Reckless Hearts

by Melody Grace

  “Dee, thank god. It’s not like Helena made it sound,” I tell her, praying I can make this right. If she can just give me a chance to explain, maybe I can fix this. I have to fix this. “We broke up, before I even met you. She’s the one who cheated on me. It was over, I swear.”

  Delilah lets out a breath that almost looks like relief, and my hopes rise. Maybe it’s not too late. Then she looks at me with heartbreak in her eyes.

  “But you didn’t tell me. Not one single word.”

  The quiet disappointment of her voice cuts right through me.

  “Because it was all in the past.” I try to find the words to explain. How she was my new beginning and my saving grace all at once, that I never knew what love could be like until she pressed her lips against mine that rainy night and I realized everything I’d been looking for was real: right there in front of me, so beautiful and bright and full of life there was never any turning back. I changed my life because of her, I found the person I wanted to be. But as my mind races to tell her everything, Delilah is already stepping back, her face set.

  “You can keep whatever secrets you want, Will. It’s your choice. And I can choose for this to be done.”

  The door slams in my face, and I realize, I’ve just ruined everything. I had it all, everything I ever wanted, but this is a mistake I can never take back.

  Eighteen.

  Delilah

  He has a fiancée.

  He has a freaking fiancée I knew nothing about.

  Ex, I correct myself, but still, that one little word is no comfort to me now. I close the door on Will, trying to forget the wounded, desperate look in his eyes. Everything is still spinning, just out of reach, like the facts are dancing in my mind but nothing’s landing. Nothing makes sense.

  Helena.

  She’s pretty. Beautiful, even. It shouldn’t matter, but it does. And everything she was saying, about his friends, their apartment . . .

  They had a life together.

  A life he never mentioned. Not once.

  Oh god.

  I hear his truck pull away, and suddenly, I’m sick to my stomach. I race down the hallway to the bathroom and fall to my knees, wretching over the toilet. Nothing comes, the spinning doesn’t subside, and I collapse back, slumping to the floor with one question whirling in my mind.

  Who is he?

  William Wyatt Montgomery.

  I thought I knew him, better than anyone. I thought he was as straight-forward and honest as they come. He told me I could trust him, that he wasn’t playing games. I looked into his eyes and saw a future with him, our future, but it turns out it was all a lie. That man doesn’t exist, not really. Not for me.

  The truth of it takes hold of me, so raw and bitter I could cry. I was right all along. Make me no promises and you’ll tell me no lies. I believed him, and look at me now: a crumpled mess on the floor because I let myself hope, just for a moment, that love could be more than disappointment and pain.

  I stare, numb at the floor. There’s dust gathering in the corners, and the towels are hanging out of the hamper in the corner. I’ve been so wrapped up in Will that I’ve let the place get messy. After all, why waste time vacuuming when I could have been wrapped up in his arms, laughing so hard it hurt as the summer evenings drifted into sundown, and beyond?

  Now, I suddenly can’t stand it a moment longer. I scramble up, determined. I refuse to be the girl weeping on the bathroom floor over some guy who didn’t keep his word.

  I’ve got work to do.

  I clean in a determined burst of energy, polishing every damn square inch of my apartment by the time the doorbell goes. I open it with rags in one hand and a bottle of oven cleanser in the other to find Lottie on my doorstep.

  “I just heard!” Lottie looks stricken.

  “What? That he’s a no-good lying piece of dirt?” I ask, hollow, before turning back down the hallway.

  “Who is she?” Lottie asks, trailing me back to the kitchen. “How could he? What did he say? Are you OK? God, I’m so sorry!”

  “I’m not.” I get back to the grease lurking back behind the range, scrubbing determinedly. “Better I find out now than any later. No harm, no foul.”

  “No harm?” Lottie echoes. “Delilah, put down the scrubbing bubbles!”

  I keep working.

  “Dee!” Lottie grabs the sponge away and takes my hands. “Talk to me.”

  Emotions rise, jagged in my chest, but I shake my head, trying my best to keep them back. If I break now, I don’t know if I’ll ever put the pieces back together again. “I can’t.”

  “I know you’re hurting,” she says earnestly. “It’s OK.”

  “No it’s not!” I cry, my voice echoing. “I should have known from the start. What have I always said? The minute you make a commitment . . . start thinking about a future . . .”

  Pain splinters, cutting through the numbness. I remember waking up this morning, spooned in his arms, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest against my back. I felt like this was it, finally.

  I had someone all my own.

  It’s too much. I can’t keep the pain back any longer. Suddenly, I burst into loud, messy sobs. Lottie pulls me into a chair and hugs me close as I bawl for dear life. All my hurt, all my betrayal, it all comes rushing out in one wretched, agonizing flood.

  “It’s OK,” Lottie murmurs helplessly. “Everything’s going to be alright.”

  “No it’s not!” I wail, lifting my head. “Just look at me! This is exactly who I never wanted to be!”

  “Human?” she offers with a wry smile, but nothing can take this pain away.

  “I trusted him,” I whisper, feeling broken. “I let him in. Nobody’s ever made me feel the way he did.” Another sob rolls through me, and I angrily wipe the tears from my cheeks. “Like, I could be my best, and he wouldn’t resent me for it, or feel threatened. Like I wasn’t too smart or too loud or too confident. He wanted it all.” I break down again, the loss too much to bear. Not just Will, god, Will, but everything I could be with him.

  Completely myself.

  “I’m so sorry, babe,” Lottie says again, her eyes full of sympathy. “I can’t believe it, he seemed like the one. Did he say anything at all?”

  I sniffle. “Just that it was over before we met.”

  She brightens. “So he wasn’t cheating on anyone!”

  I shake my head. “No, it doesn’t matter. He lied to me. He had this whole life I knew nothing about.” My heart aches to think of it, all the things he never told me.

  “But, you both have history,” she tries to reason. “You didn’t tell him about every single guy you’ve ever dated, did you?”

  “It’s not like that. They were engaged, Lottie,” I add, my voice catching. “He asked her to marry him. They were going to spend the rest of their lives together, and I never even knew she existed.”

  She exhales. There’s no arguing with that. “I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Who is he?” I ask again, feeling hopeless. “Because it turns out I don’t know him at all.”

  We sit for a moment in silence, then her phone buzzes. Lottie glances down. “Damn, it’s Eva.”

  I remember all our plans. “Oh god, is she here?”

  “Just got in. We were going to meet her at Dixie’s . . .” Lottie looks over at me. “You should come.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can.” She straightens up, determined now. “You need to get drunk and eat cheesy fries, and be with people who love you. Besides, you want to see Eva, don’t you? You said it yourself, you’re not a girl who wallows over a guy. So, we’re going out.”

  I let Lottie dress me up in a cute summer dress and paint lipstick on my mouth, and then we head over to Dixie’s. I try to act like I can do this: go wild and party Will right out of my mind, but inside, I’m still a wreck. I want to be curled up in bed watching sappy movies as an excuse to cry my eyes out, not walking into a crowded bar on a Friday night, full of happy peop
le having the time of their lives.

  I want to be with him.

  “Dee!” Eva’s shriek cuts through even the noise of the bar. I barely have time to look around before she’s attacked: smothering me in a massive hug. “Oh my god, I’ve missed you!”

  “I’ve missed you too!” I hug back, getting emotional again. It’s been months since I’ve seen her, and even though we text and call all the time, it’s just not the same. I pull back to take a good look at her. “You got bangs?!”

  “Surprise!” Eva beams, her dark blonde hair cut in a new, lawyered style. She looks great, more confident and relaxed than I could imagine. “What about you? Where’s this hot new guy I’ve been hearing so much about . . .” She trails off as Lottie makes frantic cut-throat gestures. “Oh no, what did I say? What happened?”

  “You tell her,” I say to Lottie. “I’ll go get us some drinks.”

  I slip through the crowd, leaving Lottie to explain the whole terrible mess. Just saying the words out loud again would have made me fall apart, and I’m not going to do that again, not tonight.

  Screw Will, I try to tell myself, gesturing for Dixie at the bar. Screw his lies and broken promises. Screw believing in a future with a guy. You had it right the first time around.

  Dixie doesn’t even ask what I want, she just sets three shot glasses on the bar, and grabs a bottle of her best tequila. News travels fast around here.

  “Angel,” I tell her gratefully, and down the first shot in one. She refills, and I knock that one back too, letting the burn of alcohol seep through my system.

  “One more for luck.” She gives me a rueful smile, and tops me off again. I reach for my wallet, but she waves it away. “On the house, love.” She sets a tray with the shots and three beers. “Tell Eva to come say hello.”

  “Will do.” I balance our tray back across to where Eva and Lottie have taken up residence in a corner booth. Their heads are bent together, sisters catching up, but they both look up as I approach, fixing me with matching expressions of sympathy and concern.

  “Oh, no.” I slip into the booth. “Don’t look at me like that.”

  “Are you OK?” Eva reaches across the table to squeeze my hand. “Babe, I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

  “Then don’t.” I muster a bright smile. “Please, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’ve cried enough today, I don’t want to wind up drunk and weeping in public too.” I slide their drinks over. “Let’s have a toast, to your amazing new life in New York!”

  Eva doesn’t look convinced, but she does as I command. We raise our glasses, and clink them together in celebration. “It’s good to be back,” Eva says, sipping her tequila and looking around the room. “I love the city, it’s a whole new adventure, but there’s nothing like home. I want all the gossip. What have I missed? Besides the obvious,” she adds with an apologetic smile.

  “There’s been scandal at every turn,” I announce, refusing to get sucked under the tide of misery again. I fill her in on all the small-town fights, rumors, and affairs, and soon we’re all laughing together again, and it’s like she’s never been gone. “What about you?” I demand finally. “Is it everything you wanted? Is Finn behaving himself?”

  “Hey!” Eva protests, her cheeks flushed. “That’s my fiancé you’re talking about.”

  I try not to flinch at the word. Will was someone’s fiancé once. Did they make wedding plans? I wonder. Pick out invitations and sit around feeding each other cake?

  I feel sick again, and look around for some distraction. Sawyer is shooting pool in the back room, and I leap up. “Look who’s here,” I point, and Eva turns.

  “Oh great, I was meaning to drop by and say hi to him. He’s keeping the animal rescue afloat single-handedly.”

  “Let’s go play,” I say, glad to keep the conversation away from weddings and soul mates. We head over through the crowd, Eva stopping to greet everyone as she passes. Sawyer gives me a questioning look as we arrive, but I just give a tiny shake of my head, and thankfully, he doesn’t even mention Will, just hands me a pool cue and says,

  “Prepare to lose.”

  “You wish.”

  For all my big talk, my heart isn’t in it. Sawyer beats me easily, and then again. Still, I keep playing: I need something to focus on, to pause between breaks and chat with my friends, tease him over missed shots and keep my mind from straying too close to the one place I can’t risk letting it linger.

  Will.

  “You guys will have to come up and visit,” Eva is insisting. “What do you say, Dee? Maybe you could even come back with me next week,” she suggests. “Take a few days out of town, relax, escape . . .”

  I know what she’s suggesting I escape from, and to tell the truth, it’s tempting. For the first time, I realize what it’ll mean to be in Oak Harbor with Will: running into him all the time at the grocery store or here at the bar. My wretched heartbreak waiting around every corner, like an emotional time bomb ready to explode.

  “Maybe.” I give her a grateful smile. “I’ve got a big pitch meeting, so I have to see how that goes first.”

  “Whenever you want, just let me know,” Eva vows. “You’ve got a spot on our couch any day.”

  “Couch?” I tease, managing to laugh. “Girl, your other half just sold out a world-wide stadium tour. You know I’m getting the guest suite.”

  Eva grins. “I still can’t believe our apartment, it’s insane. You’ll flip when you see it!”

  “I can’t wait.” I hand her the pool cue. “Here, you take my shot, I’ve got to run to the restroom.”

  Eva makes a face. “Don’t blame me if I lose for you.”

  Sawyer lets out a snort of laughter. “You can’t be any worse, trust me.”

  “Gee, thanks.” I shove him lightly as I pass him by, heading to the bathrooms across the bar. The silence in the dark stall is abrupt after the noise outside, and I take a moment to catch my breath, rinsing my hands under the cool faucet. My reflection stares back at me in the cracked, grafittied mirror.

  I could almost pass for happy. The flush in my cheeks. The smile I stretch on my lips. If you didn’t know me, you’d never guess my heart is aching with every breath, but I can see it in my eyes.

  I didn’t want to be this girl.

  Disappointed by a guy’s selfish lies, hurting because of his choices. I wanted to be invincible, better than this, somehow. It’s dumb, I know. I fell, just like everyone else. I connected, opened up, offered my heart—and felt the searing pain of having it torn limb from limb. I’m mixing my vital organ metaphors, but you get the point. I shake my head, turning back to the exit door. Maybe those shots are finally kicking in.

  I head back out into the bustle of Friday night. I’m halfway to the pool table when an arm slides around my waist. “Looking for me?”

  It’s Brody, that old fling I ran into the other day. He’s with a group of buddies, grinning and throwing back some beers. “If I was, I couldn’t miss you.” I slip out of his embrace and playfully poke his gut. “Putting on a few pounds there, Mr.”

  “Are you ripping on my six-pack?” he laughs.

  “More like a keg these days,” I say, and he gives me a flirty look.

  “Guess I need to show you up close what the beast looks like.”

  I snort with laughter. “The beast? Is that what you’re calling yourself now?”

  “Don’t you forget it.” Brody winks. Then he catches sight of something over my shoulder, and steps back, putting his hands up like I’m a cop. “Uh oh, looks like your other half is here. Thought the dude was going to knock me out last time I came close.”

  I turn, my heart pounding in a sick lurch.

  It’s him.

  Just inside the doorway, still scanning the room. He looks exactly the same as when I left him earlier this evening, which means he’s still wearing my favorite shirt, the blue plaid that brings out the green in his eyes. Last night, I wore it and nothing else to go fetch leftover takeout
for us to eat in bed. I still remember the way he looked at me, that lazy, satisfied smile. “You look too good in that,” he said, reaching to tumble me back into his arms. “I’m not going to be able to wear it without picturing you naked underneath.”

  Now, his eyes lock on mine from clear across the room, and the longing that cuts through me pierces clean through my chest. I’d give anything in the world to turn the clock back to that moment, when I still believed every word he said.

  But even if I could rotate the earth backwards on its axis, he would still be lying, I remind myself sadly, turning away. All that time we spent together, he claimed to be such an open book, but really, he was hiding his past from me. Hiding who he really was.

  “Seriously,” Brody smirks, still looking over at Will. “That dude looks pissed. Don’t tell me there’s trouble in paradise?”

  “No trouble, and no paradise either,” I say lightly. My skin prickles with awareness, knowing Will’s eyes are on me, and I find myself leaning in a little closer to Brody. “So tell me about this band you’re in . . . are you going to be a rock star when you grow up?”

  My tone is teasing, playful, and Brody brightens under my flirty smile, launching into all the news about his “skate-punk-ska-jungle” music while I nod along and pretend to be hanging off his every word. Maybe it’s childish, wanting to make Will jealous like this, but I can flirt with whoever the hell I want.

  There’s nothing between us anymore.

  Brody keeps talking, so caught up in himself he doesn’t even notice my heart is breaking, right here in front of him. But a moment later we’re interrupted: Will plants himself beside me.

  “Dee.”

  Just the sound of my name on his lips brings it all rushing back, the terrible tempest of emotion I’ve been fighting to keep under control. I’ve heard him murmur my name softly, groan it in pure frustration, and cry it out in the fits of passion. And now, here in the dark, noisy bar, he says it urgently. Intense.