Admit You Want Me

by Holloway, Taylor

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind,” he said, kissing my neck and drawing my back closer to his chest.

  “Ward?” A thought had just occurred to me, and I forced back the wave of sleep.

  “Hmm?”

  “Will you stay the night?” I didn’t want him to slip away without me knowing.

  “Do you want me to?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I want you to stay.” I was just too tired, and too satisfied to come up with any cutesy answer that wouldn’t make me sound desperate or clingy, or god forbid, like someone that wanted a relationship. I only had the energy to be honest.

  “Then I’ll stay,” Ward replied. I wondered if he was too tired for dishonesty too.

  He said that he wasn’t in the market for anything serious, and I’d learned the hard way to listen to guys that told me stuff like that. Adam had once told me that he was no good for me, and I hadn’t listened. He’d told me from the very start that our relationship was a bad idea, and that he just couldn’t resist me when he knew he should. If I had listened, I wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken, ripped apart, and then set on fire. If I had listened, I would have walked out the door on day one instead of bending over a desk and letting him turn me into his toy. I turned away from every warning I was given, and I paid the price in tears.

  At the same time, I knew that Ward wasn’t like Adam. He wasn’t using his power over me to manipulate me or control me in a way that was unhealthy or wrong. We were consenting adults doing adult things. Ward was just being honest about what he had to offer: sex and nothing more. Ward wasn’t prepared to be anything but a hookup to me. He’d been burned before and it was crazy of me to think that I could change his mind. But part of me couldn’t help but imagine a world where Ward was as into me as I was into him. It would take a much stronger woman than me not imagine it.

  In my fantasy world, Ward would realize that I wasn’t like that mean bitch Jessie who kicked him when he was down. He would realize that I wasn’t interested in his money, or his name, or even just his body. I was just interested in him, as a person. I thought he was great, and spending time with him made me absurdly happy. And then he would realize that he felt the same way about me. But that’s all it was, a fantasy. Because Ward didn’t seem to believe that anyone would want him just for him. Just like me, he’d been misused. And now he didn’t want to put his heart on the line. I had to be grownup enough to accept that.

  So, as I was drifting off to sleep, I made myself a promise. No matter what happened with Ward I wasn’t going to repeat my past mistakes. I wouldn’t try and make this something that it wasn’t. I wouldn’t be the crazy girl, the one that drove Ward even farther into himself. If I wasn’t strong enough to resist sleeping with Ward, I would at least be strong enough to resist falling in love with him. That would be the worst thing I could do, because I knew he couldn’t love me back.

  30

  Ward

  I woke up early, disoriented, and very, very cold. It’d been so long since I shared a bed for actually sleeping that my body was just as confused as my brain to find myself in an unfamiliar place. After an initial adrenaline spike before I remembered where I was, I felt silly. I was perfectly safe.

  Next to me, Emma was fast asleep. In sleep she had curled around herself like a kitten, making a tiny ball of naked limbs, and drawing the covers around her like a cocoon. I untangled just enough blanket to cover myself and she whined without waking up. I reminded myself to tease her for being such a covers hog later on.

  The sun wasn’t up yet, but once I wake up, usually there’s no going back to sleep. Years of early morning workouts had conditioned me to get up early whether I wanted to or not. I’d become a morning person by necessity. I couldn’t very well lift weights in Emma’s apartment though, and I wasn’t about to go for a run in her neighborhood. So, with a mighty yawn, I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. One quick shower later and I found myself face to face with a woman who was not Emma in the hallway. Lily.

  “Fuck!” she hissed, clearly not expecting me. She looked like she’d just gotten home and was still carrying her purse and dry-cleaning. Both slipped to the ground when she clutched at her heart. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” She kept saying it like it was a magic spell that could make me disappear.

  Nice to see you too.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled, clutching the towel around my waist a little bit tighter. I’d met my share of unenthusiastic roommates at womens’ homes over the years, so I deployed my patented diversion tactic. “Good morning Lily. I’m going to make some coffee before I leave. Do you want some?”

  She blinked at me suspiciously. “I don’t drink coffee, but I appreciate the offer.” Her voice wasn’t particularly grateful. If anything, her accent and attitude seemed to be telling me to fuck off and die, even if her words were polite. “I assume Emma’s still asleep?”

  I nodded. Lily was knocking me off my regular game. She was so hostile. I could practically feel the waves of dislike radiating off her tall, menacing figure.

  “Ok. Let’s just get this out of the way now,” Lily said. I wasn’t sure if she was talking to herself or me until she drew herself up to her full height and held out an arm to block my retreat back to the safety of Emma’s room. “You had better not hurt Emma.”

  I felt myself frowning. It was too early to argue with anyone. “I don’t want to hurt her. Did I do something to make you think that I did?”

  She shook her head. “No. You haven’t done anything… yet. But I’ve watched her last few attempts at dating make her sad. I’m tired of seeing my friend be sad because some idiot led her on.”

  “I’m not leading her on. And I’m not dating her.”

  “So, what, you’re just hooking up with her?”

  None of your business.

  I shrugged. This was beyond uncomfortable. Did I really have to explain myself to Lily? She certainly seemed to think so.

  Her next question was just as sharp. “Does she know you’re just using her for sex?”

  None of your business!

  “I’m not using her for anything, and I’m not a liar either. I don’t like where this is going.”

  “Me either. She’s not the hookup type.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I don’t want her to get hurt.” Lily’s skin was flushed almost as red as her hair.

  “I told you I’m not going to hurt her.”

  “Emma doesn’t do casual, friends with benefits stuff. It’s not like her.”

  I rolled my eyes at her. I wanted clothes, coffee, and for this conversation to end. Not necessarily in that order.

  “Ok Lily. I think you need to back off now. Emma’s a grown woman. She doesn’t need your help. And I certainly don’t need your approval.” My voice was no longer friendly and reasonable. I wasn’t going to be rude to Lily, but I was done playing along. She had no right to interrogate me. Emma and I could do whatever we wanted to do, and there was nothing she could do about it.

  She blinked at me in surprise. Paused for a moment. “Ok. Fine. You’re right.” I waited for the next snippy comment, but it didn’t arrive. I was surprised— no, stunned, that pointing out the obvious had worked.

  “Really?” I wasn’t sure I believed the sudden change in her mood.

  This has got to be some kind of trick to throw me off balance.

  “Sure. I was meddling. I know that’s not cool. She wouldn’t do that to me.” She shrugged.

  Was it possible that there was a reasonable woman beneath Lily’s grumpy, pushy attitude?

  “Can you let me through now?” I asked her, nodding toward her arm. She flattened herself against the hallway. Although her face still hinted that she might not trust me, she didn’t look like she wanted to murder me anymore, so that was an improvement.

  “Ward?” She said before I made it to Emma’s door.

  I turned. I knew it was too good to be true.

  Now what? Just write me an email or something. />
  “Please be careful, ok?” Without her anger, it was obvious that Lily’s motives really were on Emma’s side. “She’s sensitive.” Lily’s voice was soft, either because I was so close to the door, or because she was really worried about Emma.

  “Sure,” I replied, opening the door and escaping her as quickly as I could. I had no intention of doing Emma any harm. The fact that Lily thought I might be out to lead her on and break her heart made me frustrated. Emma said she understood what she was getting into with me. So why did I all of a sudden feel like I was lying to her?

  I didn’t ever make that coffee. Despite my best efforts to be quiet, Emma woke up while I was getting dressed.

  “Hi,” she said dreamily, startling me as I pulled on my shoes.

  “Good morning Emma.”

  She had amazingly poofy morning hair that stuck out at all angles. She looked well-loved. “You stayed. I thought for sure you’d be gone by the time I woke up.”

  I shrugged. That was my usual M.O., but she’d asked me to stay.

  “Is it ok that I’m still here?” I asked, wondering if I’d misread her.

  “Of course.” She grinned at me suggestively. “I wouldn’t just throw you out after shamelessly using you. I at least owe you breakfast!”

  I rolled my eyes. After my encounter with Lily, I had the distinct impression that perhaps Emma had been the one thrown out with no breakfast before. “You gotta’ stop stealing all my lines,” I told her, not wanting to dwell on the thought.

  A thump from the other room made Emma sit up in bed. “Is Lily already back?” She looked suddenly flushed and wide awake.

  “Yeah. We ran into one another in the hallway already.”

  “Oh…” Emma looked mortified. “I’m so sorry. I should have warned you. I hope it wasn’t awkward for you.”

  Given that I’d thought for a second that she was ashamed of me, I laughed. She’d been worried I’d be embarrassed? It would take a lot more than Lily to shame me for spending the night with a beautiful woman. “Don’t worry. It was fine. I don’t think she likes me much, but I’m a big boy.”

  “She can be abrasive. And she’s not a morning person.” The two women were very protective of one another. It was almost endearing except when I was stuck in the middle.

  “It was fine,” I repeated. “Really.”

  Emma smiled weakly. “Do you want to grab some breakfast with me at the taco place around the corner? I’d cook you something, but I don’t know that I want to chance it with Lily here.”

  “Sounds good to me.” I would never turn down a breakfast taco. “Do they have coffee?”

  She nodded. “I think they even roast their own beans.”

  “Fancy.”

  “Even this neighborhood is finally getting on board with how expensive everything is in Austin.” She grimaced. “Pretty soon I’m going to end up with two roommates.”

  The rapidly increasing cost of living and housing shortage had done nothing but benefit me, although people like Emma got the short end of the stick. “At least you get to have good coffee?” I offered. She rolled her eyes at me.

  Emma rolled out of bed with a dramatic sigh, stretched, and then hunted around in her closet for something to wear to work. “Is it going to be weird at the bar now?” she asked. “I’m not sure what to expect now, if I’m being honest. I told you I’m not usually the casual hookup type and it’s true. I don’t know the rules.”

  “The rules?” I frowned. “There aren’t rules, that’s the whole point.”

  She’d been holding two nearly identical blue t-shirts and deciding between the two, when she turned to stare at me. “But what about Kate and Willie? What about…” she trailed off, looking lost.

  “That one,” I said, pointing at the lighter blue shirt in her left hand. “And don’t worry,” I added. “Everything will work out.” My voice sounded confident. I was proud that I sounded so sure.

  She pulled the T-shirt I picked over her head and smiled at me, clearly not believing a word of what I was saying.

  “I hope you’re right,” she finally mumbled.

  So did I.

  31

  Ward

  My sister didn’t figure it out immediately, but within about twenty minutes or so, she knew. Kate always knows when something significant happens in my life. It’s like some kind of weird sixth sense with her. Like she’s reading my aura or some shit. Our mom is the same way. I never could get away with anything between the two of them.

  “There’s something up with you,” she told me, trapping me in the office when I went to grab my lucky bottle opener. She closed the door behind her and stared at me like she was looking for evidence— or guilt.

  “Oh yeah?” I tried for casual.

  “Oh yeah.” She wasn’t fooled. Her eyes narrowed. “Are you going to tell me, or do I have to figure it out? You’ve been really weird today.”

  This I had to hear. I’d only been there for fifteen minutes. Emma wouldn’t be arriving for another hour and a half. There was no way I’d already somehow done something to tip Kate off.

  She raised her right index finger to prove me wrong. “First, you aren’t early today. You’re always early.”

  “I am not. I was late last week. Twice actually.”

  “Ok. But if you aren’t late, you’re early. You arrived suspiciously on time.”

  “And?” She had to have more than that.

  “And you called in sick yesterday.”

  Oh, right. That was outside my norm.

  “I was feeling under the weather.”

  “You haven’t been sick since eighth grade.”

  I’d gotten mono in the eighth grade from Ashley Monroe, who got it for Cody Leander, who got it from Riley Ransom, and on and on. Our whole school was like a cautionary tale against making out under the bleachers. I’d been one of the lucky kids to get the bad version, laying me out flat for a full four weeks. It was the sickest I’d ever been in my life.

  “Maybe my mono is acting up again,” I told Kate, shrugging. “I feel just fine now.”

  She squinted at me. “You were shacked up with some girl, weren’t you?”

  Busted.

  My face must have betrayed me because she rolled her eyes. “Very responsible managerial behavior boss-man.”

  Oh, she had no idea.

  She poked up a third finger. “And third, you forgot your stupid lucky bottle opener.”

  I looked down at the brass, painted bottle opener, shaped like a topless mermaid, in my hand. It had been a gift from Willie when I bought the bar from him. He probably just got it at Target or something, but he said it was from his days in the Navy. It had served me well so far. I’d developed sort of a strange attachment to the thing.

  “It’s not like I lost it,” I told her. “I just left it here in the office. That’s not weird at all.”

  She shook her head. “Sure, it is. You’ve carried that thing around in your back pocket at least fifty hours a week for the past few years. It’s practically an extension of your body.”

  I shrugged.

  “You know,” Kate said, “that thing actually looks sort-of like Emma.”

  The mermaid did bear a somewhat loose resemblance to Emma. I cocked my head. Emma’s tits were better.

  Something must have showed on my face because Kate sucked in her breath in horror.

  “No!” she exclaimed. “You are not sleeping with Emma!” Was I really that transparent to her? She might as well just be reading my mind.

  Having been caught, there was not a lot of point in lying to her. If I did, Kate would ask Emma. And I sincerely doubted that Emma would lie to her, because they were friends. I nodded, looking resolutely at the floor of my office. I was not going to be made to feel ashamed of hooking up with Emma. Not again. I’d already dealt with Lily, so at least I had practice.

  “I don’t need to explain myself to you,” I told Kate. “I already got the fucking Spanish Inquisition from Emma’s scary roommat
e this morning.”

  Kate was still staring at me with her mouth hanging open, too shocked to speak, so I took a deep breath and rushed on.

  “Look, we’re both adults and it’s not—”

  She cut me off. Her face had turned an unpleasant shade of bright red. “Is this part of some brilliant plan of yours to get rid of her? Are you messing around with her so she’ll get pissed off and quit her job? That’s really low, even for you. Just because I hired her and you weren’t involved? Is she really that hard to work with? She’s my friend.” Kate wasn’t yelling nearly anywhere near as loudly as she could, but she was definitely yelling. The daytime crowd in the bar would be able to hear her if they walked past the door. I needed to deescalate the situation before it caused a scene.

  “Christ. No. I wouldn’t do that. This has nothing to do with Emma working at the bar, or you hiring her to work here, or anything to do with you. It’s completely unrelated to that.” My heart thumped in my chest. “I just like her. Is that so wrong?”

  Kate looked at me for signs that I was lying. “You’re telling me the truth,” she said after a second, as if she was surprised. “Huh.”

  “Gee thanks,” I told her. Picking up my junior prom date hadn’t been as nerve-wracking as this. Granted, I’d been lying then that I’d have her home by ten, and that she’d still be “pure” when she got there… but whatever. Her family was more than a little bit nuts. And I wasn’t the one who ended up deflowering her, and not that night. I forced my brain back to the present.

  “Am I excused now?” I asked my sister, trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation before she found some other reason to yell at me.

  Kate sighed. “I really wish you hadn’t slept with her.” She shook her head in apparent disappointment. “Emma’s been hurt enough. And she’s my friend.”

  “What, you can’t be friends with someone I hooked up with? It’s casual! It didn’t mean anything. We’re not going to make a scene or anything.”