Lost Filthy Night_A Small Town Rockstar Romance

by Vivian Lux

  “Crown Tavern, of course. Is there any other decent bar in this town?”

  “You mean…” Now it was my turn to drop my voice. “The place where we met.”

  She made a little “oh” sound. “Shit, Gabe, I guess I figured that—”

  “No, I know, baby. I know.” Inside I was practically vibrating with the idea of it. To sit at the table with them while they drank was a huge risk to my sobriety.

  It was exactly the kind of risk I needed right now. One I knew I could take and win. “If it’s okay with you, I’d still love to come out. Someone’s got to take care of you two naughty girls.”

  She laughed. “Please. A wallflower and a girl who recently escaped a cult? Naughty is not the word I’d use.” Then her voice took on a distinctly naughty tone. “You know I want to see you,” she purred. “But it’s not fair to make Rachel be a third wheel.”

  “I’ll bring someone for her,” I interjected.

  “Who?”

  “I’ve got way too many brothers. You pick.”

  “Hmm. She already met Beau the day you guys helped us move, so she might be more comfortable with him versus Finn, who’s a bit—”

  “Of a prickly asshole,” I finished. “You got it. I’ll meet you there.”

  I hung up the phone, feeling that buzzy excitement again. Maybe it wasn’t jumping out of an airplane, but it was a risk all the same. A tiny one. One I could totally handle, especially with Everly there.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Everly

  Something wasn’t right.

  It started the night he and Beau met Rachel and me at the Crown Tavern. The four of us had had a lot of fun, and Beau and Rachel hit it off, their shared quiet intensity shutting Gabe and I out enough that we felt free to kiss and flirt all night. He handled being around alcohol beautifully; making sure to keep an eye on our drinks when we went to the bathroom and giving all four of us a safe ride home.

  But then he wanted to do it again.

  And again.

  I was trying very, very hard to be okay with it.

  But then there was the other day, when he jumped off the second step of the porch. He’d landed with his fist in the air, but my heart was in my throat. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I shouted before I could stop myself. “Are you insane?”

  He’d looked it. That was the thing. His eyes were lit with this unnatural light, and as we left for our date he’d driven way too fast along the winding road next to the creek. I’d tried like hell not to yell at him again, but when my hands started shaking, I’d exploded at him, demanding to know why he was putting us both at risk. “An adrenaline junkie is just another kind of junkie!” I’d shouted.

  He’d dropped me off early that night and set a new record for time going by before he called me again. “I shouldn’t have put you at risk like that,” he’d said softly. But even as I accepted his apology, I noticed he’d said nothing about risking himself.

  Now I was looking at my phone and wondering how I felt about the voicemail I’d just gotten from Rachel. “Hey Ever, I wanted to let you know that Beau and I were going out tonight. And, uh, the weird thing…is that Gabe is coming with us? Yeah, I know, but he says he’ll just hang out and be our designated driver, which is really nice and all, but I sort of feel weird about it. So if you’re around, swing by the tavern and hang out with us so he’s got someone with him, okay? We’re getting there around nine.”

  I let my hand drop. “What the fuck are you doing, Gabe?” I muttered aloud.

  “How are you doing, Beverly?” the head nurse on the floor where I was doing my rotation called. “Everything okay?”

  I shook my head to clear it. “Just fine!” I called, scurrying past her before I turned back and smiled sweetly. “It’s Everly, by the way. I know. My sister’s name is Abriella. My parents are allergic to consonants.”

  She burst out laughing, which made me feel better about correcting her, but it didn’t do anything about the pit in my stomach that Gabe’s odd behavior had opened up.

  Without meaning to, I flashed back to the night he’d told me about his addictions. “It wasn’t my fault,” he’d claimed.

  I knew enough about recovery to know that taking responsibility was a huge part of it. If he didn’t feel responsible for using in the first place, then nothing was stopping him from falling victim to it again.

  I shuddered and shoved that thought out of my mind. If he was using again, I’d know.

  Then again, my workload had been insane these past couple weeks. We’d only been able to snatch a few nights out together, and one of them we spent fighting over his risk-taking.

  I liked to think I’d know, but could I be certain?

  That thought haunted me as I hurried through my rounds. I needed to know for certain that Gabe wasn’t using again. If he was, I needed to get him help. If he wasn’t, then I needed to find out what else was going on. My anxious mind raced through scenarios that made my hands shake so bad I nearly dropped a bedpan. If I didn’t do something to head off these nerves, I was going to have an attack. I could feel it.

  That clinched it. My rotation ended at nine. If I raced home, I’d have enough time to change and put on one of Rachel’s fancy tops. Then I could head over to the Crown and figure out what the hell was going on with the man I loved.

  I rolled up to the tavern feeling full of hope. Whatever was going on, I knew we were strong enough to get through it. Our connection was stronger than this. It was strong enough to withstand anything. I knew that.

  That’s why I wasn’t suspicious when I walked in and spotted him by the bar, leaning in to the blonde girl sitting next to him. Sure, her hair was the most perfect shade of sunny blonde I had ever seen, and her turned-up nose made my huge schnoz look like an elephant’s trunk, but I wasn’t scared about her at all until I walked up to them without them noticing me.

  Until I heard him say her name.

  Noelle.

  He was talking—closely, intimately—to Noelle. The girl he’d once loved enough to propose to. The beautiful pop star who’d snared his heart so thoroughly, their breakup had also broken up his band.

  And he had no idea I was even in the room.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Gabe

  Why was I at the bar? Beau and Rachel didn’t want me there. I missed Everly. And sitting in a bar surrounded by drunk people while nursing a Coke was getting really old.

  I shouldn’t have come. I needed to leave. I was in the middle of standing up to tell that to Beau when it happened.

  I saw a fucking ghost.

  She floated in with her head held high, but I knew her and I could see the panic underneath her polished facade. She gave the whole place a practiced sweep of her eyes.

  Like she was used to casing the joint.

  Like she’d been at this for a while.

  I stood stock still and stared. Had someone spiked my drink? Beau’s dangerous rumble broke into my thoughts. “Oh, what the fuck…”

  “So she is here,” I muttered to him under my breath. “I’m not imagining this?”

  “She’s here,” my brother said in a voice I’d never heard from him before. “And I think she sees you.”

  She did. It was momentarily gratifying to see that she looked just as shocked to find me as I was to be found.

  “Gabe,” she called.

  I cleared my throat. “Noelle.”

  It made no sense that she was here. My mind insisted this wasn’t happening even as she leaped into my arms, throwing herself around my neck. I’m not a complete asshole. I caught her so she wouldn’t go slamming to the ground. But I immediately put her back down and stepped back. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I hissed.

  I’d watched her new video and been proud of how I’d felt nothing. But watching her didn’t compare at all to the tornado of emotions that came from seeing her.

  And remembering.

  She spoke in that little pouty, breathless vo
ice she’d always use to cajole me. “I heard you were hurt.”

  “I’m better now.” I folded my arms across my chest.

  This bothered her. “I see that,” she said softly. “I wanted to come earlier.”

  I snorted. “It’s okay, Noelle. You don’t have to lie.”

  She pressed her lips together. “Then I should have come earlier.” It sounded like she was trying to apologize.

  This was a surprise. I had never known Noelle to admit fault. Ever. And that made me wary. “Okay.”

  “Gabe?”

  Fuck. “Noelle, I really don’t know why you’re here, but…”

  “I’m here because I’ve missed you,” she interrupted smoothly.

  Beau swore under his breath. I shook my head at her. “No,” I said firmly. “This isn’t happening. You need to get the fuck out of my bar. My town. Get the fuck out of my whole state, Noelle. I’m serious.”

  The tears and hysterics I braced for never came. She looked the same, but something about her had fundamentally changed. A layer of artifice had been stripped away. There was strength and wariness in those blue eyes that hadn’t been there before, and something wounded cowered under her skin.

  She turned her palms up in a gesture of surrender. “I need to tell you something.”

  “I don’t want to hear excuses and I don’t want you to tell me you can explain.” My blood was heating up. “There’s no way you could explain how you said you loved me and then turned around and had Bennett’s cock in your mouth.”

  She winced and glanced over at Beau, who stared at her implacably. Rachel had her hand over her mouth. Noelle reddened. “Gabe, can we go somewhere and talk in private?”

  I took three big steps to the left and leaned against the bar. “This works for me,” I said. “Go ahead. Talk.”

  Keeping her head held high, she turned and looked at my brother. “It’s good to see you again, Beau. I’ve missed you guys.”

  Beau stayed silent, but the set of his jaw didn’t change He had my back and if I called on him, he’d be there for me in whatever way I needed.

  In a way, I was impressed with Noelle’s guts right now. She’d come to my home turf. She had to know she’d be outnumbered. She was here anyway.

  “Okay,” she said, sitting down on a barstool. “Thank you for letting me talk.” Then she turned and looked me full in the eye. “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you you didn’t see what you saw.”

  This wasn’t what I was expecting. I was ready for a fight. I itched to make her feel half as shitty as I’d felt the day she betrayed me. Her clear-eyed admission made a lump form in my throat. “Okay,” I said, consciously unclenching my fist.

  Noelle watched my hand. She took a deep breath and looked straight ahead. Not meeting my eyes seemed to make the words come a little easier. “You saw what you saw. I was doing what you saw me doing. But I didn’t want it.”

  For the second time this minute I felt like she’d punched me in the gut. “What?” My eyelid twitched. “He was forcing you?” I didn’t love her anymore, but I would kill him for this without hesitating.

  She darted a frightened look at me. “No, not like that. It wasn’t…” She swallowed. “Rape?” The word came out like a question. “Not exactly.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Clearly, I don’t either.” Her laugh was nothing like the high, breathless sound she used to make when we were together. Was I hearing her real laugh now? Was this clear-eyed, frank-talking woman the real Noelle St. Lucia?

  Who was it that I had been in love with? Was she a dream I’d made up in my head? This bitter woman laughing ruefully as she blew out a resigned sigh was nothing like the carefree girl who’d made me feel like I was drunk. “It started out as a ‘I scratch your back you scratch mine’ sort of deal,” she said, darting another glance at me. “Literally. He liked it when I scratched his back.”

  “Fucking gross.”

  “I know.” She heaved a sigh. “But I told myself it was fine. A little weird, but what was it compared with what he could do for me?” She shook her head and shot a grateful glance to the bartender for setting a wineglass in front of her. She gulped it like a frat boy doing a funnel and went on. “He was this paunchy, middle-aged loser, you know? He was always telling me how beautiful I was, how I was this goddess who was gracing him with my presence.” She laughed, a bitter, acid sound. “He let me think that I was the one who was using him.”

  As if fortified by the wine, she looked at me full on. “You remember how he set us up?”

  I nodded tightly, not trusting my voice to say anything aloud.

  She drained her glass. “Before I met you, he coached me. Told me all the wonderful things you could do for my career. Being with you was the shot in the arm I needed, for visibility,” she confessed.

  “Fuck,” I hissed. Jonah had always accused her of that very thing. Using me. Lost in love, I’d refused to believe him.

  Her hand brushed my arm. “No, Gabe,” she said, as if she could read my thoughts. “It wasn’t like that. I did love you. Oh my god, I loved you so much. But the more in love I fell, the more jealous Bennett got. He held it over me, threatening my career, all the work I’d done, the contacts he’d made for me, the deals he’d cut. He’d pull them all if I didn’t keep him happy. So I had to…keep him happy.” She glanced at her wine glass again, but it was empty. “First it was the back scratching, then it was…kisses. Then…” She looked disgusted. “I showed him my breasts once after a particularly nasty blowout. And the first time I…I…” She took a shuddering breath. “The first time I gave him oral was when we got back from the island.” She shook her head. “He was jealous, I think. Mad that I got away from him. He told me that my album had stalled.” The bartender brought her another glass of wine and she clutched it gratefully. “You remember how hard I was pushing you for the duet?”

  “Yes,” I said. Regret turned somersaults in my belly. I was torn between disgust at her and disgust at myself for being so far up my own ass that I didn’t see how she’d been wrenched around like this.

  “It was the only thing I could think of to get free of him. I thought that if I was on your album, I’d make my name. And…and I thought maybe if we were able to spend more time together, stuck in a studio and everything, you’d be able to keep me safe from him.”

  “Fucking hell, Noelle.” The world slanted sideways, and I gripped the bar tightly to keep from sliding with it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  She threw up her hands in helpless surrender. “What was I going to say? That I’d been cheating on you since the moment we met? I thought I could control it when it started. Bennett—you know how he was, acting like he was your friend, wanting to fit in. He’d get these puppy-dog eyes when he thought we were ignoring him. He was always saying he should get more credit for getting us together, asking for hugs. Telling me how nice he was being. He made me feel like it was always my choice. Saying we had to work together, look out for each other. The more attention I gave him, the harder he worked for me. The first time he kissed me he tried to play it off for laughs, like it was an accident. I felt like maybe I’d misinterpreted, and you didn’t say or do anything so I thought I’d imagined it. I used my body. It was part of what I did. I got the results I wanted, right? The first time he put my hand on his dick, I wanted to go to you right then and there. But he reminded me that I was in a bind. I was touring with you. If I told, I’d lose my allowance. And I’d already put my career on hold for you.”

  “I never asked you to.” Guilt made me sound sullen.

  “You wanted me there, Gabe. You always said how I was the only thing that made you feel alive during the touring. The only thing that made sense. What else was I supposed to think other than you needed me?”

  I knew I would sound like a prick but I said it anyway. “You needed me more.”

  “Of course I did.” She admitted it readily. “I was using you and I’ll never forgive myself for not loving y
ou the way I should have. I know that now. But I have always loved you.”

  I tried to look back and see her loving me. “All I remember is ‘Gabe get me on the record, Gabe buy this for me, Gabe talk to Bennett for me.’ Seems like you could have done some talking to Bennett yourself.”

  “I felt like I started out as a lion tamer, but the lion turned around and ate me alive. I didn’t want to have sex with him.”

  “Did he force you?”

  “I never said no. But I never said yes, either. I thought I had to. To have a career. To stay close to you. I thought I was doing something that would get me something in return, and all I got was losing you.”

  Tears streamed down her face. I had loved her. I’d wake up next to her and think she was the prettiest thing in the world. I’d loved her like a drowning man loves a life preserver, but I couldn’t remember a single thing I loved about her other than how she made me feel.

  I loved Everly for who she was, not what she did for me. I loved her fierce scowls and her amazing strength. I loved how fucking smart she was and how she forced me to be smart, too. I loved how she never complained, how she took everything in stride. I loved what a fucking wildcat she was in bed, and I wanted to be with her right now.

  I stood up. Painfully and slowly, but I stood up. “Noelle.”

  She shook her head, trying to head me off before I could say anything more. “I want you to know that I’m free of him.” She turned to me. “He trapped us both, in a way. You got free of the pills he hooked you on.” She grabbed my hand before I could snatch it away. “I heard you went to rehab. I followed the news about you and I’m so proud of you. You’re free of him and now so am I.”

  I was numb. Shell-shocked. “You are?” I asked dully.

  She sipped her wine, her composure returning. “I don’t care anymore,” she declared. “I released the song without his backing. The money is mine and I’m using it to sue to get out of all my contracts.” She took a deep breath. “And that’s why I came back.”