Talk Nerdy to Me

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

  "Kyle." Manny placed his cookie to one side and picked up another one. "You haven't done fifty. You've only done twenty."

  "Really? It seems like more."

  "Actually, it's less," Myrtle said from her station over by one of the large ovens. "You ate one. So your count is only nineteen to Manny's thirty."

  "Manny's done thirty? No way."

  'Thirty." Manny's hands looked huge wielding the parchment cone filled with frosting, but despite that he delicately squirted two dabs of red frosting on his cookie. "This will be thirty-one. You, on the other hand, are not currently frosting diddly-squat, are you?"

  "I'm resting my fingers," Kyle said. "All that squeezing was giving me finger cramps. I might get carpel tunnel of the pinky doing this."

  Manny snorted and picked up a cone filled with yellow frosting.

  Eve had a tough time imagining two guys who were squabbling over how many cookies they'd each frosted taking a crowbar to her back door. But maybe that was the idea. The cookie-frosting caper was protective coloring. And she'd much rather think they did it than her sister.

  As she stepped closer to the island she saw the purpose of the two dabs of red on Manny's cookie. Nipples. The cookie portrayed the woman on her back and the man in a sideways scissors position, so you got him in profile, but she was sporting full frontal nudity.

  Eve felt warm breath on the back of her neck and glanced over her shoulder to find Charlie standing there, hands on hips, his gaze intent on the cookie Manny was decorating. Both couples were being given blond hair...everywhere that hair was appropriate. Charlie seemed to be fascinated by Manny's technique.

  "So what do you think?" she asked, just to get a reaction out of him.

  Charlie's color was high as he met her gaze. "Looks complicated. But doable."

  She was a bad girl to tease him, but she couldn't resist. "The decorating or the position?"

  He swallowed. "Uh ... both, I guess." Then he stepped back and turned toward his mother. "All righty, then! Let's see about that mixer."

  "I don't know how it happened." Rose led him away toward a far corner of the room. "One minute it was kneading the dough great, and the next it gave a groan of protest and quit working entirely."

  "Sort of like Kyle, over there," Manny said.

  "Boys, boys," Myrtle said. "Don't fight." Opening the oven door, she took out a giant tray and smacked it down so hard on the butcher-block island that the cookies jumped. "Here's another twenty-five, kiddos. Let 'em cool off a little before you start. Eve, you'll have to tie back your hair if you're going to help. Health department regulations."

  "Oh. Right." Eve didn't know much about the food business, but she'd noticed that employees didn't have loose hair flying around. "I didn't bring anything."

  "Here." Manny took off one glove, reached in his pocket and pulled out a red bandanna. "It's clean."

  "Thanks." She couldn't imagine that a guy who would break down her door would turn around and offer her a bandanna for her hair, but who knew how criminals thought? She tied her hah back with Manny's bandanna.

  "If you're all set in here," Myrtle said, "I'm going out for a breath of fresh air." Pulling off her oven mitts, she headed out through the curtained doorway.

  "She's going for a smoke," Kyle muttered.

  "Which she can have if she wants," Manny said in a low voice. He pursed his lips as he finished up his cookie. Then he drew back and admired it. "Not bad. Not bad at all."

  "Smoking is bad for her," Kyle said.

  Manny took another cookie. "You aren't some judge and jury, you know. The poor lady's had a hard life, losing her husband early. I think she showed pluck, starting up this bakery. She can have the occasional cigarette without going to hell."

  "It's not hell I'm thinking of," Kyle said. "It's the hospital, which is worse. Cigarettes will land you in the hospital sooner or later. Everybody knows that." Then he looked at Eve. "Am I right?"

  "Probably, although some people get away with it." Eve glanced over to where Rose and Charlie were engrossed in the mixer repair. Charlie was making enough noise taking it apart that she doubted either he or his mother could hear this discussion.

  "I say Myrtle shouldn't take those odds." Kyle looked worried. "I tried talking to her about it, real quiet so Rose wouldn't hear, because Rose acts like she doesn't know. But Myrtle's in total denial about the risks."

  "Kyle, you can't make her give up smoking if she doesn't want to," Manny said. "But you could help her by frosting a few more cookies."

  "Okay." Kyle sighed. Then he glanced hopefully at Eve. "Ready to glove up and take a turn? This would be easier without the gloves, but we're not allowed on account of the sanitary issues. If you're not used to working with gloves, I can show you a few tricks."

  "I'd appreciate that." Eve reached for the box of plastic gloves and pulled out a pair. As she put them on she wondered if Kyle had handed her a clue. Anybody who knew his way around plastic gloves might be used to them because he always made sure not to leave fingerprints whenever he took a crowbar to somebody's back door.

  But as Kyle demonstrated how to manipulate the parchment cones filled with frosting and the various attachments, Eve felt less and less inclined to think of him as a crook. Crooks could be charming, she reminded herself. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels had become a Broadway bit based on that very premise. She shouldn't eliminate Manny and Kyle because they seemed like decent guys.

  As a cookie froster, Eve turned out to be passable, better than Kyle but not nearly as accomplished as Manny. She did discover that staring at the sex act while squeezing frosting from a parchment cone made her think about getting back to her house ASAP. She didn't mind helping the cause, but she hoped Charlie would finish the repair in the next hour or so.

  Logically she should be exhausted. It was nearly one in the morning, after a long day and an eventful night. But she was keyed up and eager to finish out the hours of darkness with a guy who did nice things for a pair of black leather chaps. Instead she was dabbing nipples on a sugar cookie while Charlie had his head buried in a dough mixer.

  "You're doing a great job," Rose said as she walked past carrying a large bag of raisins.

  "Thanks," Eve said. "Manny's the cookie maestro, though. He's finished another five while I'm still on my second one."

  "Every little bit helps." Rose paused and switched the bag of raisins to her hip, as if she were carrying a toddler. "We promised two hundred cookies for that bachelorette party Friday night."

  "Two hundred?" Eve stopped working and glanced up. Her next order of business was squeezing pubic hair onto her cookie lady, and she couldn't do a good job and talk at the same time. "How many people will be at this party?"

  "Most of the women in town, including me and Myrtle." Rose looked wistful. "In Middlesex the whole community gets behind a wedding." Then she brightened. "You could come to the bachelorette party, too!"

  "Oh, I don't think so." Eve wanted to save her evenings for the hovercraft. "I'd feel funny going without an invitation."

  "I could get you an invitation. I'll bet Jill didn't think you'd be interested, considering you're so busy with modeling and all. But you might as well go. Charlie will be at the bachelor party for her fiancé' David. They're holding it at the Rack and Balls."

  Eve was sure Charlie had spaced that particular social obligation. And Rose's invitation had put her smack-dab in the middle of a dilemma. She didn't want to be thought of as stuck-up. The whole point in moving to this small town was to be part of the life here and lose that big-city glamour role. "My sister's coming to visit tomorrow," she said. "I couldn't very well abandon her."

  "Bring her!" Rose beamed at Eve. "The more the merrier. Is she a model, too?"

  "She's an economics professor," Eve said. "She knows everything about Wall Street."

  "Oh, yeah?" Manny stopped decorating and looked up. "I dabble in stocks, myself. Think she'd give me some tips?"

  Eve thought about what could happen if someone tur
ned Denise on to her favorite subject. "You have to know how to frame your questions. If you're not careful, she'll give you a complete analysis of the New York Stock Exchange and throw in an evaluation of Nasdaq for free."

  "I wouldn't mind. When's she coming to town?"

  Eve glanced at her watch. "In approximately nine hours." When she considered how little housecleaning she would get done between now and then, her tummy fluttered with anxiety. But if it came down to cleaning house or spending time in bed with Charlie and his chaps, she had no trouble making the decision.

  Manny grimaced. "With luck we'll be finished with these cookies by then."

  "Oh, goodness." Rose patted him on the shoulder. "You can stop now. You can all stop now. I'm feeling guilty. Myrtle and I shouldn't be keeping you young people from your fun and games."

  Eve felt the heat climbing up her neck. Rose hadn't looked directly at her when she'd made that comment, but she knew what Rose must be thinking. It was true, except there would be no happily-ever-after part, and that was the part that Rose was probably counting on.

  Eve decided to set the record straight and give the printable reason why Charlie was spending time with her. Charlie's mother wasn't likely to cause her problems if she knew about the hovercraft. "Charlie and I are collaborating on a project of mine," she said. "We're trying to keep it under wraps until I can test it. After that we'll try to market it, but for now, it's in the experimental stage, so we only tell the people we can trust."

  "You can certainly trust me," Rose said.

  "Me, too." Myrtle came in through the back curtain. "I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm great at keeping secrets. Isn't that right, Rose?"

  "You're pretty good at it, Myrtle."

  "I'm more than pretty good. I never told a single person that you had that tummy tuck, now did I?"

  "You just did!" Rose blushed as she glanced around the room. "I assure you it was minor. Extremely minor."

  "It wasn't, but that's neither here nor there," Myrtle said. "We're talking about Eve's secret." She glanced over at Manny and Kyle. "What about these two boys? Can they hear about this?"

  "They already know," Eve said.

  "And did they swear on a Bible that they wouldn't tell?" Myrtle gave both men the evil eye.

  "I don't expect anyone to swear on anything." Although now that Myrtle had brought it up, some kind of agreement might have been a good idea. It wouldn't mean much if Manny and Kyle were the crowbar crew, though.

  "I think we should all swear an oath of silence," Myrtle said. "That's how it is with secrets. You're supposed to take them seriously and swear not to tell, but the problem is, we don't have a Bible. All we have is . . . wait, I've got it! We'll say that the sack of raisins is really a Bible and swear on that."

  Rose groaned. "Myrtle, for pity's sake. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were mixing up old-fashioneds in the bathroom. We are not swearing on a sack of raisins. That's silly and it might even be sacrilegious."

  "Is not." Myrtle stock her chin in the air. "I'm a very devout person. Mostly. Don't think of it as a sack of raisins. Think of each raisin as a nugget of wisdom from the Scriptures. Don't look at me like that, Rose Alice. It's a perfectly good idea."

  "It's not, either, Myrtle Marie! We can't just say presto-chango, this bag of raisins is a Bible."

  "Why not?" Myrtle put her hands on her skinny hips. "Jesus turned water into wine. Lots of things represent other things in the Bible. It's called being allegorical. So plop that bag of raisins up here and we'll all put our hands on it and swear."

  Rose sighed and sent a glance of apology around to the group. "I can see you're determined on this point, Myrtle. So we might as well, because you won't rest until we do."

  "We're doing what with raisins?" Charlie walked over to the island, a wrench in one hand. "I'm finished, by the way. The mixer works."

  "Thank you, Charlie." Rose smiled at him. "And the raisins are your aunt Myrtle's brainstorm. She thinks we should all swear not to reveal the secret of Eve's project."

  "On a bag of raisins?" Charlie looked confused. "What am I missing?"

  "You're not missing anything," his mother said. "It's your aunt Myrtle who's missing a few slices from her loaf."

  "Hey!" Myrtle swatted at her sister. "I'm trying to make sure Eve's secret doesn't get spread all around town. Do you have something against that?"

  "Not a thing." Rose positioned the sack of raisins on the butcher block and placed her hand on it. "I solemnly swear not to reveal Eve's secret to anyone outside this room."

  "Mom." Charlie sounded concerned. "You're swearing on a sack of raisins."

  "Just go with it," Rose said. "Myrtle wants us to think it's a Bible, and once she gets like this, it's pointless to argue with her."

  "This is a very good idea," Myrtle said. "You'll see. It's the symbolic nature of this that is important." She started to put her hand on the bag and then she snatched it back. "Hold it. Is anybody else in on it? What about Rick?"

  "He knows," Eve said. "And so does my next-door neighbor, Eunice Piven."

  "The alien abduction lady," Myrtle said. "She's a good Pastry Parlor customer, so I'm willing to trust her. And Rick's not a blabbermouth. I didn't raise him to be a gossip."

  "I just thought of two other people who might have heard something." Charlie glanced at Eve. "When we were talking about this at the Rack and Balls Monday night, do you remember the guys who came in?"

  "Yes. I didn't know who they were, though."

  "Darrell and Ed," Charlie said. "They own the Christmas tree farm outside of town."

  "And they're both fruits," Myrtle said.

  "Myrtle!" Rose glared at her sister. "I've told you a million times not to say it like that. The word is gay."

  Eve met Charlie's gaze and could guess he was picturing her damaged back door, a door that could easily have been pried open by two guys who worked outdoors all day at their Christmas tree farm. "They might have heard something about the project, but it's hard to believe that they would—"

  "I don't know," he said quietly. "Anything's possible."

  "Darrell and Ed stay mostly to themselves," Myrtle said. "I don't think they would talk. Still, it's too bad we don't have everyone here to swear an oath of silence."

  "You'd need a bigger bag of raisins, Aunt Myrtle," Charlie said solemnly. Then he winked at Eve.

  Myrtle glared at him. "Are you making fun of my raisins, Charles Edward Shepherd?"

  "Nope." Charlie laid his hand on the bag. "I solemnly swear not to reveal Eve's secret to anyone outside this room."

  Eve melted. She was a sucker for a guy who went along with whatever craziness his relatives foisted on him. "Should I swear, too?"

  "Why not?" Myrtle said. "We don't want you going around blabbing about this."

  "I won't, except that I just thought of the other person who knows. My sister Denise."

  "The economics professor," Manny said.

  "Right. But she's not a problem." Eve hoped that was true. She would have a much better idea after Denise arrived. Picking a spot right next to Charlie's hand, she laid her hand on the bag of raisins. Her pinkie touched his thumb. "I solemnly swear that I won't reveal my secret to anyone who doesn't already know about it."

  "See, that's a better thing to swear," Myrtle said. "Maybe we should start over."

  "No!" said Manny and Kyle together, slapping their hands on the bag. They each recited the pledge in turn.

  "Then I'm the last." Myrtle laid her hand on top of everyone else's. "I solemnly swear, on this bag of common raisins, which has been transformed through the miracle of human inspiration into the embodiment of the Holy Word of God, that I will never reveal, on pain of death, or whatever punishment is deemed most fitting for the—"

  "Myrtle!" Rose bumped her hip against Myrtle's. "Cut the dramatic monologue and take the pledge."

  "I swear I won't tell." Myrtle lifted her hand. "There. It's done. Okay, Eve. Spill your guts."

 
While Eve described her hovercraft to Rose and Myrtle, she tried to gauge Manny and Kyle's reaction to see if talking about the hovercraft made either of them squirm or fidget. Guilty people tended to do that.

  Manny and Kyle sat quietly, giving nothing away. Either they weren't guilty of breaking and entering, or they were experts at hiding their guilt. Their expressions were impossible to read one way or the other.

  Too bad. She'd still like to pin the theft of her notes on them. They were strangers in town, so if they were the culprits, her idealized picture of Middlesex wouldn't be smashed to smithereens.

  In any case, she was getting a kick out of talking about her project. She tried to keep her explanation as free of technical jargon as possible, and references to Michael J. Fox and the hover boards in Back to the Future Part II seemed to help Rose grasp the concept. Myrtle, however, never looked the least bewildered.

  When Eve finished, Myrtle bounced with excitement. "I've read up on this! Biofuel is the wave of the future!"

  "I hope it is," Eve said. "Maybe my hovercraft will help pioneer that. It will be a toy at first, but once people see that they can power a vehicle with something other than fossil fuel, they might want to expand the concept."

  "What about powering it with used cooking oil?" Myrtle said.

  Eve was startled. She hadn't met too many people who were versed in this subject. "It would work, too. I haven't considered that for my project because I don't cook with oil, myself, and I..." Then it dawned on her that she was standing in a bakery. Used cooking oil would flow from this place like water. She looked at Charlie.

  "I thought of it," he said. "But I wasn't sure if you wanted to get other people involved."

  "Other people?" His mother sounded insulted. "We're not 'other people.' Didn't we just take an oath of silence on a bag of raisins?"

  "Sorry." Charlie looked sheepish. "I figured Eve had already thought of that angle and discarded it."

  "I didn't think of it," Eve said. "Sometimes you miss the most obvious things." Maybe she didn't use cooking oil, but other people did. She should have considered it, but she'd allowed her single-track mind to take over on this one.