happened. Forgive yourself for being alone and sad and desperate for comfort, that you sought it in the eyes of a psychopath. Forgive Shame for leaving and accept that your life and the views you have of it have indeed changed, but that doesn’t mean it’s over. Face what happened, be honest and find some happiness Cass, because you have nowhere to hide it anymore. What you did to Shame is wrong, just as wrong as his leaving you with no word. You need to come clean if you want to keep him… maybe grow a set of balls and ask him why he left because I can’t take the excuses anymore.”

  She didn’t look at any of us as she left. Her words sinking in with every step she took toward the exit.

  And I fell apart.

  I see... Oh I don't know why there's something else.

  I wanna drum it all away...

  Oh, I said, "I don't, I don't know whether I was the boxer or the bag."

  Ah yeah, can you see them out on the porch? Yeah, but they don't wave.

  But I see them round the front way. Yeah.

  And I know, and I know. I don't wanna stay at all.

  I don't wanna stay. Yeah.

  Pearl Jam

  Chapter Twenty

  Shamus

  I walk in the door of my house in Gig and go straight for the fridge and a cold beer. Everyone agreed to meet up at the Aloha House for some beers and relaxation tonight. I expected more fanfare when we got off the plane, but it was Tayla there to meet us explaining that a wedding emergency was taking place and that the girls would meet up with us all later.

  I didn’t know and I didn’t ask if Cassa was going to be there. Maybe it’s my ire, but I was done kissing her ass. I don’t know, have no clue what happened to us, but I was also done asking. I had hoped that she would have been there at the airport, tears in her pretty eyes and that all this shit could have been worked out. Instead, I am left questioning what happened to us. Cass had always been the one for me and I never questioned if we would find that groove again, but I started questioning it the minute I started the PR tour.

  I don’t doubt that it’s what went wrong, I know being gone ninety percent of the time can cause one hell of a strain I just never thought it would get this bad. I just want what we had back. We had been so strong and I let an angry old man get in my head. I blame my dad for all the disaster that my leaving caused. It wasn’t just the nightmare that unfolded for Sass, but my life had been hell too. I was drinking every night just so I could sleep without all my mistakes running a play by play through my mind all night. Once I learned she was married, I buried my dick in any chick that was willing, even though it was her I thought of every time. I treated all the women like they were my playthings and at my disposal. At times it had become such a second nature that Cal and I actually made a game based on the hair color of the fangirls. Now even the idea of going back to that life made my stomach turn in protest.

  God, I don’t want this!

  But looking at the way things are isn’t going to work either. I need her to see reason and talk to me. I can make her listen and see we have amazing we don’t need painful.

  Deciding that the only option I have right now is to go tonight, in full swag and do everything I can to get her heart racing, get her beneath me and remind her of all the pro’s we have and force her to tell me her con’s.

  *

  Cassa

  “Talk to me Cass.” Carrie says as she lay beside me in my bed with Candey on my opposite side. They have the essentials for this freindervention… tissues… wine and chocolate covered caramels.

  I have been crying since we left lunch. Part of the pain is from Roni and her “face it” lecture and the rest because she is right. I haven’t faced anything. “What is there to talk about? I haven’t faced anything. I haven’t talked to Shame about anything since the night I told him about Cory trying to kill me.” I sit up and turn so I can look at them both. “I can't ask him why he left me. I can't!” I am pleading hoping they understand.

  “Why Hun?” Candey asks and drops a caramel in her mouth.

  Okay… so they don’t get it. Note taken.

  “I get it.” Carrie says and places her hand on my knee. I wonder if she read my thoughts, but I say nothing, letting her speak. Carrie knows what it’s like to live through something horrific. This is her field of knowledge. “When Chad and I had sex the first time, we did things that I never thought I would be okay with. I wonder sometimes if I was truly ready for the blowback from meeting Chad. Remember that night after the first show I went to and me and Noah got into it outside?”

  I see a dark, sad, look cross Candey’s face and I instantly remember it being the night she saw Noah going down on a fang
irl and the tears that lasted days after that. I also remember the fight between Carrie and Noah and the graphic nature of the fight.

  “Yeah.” I say not wanting to dredge up all the memories of that night for both their sakes. Shame and I had made love that night so fiercely because we were safe and in love and not dealing with excess like our friends were… oh how the times have changed.

  “Chad asked me to tell him about my dad that night and I refused. My refusal lead to him asking questions that I couldn’t answer. I had the answers, but I didn’t have the strength to tell him them. I woke the next morning to an awful nightmare and overheard Chad and Noah fighting about the altercation. It was what Chad said though that broke it all down for me. He was all in, he always had been. We had sex that night for the first time and after and I was freaking out he told me that he loved being with me, but not with my dad there controlling it.

  “I of course went to Noah and freaked thinking I had blown things to shreds and Noah brought me down. It’s not about telling the gritty details Hun. It’s about letting him in. If there is anything I know babycakes, it’s that he wants to fix it. I know he can't, you know he can't but he is a man and men are tough and loud and perverse. He sees this as his fault for leaving, no matter how obnoxious that is, and I get it, it’s way obnoxious, but it’s the men. Chad takes full blame for me leaving the concert the night I was attacked. He swears he should have pissed off thousands and tanked the band to protect me. It’s ludicrously sweet.”

  I let her words soak in, I take them in and see where she is coming from but I still have those fearful doubts. I want so bad to scream and fit and yell about the unfairness of it, but fear I’ll never come back from the pain if I let it out.

  “You’re right, I don’t know, maybe I need a mental institution to get my head straight.”