Hope (The Virtues #1)

by Davida Lynn

  Trask spun around, still half-covered in lather. The water was still hot on my skin, but a cold shiver ran down my back.

  “Ten years makes a lot of difference, huh, Hope?” His eyes seemed darker, and I knew he had revealed something deep. I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t. My mouth hung open slightly as he took me in.

  I knew I had to speak, so I managed to say, “I don't know what to say, Trask.” It was the worst thing to say.

  “Don’t kid yourself about me, Hope. You came to me knowing what I did. You just didn't want it to be true. You never wanted me to go into the military. I knew that. You didn't have to say it, but I knew. But here’s the thing: you came to me yesterday. You found me out do to the exact thing you never wanted. So you can go ahead and hate me for what I do, but you can’t ask me to do it at the same time.”

  He slid the glass door back, stepping out of the shower.

  “Trask, I—”

  “No. You make up your mind. You don’t get to love a sunset, then complain that you’ve gone blind. Look away, or drink the view in, but don’t try to guilt me while you use me.” His voice got angrier as he spoke, and a moment later, I was left standing naked in the shower, trapped, hurt, and confused.

  ***

  I gave him some time before I got out of the shower. I think we both needed to think. Our reunion had been a whirlwind, and there were many hurt feelings left over from high school, and on top of that, a new world that each of us had to understand the other’s place in.

  Trask was right. Nick and I had come to him looking for a solution. Neither of us wanted to say it, but we were talking kill or be killed. The Rising Sons Motorcycle Club wasn’t going to do it for us, but Trask had agreed to. I knew he did it because he still had feelings for me, and I had taken advantage of that.

  I’d wanted to know what he did, but when I actually heard it, my reaction had been shitty. It was like I had forgotten growing up on the poor side of town. The god-complex a lot of doctors get must have already started sinking in, because I was trying to use Trask, not ask for his help.

  I came into the bedroom with a towel around my body. Trask was there sitting at a desk below a window. I stood in the doorway for a few seconds, watching him and beating myself up in my head.

  “Hey,” I said, trying to remember the voice I used way back in high school as we used to lay on the hood of his car, “I’m sorry, Trask. I acted like an ass.” He didn’t turn around, so I went on.

  “You were right about what you said. I never wanted you to go into the military. Even though we were splitting up, I didn’t want to lose you. After we left, I was a wreck all through the war. Every name, every new explosion on TV; I always died inside thinking it was you.”

  Trask’s voice was low, weighed down by memory. He spoke without turning around. “I wasn’t anywhere near Iraq or Afghanistan.”

  “I didn’t know that. I didn’t know anything about you after you enlisted. I just waited to hear from friends that you had died, or worse: I waited to hear your name on some newscast. It was torture for me, Trask.” My voice remained steady, but there was no stopping the tears. He turned around.

  Before I knew it, I was in his arms. The heat of his naked body engulfed me.

  I started sobbing into his shoulder as he held me. I had buried my feelings for so long, but there was no keeping them hidden anymore.

  “Hey, hey. Hope, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize...” He held me for a long time, letting me pour my emotions out.

  “I thought this was all behind me, and then there you are, saving me with your tattoos and your Joe Cool attitude. Jesus Christ, Trask.”

  “I know, I know.” His voice was soothing and low. He stroked my hair, keeping me close to his body.

  Trask moved me toward the bed, my towel falling to the floor between us. He laid me down, the soft sheets cooling my skin. I rested my head on his chest for a while, listening to his heart pounding steady and true. It was a long time until he spoke.

  “I do what I do for my family. Those old farts are my family.” I could hear the sincerity in his voice, his bass tones rumbling in his chest. “You came to me to help your family, right?”

  “Mmhm.”

  “Okay, then. You have to understand that I’m willing to do whatever it takes for you, even if the Sons aren’t. At the same time, though, you need to be willing to accept whatever it takes. That might be a fight, that might be blood, that might be bodies.”

  After a long pause, Trask asked, “Hope, can you accept that?”

  I could. I didn’t want to hear it, but I knew that Trask could keep what was left of my family safe, no matter what.

  I pushed myself up from his chest. I met his chestnut eyes. Nodding, I pulled myself up next to Trask’s head and whispered in his ear, “I trust you. I trust you completely.”

  He let out a low groan as he pulled my naked body on top of his. We made passionate love like we had done years before. It was slow, deep, and without any struggle over power. The violent sex of the night before had been wonderful and erotic, but it was sex between strangers. The morning was sex between lovers.

  After a hearty but quick late breakfast, Trask and I sipped coffee outside his container home. The sun was still climbing, and the air had a chill in it. There were a few molasses slow clouds in the sky, and if it hadn't been for the handgun sitting on the table between us, it would have been a lovely morning.

  Trask had been quiet, and I imagined that there was quite a bit running through his mind. When he did speak, I almost jumped.

  “What time are they supposed to show?” He looked up at me. He had been deep in thought, planning the evening.

  I looked up from the gun. “Uh, he said twenty-four hours from six. I assume he’s going to keep his word?” It was a major distraction to me. Trask had explained that it wasn’t loaded, and there wasn’t even a single bullet in it, but I couldn't stop myself from staring at it the entire time we sat outside.

  Trask nodded. “I do, too. He knows Nick won’t have the cash, but he also knows your brother can’t go anywhere outside of town. If he’s not there when the dealer shows up, there’s basically a bounty on Nick’s head. All the corner sellers and small timers are going to be after him, because it means a chance to move up.”

  My heart thumped in my chest as Trask explained my brother’s fate. I tried to remain calm and remember that the man across from me was there to help, but I was still afraid. As always, Trask could read my face.

  “Nick’s not gonna be there, Hope. I am, and like I told you: I’m gonna talk to them. I’m going to be nice right up until it’s time to not be nice. Understand?”

  I nodded, respecting him a bit more for obscuring the darkness of his job for me. He saw what it did to me, and at first I think Trask decided I needed to know all the gritty details. Maybe I did, but I didn’t handle it well.

  I spoke up, trying not to sound sheepish. “I understand. I’m just worried, I guess.”

  “Me, too.” He said it with a cold tone.

  I frowned. “What, really?

  “Of course. I don’t like this.” His eyes were on the gun. “I don’t like the violence, but I understand that it’s part of my job.”

  I was confused. “Yeah, but it doesn't have to be part of your job, Trask.”

  “I told you. They are my family. They are my responsibility. I have to look out for them, just like you are looking out for Nick.”

  I reached across the table for his hand. He turned the palm up and my petite fingers slid between his. “And who looks out for you?”

  He smiled, but there was sadness in his eyes. “I survive.”

  “Surviving isn’t the same thing as living.” I smiled at him and sipped my coffee. There was something so peaceful about falling into an old routine, especially one that had such warm memories.

  He squeezed my hand and downed the remainder of his coffee. “One thing at a time, Hope. Let’s get your brother out of his jam, and then we’ll ta
lk about living.”

  ***

  Another bike ride, and another chance to feel that exhilaration. I squeezed Trask tight, and took in the sight of the outskirts of Bakersfield in the daylight. After a quick trip to Layne’s car for a change of clothes, we headed to Cherrywood Court and definite trouble. I listened to the wind and felt the chill on my face as we rode to the trailer park where I grew up.

  Trask gave in to my demands before we left, and he dug a helmet out of his garage for me. It was a bit big for my head, so every bump made it wobble around. I kept having to reach up and straighten it out, but I felt safer, so I dealt with the annoyance. It was of little consolation, considering just below my hands around Trask’s chest, there was a handgun in his jeans.

  I knew it was necessary, but I hated it anyway. I really hoped that Trask would be able to solve the problem with words. I knew that was stupid, though. There was no talking about Nick’s problem. His dealer wanted money, and we didn’t have it. Even the biggest charmer in the world wasn’t going to talk a drug dealer out of ten grand.

  The plan was simple: Trask was going to wait at the trailer. I was going to be out back with Casper in case anything went wrong. Trask put Bear’s number on my cell phone just in case things went south, but he smiled and kissed my forehead, saying, “I think this will be pretty easy.”

  As we rode, I felt his calming presence. It worked. I felt like Nick wasn’t in any real danger anymore. I ignored the fact that Trask was driving me toward danger, though. I felt safe on his bike, and I felt safe around him.

  The night before, when he saved me from that creepy fucker at the bar, I felt this intense wave of emotions rush over me. He protected me and kept me safe. I think that was why it was so much easier for me to give myself to him. My body had been charged with adrenaline and endorphins, and then to be face to face with my high school sweetheart was just too much. The passion had exploded from me.

  I opened my eyes, shaking that beautiful thought from my head as we cruised up the Golden State Highway. The wind was fantastic, and I loved leaning left and right as we sped past cars. It truly felt like Trask was above the law and above the danger. I felt like as long as I was near him, I was too.

  Maybe I had lulled myself into a false sense of security, but all the illusions I had built up over the past twelve hours were about to come crashing down around me.

  We pulled into the trailer park, just like we had many times in high school. But instead of his beat up Chevy truck, it was a Harley, and instead of dropping me off at home, we were trying to get some local drug dealer off of my brother’s back.

  I remembered the times when Trask would drop me off after dark, and my father would be inside. I knew he was home, because he would be yelling at the top of his lungs. Sometimes it was at my brother, sometimes it was at a neighbor, and other times it was just at the TV.

  He hated to leave me at home, and I hated the look on Trask’s face before he turned his car around to leave. He told me time and time again that if his aunt and uncle would have let me stay with them, I’d never have to see the trailer again. I’d loved him for it in high school, and driving to my old home made me squeeze him a little tighter on the back of his Harley Davidson.

  We passed the cul-de-sac with just our trailer left at the end and parked one street over. I hadn’t seen anyone when I came by the first night, but I’d probably had tunnel vision then. When Trask shut the engine down, I heard a voice calling to me from behind.

  “That’s not Hope, is it?”

  As I pulled the helmet off, I couldn’t help but smile. I turned to see Mrs. Halburn behind me. She had always been a sort of grandmother to Nick and I growing up. My mother often had her babysit us, and after she ran out on us, Mrs. Halburn was there. I thought she was old when we were in school, but now she looked ancient.

  She waved to me from the porch of her trailer. She was obese, and her tattered hair was pulled back into a grey ponytail streaked with the occasional white hair. As she waved, her evening gown swayed back and forth. I smiled and waved back. I saw her trying to stand up from her outdoor rocking chair, and I darted over to her before she exerted the effort.

  “No, no, Mrs. Halburn, you don’t need to get up,” I laughed. She was one of the few good memories I had about my childhood. She was a welcome relief to the hardships at home.

  “Oh, you hush your mouth and give me a hug, girlie.” The last few words were almost grunts as she hoisted herself out of the chair.

  I turned and gave Trask the “just a second” look, then skipped up Mrs. Halburn’s warped front steps. The faded white paint had worn off where my young feet used to skip up and down to childhood rhymes. She winced with pain, but finally managed to get to her feet.

  “How are you, child? I haven’t seen you in so long!” She threw her arms around me and pulled me in. I squeezed her tight, my heart aching with the motherly love she had given me over the years. She and Trask were the only ones that I didn’t have to take care of in Bakersfield. They were the only two that helped take care of me.

  “I’m doing well, Mrs. Halburn. Still in med school, but only two years left.” I told her, smiling. Up close, she still had a youthful look in her eyes, even though she must have been in her seventies.

  Her face lit up. “Only two years left! I knew you could do it. I told everyone you could, and here you are. Dr. Cantwell!”

  “I’m not a doctor yet, Mrs. Halburn. Don't you go telling everyone that I am. I’ll be giving out free exams all day.”

  She had me by the shoulders, shaking me as she spoke with excitement. “I am going to tell them anyway!” She looked over my shoulder as if noticing Trask for the first time. “And who is that wild thing you brought home?”

  I turned back to him. Trask had tucked the gun away, luckily for us. The last thing I needed was Mrs. Halburn raising hell in the trailer park. I gave him a smile, but I turned back to Mrs. Halburn with a confused look on my face.

  “You don’t remember Trask? My boyfriend from high school?” I turned back to him. He was leaning against his Harley, watching us from a distance.

  She looked past me, then back to me, “No. That’s not Trask Rivers, the varsity so and so? You’re kidding me.” A wry smile grew on her face and she leaned in close. “You know, Carl came back from the Army with all kinds of tattoos, too. I liked it.”

  Mrs. Halburn was talking about her late husband in a voice I’d never heard her use. She was saucy.

  I laughed, keeping my voice down. “Mrs. Halburn!”

  My old babysitter winked at me, “Oh, what? You’re old enough to know how the world works, girlie. Besides, he looks better than ever, right?”

  “I know, but still!” It was crazy listening to my old babysitter basically drool over Trask. I knew he was good-looking, but damn, he was turning on the blue hairs!

  I turned back to him, and I could see the questioning look on his face. I mouthed, you don’t want to know, but I had no idea if he could understand me. I’d definitely tell him later.

  She limped backwards a step and eased herself back down into her chair. “So what are you doin’ back here?”

  I kept the details to a minimum, “Oh, just helping my brother with a few things.” She didn’t need to know about his drugs or the horrid state of the family trailer.

  She looked back to her right, in the general direction of the trailer. “I hope he’s cleaning up his act, or he’s gonna wake up dead.”

  I knelt down to be eye to eye with her, a trick to ease patients in the ER. “How’s he been doing?”

  “Not good. I don’t see him much anymore, and when I do, you’d barely recognize him.” She gave a half smile. I was sure it was hard for her to see Nick go down that path since she’d helped give us a decent home in our childhood.