Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  "Please forgive me," he whispered.

  I looked up into his tortured eyes as they took me in again, studying and wincing at the damage he saw there. I looked back down, away from the sweet eyes I had dreamed of. They had worried over me in my dreams as they did now. The pain in them was too much to bear in person.

  "Please don't. It's not your fault. Please, just don't look at me like that. I’ll heal," I said quietly and laid a hand over the worst part of my bruised face, ashamed at having him see me as I was.

  "I promised to keep you safe," he choked out and took my hand away gently. "What he did to you. I cannot forgive myself for what has happened. I should have been there with you."

  His fingertips stroked across my bruised jaw, up to where the swelling was almost gone by my temple. I felt his gaze on me, seeing all that had happened.

  "So much hurt and I could not stop it," he continued whisper soft.

  Whispering soft words into my ear to comfort me, I couldn’t handle much more.

  Too much.

  "You're here," I finally managed and leaned into him so he couldn’t see me cry.

  "I am here. You do not have to be afraid anymore, Kate," he whispered gently and wrapped his arms around me, drawing me in closer to his warmth.

  "I thought I'd never see you again," I cried into his shoulder and gripped him harder.

  He stroked my hair and held me up as I cried softly, my breath evening out as I felt his energy soothe me. He offered me the support I needed, holding me up when he must have been utterly exhausted. I could hear the fatigue in his voice when he spoke.

  "I was so afraid I would not find you. The journey here was a trial in patience. And not knowing if he had taken you here. I was afraid I would be on the wrong trail," he murmured and touched his nose to my hair, inhaling softly.

  "How did you know where to find me?" I asked, looking up into his worried gaze.

  "Emma gave me your bag. Your identification was in it. The sheriff station printed out a route for me to take to get here. And I had help," he confided, smiling.

  "Who helped you?" I asked, curious.

  Nathan arriving was a surprise enough, but having travelled in the English world, and having on English clothes told me he had to have had help.

  "Benjamin helped me," he replied. And in his eyes I could see a fondness in his old friend. I remembered Benjamin from the Gathering. The Bishop’s son.

  "Benjamin?"

  He nodded and looked down at our hands intertwined.

  "I accused him of telling your Englisher where you were. He had not known what had happened. He told me about how Jeff and Joanna had talked at length about my new girl and me. Benjamin knew that meant you. The English had been with Jeff one night when Benjamin was there. He was riddled with guilt, so he offered to drive me to the bus station and help me get to you. He was the one who told me that your English intended to take you home. I owe Benjamin much," he said quietly.

  I closed my eyes and inwardly prayed that Benjamin would be all right. That Jeff would not retaliate.

  "Even still. Fannie and Emma described how he took you," he choked out, closing his eyes once more.

  "Are they all right? Why didn't Jonah come?" I asked.

  Nathan shook his head and looked up at me with sorrowful eyes.

  "Emma wanted to come with me, she was frantic. Fannie and Abigail were inconsolable. Fannie could not speak when we first arrived. She was like I had never seen her. And Abigail would not stop crying. I think Jonah knew he would need to stay for them. He wanted to come, he is upset for not coming," he replied.

  I started to cry again, the pain I had caused my new family overwhelming me.

  "It will be all right, Kate. We will call them in the morning and let them know you are safe," he reassured me. I looked up in confusion.

  "How will we call them? You don't have phones."

  He shook his head and chuckled.

  "We do have phones, Kate. They are just out in the field where many can use. Jonah has had Emma wait by the one near our home since I left," he explained.

  "I'm sorry I caused so much trouble," I said quietly, the magnitude of how much I had changed their lives finally crashing down on me.

  "I prayed every moment that he would not hurt you. That he would not harm you in such a way as you would lose yourself," he stammered, clenching his eyes shut at the thought I know filtered in his head.

  I squeezed his hand.

  "He…He…tried," I stammered and stopped, afraid to go into it.

  I felt him tense, his hand tightening around mine until he pulled it away, perhaps afraid he’d hurt me. I could see the question in his tortured expression.

  "He stopped…He tried... right after…he wanted to prove I was his. I fought but,” I stammered, ashamed.

  I couldn't say much more, at that moment we heard a tremendous crash at the entryway. I jumped at the sound, clutching at Nathan's hand when I saw Dad's glare at the doorway.

  "You didn't tell me that part," he grated, taking a step into kitchen. In his hand were the remains of a glass he had been drinking from. "Deputy Stevens told me the rape kit was clean. Sean assured me… He tried to rape you?”

  I stood there dumbstruck.

  Sean had assured him? I couldn’t form the words, because discovering that my father might know where Sean was would be the worst betrayal of all.

  "Did he touch you like that?" he yelled, causing me to shrink towards Nathan. I could only nod; trembling at the rage I could see in his face. He threw the broken glass into the sink and stormed off down the hall. When he came back, he had on his jacket and ball cap, keys in his hand.

  "You are not to leave, you understand me? I will deal with this," he grated and slammed the door behind him as he left.

  We heard the car pull out, screeching tires as it sped down the road. I sat there breathing hard, confused by my father’s sudden shift in moods. For two days, he had made me think it was my fault. Now he was out the door and I assumed off to hunt down Sean.

  Had he known where he was all along?

  “What the hell is going on?” I heard Stacy exclaim from the hall.

  Stacy appeared in the doorway, looking back where our father had disappeared. When she noticed Nathan standing protectively beside me, she turned red and immediately stepped in to introduce herself.

  “Sorry,” she started, clearing her throat as she extended her hand to him. “I’m Katie’s sister, Stacy.”

  Nathan took her hand politely and offered her a timid smile.

  “I am pleased to meet you, Stacy,” he replied and held me a little closer. “I have heard many nice things about you.”

  Stacy quirked her eyebrow at me and grinned, the old flirt emerging.

  “Oh really?” she teased. “Well all of it was true, I’m sure.”

  I pulled away from Nathan to grab the dustpan, intent on cleaning up the broken glass in the hall before one of us stepped on it. Nathan ghosted behind me, bending over to pick up the bigger pieces while I swept up the small shards.

  "Your father is a very troubled man."

  I looked at Nathan, his face serious as he looked towards where my father had left, and I burst out laughing. His eyes widened in alarm and I couldn't help it, I laughed harder. It certainly wasn't funny, and the tears weren't happy tears. Maybe it was because someone finally saw it. Everyone thought my father was a star citizen and pillar of the community. Nathan's simple words drove it home. Finally someone understood. Or I was just finally losing it.

  Nathan pulled me to him and held me tight as I fought to bring the laughter under control. I clutched at him hard, gripping my dad's old shirt in my hands and tugging him closer, needing his warmth around me. His heat calmed me, and soon I was hiccupping in his shoulder, quiet at least for the moment. His hand smoothed my hair, his lips brushed across my temple as he whispered softly.

  "You will be all right, Kate. I will take care of you. We will go home. We will leave this behind. This is not
your world."

  "I’m so glad you’re here, that you came for me," I whispered, weeping.

  "I will come for you always, Kate," he murmured and pulled me away so that he could look down into my eyes. "You are my everything. I will not lose you again. We will go home.”

  His fingers traced over my cheek, his eyes more determined than I had ever seen.

  "I will protect you. I will not allow anyone to separate us again."

  I leaned in and touched my lips to his, barely there as I tried to temper the need to simply kiss him hard and hold him forever. Stacy was in the kitchen watching after all. She cleared her throat to remind us.

  “You must be hungry,” I whispered, happy for the timid smile on his lips. As long as I had known Nathan, I had wanted to feed him.

  “You do not need to tend to me,” he murmured, the amusement glittering in his eyes.

  Finally, a moment when I saw the man I had discovered beyond the heartache.

  “Yes, I do,” I replied and brought him over to the table, settling him in a chair while I turned to rummage through the cupboards for something fast to make. He watched as I moved around, but remained quiet as I prepared a quick bowl of soup and simple sandwich. Stacy sat at the table across from him, quiet as she regarded us together. She finally spoke when I turned from the stove.

  “So, Nathan,” she started, glancing at me cautiously before continuing. “Kate tells me she wants to go back. But it means that she would need to sever ties with us.”

  I grit my teeth at her directness and took a step towards them, halting when I noticed Nathan’s contemplative face.

  “The issue is not you, Stacy,” he said quietly. “In order for Kate to live amongst the Amish, she must give up her English ways. Our Elders are concerned with the violence and neglect from her father and the Englisher, Sean. I do not think it applies necessarily to you.”

  “Our father won’t agree to it,” she said, looking at me to confirm her statement.

  “It’s not his decision, Stacy,” I said, feeling defensive.

  “He won’t just let you leave to live in some community that doesn’t allow us to be a part of your life,” she said, and turned to Nathan again. “Surely you understand if someone told you that you couldn’t see your family ever again?”

  He looked down at his clasped hands and let out a sigh. I stepped forward to him and put my hand on his shoulder in the hopes to comfort him.

  “His family died last year, Stacy,” I said softly.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” she stammered and blushed. “She’s all I have. I don’t want to lose her.”

  He nodded and offered her a sad smile.

  “I would speak to the Elders on your behalf. I would agree you should not lose your only sister.”

  “Is that how it works? Your Elders tell you what to do?” Stacy asked.

  “They make our laws,” he said simply, straightening a little at her inquiries.

  “The Elders will decide whether I can join their community, Stacy. It’s their way,” I replied.

  “So there’s a chance you won’t be allowed to stay with him,” she said and I frowned at the thought. I had thought of that many times, but had chosen to work at proving myself.

  “I have faith she will succeed,” Nathan replied, the determination clear on his face.

  “And if she isn’t?” Stacy pressed.

  “Then we will see,” he said and squeezed my hand. “I have faith.”

  She nodded and made to stand.

  “Well, I appreciate you understanding that I want to keep in touch with my sister,” she said and looked at me meaningfully before excusing herself so we could be alone.

  I let out an irritated grunt and moved back to the stove to pour his soup into a bowl.

  “She’s not one to conform to old fashioned views,” I explained.

  “Not many understand our ways,” he replied. “She is concerned for your well being. I understand her fears.”

  “I’m old enough to make my own choices,” I grated.

  “It is always your choice. I would never force you to do something you did not wish,” he replied, looking up at me with those deep eyes I had missed.

  “I know. It’s why I feel safe with you.”

  He murmured his thanks when I set his meal before him, cocking his head to the side when he saw I hadn’t made anything for myself. I sat down beside him and pushed the plate towards him.

  “I’m not hungry,” I said, easing the concerned pout on his lips. He hesitated before nodding and reciting meal prayers quietly before digging in to the meal eagerly, his eyes closing for a moment at the first bite.

  I watched him as he ate, the events of the last few days taking a back seat at the sight of the man before me. This felt right, being with him, smiling at the contented expression on his face while he ate what I offered him. He complimented me again and again with each bite. Gone was the proud man I had first met who refused help. Now we got on so easily. I could see myself with him by his side so much more clearly with each moment he was there with me. He had taken a risk to come for me, against all odds. He had made my well being his priority, something I had encountered little of with anyone else.

  The choice was clear to me.

  I would go where he went.

  Nathan let out a relieved sigh and wiped at his lips when he had eaten everything I had given him, his tired eyes drooping from the effect of a full belly, and perhaps a long journey with no sleep.

  "We should get you to bed," I whispered, laughing when I saw his eyes widen and his ears burn.

  I laughed a little harder and pulled him up out of the chair.

  "I meant that you’ve had a long trip and you looked tired. What were you thinking?" I teased, enjoying the gentle tug of his lip as he shook his head.

  I held his hand and walked him out towards the living room, eyeing the couch.

  "Dad says you have to sleep on the couch," I stated, thinking.

  "Of course. I would certainly do as your father wishes," he replied quickly.

  He followed me to the linen closet in the hall where we kept the spare blankets and pillows. We set up his bed in silence, my thoughts wandering to what it would be like to have him with me every night. I shook my head at the thought.

  One thing at a time. We needed to get out of here first, and then deal with the rest.

  I leaned over and kissed him softly as he settled in, his eyes already growing heavy as he lay down in the comfort of his makeshift bed. I hated to leave him. Having him here with me once more, I never wanted to be away again, but there were rules, in his world and in mine. I made to stand, ready to leave when his hand came out and held mine, pulling me back towards him. His eyes caught mine, deep and thoughtful as he looked on me.

  "Will you stay here for a little while? I would like to feel you close. To know this is real. To know you are here. That this is not a dream and I am still on that bus," he murmured.

  As if he knew what I needed, I lay down and tucked in next to him, almost on top of him to keep from falling off the edge. He adjusted some to give me room, but his hand slid down to pull my leg over him, holding me there firmly as he let out a soft breath and closed his eyes.

  "In my world, parents would allow young couples to sleep together sometimes. It is not common and frowned upon in some communities. It is expected that the courting couple behave, knowing that the girl’s parents are in the next room. But maybe," he whispered and yawned, holding me a little closer.

  I smiled at this little bit of new Amish culture I was learning.

  "I don't think Emma or Abigail would like it much," I giggled, and hugged him closer.

  He laughed softly and brushed his lips against the top of my head, breathing in deeply.

  "I missed your touch. I missed your scent. I missed all of you. I will not let you go again," he sighed and let out a long breath.

  "Me too," I murmured and listened as his breathing slowed.

  He was o
ut almost immediately, exhaustion finally settling in. I lay there watching him sleep, his mouth curved in a contented smile, his eyes moving as he dreamt. I wondered what he dreamt about, if his dreams had been as dark as mine these last few days. His body twitched beneath me and I thought to slip away, but I didn't.

  I was selfish.

  Lying there with Nathan, with his warm body against me provided me the comfort I had needed these last few days. I knew things had changed between us. I could feel it. Things were more intense, like he and I both had come to realize that this last week had been the worst of our lives being apart. I saw it in how he looked at me, even with the pain. He needed me as much as I needed him.

  I needed him close.

  I could not spend another moment away. I lay there and watched him sleep, unable to bring myself to sleep as I waited for Dad to return. I fought my heavy eyelids, until fatigue won over. I dreamed of fertile fields, and a large house that was bright and sunny. And the man in my arms as he smiled and kissed me, showering me with all his love.

  One day soon.

  Chapter 30

  I shook myself awake at first light and slipped carefully from Nathan's embrace, his body turning away as he settled in without me in his slumber. I peeked outside to see if my father had returned and noticed his car was there. A moment of dread crept through me at the thought of my father finding me with Nathan in the living room, but he had not disturbed us. I wondered if he had simply gone straight to bed.

  Hearing a noise in the kitchen, I found him, seated at the dining table, his jacket still on and staring at the beer in his hand.

  He looked defeated.

  I felt Nathan behind me, silent but comforting as he waited behind me, his arm wrapped loosely around my waist. Dad looked up and saw us in the dawn's light in the doorway. He averted his eyes and stood, making his way to his office. We followed him where he slumped into his chair and closed his eyes.

  "Dad?" I asked needing to know what happened.

  "It's done," he replied, so quiet it was almost lost.

  I took a halting breath. What did that mean?

  "What’s done? What happened? Is he…dead?" I asked, having mixed feelings about the idea of him being dead.