Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  "I wanted to," I replied, stepping up to the step he fidgeted on. It was then that I noticed he was barefoot. Long elegant toes peeked out from the bottoms of his pants.

  "I was going to wash," he murmured, tensing when I leaned in slightly. "I am filthy from the field."

  I nodded and closed my eyes, taking in his scent as he stood there. As dirty as he was, he was still alluring. He smelled like sweat and dirt and the crispness of freshly cut corn. When I opened my eyes again, he was regarding me strangely. His eyes crinkled and he let out a nervous laugh.

  "I must offend, Kate," he whispered.

  "No," I murmured, my voice husky and tipped my head up to look up into his heavy lidded eyes.

  I felt his hand wrap around my waist, drawing me close while his lips searched me out, capturing mine hungrily. I felt a thrill shoot through me at his needy claim, happy that he was becoming more adventurous with me. He moaned softly, his mouth opening up for me to explore. I could taste the salt of him on my lips from the day's hard work; the taste of him had me sinking into him.

  Just as I thought I would pass out from the overwhelming need for him, Nathan drew away slowly, his eyes taking me in as he held me loosely to him. He let out a long contented breath and reached up slowly to stroke my cheek. Glancing towards the door, he shook his head and regarded me with apologetic eyes.

  "You should go. Jonah will be waiting and I must clean up," he said with a small smile.

  I nodded and took the last step down a little shaky, preparing to leave.

  "I'll see you in a little bit? Are you too tired to sit with me tonight?" I asked, not wanting to ask him to stay if he was exhausted from the long day.

  "I would never miss a chance to sit with you, Kate," he replied.

  I grinned and made my way outside, trying to fight the giddy need to giggle like a girl. Jonah came around the corner just as I stepped out and we made our way back towards his house. He continually glanced my way, fighting a smile.

  "Katherine, may I speak with you openly?" he asked as we climbed the hill.

  I tensed and looked at him worriedly, but nodded.

  Was he preparing to give me the same speech he had given Nathan?

  "Are you happy here?" he asked, surprising me.

  "Of course I am. I have never been as happy," I replied, a little confused.

  He smiled at me and continued.

  "You have been with us for almost a month, Katherine. And you seem happy in this life. I wished to ask you before we discuss your family," he said, his face suddenly serious.

  I sobered up quickly, knowing we had to talk about that eventually.

  "Your father will need to know soon. If this is truly where you want to be, if you see your future here, we will go and speak with your father after Nathan and I have cleared our fields," he said.

  "This is where I want to be," I replied quietly, looking out over the fields that lay between the Berger’s and Nathan's home.

  This was my home. I could feel it in my heart when I looked on the two houses that felt more real to me than my home back in California. I hadn't lived before coming here.

  "And if your future were to include Nathan? You would be happy?" he asked a little more softly.

  I smiled bashfully towards Jonah, unsure how to respond.

  He chuckled and grinned at me with a twinkle in his eye.

  "He is rather fond of you, Katherine. And as your father figure, I would have to agree to this match. If that is what you wish," he explained.

  "What about the Bishop?" I asked nervously. "Doesn't he have to come and ask me too?"

  I didn't like that idea at all.

  Jonah sighed and nodded.

  "He is only a messenger, Katherine. He cannot say you can or cannot marry. It is up to you and Nathan. And me," he replied, his tender smile returning.

  “I am just afraid of being denied eventually,” I murmured.

  Jonah slowed down as we crested the hill, looking back at the Fisher house.

  “You have found us for a reason, Katherine. This I know. You were lost, as was Nathan. Now you are found. Regardless of what may be said of our laws, we know faith and understand that we must follow His intentions. The elders know this. And they will see what I have seen.”

  I swallowed at his words.

  “What have you seen?”

  He raised his hand slowly, so as not to scare me.

  “I have seen an angel come and bring light to our world. You have brought hope and renewed faith into this family. If it is your path to stay and make this your home, it will be so,” he replied and looked back towards the Fisher farm again. “Your good deeds will not go unnoticed. You will make a good home. You have already begun. You and Nathan are a good fit.”

  I nodded and thought about what Jonah was suggesting. He was already hinting at marriage. I wondered if Nathan had spoken to him about that today while they worked, or if Jonah was preparing himself. Things were moving awfully fast.

  Did that scare me?

  Maybe just a little. But perhaps that was how they did it here. And the idea of marrying Nathan did make my heart speed up.

  "Just remember my daughter. There are some things that must be held true until the wedding day," he said, his pointed look not lost on my scarlet face.

  I nodded and inwardly cried out in relief when we made it to the house. The last thing I wanted was the sex talk from Jonah. I didn't want to bear witness to that. And I think perhaps Jonah understood that Nathan and I would respect one another.

  At least I hoped so, judging by his mischievious smirk towards Nathan all through dinner.

  That or there would be a lot more time spent with Patience and Nathan’s horse to drive the point home.

  Chapter 24

  "If we hurry, we can beat Emma and get a walk in," I whispered to Nathan as he helped me wipe down the table.

  I glanced back at Emma, who was drying the last dish and looking out the window for John, who had yet to arrive. She turned and pretended to scowl at me, knowing what I was up to. I grinned and rushed to rinse out my washrag, drying my hands on my apron as I pulled it off hurriedly. Fannie snickered beside the stove and nodded to Nathan while he played nervously with his hat by the door.

  "Go, Katherine. We will finish up until John arrives," she chuckled.

  I was outside in no time, Nathan trailing behind a little more slowly, blushing. He glanced back towards the kitchen before following me down the steps and into the yard. His smile flashed in the sunset, making me smile even more. I slowed down as we neared the barn, trying to pace ourselves.

  I was failing miserably.

  So was Nathan.

  As soon as the house fell from view, he was pulling me close and kissing me. His arms wrapped around me, his breath heaving hard in his chest when we collided with the wall of the barn. He leaned into me, his lips moving to my cheek, taking huge gulps of air as I clutched at him and let my lips edge to his jaw. The stubble there from the day burned my lips, but I didn't care. I could still taste him on his jaw.

  "A few minutes is not enough," he groaned, burying his nose into my hair by my ear.

  I sighed when I felt his hands wrap around my hips, pulling me closer. I kissed him again, searching him out. He opened his mouth to me willingly, moaning softly when he moved against me. When he finally pulled his lips from mine, we were both breathless. I could feel his heart beating through my chest, something that seemed to beat in perfect rhythm with my own. Looking up into his eyes, I saw nothing but joy in them.

  I did that.

  I let out a soft breath and traced the hairs along the nape of his neck, enjoying the moment. His soft breath, and then his quiet voice melted me further.

  "This is not wrong," he murmured.

  "What?" I asked, my brain cloudy.

  "What I feel for you. What we do. It is not wrong. God would not make what I feel with you sinful. It is renewed life I feel when you are with me," he whispered and kissed me softly.

&n
bsp; His hand moved up slowly, cupping my cheek lightly before slipping down my neck. His fingertips grazed my pulse point, pausing as his eyes travelled there to watch my throat pound. And then his eyes travelled lower, searching out the source of my pounding pulse. His fingers dipped lower, tracing along the neck of my dress as if in contemplation to move further. I swallowed and waited, breathing raggedly when his hand slipped lower, pressing firmly along my chest above my heart. I hummed softly; drawing his eyes up to gauge my reaction.

  "Is this all right?" he asked.

  "Yes," I whispered, watching as his eyes pulled down once more, his bottom lip slipping into his mouth as his hand slipped with staggering slowness across the fabric of my dress.

  The pressure of his hand lessened, until just his fingertips traced tentatively, my breath catching at the incredible thrill running through me when I felt the back of his fingertips brush along the underside of my breast. He adjusted against me, and my eyes fluttered closed at the sensory overload of Nathan against me.

  I should have felt trapped. I should have felt threatened with the way he had me pinned up against the barn door. But instead I felt a fire working its way through me. Across my neck as I felt his breath on me, in my stomach as his arousal hardened further at the gentlest nudge against it, at the tingling madness that was engulfing me at the feeling of his fingertips getting closer to where I ached in my breast.

  And he gently cupped my breast, capturing it in his large hand, squeezing with gentle pressure. This was like nothing I had ever felt before. This was not pawing, like Sean. This was worshiping. Exploring, loving. His thumb shifted delicately, purposefully avoiding my hardening nipple.

  "Is this all right?" he asked, his voice deep and gravelly in my ear.

  I could only nod.

  "So soft. You are so soft, except right here," he whispered and let the pad of his thumb brush with gentle pressure over my aching nipple.

  I cried out at the pleasure it elicited. He pulled away suddenly, his hands shifting to my shoulders to hold me up. I covered my mouth and looked around; sure I had alerted the Bergers to what we had been doing. I licked at my dry lips and fought to swallow a sudden urge to laugh from the nerves. We stood there looking back at the house for a moment before he turned back to me, chuckling. His eyes shone with awe as I caught my breath, not realizing I had lost it in the first place.

  His eyes crinkled up tight as he leaned in to brush his lips along my cheek.

  "I do not think they heard. Are you all right?" he asked, his eyes hopeful and smiling.

  I laughed softly and nodded, loving his joyful air.

  "You took me by surprise," I replied. “We’re getting our chores done first every night.”

  I couldn’t wait for him to do that to me again, and maybe a little more. He leaned back in to me and hugged me tight, holding onto me for a long moment before groaning and pulling away.

  "We should return. They will be missing us," he said, taking my hands in his and pulling my shaky body from the wall.

  "Are you happy, Nathan?" I asked, worried maybe that again, we had stepped into something too quickly. And unlike Sean, Nathan wasn't demanding satisfaction. Was he satisfied with only a brief touch? Had it been Sean I would have been made to feel guilty.

  He touched my cheek where it still felt flushed.

  "I am more happy now than I have ever been. I have been blessed with an angel to bring me back to life," he whispered and kissed me one more time before pulling us back around the front of the barn.

  Our hands separated when the house came into view, but I could still feel him on me, even from a few feet away. We were linked to one another, of that I was sure now. We shared something that could not be broken by distance. Emma and John sat on the swing, talking quietly when we slowly made our way up the steps. It was getting late, and I knew our night was coming to a close. Emma leaned in and pecked John on the cheek, his smile widening at her touch. I felt Nathan's fingers capture mine, turning me around to face him.

  "I will let you get some sleep, Kate. We can have tomorrow together," he murmured and squeezed my hand gently in his.

  "I enjoyed our walk tonight, Nathan. Sweet dreams," I replied, smiling.

  "Pleasant dreams, Kate," he said as he pulled away, back towards the night.

  I watched him go, Emma standing beside me as John walked off in the opposite direction. The moon gave us enough light to watch them until they disappeared behind the hills, the two of us letting out a sigh when they had gone. We turned to one another and burst into laughter, hugging each other tight as we turned and made our way upstairs to bed.

  Settled in for the night, Emma snuggled up under the blanket when she finally spoke.

  "John asked me again tonight," she whispered, her eyes glassy and her smile wide as she watched me process. I wanted to shake her. I looked at her expectantly, at her beaming smile.

  "You said yes, right?" I exclaimed, practically bouncing off the bed.

  She shushed me and giggled as she pulled me back under the covers, hoping not to wake Abigail.

  "Of course I did, Katherine! There is nothing I want more than to be with him. Now we just have to get Father's blessing," she said, beaming.

  "He'll say yes," I said confidently and hugged her tight. "I am so happy for you, Emma."

  I closed my eyes and felt my heart twist a little. I was so happy for her; she would be getting married, going off like Hannah and Mark to start their new life together. And I would be here. I had no expectations that Nathan would ask me to marry him after knowing him for less than a month, even if I couldn't see myself anywhere else. I would be here when Emma and Hannah were off starting a new family. At least there was still Abigail who would be sure to stick to me like any little sister might.

  Emma pulled away and touched me lightly on the cheek, her eyes taking me in.

  "Nathan cares for you. He will ask in time," she whispered.

  I snorted and pulled away, closing my eyes to her knowing gaze.

  "It's a little early for that," I replied and laid my head on the pillow, feigning exhaustion.

  "It will happen," she said. "I know it will."

  I felt her settle in beside me, holding my hand tight in the dark. I let my mind drift, thinking about that quiet house, and how much better it would be with more than just Nathan in it. The happiness I had seen in his eyes made me believe that perhaps he was thinking about a future. And that maybe, if everything went well, he wouldn't be alone for much longer.

  Chapter 25

  Time spent with Nathan sped past, always much faster than when he was not with me. Sunday was a whirl. We finished our morning chores early, and I spent most of the late morning helping Fannie prepare a roast for supper, as well as what she was calling my signature pies. Nathan remained with us throughout the day, sitting with Jonah to discuss the future of the farm when he wasn't sitting with me as I read from his mother's Bible. He liked to watch me read, and his expert knowledge was helpful when I had questions.

  Afternoon came and went, Emma and John spending much of their time in the yard. I was fine with that; Nathan and I found pleasure in just being next to one another, and Emma and John had so much time to catch up on. I watched them briefly, grinning when I noticed John touch her hand as if in askance. She smiled and took his hand, in the open for all to see. It made my heart flutter.

  "They are good for one another," Nathan whispered near my ear.

  I blushed and looked away from the couple, up into Nathan's contented gaze.

  "Yes they are. I like how sweet John is with her. He loves her," I said looking back out towards them.

  "How do they court in your world?" he asked, drawing my eyes back to his.

  I shrugged.

  "I don't really know, Nathan. We go out for dates, we talk, we fall in love. He asks her, she says yes, happily ever after.”

  He smiled and pulled my hand in his, leaning in closer than he usually did while we sat in view.

  "So it
is not much different from what we do. That is good to know," he whispered and snuck in a quick kiss before pulling away and going back to reading out loud.

  But he smiled more, and he read inspiring passages on love until late into the evening.

  Time flew too quickly. But I cherished every second I could make Nathan smile and look at me like I was his whole world.

  He was every bit mine.

  Every day with the Bergers was another day away from the horror of my old life. Every day with Nathan was another day of me learning that love could be tender and reciprocal. Nathan cared as much about me as I did about him. Every evening Nathan showed me a little more beauty that was his world. By his soft words, his gentle touch, and an openness to let me please him that I had never experienced before falling into this life. Never did he push, never did he insist.

  Never did he hurt me.

  He was gentle. He was willing to try, and he was willing to bend the rules just a bit, never too far. We explored one another slowly. With the little time we had, it was more important to talk than to feel, as much as both of us wanted a little more physically, we never ventured further than what we had already experienced. The barn was our refuge when Emma had not staked a claim, but we found ourselves simply enjoying one another in a kiss or light touch in quiet splendor for a few brief minutes before someone missed us.

  He wanted a slow pace. I wanted to see his smile.

  He wanted to learn everything about me.

  I wanted to learn everything about this new life.

  I grew more confident in myself with each new lesson learned. I stepped up to the challenge of trying to be what I needed to be in order to win the hearts of the Amish Elders.

  I smiled more at the how the simplicity of this life made me feel whole. And I stressed over having to end my old life. With every foot of Nathan's field harvested, I knew the time would come soon for us to leave and say goodbye to my family. And confront Sean.

  I was fine with saying goodbye. I was just scared of the reaction.

  I was scared of him fighting back. Jonah had volunteered to go, to serve as a witness and to help cushion the blow for my family. He wanted to represent the community. Nathan wanted to go because he worried for me. I think he worried I would not return. It killed me to see the insecurity in his eyes whenever we discussed my need to leave to deal with things. It unnerved me to think I needed to go in the first place. But I loved these people, and the threat of Sean coming in to ruin things wore on me.