Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  I took the paper from her hands slowly, my heart hammering at the idea that she had read his poem he had written me the other night. I knew she didn't mean to be rude, but I had wanted to keep that part of him secret.

  "It's all right, Hannah," I murmured and then my smile faltered when I read the first lines.

  So much beauty in your being,

  Surely you are an angel sent down to me.

  I blinked and let out a gasp at the words.

  "It's another poem," I breathed.

  "Another?" they asked in unison, excitement clear in their voices. I blushed and dragged my eyes away from the poem I desperately wanted to read now.

  "He wrote something a few days ago. I saw it on his desk when I cleaned the other day," I explained nervously. I was not sure what they would say about my snooping around his personal things.

  "Katherine! Do not leave us in suspense! Read what he wrote!" Emma whispered urgently.

  "Emma, this is private," Hannah admonished.

  "You read it," Abigail whined.

  "All right!" I said to end the arguing. "I'll read it out loud just so I can read it too!"

  Abigail bounced a little on the bed and clasped her hands together in glee. Hannah merely let out an exaggerated sigh and lay down on her side at the foot of the bed, Emma joining her with bright eyes. I swallowed and cleared my throat, knowing my voice would do nothing for his beautiful words.

  “So much beauty in your being,

  Surely you are an angel sent down to me.

  Such warm eyes as you regard me,

  Surely to draw me into your pure heart.

  Such sweetness in your voice,

  Surely must be Heaven made.

  Such a tender embrace,

  Surely to offer me His strength in your arms.

  Such soft lips,

  Surely offering God's love.

  Such kindness,

  Surely to remind me be true.

  Such luck I have at Heaven sitting beside me,

  Surely to assure me of my Earthly duties as a man.

  Such amazing beauty,

  I see in you.

  Kate.”

  I read it again silently, a great smile tugging on my lips as I read his words.

  He had written me another poem.

  He had grinned at me knowingly that afternoon when I asked how much he had written, knowing he had slipped this into his mother's Bible. I sighed and looked up from the paper, into Emma's dreamy stare. She hummed and closed her eyes and nodded.

  "He is writing again," she whispered happily and flopped back against the headboard.

  I looked at her askance.

  "Nathan wrote the most beautiful words for Sermons before," Hannah explained. Her sad smile told me when he had stopped writing.

  His family's death had changed so much about him.

  It made my heart soar that I could bring him a little happiness back.

  "Katherine," Hannah whispered, pulling me out of my pleasant daze. I looked up into her contemplative eyes.

  "He has written you prose. He has given you his mother's Bible. You must understand this is serious," she whispered, Emma and Abigail nodding beside her.

  I swallowed and looked down at the paper once more, at Nathan's clean script and meaningful words. I knew it was serious. I could feel it in my bones. The conversation with Hannah flitted through my head again.

  He is intent on making you his wife.

  Very serious.

  Is that what I wanted?

  I had only known him a few days, how would I know that?

  But this was a different world. Perhaps they did it this way. I had no idea. The idea of trying to impress him, or the Elders made my stomach clench. I had no idea what I was doing. The panic on my face must have alarmed Hannah and Emma because they both moved close to me and extended their hands to hold onto me, comforting.

  "How do I make this all work?" I asked, clueless.

  My words must have surprised them, for Hannah pulled away with wide eyes and Emma let out a happy laugh.

  "I knew you liked him as much as he did you!" she said merrily.

  "But what do I do?" I repeated, exasperated and collapsed back onto my back in the bed, covering my face.

  If this were my world, we'd go out again, move on to touching and feeling, and probably be called boyfriend and girlfriend. Did they say that here?

  "We will help you, Katherine. It will be all right," Abigail whispered hugged me across the waist.

  "So then what do I do now?" I asked, growing more nervous as I thought of how to impress Nathan and not cause any trouble.

  Hannah leaned back into the bed and thought seriously for a moment.

  "I must ask you, Katherine,” she said and held my hand to focus all my attention on her. “Do you truly wish to be one of us? Would you give up everything, to live this life?”

  “I would,” I whispered, knowing in my heart that it was true. I hadn’t felt more at home anywhere than I had since coming to West Grove.

  Emma reached over and held my hand over Hannah’s. Abigail mimicked her sisters.

  "Tomorrow, Katherine,” Emma whispered, “When we do our chores, we will talk about what you must learn then. It will be much, but we pledge to help you. And we will help you with Nathan, for he is hopeless when it comes to courting.”

  I laughed quietly with my new sisters; sure that poor Nathan would be traumatized if he knew what they thought of him. Hannah wished us goodnight and Emma and Abigail tucked under their covers while I opened up my new book to the very beginning. I knew that their world revolved around this book.

  I needed to get familiar with it.

  So that I could get familiar with Nathan's life.

  I opened up to the first page, the words coming to me easily. Maybe some of the most famous words to this book:

  In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth.

  I might know some, but I knew I had so much more to learn.

  Tomorrow.

  Chapter 15

  "So there are public gatherings just for the purpose of courting?" I asked, digging out the carrots from the ground as I spoke.

  "Yes, we will go to one after the next Sermon. Hannah and Mark will be married in a couple of days, it is expected that everyone will be here to celebrate that, but it is also a chance for couples to mingle and speak together," Emma explained and wiped the dirt from her fingers.

  She had three times as many carrots pulled as I did. I was still learning.

  "So you don't go out on dates then, by yourselves?" I asked and stood to stretch. I was covered in dirt where my knees had been shuffling around.

  "That is not allowed, Katherine. Except during Rumspringa. But that is not talked about," she whispered loudly, as if it were a secret that couples could sneak away during their coming out.

  This had been our thing for the last several days. One of the sisters would be with me while we did our chores and they would expound on the ways of the Amish.

  First it was the basics.

  Abigail recited the Amish week for me over and over.

  The days of the week all had assigned duties to be completed.

  Monday, laundry.

  Tuesday, baking for selling at the local market.

  Wednesday, a deep clean of the house on top of our daily cleaning chores.

  Thursday was a day of reflection, and many times celebration. Like weddings and Frolics.

  Friday was gardening day to harvest and replant anything not done daily.

  Saturday was canning and preparation for Sunday meals.

  Sunday was a day of rest. Every other week, the families met for Sermons together at the house of a member of the community.

  Duties were more or less assigned to each family member, to even the load. I was starting to understand why the Amish had so many children; except Fannie and Jonah. They had to be struggling with only daughters. Jonah managed his crops with help from Mark and occasionally a man I did n
ot know. But like Nathan, it was difficult. How much of the Amish life was always a struggle to make ends meet?

  I had learned so much in only a couple of weeks, but knew I was terribly behind on how they really lived. And loved.

  Courtship was secret. The couple didn't announce themselves until the man had the Bishop come and ask the girl her thoughts on their union. That little bit of information made me sick to my stomach.

  The Bishop asked the girl if she wanted to marry the boy?

  And the Bishop asked her father for approval?

  Well, that would go over well.

  I had no intention of having my father agree to anything in my life. He had done such a great job already. Emma must have seen my reaction when she told me. She leaned in and offered me an encouraging hug.

  "It will be all right, Katherine. Father will be sure to say yes. I have no doubt," she said and walked off towards the kitchen, allowing me a moment to let my emotions get the better of me, for just a moment.

  Jonah would say yes. How welcoming this family had been to me, that they made me a part of their family, without question. So much kindness, it was amazing the amount of love this community had. And the assumption that Nathan would want to marry me, would go through with having the Bishop ask me was a giant leap. Jonah would answer for me, instead of my father. They had taken me as their own with no worries that I wouldn’t be accepted into the community.

  Would the Bishop let me marry one of his own? Would he allow an Outsider to be a part of the community? Would he allow me to be a part of Nathan's life? Did he have a choice? Surely love was more important than duty.

  Was it love? I had no idea. I knew I had an undeniable draw to Nathan.

  And Nathan's affections seemed clear.

  Yes, Jonah would say yes. He seemed intent on making sure his family was happy. It was a remarkable feeling, having so many care when really it was not their duty.

  I wiped my wet face with dirty hands, not caring if I smeared the dirt under my eyes. I didn't want them to see I had been crying. I wanted to prove to them that I was strong. All the information crammed into my head would be used well.

  How strange it felt, having a sudden determination to make this work. To make the firm choice that this was what I wanted. I wanted a life here, in this simple world. I wanted a life with Nathan, a man I barely knew, but felt something so strong, it was meant to be. These people had strong convictions. I would too.

  I walked back to the house, head held high, determined to learn it all. I was determined to get through my Book, so that I understood everything about it. It was an integral part of their lives. It was an important part of Nathan's life. I would learn it all.

  ~~~~

  We had worked hard all week in preparation for Hannah and Mark’s wedding. Our chores had more meaning, knowing that we were preparing for a special event. We had to prepare our home for the neighbors and guests that would be filling it the coming Thursday. The days had seemed to fly by, and I was happy to finally be able to feel the rhythm that was daily life here take a hold of me. The women showed me how to live the Amish Way, and I was learning that baking was most definitely my strength. My pies sold well at the local Amish market as well as the General store.

  I was learning to make a life here.

  I was pulling out the last of my boysenberry pies from the oven when Nathan came in with Jonah from outside. Every time he walked in the door it was like a rush through my body. The soft smile and dip of his head as he tried to hide it would always make me smile in return. You would think after being with the Bergers for almost two weeks, with him here for meals and evening sittings, I would be used to his timid glances and smiles.

  Even when he appeared sweaty and dirty from the field, I found myself staying close to him regardless. There was something about a man who worked hard for a living that was just incredibly attractive. He smelled like the earth and an honest man. Not disgusting in any way, I assumed those nights when he came in cleaner from the field, he must have washed up, worried that he would turn me off from a particularly grueling day. Nathan wanted to please me as much as I wanted to please him. So when he would walk in, covertly smiling towards me while I helped Fannie bring in the meal, I would do what I could to make sure he was happy. Seeing him smile was more important to me than making a good pie, truly. I wanted to please him as well.

  My sisters would giggle and make fun of me in the evenings after he had left. It was strange to have family that knew about our interest in one another, all the while respecting our privacy when we went for our walks. We were supposed to be secret after all. We would talk mostly while we walked together in the evenings, learning of one another's world and each other. But the energy would always intensify when the barn came into view, when we would disappear from prying eyes behind it.

  Nathan seemed to be able to time exactly how long our walk should take and how long that meant that we could spend kissing. He always seemed to pull away just as I felt sure I would collapse from the intensity of it. Always the same, just as he would feel me pull against him and open up to him, hoping for more than his hands cupping my head, or cradling my back. Every time, he would pull back and let out a long breath, putting me back at arm’s length.

  It wasn't like I didn't know he liked it. But instead of trying to cop a feel or move to the next level like Sean always did, Nathan would pull away and take my hand to resume our walk, ending up back in the swing seat, talking quietly. It was a little flustering, until I remembered we had only known one another for few weeks. Less really, given Nathan’s avoidance those first few days. With that in my head, I would take a deep breath and enjoy his hand in mine whenever I could, and smile at the intensity of our feelings.

  I enjoyed this slow progression. It was a nice change from the pressure I had always felt with Sean. Nathan was gentle and tentative, respectful. Even if our bodies craved more, I liked the fact that I felt safe with Nathan. This was how a relationship worked. Evenings sitting and talking, a stolen kiss, and the tender heat of his hand in mine. It was a natural progression. Eventually, something more would happen when the time was right for both of us.

  For now, I enjoyed the simple with Nathan. Nights relaxing after a long day were better when I was with him. If the light of the early evening allowed, he would read to me passages from the Bible. I was delighted to hear him read, especially when he touched on passages I had read earlier in the day. Any time I could spend quietly, I was reading from his mother's book. I found the stories fascinating. And integrating them into their lives, I felt I understood the Amish lifestyle more.

  The Amish lived their lives based on the words in the book in my hands, quite literally. As I read something that struck me as familiar, I would find an example of it in the daily life of the people around me. Living the simple life, not drawing attention to oneself, not being vain. Respecting ones Elders, treating strangers with kindness.

  So many things that they lived by.

  The Amish were an honest God-loving community.

  Listening to Nathan every night as he recited words of wisdom, I heard more than his gentle voice, I heard the meaning of what he said. I was starting to see that he had a purpose to his passages. It seemed to offer him some solace as well, reading to me, allowing me to learn from him. Perhaps it was a way of healing his broken faith.

  But on some nights, he seemed more reflective than others. Like this night.

  We had taken our walk, our brief time behind the barn a little shorter as he settled us back into the swing, his brow slightly furrowed as he cleared his throat and fiddled with his mother's Book in his hands. He read tentatively, as if he was troubled by what he read. I touched him gently on the arm, drawing his attention to me before he started.

  "Are you all right? You seem nervous tonight," I said, watching his lip disappear into his mouth.

  He brushed his hair behind his ear and sighed.

  “My thoughts weigh on me tonight,” he said quietly and tried
to smile.

  “Did I say something wrong to offend you?” I asked, worried that perhaps I had done something wrong.

  He shook his head and let out a nervous laugh, fidgeting beside me as we listened to Mark and Hannah laughing inside. It was the night before their wedding, and the excitement seemed to spread throughout the house, except on the porch where we sat.

  “Tomorrow your sister will marry,” he said after they quieted down inside.

  I nodded, confused at his reaction when he glanced at me from the corner of his eye and let out a heavy breath. He cleared his throat again and traced the edge of the Bible as a distraction.

  “She is very happy to be wed,” he said.

  Again I nodded.

  It was all she had talked about when we weren’t trying to teach me about the Way.

  “Weddings are important in our community, as much so as the baptism of new members.”

  I straightened up a little with that.

  “I was going to ask you about the baptisms,” I said, watching as he let out a relieved breath and turned to listen to my questions.

  “You get baptized when you’re older,” I started.

  “Yes, it is our belief that you choose your way,” he said.

  “And you do this after your Rumspringa?”

  He frowned slightly and nodded.

  “Not everyone takes their Rumspringa. Some know before that. And some,” he said and his voice trailed off.

  “You haven’t been baptized,” I pressed gently.

  “No, I still must take the classes and choose my path.”

  “You need to take classes?” I asked, curious.

  “Yes, and then once you have completed them you can choose. It is assumed that once you start taking the classes, you have already chosen. But some still choose to leave,” he said and shifted in his seat.

  “So I will have to take the classes too,” I said, thinking out loud.

  I still had much to learn.

  He was quiet as I sat there thinking about everything I needed to accomplish.

  “You would choose this life?” he said finally, looking at me with those deep eyes.