Forgive Me

by Melanie Walker

  Placebo

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Cassa

  I wake the next morning in a sweat drenched bed with a pounding in my skull. Nightmares of everything I finally faced last night, played out like a jaded and broken movie reel for me all night. I don’t know how many times I woke, grasping at drenched sheets or waking up gasping from ghost pains due to the various kicks I took to my ribs.

  “You’re such a fucking useless waste Cass. Fucking leave already…improve my life.”

  I could feel the raw and tender scalp from the times he knotted his fist so tight in my hair forcing me to look at him. Feel his hand as it slapped against my cheek in a demand for my submission. “Look at me you fucking cunt.” I could still feel his spit as it hit my face and my tears, hot as a branding iron, as they escaped my eyes, no matter how hard I had fought to keep them back.

  I jump from the bed and all the dreaded memories. I need coffee and a shower to wash away the burden of last night. Once the water is scalding hot that it is painful, I finally step under the spray and feel the burning effects of the night wash away. My thoughts are now overrun by Shamus and his incessant screaming of my jumbled name last night out my window. His voice was horse and raw and I wanted to go to him but knew I wasn’t in a state of rationality. All the burning questions of his tirade last night came rushing back.

  He had a ring… he threw it off the Gig bridge… Cal and Noah both knew why he left, the real reason… so many questions I needed answers to.

  By the time I was out of the shower, it was only my burning questions for Shame that occupied my mind. Cory was all but forgotten for the time being, or until my subconscious decided to play memory roulette, whichever came first.

  I walked in the kitchen to see Tayla and Candey drinking coffee at the table. “Hey chica. Coffee is ready.” Candey says and smiles at me. I know none of my girls will ask how I am and I am grateful.

  I pour my cup and move to sit beside Tay. “You’re here early.” I say and sip from my cup of Seattle’s Best.

  “Business.” She says and shrugs before handing me a stack of pictures and unpublished articles from every press docket in Washington. They’re all pictures of me, shocked and hurt looks on my face, from every possible angle. Shame to my left at the table in the Aloha House with that fucking rock star smirk on his face, I can't stand. I read the first headline, “Shamus James dumps short time girlfriend in a bar back home, details page six.”

  I toss the remaining stack on the table and groan, burying my face in my hands. “God damn it. How bad is it?” I ask not making eye contact.

  “Not at all sweetie. This is me doing my job. I call it damage control.” Tayla taps my arm and I raise my head enough to look at her. She has a small manila folder in her hand. “Sign these, honey. They’re documents stating, that if you decide to go public, on you and Shame’s relationship, that you’ll give a personal interview with Shame at your side.”

  Before I can even ask how, she laughs. “Honey, this doesn’t mean you have to ever talk about it. It just states, they won’t run it, if you promise to give an exclusive whenyou do. Who the fuck knows when, when,will be?”

  I love her so much right now it’s almost erotic.

  I grab the pen and give a shy thank you, because she must have been up all night doing damage control.

  As I am signing what feels like fifty papers, all promising the same thing, Candey stands and grabs her keys. “I’m off to fuck Noah.”

  I almost spit my coffee at her declaration and she laughs loudly as she makes her way to the door. I don’t know how it is that she and Noah still shock us all considering their vulgar displays, but they do it and often.

  “God I don’t know how her and Carrie do it,” Tayla says silently. I can only assume she means be with rock stars.

  “Carrie is a pro at it these days, Candey is just Candey. She and Noah are kismet in a crazy way.”

  Tay laughs, but she seems distant. Fearing she is angry about all the track down and cover up work she was obviously up all night doing, I know I should apologize. “I’m so sorry you have to lose sleep over this and get mixed up in the drama. Hopefully he had his fun and he can talk to me like a sober adult today.”

  Tay just smiles and places her hand over mine. “What he said to you last night wasn’t cool, but give him a break babycakes. He didn’t mean it.”

  Oh man, poor Tay didn’t understand how wrong that was to say to me. I am immediately thrown back to a memory with Cory.

  I had just come home from the hospital after miscarrying. I was tired and in both physical and mental pain. Cory had been so distraught over the loss, he was barely talking to me at all. I was terrified he knew the truth and was just waiting for the other shoe to fall.

  I had slept in the first morning home and was cramping something fierce. I was barely able to get from the bed to the restroom and sometimes I would cry the whole way. By the time Cory got home from work, it was late and he had been in court all day so I stayed in bed resting. I decided knowing how I was hurting and the late day he had, that pizza was the meal for the night.

  He was distant at first, just walked slowly around the room looking at everything with extreme intent until his eyes fell on me. “What the fuck did you do all day?” He asked me, his eyes, terrifying.

  I tripped over my words, taken back by the nasty twist in his demeanor. “I stayed down today resting.”

  He stalked the end of the bed before coming up to the nightstand where my bottle of pain killers was. I had taken one in the morning, but I zoned out so bad I didn’t want another so decided to stay down and stick to the over the counter Med's instead.

  “One this morning, but I didn’t like how it made me feel.” I was answering cautiously now, scared of the vibe he was radiating. I knew then that was the change in him and the first sign I should run and never look back.

  Before I could even register his movements I felt the sting below my eye from the back of his hand. “Don’t fucking lie to me. I come home from a fifteen hour day and your lazy ass is in bed doped out of your mind.” His voice was nothing but furious rage and the warmth I had always seen in his eyes was replaced with disgust. “I know being a rock star’s groupie for a few years might have killed more than a few brain cells, but I won’t tolerate this shit. You need to carry yourself with more class or you and your shit will be out of my house so fast you won’t know what hit you other than my foot as I kick you out the door.” He doesn’t wait for a reply before he sweeps his arm across my bed table and all the contents, tissues, medication water and my books, all go flying across the room and to the floor.

  He grabbed me by the back of my head and knotted his fist in my hair, forcing me to stand from the bed. “Get off your lazy ass and get this shit cleaned up.” He tosses me to the floor like a rag doll, and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.

  It was a good hour later when he came walking back in the room, all sweet and loving. In his hand a glass of red wine and a plate of pizza that I had ordered before his attack. I flinch when he sits at the edge of the bed beside me, terrified of his next move. “Don’t flinch Kitten, I won't hurt you.” He says it as he brushes his fingers against the painful and swollen bruise beneath my eye. “Fuck Cassa, I'm sorry baby. I've been so upset all day about the baby and I couldn’t concentrate in court because I was worried about you. You were so sad last night and it took all my focus today. Once I was home and the entire house in disarray and you are ordering pizza with my money… I lost it.”

  Listening to the excuses, I knew then, the monster I had married. He had managed to make it all my fault and found a way to manipulate me into believing I’d wronged him and was to blame.

  “I won't do it again Kitten I swear.” He says and kisses the bruise softly. “I didn’t mean it you know I didn’t.”

  I am pulled from the memory of Tayla waving a hand in front of my face. “Earth to Cass?” She says when I blink and look at her confused because obvio
usly I tuned out while she was talking.

  “I'm sorry.” I whisper and close my eyes wishing I could forget. “I think I'm still tired.” I laugh it off hoping she won't notice my obvious distress over the memory. I bring my coffee to my lips, my hand trembling.

  “That isn’t tired Cass. That was ugly as hell whatever it was. You want to talk I am all ears, if not ill respect your wishes.”

  “I'm okay, really.” I say and smile even though I'm ready to burst into tears.

  She nods and stands gathering the papers. I'm still lost in the awful memory, idly cupping my cheek relieved when there isn’t any pain.

  “Cassa?” She says from the door and I turn to look at her. “Whatever it is that put that look on your face… it wasn’t your fault.”

  She leaves without my response and within seconds I hear her mustang ripping ass from my apartment building.

  She was right… it wasn’t my fault, but like usual, I brushed it under the rug and told myself repeatedly that day that he wouldn’t do it again… he wouldn’t, he loved me too much. I had vowed to give to Cory what I had so desperately wanted to give Shame. I devoted my heart and soul to him, all but the small pieces Shame would forever own. I swore I would never push him that far again.

  I was wrong though…it only ever got worse, until I was left for dead, broken and bleeding, butchered and robbed on the bedroom floor.

  *

  Shamus

  I woke up this morning with jaded memories of the night before flashing through my mind, and an aggravated Tayla beating down my door.

  I roll from my bed in an alcohol induced buzz, that informs me I am still drunk, not buzzed and this shit will hurt later. By the time I make it to the door I hear my cell phone ringing “So what? I’m still a rock star…” and I fear the banging on the door combined with Tayla calling is the starting point of one hell of an ass ripping. I open the door, but don’t offer her entry, because I know she will barrel through anyway. Instead, I turn and head to my kitchen to start brewing coffee and search for pain med's that will kill any headache planning to make an appearance once I’m sober. I hear the door slam and smile.

  I smile because I am an idiot…only an idiot smiles in the presence of a pissed off woman.

  “How are you feeling today?” She asks me sweetly before taking a seat at the counter in my kitchen. Her tone is sweet and caring and I am smart enough to know it’s a façade.

  “Still drunk.”

  She rolls her eyes at my response before dropping a folder on the counter. “I just left Cassa’s and made sure she understood what I was having her sign, considering this is the first time she has been photographed by a shit-ton of paparazzi.”

  I take the folder and pour my coffee, drinking from it as I make my way to my living room, preparing to sit and read all about my eventful night.

  The first picture stops me from any more laughter. Cassa is standing in front of my table at the Aloha House, Carrie beside me, with a death glare on her face, and me smirking at the pain on Cassa’s. Oh fuck me what did I do? I read the entire story, from what I gather, I guess I made our personal fight a public one. “Jesus, I was so drunk Tay, I can’t remember what I said other than I know I was mad at her.”

  “Oh, you told the entire bar, Cassa included, the engagement ring, throwing it off the Gig Bridge. My personal favorite, was you telling her that she had no right to be hurt by your behavior.”

  Appalled at my behavior, I groaned and look at her. “Why the fuck would that make you happy?”

  She taps her chin, as if in deep thought, and looks at me smiling. “Oh, because she told you to fuck off loud and clear… it was quite amusing.”

  “Jesus.” I groan and sit back rubbing my hands over my face.

  “Yep.” She says and tossed the manila folder on my lap. “Cass signed this morning I need you to sign. You know the drill.”

  I sign per the usual and sit back to look at Tayla. “What does damage control from my end look like?” She has spent more time with Cassa since I’ve been back, than I have, and I need to know how she is, is she effected by this or am I just a pansy?

  “She’s sad, very sad. This morning… I don’t know what was on her mind, but she completely zoned out while we were talking over coffee. Whatever it was that stole her thoughts was ugly. I’m only guessing here, but I think it was something from her past and nothing to do with you.”

  This kills me, as it does every time. I know that look, I have seen it so many times that it’s hard to not know what steals her mind. “I want to talk to her about it so bad.”

  She sighs a knowing sigh. “I’m not about to break any confidences here, but I will say be careful what you wish for. She was so completely broken last night Shame, raw like I have never seen before. Knowing the things she told me last night, carrying that type of pain around and shame… it burns your ass.”

  Fuck, I hate that people keep telling me that knowing what she survived is a hard weight to carry. Why won’t she trust me to help carry that burden? “I don’t know Tay… I’m starting to think I’ll never know.”

  At that she laughs. “No, I’m certain you’re about to find out. Noah came in like a fucking hurricane last night hoping she would come talk to you.”

  This was interesting and scary because I had no idea what she was talking about. “Talk to me where?”

  Now she is laughing hysterically and I feel a deep sickness roll through me… the ‘what the fuck did I get into last night’ type. “What Tay?” I ask.

  “No way, this one is for the guys to share.” She stands to leave, but stops and drops a small kiss on my head. “I would give anything to be loved like you love her Shame.”

  I speak without thinking. “Cal?” It is the one thing I ask, but already know the answer to.

  She only smiles a small smile, a sad one and makes her way to the door. “Looks like you may get some answers.” She says and opens the door for Noah as she leaves. “Fuck please tell me you didn’t tell him about last night?” He asks and I can see the excitement coming off him at my possible humiliation.

  Tayla laughs and hugs him as she leaves, yelling over her shoulder, “Oh no, I saved it for you guys.”

  I make my way back to the kitchen for more coffee and grab a mug for Noah as well before I dock my iPod and get tunes going. Music is in my blood, mix that with coffee and I’ll start coming out of the haze.

  I shuffle to Puddle of Mudd and hit play on Blurry, right as Noah comes through the kitchen. “Should I start some nice over easy eggs… the runny kind that taste good but still make you sick because you like em’ anyway?”

  I gag and shove the empty mug at him knowing he is trying to make me sick.

  And succeeding, the dick.

  “Blurry?” He asks and cocks a brow as he fills his mug. Noah gets music on the same level as I do. The lyrics and the meaning.

  “Makes sense don’t you think?” He knows what I mean by that because the song states it clearly. “Nobody told me what you thought, Nobody told me what to say. Everyone showed you where to turn, told you when to runaway” Yeah Noah got it, even though it made me a bit of a dick.

  “Touché?”

  I laugh and sit at the counter. “Spill it, what did I do?”

  He laughs and leans between the counter and the sink. “It would be easier to tell you what you didn’t do, than what you did.”

  I groan and roll my head on my shoulders as “She Hates Me” comes on. Laughing darkly, I turn it up. “I’m guessing this makes sense too?”

  Noah looks at me and shakes his head, serious now. “What do you remember?”

  I think back over the night. I’m not the blackout drinker, but there have been times that it can take a few days for all of the night's events to come back to me. I can remember the bar and all that took place there. “Well, I remember the bar and yelling at her. Tay showed me pictures the swag mags took and they helped piece it together a little, but I’m a little jaded after the bar.”


  He laughs. “Chad and Cal drug you up and down the streets of Bellevue why you yelled and screamed for Cassa to come out come out wherever she was. By the time we made it to her place you were too far gone to talk to her so I went in and told Candey to call a cab. I walked in though in the middle of a chick fest with tears wine and chocolate. Gave me the creeps so I made my point and left.”

  “Made what point?”

  He groans and rubs his neck in frustration. It’s the dudes only tell and it usually means he wants to nut you. “Dude, I came to make fun of you not for girl talk.”

  I knew I was a pussy, I had no choice to own it when it came to Sass. “I hope one day Candey finds a way to baffle you and leaves you wondering what the fuck, because it will happen and when it does I’ll remember this moment.”

  I am only half kidding and he knows this.

  “Dude, I just told her enough was enough. The evasive bullshit is getting old and I made it clear I wouldn’t pick her over you or the band again. She either starts talking or I do.”

  He shrugs like all of that was the norm. Not at all, in fact it’s a complete douche-bag move.

  “And you think that can help?” I am close to hyperventilating. “Fuck, I can’t believe you thought threatening her was okay. I thought this was your area of expertise?”

  He laughs at me and shakes his head. “You know I never knew that I was surrounded by idiots until recently with this shit between you and Cass. I swear to fuck you are all fucking crazy.”

  “Explain because it sounds to me you lost what little warmth you possessed and went for the jugular!”

  “What little warmth I had? Fuck you Shame. How about all of you back the fuck up and remember who Cassa is? Get down under the beaten and abused shit and you’ll see she is still there. She has allowed everyone to forget who she is and she allowed it because she forgot too. Cassa is not a submissive pussy Shame.”

  This, in all his anger and bullying, makes sense. “Continue…”

  “Take a dog, for instance. You get a dog from the pound and the dog is great, full of energy and happiness. But you don’t nurture that and over time that dog loses its vibrancy and over time it can become a killer if treated bad enough. You think me and Carrie were born this jaded? Fuck no, we learned to be careful of everything that had a possibility of hurting us. You can make anyone be submissive, but it doesn’t mean they are naturally that way. Cassa was never submissive. Even the times he tried like fuck to beat her into it, he couldn’t and it’s why each time, the beatings were more severe and the mental shit was more lethal. What happens to a dog that can’t be tamed? You kill it and get another. That is what Cory tried to do and he even failed at that.