A History of the African-American People (Proposed) by Strom Thurmond

by Percival Everett

  —I am not “relaying” anything. I am sure you didn’t intend to insult me by referring to me as a trampoline, but things do not bounce off me. However, as we are both men of the world, perhaps we could each be more particular as to the language we are employing. I am an independent agent and a human being with ideas of my own and feelings. Perhaps you have a Mother you love, Mr. Snell? My own mother had her faults and she wasn’t always there for me—don’t you hate that phrase!—but she was always Mother.

  —I think you should remember always that the Senator is in excellent health (and so am I). There is no need to rush, to “move things along more expeditiously.” Senator Thurmond has no intention of dying before writing his History, if that’s what you’re afraid of, and I’m sure it is. Say what you mean, man!

  —And give me the courtesy of believing me when I say what I mean and mean it. No, a meeting is not advisable, nor the use of the telephone. I said that before, and I can only wonder that you missed that point. Perhaps you are not the sharpest tack holding down the carpet there? You sign yourself “Editor.” I assume that means THE editor, the boss?

  Now to your questions. You raise an excellent point as to what sort of “History” the Senator will be providing. Perhaps we could leave that to him to determine as he will? That way neither of us will be disappointed, I expect. In any event, I have no idea at all what he will do. Don’t get me wrong, now: when I say I have no idea it’s not because I am not close to the Senator. I am as close to him as anyone has ever been. He is a private sort of man, for all his public flair. He likes to write by inspiration, as it comes to him. And it always does. Pinning him to a plan would be like stapling an eagle to a memo pad.

  That should clear everything up. You send a contract by return mail and then we’ll move.

  Sincerely,

  Barton Wilkes

  Bart Wilkes

  OFFICE OF SENATOR STROM THURMOND

  217 RUSSELL SENATE BUILDING

  WASHINGTON, D.C. 20515

  July 12, 2002

  Juniper:

  What goes on there? Is this Snell person all he should be?

  I expect you have seen the correspondence, right? If not, here it is, the latest bit. Mad, don’t you think?

  What a world you must live in! It’s down the rabbit-hole every morning for you, little Alice, right?

  Well, keep your pinafore clutched close, is my advice.

  Blanton (ha ha)

  p.s. Perhaps it’s too much to ask for your opinion on this: should I seek out another house (as you publishers, I believe, refer to it), given Snell’s unsettled state?

  p.p.s. And the “R” stands for? Should I guess?

  Memo: Snell to McCloud

  July 14, 2002

  McCloud:

  See what you can find out about this Wilkes guy. I think he’s a fucking psycho.

  This may all turn out OK, but I can tell you that right now I am not over-pleased that you came to me with this project. It’s taking up a lot of my time—and we are still on square one. I am not going to get ahead at this place if I ride projects like this one and blister nothing but my own ass! Don’t forget that there is a paradox here: I am the smartest fuck here and also the youngest. I expect you are already toting up dates and saying, “Well soul-kiss your sister, he isn’t the youngest at all.” But you know what I mean, Juney. Don’t be an idiotic literalist. I am the newest and most vulnerable. Don’t take advantage of that vulnerability, please. Others have, but I thought you were different.

  And if I’m fired, I’m taking you and that cute ass with me.

  Cats?

  Martin

  July 14, 2002

  From: J. McCloud, assistant to M. Snell

  To: Self

  Holy Shit!

  SIMON & SCHUSTER, INC.

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

  July 14, 2002

  Barton:

  Look at this, will you? I shouldn’t be sending you private memos; but Jesus Christ. Here I am just out of NYU, an English major lucky to get a job, or so I thought, and I end up with this idiot. I don’t mean to thrust this on you, but you’re the only one I know who’d believe Snell was Snell.

  He may be a lot worse than an idiot, I guess. One minute he’s leering at me, the next sneering, the next looking at me as if he doesn’t know who I am. I suppose he’s insecure, being a new person here himself, but insecurity isn’t something he has a monopoly on.

  I suppose you have a pretty cushy job there with old Strom? He must sleep 20 hours a day, right? Like an old tomcat. I gather he was just that in his day, fucking women in the office, on their way to the electric chair, in the toilets at beauty queen contests. Anyhow, I think you must have it pretty nice there.

  As for this project on African-American history. What is it, a joke? It is so fucking moronic, it has to be—unless the old imbecile really thinks this is just the book for him. Or are you writing it? You figuring he’ll never know and you can slip anything you want by the old numskull? What a great idea. It’ll make you!

  Well, I’m back to business—in this case, investigating you. The loonies are running the asylum!

  Juney

  OFFICE OF SENATOR STROM THURMOND

  217 RUSSELL SENATE BUILDING

  WASHINGTON, D.C. 20515

  July 17, 2002

  Mr. McCloud:

  I do not know what could have induced you to make the assumptions you have made, the ones guiding your last letter.

  You must be insane. Certainly you are indecent.

  I wish you well, but I must insist that you never, ever address me or one of mine in any manner whatsoever. It’s a pity, but it must be so.

  Love,

  Bark

  p.s. You seen “South Pacific”? Lovely when done properly, though nowadays it’s usually profaned in dinner theaters in places like Columbus, Ohio. There’s a song in it, entitled, “This Nearly Was Mine,” sung by Emile when he realizes love is not for him so he may as well give his life to the cause, spotting Japanese planes, since that’s what lies to hand. Except that I have no Japanese planes to spot, I could be Emile. Nuff said?

  p.p.s. Renauld? Raet? Rudy?

  Memo: Snell to McCloud

  July 17, 2002

  McCloud:

  At the editors’ meeting today, I had an inspiration.

  It just hit me, as Sullivan was droning on about that travel series of his, that what this firm needs, and fast, is something hot. The Thurmond book came to mind as something that would be hot and that would mark me as hot.

  So hold yourself at ready.

  Here we go, butterfly.

  Snell

  Cats?

  SIMON & SCHUSTER, INC.

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

  May 14, 2002

  Mr. Barton Wilkes, Esq.

  Advisor, The Hon. Strom Thurmond

  Dear Bart,

  Let me say that I appreciate very much the friendly gesture: using your first name in the signature puts us on an easy and confidential basis. Do call me “Mart.” I am not sure what you mean by Mothers, but I know mine was a fine one, still is. You suggest yours gave you trouble. I am sorry for that, but I realize some mothers can be downright unreasonable. Mine was too, come to think of it. Just because she loved sports, for instance, she insisted I did too. It’s not that I was bad at sports or anything like that, but I didn’t enjoy being pushed. Some people don’t and I am one of them. Anyhow, I’m glad to see we connect on the subject of Mothers.

  I also am pleased that you are so forthright in letting me know where I have inadvertently given offense through my carelessness. Good for you! If more people were as open as you, there’d be far fewer misunderstandings. I consider it manly of you.

  In that spirit, let me then ask directly in exactly what position you stand vis a vis this project and vis a vis the Senator? I recognize that you are not merely a “relay,” certainly not. Perhap
s then you could provide for me a clearer description or term. Sending me scurrying for a metaphor to account for your relation to this project would be like sending a barnyard goose out for groceries. Are you, for instance, in regular communication with Senator Thurmond on his plans? Is he privy to our correspondence? Does he intend to start on the book right away? Does he have a projected completion date? (Please understand here that these are standard questions. We would ask them of a perfectly fit 15-year-old in just this form. We are not suggesting that they bear special relevance to the Senator or his age or health. We are very pleased that his health is fine and share your certainty that death is a very long way off. Let’s hope it is for you and me as well, and for all those we hold near and dear.)

  As for allowing the Senator to determine what sort of “History” he will write, of course we would not think of interfering with the creative process. However, we would be interested in learning more as the Senator’s thinking on this matures. At some point, we would imagine, he will be making some decisions: is this a set of reminiscences? A scholarly history? A social analysis? A political argument? You see what we mean.

  We enclose a standard contract that answers to the Senator’s desire for equal justice, we hope. That is, this contract is the one we use in all cases that are not special; it is our standard mechanism in publishing.

  With warmest personal wishes.

  Your friend,

  Mart

  SIMON & SCHUSTER, PUBLISHERS

  PUBLISHING AGREEMENT

  Recitals

  This publishing Agreement (“the Agreement”) is entered into as of May 30, 2001 (“the Effective date”) by and between Simon & Schuster, Publishers, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 and Strom Thurmond, an individual, Russell Senate Office Building, Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C., concerning a work presently titled A History of the African American People and not described as yet to be either a factual accounting, social commentary or fictional reenactment of some era, portion of time or reflection of attitudes about or concerning people of African descent on the continent of North America.

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