Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  I shook my head and stood when I heard my name.

  “Doesn’t matter now,” I mumbled and choked back the tears as I walked with the nurse towards the back of the exam rooms. I settled in to wait, changing into their hospital gown. As I stripped, I took in the damage.

  I swallowed painfully and eyed myself in the mirror. The image there before me was frightening. The bruises and inflammation around my right eye was the worst on my face, where my eye could only now start to open. The eye itself was blood red. I touched at my jaw tenderly, wincing at the yellow lump there. I had a clear bruise around my neck, a wide band that seemed to wind entirely around. Splotches of purple and yellow dotted my body, where hands had pushed and grabbed.

  I closed the gown and turned from the mirror, sickened by what I saw.

  How would my father react to this? Would he believe me when he saw the damage?

  Had he seen the scratches on Sean?

  Could he make the connection?

  I balled my hands into fists and rocked on the exam table nervously waiting for the doctors and the police to come in. It seemed to take forever. Every second felt like another way for Sean to alert his friends to hurt Nathan. There was no way to get a hold of Nathan to warn him, and with each moment away from him I felt the peace I had known slipping from me.

  A knock at the door made me jump and a tall woman stepped in, carrying a case with her. Stacy and my father followed in after her, my father’s eyes bunching up when he saw more of my marks. Another woman stepped in, carrying a camera. Behind her, Deputy Stevens came in.

  She was new to the police department, a strong woman with an excellent criminal justice background. The city council had jumped on board to wholeheartedly welcome her to the force, which still irked Sean’s father. He had said he was only worried about having a woman on the force for her protection, but I knew Sean’s dad hated the thought of her because he felt she was simply weaker. I didn't think she was. I had seen her stare down angry drunk men. She was short and looked small next to many of the men in the department, but it was deceiving.

  She was tough.

  Which is why I knew she was the one I needed to tell. I had liked her immediately, because she was determined to make this town a better place to live. Her presence had helped a lot of women out. She didn't take domestic violence lightly. So many times I had wanted to go to her, but the fear of the police covering up for Sean always stopped me. And Sean's threats kept me quiet.

  I had a reason now. Sean would hurt others.

  I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I knew would come.

  "Kate?" Deputy Stevens asked, surprise showing in her widening ice blue eyes.

  Had my father not told her it was his daughter she was taking a statement from?

  "Hey," I murmured, trying to smile. But even that hurt.

  She turned back towards my father, her face hardened as she stared up at him.

  "I need to talk with her alone, Councilman Hill," she said quickly.

  My dad shook his head and made to argue, but she held up her hand, which silenced him. I had no idea he was that intimidated by her.

  "I'll fill you in, but she needs to be able to talk freely without her family here to judge. This needs to be an objective investigation without politics or preferential treatment," she said.

  “What does politics have to do with my daughter’s assailant?” he shot back at her, his face reddening.

  “If you push this, Councilman, you could have an investigation on you. I need this to be done by the book, and since you have affiliation with the department, I need you to step out,” she said, her body tensing when he made to move toward her.

  My father looked at me for another moment, then nodded and stepped towards the door.

  "I'll be right outside, Katie. It'll be okay," he murmured, retreating quickly.

  Stacy reached out and held my hand for a second before nodding to the deputy and stepping out as well.

  Deputy Stevens sighed and turned back to me, her eyes taking me in.

  "I was wondering when you would finally say something, Kate. I wish it had been before we came to this, but I'm proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to speak out," she said softly.

  I looked at her in shock.

  "You knew?" I whispered, feeling the tears burning my eyes.

  She nodded and sat down next to me, her gun belt creaking slightly as she sat. I understood her words to my dad now. She knew that he would protect his best friend’s son any way he could.

  "I suspected. I asked your dad once or twice when I saw the signs, but he denied it. Said you were just clumsy. I am sorry. I should have pursued further."

  I closed my eyes and let out another cleansing breath.

  "He wouldn't listen. He'd rather believe the lies than me," I whispered and opened my eyes back up to a much more determined Deputy Stevens.

  "This is going to be difficult. I just want you to know that, Kate. But I am here to help you. You don't need to be afraid anymore. It’s my job to make sure you are protected, not your father," she said quietly.

  I shook my head.

  "No, I need to do this. I know that now.”

  She pulled out her notepad and looked up at me with sympathetic eyes.

  "Let's get to it then. We'll need to collect whatever evidence we can, and we'll have to take pictures. I am going to have to ask you some painful questions, okay?"

  I nodded and held out my hands.

  "I scratched him. I don't know if that will help, it was a couple of days ago. He has welts and cuts on his arms," I said, biting on my lip to keep from crying.

  "Good girl," she whispered with an encouraging smile and moved aside as the nurse began the task of scraping under my nails.

  I could only hope it helped.

  "Can you tell me what happened?" Deputy Stevens asked gently.

  I nodded, and for the first time, told my story, feeling such relief knowing finally, someone would hear. And maybe someone would finally make it right.

  Chapter 28

  "Do you want to grab something at a restaurant?" my dad asked on our way home.

  I shook my head and remained quiet, looking at the last of the weak sunlight as it disappeared in the trees as we drove up the coast towards home. Stacy held me a little closer as I had retreated to the backseat with her after the exam.

  "Or maybe we can order in?" he suggested, glancing back at me worriedly every chance he could.

  "Whatever you want. I'm not that hungry," I replied numbly.

  "You have to eat, Katie. We can order Chinese. Maybe watch a movie?" he said and tried to smile. I finally looked up at him and watched his forced smile slip in the rearview mirror. He was looking at me with that uncomfortable grimace again.

  "You don't believe it, do you?" I whispered, looking him in the eye.

  He frowned and he returned his gaze to the highway. He hadn't spoken about what Deputy Stevens had told him since I had come out of the exam room two hours later. I had heard the heated discussion between them about arrest warrants and bad press going public. I heard her suggest he wasn't trying very hard to bring his little girl's assailant in fast enough. He had threatened her with a lame accusation of insubordination. She shot back something about a judge and going with news coverage. It was election season and my dad caved quickly, allowing Deputy Stevens to call in a warrant to pick up Sean for questioning.

  I knew my father would be defensive, and as he looked at me uncomfortably from the mirror repeatedly, he only confirmed it. How could he go against his best friend’s son? He was protecting Sean, over me. He doubted me.

  He shook his head and kept his eyes on the road.

  “I think it’s best to let the police deal with the evidence,” Stacy interjected, earning another put out look from our father.

  "It's not that I don't believe you, Katie. It's just hard for me to think that Sean would do that to you. He adores you," he argued.

  My confession to Deputy Steven
s had given me courage. She had offered me hope. She had promised to look into speaking with the West Grove police in an effort to protect Nathan and the Bergers. She was what my dad should have been, months ago. But he hadn't. He had practically encouraged Sean. Having known the Millers for years, he had wanted nothing less than the families to be that much closer.

  "I was a possession to him, Dad. I ran away for a reason. He didn’t have the right to take me like he did," I replied, my throat tightening at the idea that I had lost what I had found.

  I thought again about the Bergers and Nathan, and how they had to be worried sick.

  "I just thought he would be able to get you back. I couldn't go, I had campaigning here and if I left I would forfeit my chair in council. When he asked for help finding you, I thought I was helping. He wanted to find you. Bring you home," he stammered.

  "How did you help him?" I asked, aghast. Stacy held me a little tighter and whispered my name as if to warn me.

  He shrugged and let out a long exasperated sigh.

  "I sent him money, Katie. He needed money to stay out there looking for you. And I had his father call the Sheriff there in Iowa, trying to get information between two law agencies. You were completely off the grid, not even the sheriff could tell us where you might be. Who knew you would shack up with a bunch of Amish? The sheriff said you could be anywhere. But the Amish? You're joining crazy religious orders now? Seriously Katie, you do the most ridiculous things!" he said, looking at me like I was crazy.

  "You paid for him to hunt me down?" I whispered, dumbfounded.

  I didn’t believe Deputy Miller had even bothered to contact the Sheriff in West Grove, but the fact that my father had paid Sean cut deeply of his betrayal of keeping me safe.

  "A hefty portion of savings that should have gone to tuition for you and Stacy," he grunted as he pulled into the drive. “No chance of you going to that cooking school now.”

  "Then you are to blame for what happened to me as much as he is," I spat out and jumped out of the car before he even had it in park in the yard.

  "Katie! Wait! Katie! Come on! We'll eat and we'll talk," he called after me as I ran up the stairs to my room.

  I closed and locked the door and turned on the light, squinting at how bright it seemed. Digging into my foot chest, I found my candles I had for when the power went out. I lit them and turned out my light, slipping into bed and watched the shadows as they played across my bedroom walls.

  Even my room seemed foreign. Nothing here seemed to suit me anymore. The small television, the computer on the desk, the pile of CDs. I tucked deeper into my covers wanting to hide from it all. Nothing of my life here felt like home anymore. I was suddenly homesick for the creaky little bed and the warmth of my adopted sisters.

  Stacy knocked on my door half an hour later, after some muffled arguing downstairs. When I let her in, she took in the candles and quietly slid into the bed behind me, hugging me close to comfort me. She let me lay there quietly for sometime, working out all the thoughts jumbled in my head.

  About the Bergers. Fannie and the girls.

  What were they doing right now? Had they run to find Jonah and Nathan? Could they even begin to look for me? Would they? Or would they decide it was in God's hands, as I had come to learn was their way?

  Nathan.

  I let the tears fall quietly as I thought of him and what he must be feeling with me gone. Someone else, taken from him. He was alone again. I closed my eyes and lay there in the dark, seeing in my head the face I missed most. He had to be hurting. I could feel the deep ache in my heart, and knew it was not just mine.

  I had to get back somehow.

  Stacy stroked my hair and let out a soft sigh behind me.

  “I can’t stay here, Stacy,” I whispered in the growing darkness.

  She sat up and regarded me thoughtfully.

  “You can come back with me,” she suggested. “I have a couch to sleep on. With some time, we can get you into classes.”

  I shook my head and shifted in the bed, holding back a groan from the aches and pains.

  “I had a place, Stacy,” I start and closed my eyes, trying to figure out where to start.

  “With this Nathan,” she said, prompting me easily.

  “He is great, Stacy,” I started and couldn’t help the slow smile on my face. She chuckled and leaned up against the headboard, drawing my head into her lap.

  “So tell me all about him,” she said and listened as I launched into my journey.

  Broken down busses.

  A scared but intriguing young man with a magnetic pull to my heart.

  A simpler life.

  Happiness and love. Purpose and family.

  All the things I had wanted to find at the beginning of that trip.

  “And you can see yourself there?” she asked gently. “Even with the crazy religious beliefs and patriarchal structure?”

  My sister was always one to defy gender roles.

  “It’s not like that,” I argued, looking up into her eyes. “They have religion, yes. Their life lives by it. But it’s more. I can’t explain it. And Jonah and the men I have met are respectful of their wives. And Nathan is sweet and not overbearing. He’s more. It’s just…there’s more love there.”

  She laughed and shifted under me, slipping out of bed and shaking her head.

  “You haven’t had that many good role models, Kate. You were there for a few weeks; I don’t think you could experience everything about them in that time. I wouldn’t jump into the first bed you find that seems sweet and innocent. You’ll find yourself with twelve kids and no painkillers,” she said, her voice a little wistful.

  “I can’t stay here,” I said again softly.

  “I know,” she replied and leaned down to kiss me on the head. “Let’s give Deputy Stevens a couple of days to find and arrest Sean. Let you get healed up too. I leave the day after tomorrow. You can always come with me.”

  I nodded and blew out the candles after she left. My room darkened as the sun disappeared, and all I could think of was what I might have been doing at the Bergers. Dinner done, dishes washed, maybe out on the swing already.

  What was Nathan doing with me gone?

  I fell asleep with him in my head, the image of his back as he walked up his lonely hill following me in my dreams all night long. Tossing and turning, never finding myself comfortable in my old bed, I found myself awake before the dawn. I couldn't fight my internal clock. I had grown used to waking up early, and even with the time change and my battered body, I had to get up.

  Turning on the overly bright fluorescent light to the bathroom I washed up, feeling the strange vibration of my old toothbrush drill away at my head. I glanced in the mirror, grimacing at the bruises. The swelling around my eye had gone down considerably, but the evidence was still there, even if my dad refused to believe it.

  I looked at myself again, willing myself to be strong. I'd be here long enough to see Sean arrested. I hoped they didn't want me there for the trial. I frowned in the mirror at the thought of being here for months while we waited. Months of dealing with my dad's uncomfortable looks, months without Nathan.

  I couldn't do it.

  I needed resolution. I needed my dad to understand, and then let me go. Perhaps this was the means I needed to do as the Elders had asked. To finalize my goodbyes to the English world.

  Making my way down to the kitchen I sighed at the disarray I found there and set to work cleaning it up. I would have never worried as much before, but Fannie kept a clean kitchen, and my father's embarrassed me. I had the room cleaned from floor to ceiling; trash taken out to the can outside, and breakfast nearly done by the time my father came down at his usual six thirty. He stopped in the doorway, his mouth open wide when he saw what I had done.

  "Katie, this is cleaner than it's ever been. How long have you been up?" he asked, looking around to find I had even wiped down the cobwebs on the ceiling fan.

  "Before dawn," I mumbled and s
lipped his plate of food onto the table before he had even sat down.

  I poured myself some juice and brought his coffee to him before sliding in to sit across from him at the table. He eyed the meal in wonder and shook his head in amazement.

  "You made all this? What are these?" he asked and pointed to the corn cakes.

  I averted my eyes and concentrated on buttering my toast with the margarine.

  "They're corn cakes. I didn't have everything I needed, but maybe they're all right," I whispered, feeling my throat burn.

  "Mmm, they're not half bad. Could use some honey or jam, though. Kind of bland," he replied and dug in to the eggs.

  I watched quietly as he ate, barely touching my food as I thought about how Nathan had smiled and thanked me every time I had made him food. Never a complaint. Just grateful to be eating.

  I missed his smile.

  I missed the simple things.

  I had been gone for three days now.

  "So what do you want to do today? I thought I would take the day off," he said, just as Stacy shuffled into the kitchen.

  "Don't you have to go pressure Deputy Miller about finding his son?" I asked, a little harshly.

  He laid down his fork and watched me for a minute, as if what I had said was inappropriate. Stacy hung back by the coffee pot, ready to intervene. I was glad for her presence, and for her silence. When he saw I wouldn't back down, my father pulled away from the table and leaned back.

  "He has people looking for him. Bill promised to bring him in for questioning when he came home. That's all I can do, Katie," he replied stiffly.

  I remained quiet and distracted myself by looking around the kitchen, at the freshness there and thought of the rest of the house.

  "I want to clean today. This house is a mess," I replied and stood to clear away the dishes.

  He glanced around the room and let out a sigh.

  "You don't have to try so hard, Katie. We can take it easy today. Watch a movie or something. I'd say we could all go out but," he said and grimaced, watching me carefully.

  Of course I wouldn’t be acceptable for public appearances, looking the way I did.