The Soul's Agent

by Wendy Knight

  "Well, he's a free man." I was surprised at the flat indifference in my voice. Like I really didn't care at all. Like the pain wasn't searing through my chest and starting all my internal organs on fire.

  I had a meeting with Death tonight. I should ask him if he'd somehow managed to bring hell to Earth.

  Konstanz moved between us like her physical presence could somehow protect me from his words. "You know, Navi probably doesn't need to know that right now."

  "Right. Sorry. What was I thinking? I'm awful at being a comforter."

  "You're doing fine, Bryson."

  "Have you eaten yet?" he asked Konstanz, since I was still staring out the window like a lost dog.

  "No. We're in mourning. We don't eat."

  "My grandma always said food soothes the soul. Konstanz, can you help me in the kitchen? We're going to make this all better."

  Konstanz hid a smirk and nodded, following him out of the living room.

  "Then maybe we can all take a nice walk on the beach or something," he continued, rummaging through our pans.

  I stiffened. I already had to go to the beach tonight. I didn't enjoy the beach. "How about not," I practically snarled.

  He looked at me, startled. "Okay. Sorry. I'm just trying to help."

  Konstanz patted him on the shoulder. "She doesn't like the beach," she said quietly.

  "Okaaay…" he studied me with those ice blue eyes for several seconds. "How about the Astoria Column? I've never been there and I hear it's fantastic."

  I gaped at him, like, literally. I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging open in a very attractive fashion. He wanted me to go out and pretend nothing was wrong and the world was still turning? I could think of no response for several seconds, and then finally, "You've never been to the Astoria Column? How is that possible? Everyone has been to the Astoria Column."

  He shrugged. "I work a lot. Everyone I hang out with has already seen it. Going alone never sounded very fun."

  I had seen the Astoria Column, and I still loved to visit it again and again. "Well that's just sad." I didn't want to go out. I wanted to stay inside and cry and wail and… and Alec was probably out having the time of his life with a whole bunch of girls. "Okay, Bryson. Let's go see the Column."

  His face lit up like a little kid. "Really?"

  I nodded, hoping the smile reached my eyes. He seriously looked overjoyed at the prospect. What kind of friends did he have that they wouldn't take him to see the Column when he wanted to before?

  "You guys wanna come?" Bryson asked.

  Reese and Terrie both shook their heads. Sightseeing wasn't really their thing.

  "Sure," Konstanz said. "I like the Column."

  When Bryson said he could cook, he wasn't lying. It didn't soothe my soul, but my stomach was quite pleased with life. "Ready to go?" I asked as I tugged on my shoes. I hadn't even looked in a mirror yet. I probably should run a comb through my hair or a toothbrush over my teeth.

  But it didn't matter. It didn't matter what I looked like. Not anymore.

  Wait. I mentally gritted my teeth and dug around my soul for a backbone. Not right now. It would matter again. Just not right now.

  So then I probably should at least get out of my stained sweats. "You know, I'm gonna run change really quick. I'll be right back."

  This could be fun. It would be nice to get out and take my mind off Alec. Go somewhere I wouldn't be able to watch for him, hoping he'd pull into my carport again. I took my phone out of my pocket and set it on the dresser with a little more force than was necessary. At least now I wouldn't be waiting for him to text me.

  The Astoria Column was built to honor Astoria's part in the nation's history. Inside, murals from Astoria's past lined the walls along the winding staircase to the top. Lewis and Clark, the first Astorians, the arrival of the railroad, and several others. We wandered up the staircase as Konstanz told him the meanings behind each painting. He totally could have read them for himself but he seemed happier to let her tell him.

  "My favorite part, though," I said as we reached the top and went out onto the observation deck, "is the view."

  The view, indeed. We could see forever. The column was sitting atop a 600 foot hill. Add to that the 125 feet we'd just walked up, and we could pretty much see everything there was to see. In fact, I was pretty sure I could see Alec's apartment building from here.

  "Wow." He leaned on the railing and stared out over the city. "This is gorgeous."

  I nodded, trying to keep my eyes away from the apartment building that held my heart. Two days. Two days and I was dying inside. This was beyond ridiculous.

  It will get better. It will get better. I'd made it through this before. I'd lost Alec before, and I had survived. It had hurt more than this the last time, and I had made it. I also remembered that it got easier as time passed. It would get easier again. Maybe this time, I would be able to forget him completely.

  What happened between Alec and I was stupid. It should never have been so intense. If we'd just taken it slow, become friends…

  Everything would have still ended up the same, only it would hurt worse. Because I was still an Agent, and he would eventually think I was cheating. We'd been together for three years before, and it hadn't stopped him from thinking the worst then.

  "Navi, no offense, but I don't get it. It was two days. Why are you both so upset? I mean this in the most innocent way possible. I've had years-long relationships that I've been less upset about."

  I sucked in a breath. How, exactly, does one respond to that? "Bryson… I…" I ran a hand through my hair. "I have this thing with Alec. You might as well know." I turned away, unable to face him, or the pity in his eyes. "I can't get over him. I've been trying for four years and I just can't. He haunts me." I fell silent and kept my eyes firmly staring out over the city.

  "It's true. She couldn't." Konstanz sighed, leaning against the railing. "But this time will be different. Me and Bryson, we got your back. Alec won't even be a memory soon."

  Bryson nodded, sliding an arm over both our shoulders. "Yep. We got this."

  We walked along the edge of the river. Bryson and Konstanz kept up a string of conversation, and I ate my ice cream and stared at the setting sun, feeling my blood wake and hum with the rising moon. Death would be waiting for me. I had to report in and arrange to meet with potential new recruits. Hopefully, he had a lot of them for me. I had this overwhelming fear that something bad was coming. I needed an army ready to meet it.

  "You're gonna get over him, you know." Bryson totally misread my silence as brooding over Alec, when in fact it was the first time that I hadn't been thinking of him. Well, not counting the times I was fighting for my life against demons set on eating our city.

  As if conjured by that thought, Elizabeth appeared in front of me, sliding backward through the air, not walking, not moving her feet at all. It was seriously creepy, despite her beautiful face. I bit my lip and peeked at Bryson, but he had fallen back into conversation with Konstanz about our Astoria's early history.

  Even still, I couldn't exactly ask her what was up.

  Luckily, she knew this. "Death waits, Navi." Her eyes, always so full of sadness, went to Bryson and Konstanz and then back to me.

  "Guys, this has been a good day. Really, it has, and I appreciate it so much. But I have to go to work now. The moon…"

  Holy crap.

  I was too tired. Too distracted. Had I really been about to tell him the moon was rising and I had to go to work? Bryson frowned, glancing at the sky and the setting sun. I wracked my brain trying to come up with anything, anything at all. "The full moon makes people crazy. I have to go in tonight. I have a meeting." I was rambling. Get it together, Navi. His frown deepened, utter confusion on his face. "I have to go in early so I can make sure all my parolees are okay before my meeting." Voila. I'd somehow managed to make up an excuse that made sense.

  "Right, I remember you saying you had a meeting tonight. I'll take you home."


  "Thank you." I turned around and started walking toward his car—a little sports thing that barely fit all three of us and would be worthless in a big rain storm.

  He didn't follow, pointing out something to Konstanz.

  I looked at Elizabeth, panicked, but she only shrugged. It looked completely out of place in her colonial dress, but there it was. She wasn't going to help me at all.

  "How about you let me make you breakfast tomorrow?" I heard him say, and then he raised his voice so I was included. "Both of you."

  "Oh. I have school in the morning. I have to be there at seven."

  He planted his feet and crossed his arms. I started to fidget. Death did not like to wait. Not one bit. "You have school at seven when you work all night long?"

  I nodded. It was true.

  "Okay then. Lunch. Let me make you lunch."

  I was getting desperate. "I have class until two. We can do lunch then."

  He grinned, a big triumphant smile that lit up his ice blue eyes so they didn't look so cold. "Two it is. Konstanz? Does that work for you?"

  She nodded. "I can take a late lunch."

  "Perfect. Two o'clock. My place."

  "Oh. No, Bryson. That's not a good idea." Go back to Alec's apartment? Was he insane? I couldn't see Alec again. I didn't know if I'd throw myself at his feet or claw his eyes out. It changed hourly.

  "Alec works until six or seven. He won't be there, I promise."

  Elizabeth smirked, tapping her foot. I got the idea that this simultaneously entertained her and annoyed her all at once. "Okay. Okay, Bryson. I'll be there at two. But please don't let Alec be home."

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Alec

  I should have known the second Bryson walked in that something was up. He was whistling. Whistling, for hell's sake. Who whistles? But I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I'd thrown my phone in the hamper so my mom or Josh or anyone else couldn't call me and raise my stupid hopes that it was Navi. Now I was watching violent movies and relishing every time someone died a horrible death.

  Yeah. I was evil.

  I don't care.

  "Have you been here all day?" he asked, dropping his keys on the coffee table and settling himself in the armchair. Awesome. Apparently he thought we were going to be spending quality time together.

  "Nope."

  He leaned his elbows on his knees and studied me, an annoying grin on his face, like a Cheshire cat just waiting for me to ask him what he'd gotten into. I didn't want to. After several seconds of ignoring him, he said, "What'd you do?"

  I stared harder at the TV. "It's a Tuesday, Bryson. I went to work."

  He sat back, arms behind his head. "You went to work, really? How do you get anything done with that?" He motioned with his foot toward the huge cast on my right hand.

  I'd been put on light duty, which meant talking to people and running errands. It sucked. But I wasn't going to tell him that. "I managed."

  Several more seconds of that obnoxious grin. "Seriously, Bryson, what do you want?" I finally paused the movie and turned on him. Anything to get him to go away.

  "Nothing. Just wondering how you are. Oh," He got up and went to the kitchen, making some weird herbal tea that made our whole house smell like a tanning salon. "I saw Navi today."

  I felt like I'd been hit with a wrecking ball. My entire body tensed, the blood freezing in my veins. At the mention of her name.

  I was a mess.

  "How was she?" I asked, feigning disinterest while I hung on his every word. I didn't know what I hoped he would say. That she was as miserable as me? But there was a better man inside me that hoped she was okay. That she wasn't hurting. That she would talk to me and we could work this out.

  "She's okay. Hasn't broken anything yet, so I guess she's better than you…" His voice trailed off, chuckling.

  I take it back. I didn't want her to be happy. The better man inside died right then and all I wanted was for her to be as miserable as I was.

  "We went to see the Column. It was beautiful."

  "You've been there before." My tone was distinctly accusing, although I wasn't entirely sure why. "I went with you when you first moved here, remember?"

  "That was a year ago, Alec." He leaned against the counter and frowned at me like I was an annoying child. "I can't remember that far back and besides, she took the time to explain each mural. You didn't." He gave me a lopsided smile.

  I paced toward him, enjoying that he was only 5'10" and I was 6'2.

  He raised his hands. "Chill out, Alec. Konstanz was there, too. It was completely platonic. Then we were going to go to the beach, but… "

  The one thing saving me in the lifetime of nightmares I'd had of Navi dying in front of me was that she was on a beach, and Navi did not go near the ocean. Not for anything. Especially not for Bryson. "Navi hates the beach."

  "Yeah. I was going to say that. So we got ice cream and then I took them home. See? Nothing to worry about, Alec. I'm just… you have Josh and your alcohol. You don't need me, but maybe she does."

  No, I didn't need him. But why would she? She had a houseful of girls to help her cope. I grabbed my keys off the table and stormed out. This time, when I drove my truck to her house, I wasn't going to leave until I talked to her.

  "What are you doing here?" Konstanz eyed me like I'd just crawled out of the sewer, the door opened only wide enough that she could peek out and snarl at me.

  "I need to talk to Navi, K."

  "Don't 'K' me, Alec. We're done being friends."

  Ah, so Navi had told them everything. "Okay. Sorry. Konstanz, I need to talk to her. Please."

  She must have heard the desperation in my voice, despite my best efforts to hide it. She sighed and opened the door wider. "You don't get to talk to her, Alec. Not again. Not ever."

  "Konstanz, I just need to hear her—" voice "—explanation. I didn't give her a chance. It was wrong."

  "You called her a whore."

  "I didn't mean to. I was hurt. Please, Konstanz. Just let me talk to her."

  "Why, Alec? You wouldn't give her a chance to explain before. Why do you think you deserve her time now?" She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me, her normally friendly eyes shooting daggers laced with poison and followed by big, teethy fish.

  "I don't. But I need it. I need to talk to her." My voice cracked. Holy hell, could I get any more pathetic?

  "Alec, if you felt for her even half what she feels for you, you wouldn't be jumping to the most horrible conclusion every chance you get. I stood by and did nothing before. I failed her because I believed you. I'm not going to let you hurt her again."

  I ran a hand over my face, peering over her shoulder, hoping to see Navi in the background. But the apartment was dark except for a light coming from the hallway. If Navi was here, she wasn't coming out. "I already hurt her, Konstanz. I'm trying to make it better."

  "Just leave her alone, Alec. That's how you can make it better."

  I hung my head, my good hand clenching and unclenching helplessly at my side. "I can't leave her alone."

  I could feel her staring at me, but I didn't know what else to say to convince her.

  "What happened to your hand?"

  I blinked and looked up. Was that concern I heard in her voice? "I smashed it at work yesterday. Then I got really drunk. Then Josh dragged me to the hospital. It was a great day."

  Her sea-green eyes narrowed at me. "You—you went to the hospital last night?"

  "Yeah." This wasn't the conversation I was expecting at all, and I had no idea where she was going with it. "Want to see my doctors orders or whatever they're called?"

  Slowly, she shook her head. I wasn't sure what I'd said that changed her, but the anger dimmed just a bit. "Navi isn't here. She's working. Not being a whore."

  I closed my eyes against the pain. "I know, Konstanz."

  "She won't be back until morning. She had an important meeting tonight, and they usually take hours."r />
  Defeated, I felt every ounce of energy desert me. "Okay," I mumbled. I turned and started for my truck.

  "Alec?" She sounded hesitant, like she really didn't want to say what she was about to say.

  Which meant I really didn't want to hear it. But I looked back over my shoulder anyway. She was right behind me. She laid a gentle hand on my arm and bit her lip. "I know it's hard." She nodded. "I know how bad it hurts. But she's been through enough. Please, if you can find the strength, stay away from her. Or if you can't do that, if you can't stay away from her, then be her friend. But this," she waved her hand through the air like it explained what this was, "this will kill you both."

  The second time I got drunk in two days, I made sure not to mix it with pain pills. "Dude, slow down. You're gonna end up in the hospital again." Josh attempted to steer me away from the bar, but I shoved him out of the way.

  "I don't care." I wanted pain. I wanted the oblivion that alcohol could bring. Get her outta my head. Get her out of my heart. I knew I'd hurt her. But I honestly hadn't thought it was over. Not really. I didn't even believe she'd been cheating, if you could call it cheating when we'd only been together for two days. The look in her eyes when I walked away haunted me, and it told me everything I needed to know.

  I just wish I would have realized it sooner.

  But Konstanz was right. The relationship between Navi and I was too intense. It was either head over heels or absolute hate. It could destroy us both. I was okay with it destroying me. But I wasn't okay with it destroying her.

  "I gotta move outta the state." My words were already slurred.

  "Your mom won't let that happen. Neither will Jack."

  Jack. He'd be real proud of his big brother right now, wouldn't he? I laid my head on the bar counter and groaned. It was hard and sticky and cool. "How much has he had?" the bartender asked. Same girl as last night.

  "Too much. I'm taking him home."

  "Is he okay?"

  "No. Broke his hand. Broke his heart." I could picture Josh shrugging, but I wasn't raising my head to see it play out for real.