With the Last Goodbye

by Len Webster

  Josie’s chest tightened.

  He was emotional over a woman he hadn’t met.

  And she was aware she loved him so much more.

  Josie pressed her fingers to his jaw and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Thank you,” she whispered.

  Max set his palms on her hips and dipped his face to kiss her once again. “Thank you for letting me meet her and say goodbye, Josephine.”

  She dropped her touch from his face and let out a long exhale. “I guess it’s my turn.”

  Max nodded. “You can take all the time you want. You know that, right?”

  “I do. I’ve had almost a week to say everything I want … but a week … a month … a year … a lifetime is not enough time. It’s not enough, Max. I can’t fit almost twenty-three years of gratitude and love and appreciation in one goodbye.” Tears returned to her. She wasn’t sure if they would ever stop. She hoped they didn’t. Because her tears were proof of how much her mother meant to her. “But I’ll try. And after today, I won’t stop trying to make her proud of me.”

  Max lips slowly spread into a smile. “I’ll be out here waiting for you. I’m here if you need me.”

  Josie pursed her lips and nodded to herself and to Max that she could do it. She could tell her mother goodbye one last time. Tell her she loved her one last time in person before she told her through the skies, hoping they’d reach her in the clusters of stars and moons she was sure was her mother’s heaven.

  Stepping away from Max, she felt her heart pound heavily against her chest as she set her palm on the door and pushed it open.

  This was her final goodbye.

  Her final time and moments with her mother.

  When she turned, she took in the sight of all the pink roses on either side of her mother. It was a sea of pink. Beautiful pink. Josie let out a small laugh as she made her way towards the seat by her mother’s bedside. Josie sat down and noticed the rose by her mother’s hand. She didn’t think it was possible, but her heart clenched tighter than it had ever done before.

  “Oh, Max,” she whispered as she covered her mother’s hand with her own. “He gave you La Vie En Rose one last time, Mamma.”

  She smiled.

  Max had done it.

  He gave her mother her favourite song one last time.

  He gave her a life in pink before her last breath.

  Josie’s eyes made their way to her mother’s face, which was still as pale as when her mother had been put on life support. Since then, her mother’s health hadn’t improved. It seemed every time she visited, those machines worked harder to keep her mother alive for one more day.

  One more day because Josie had selfishly wanted another.

  She wanted more chances for miracles.

  But the wait for a miracle meant allowing her mother to continue to suffer, and Josie couldn’t live with herself for being so selfish.

  “I already miss you,” Josie told her mother. “I woke up this morning and knew what today was. Max held me and let me cry into his chest. He didn’t flinch or leave me. He just laid there and let me cry. Because he knew today was the last day I get to tell you how much I love you. How much you mean to me. How much I appreciate all the things you have ever done for me. I don’t want this day to end, Mamma. I don’t want to say that yesterday was my last day with you. I wanna be able to say I’ll see you tomorrow. I wanna say I’ll see you at every important moment of my life. I don’t want to say goodbye to you.”

  Hot tears slid down her cheeks and landed on her shirt.

  These were the worst tears she had ever cried.

  “But I have to. You don’t deserve to suffer anymore. You never deserved any of this. You deserved a long and happy life, Mamma. You deserve to see me finally forgive Dad. Because I do. For you, I forgive him. And I forgive him because he came back and was the father I never had for fourteen years. I never wanted your cancer to bring us together. I never wanted that to be the reason I forgave him. Now your cancer’s terminal, and I’m about to sign papers that will end your life support. I’m about to lose you, but I gained him,” she cried. Her throat ached with each sob that escaped her. “That’s not fair. That was never how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to be at my university graduation. You were supposed to be in the crowd when I walked across that stage. You were the one who was supposed to walk me down the aisle when I got married someday. You were supposed to be there.”

  Beep.

  Beep.

  Beep.

  The sound from the heart rate monitor was always the same. It never spiked or dropped. And somewhere deep inside, Josie knew she had lost her mother on that Sunday she was put on life support. She hoped and prayed for her mother’s life to return to her, but that would never happen. Suddenly, Josie felt a calmness as her anger and denial finally left her. She had told her mother her pain of all the moments she would have to live without her. Moments she had always envisioned Emily to be part of. That anger that had always latched onto her heart was gone. She was no longer angry with her mother.

  She was thankful.

  Thankful she got to have a woman like Emily Faulkner in her life as her mother.

  Josie took a deep breath, expelling any specks of resentment from her lungs. It no longer existed within her. Her conscience was cleaner than it had ever been. Now she could focus on all the good memories with her mother. That was what she would hold on to as every tomorrow greeted her.

  “I love you, Mamma. I love you more than I could ever put into words. I love you even after today ends. I’ll love you tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that. I love you for believing in me. I love you for being my mother. And I love you for loving me the way you have always loved me. I’m heartbroken that you’re never going to be a phone call away. I’m heartbroken that you will never see me graduate. I’m heartbroken that you won’t tell me you love one more time. But I know … I know that when you leave me, you’ll leave me with a lot of love and memories, and for that, I will be forever grateful.”

  Josie inhaled a shaky breath as a memory caused her heart to squeeze.

  “Do you remember when I was like thirteen, and I was so angry with Dad for missing my ballet recital? I was a ballerina for the very first time, and he didn’t show up. He didn’t even call. I remember you driving home and turning on the TV to find that Dad was still in Berlin welcoming the Prime Minister of Australia to Germany. I was so angry that day. I remember crying and screaming how much I hated him. I ended up saying that I wanted to quit ballet. I remember just telling you that I didn’t love it anymore. That he made me hate something I loved so much …”

  She paused for a moment to brush away her tears as she glanced over at the heart rate monitor.

  There was no spike to indicate her mother was listening.

  Just standard beeps.

  But Josie believed that her mother was listening.

  Remembering.

  Loving her with each beat of her heart.

  Then she craned her neck and stared at the pink roses Max had set by her mother.

  “So you told me to dance for you. One last time before I gave up. You told me that this one dance would always be ours. You walked over to that old record player that you had restored and set that black vinyl down. You took one breath, and with a smile, you set the pin in place. There was a moment of pure silence when you turned around and nodded for me to begin. So I got into position and waited. I waited until Edith Piaf’s voice echoed in our lounge room. For the last time, you let me dance to ‘La Vie en Rose’ just for you. Those tears in yours eyes and that proud smile on your face will be one of my favourite memories of you, Mamma.”

  Josie let go of her mother’s hand and turned. Leaning over the arm of the chair, she grabbed her handbag from off the floor. She reached into her bag and rummaged around until her fingertips felt her phone. When she pulled it out, she set her bag on her lap and shifted to face her mother. Josie unlocked her phone and accessed her music. She searched through the song
s on her phone until she found the very one. Her thumb hovered over the title as she glanced up at her mother with a small smile.

  “For the last time, Mamma. ‘La Vie en Rose’ just for you. One last time I get to share it with you,” Josie whispered as her thumb pressed on the song and set her phone on the bed. She grasped her mother’s hand.

  Just like when she was thirteen, there was a moment of silence.

  And in that silence, she could have sworn she heard her mother whisper “I love you.”

  Then Edith Piaf’s voice filled the room, and Josie sucked in a deep breath and told herself to remember this moment.

  This flawless moment she shared with her mother.

  In a room full of pink roses, she had a memory of her mother she would always keep close.

  A goodbye filled of love and beauty.

  A goodbye worthy of La Vie En Rose.

  So Josie sat there, listening for the last time with her mother.

  It was the best goodbye Josie could ever give her mother.

  A goodbye she deserved.

  The song coming to an end saddened her.

  Three minutes wasn’t long enough.

  Before the song could finish, Josie pulled her hand from her mother’s and reached into her bag on her lap. She felt around until she found the form and a pen and pulled them out of her bag. As Edith’s voice continued to sing so beautifully in French, Josie flipped the form to the last page.

  Her father had said goodbye.

  Stella and West had said goodbye.

  Max had said goodbye.

  And now, it was Josie’s turn.

  As the song came to a soft end, Josie set the tip of the pen to the smooth surface of the paper and took a deep breath. And when the song began to hit its final note, Josie took another breath, grasped the pen tightly in her hand, and whispered, “Goodbye, Mamma. May you find La Vie En Rose in the stars and wait for me with open arms. I love you so much.”

  Then Josie signed her name on that line knowing that her mother had the goodbye she deserved.

  A goodbye entwined with pink roses.

  A goodbye filled with longing and wonderful memories.

  And most importantly, a goodbye full of love.

  Max leant against the hallway wall as he heard “La Vie en Rose” play from Emily’s hospital room. Each French word caused his heart to clench. He knew that this was Josie’s way of saying goodbye to her mother.

  It was beautiful to hear that song.

  It had so much depth and meaning to her, her mother, and now him.

  And he knew he had done the right thing by buying those pink roses. They added to the beauty of the song that had played almost a half an hour ago.

  Jeff Faulkner, Stella, and West had returned to the hallway, but when Max told them Josie was inside, sadness and helplessness consumed their eyes. Josie’s father suggested they give her space and time. Max had politely declined the ambassador’s offer to go get coffee downstairs while they waited. He insisted he be there just in case Jose needed him. Stella had smiled and nodded. Then they had all turned and made their way to the elevator.

  Max settled his back against the wall and waited.

  Josie had been in there for almost an hour.

  He didn’t want to rush her.

  This was her goodbye.

  And she could take longer than today if she needed.

  The pinging from his phone had Max pushing off the wall and retrieving it from the front pocket of his jeans. He noticed Julian’s name on his screen, and he unlocked his phone.

  Julian: Can we please go out tonight? Please, please, please, please, please, please? Rob is at some charity auction, and Stephanie has an assignment due on Monday and desperately wants me out of the apartment because I’m too annoying. I’M too annoying? I don’t think she realises she clicks her pen aggressively as she studies. But I don’t complain.

  Max shook his head. He loved his best friend, but right now wasn’t the time they should be hanging out till late drinking. Right now, his focus was Josie. He needed to be by her side more than ever. Julian might not understand, but Max had to be vague. Max was sure she hadn’t told her friends except for Stella and West. Max pursed his lips, then typed out a reply to his best friend.

  Max: Hey, Julian. I can’t hang out tonight. Sorry. I can’t explain right now. Don’t you have some work to do? Aren’t you a VP or something? I’m sure you have work to do.

  Julian: UGH. You’re just like Rob with the whole questioning my work ethic. I do have work to do. I always have work to do. But I also make sure I’ve taken care of what is important first. If it’s something that doesn’t need my attention because it is stupid (like the cost of paper) then I’ll save it for Monday. Please, Max? I thought you loved me.

  Max: Why can’t you hang out with Noel?

  Julian: No. I am pissed off at him. He ate the cookie Clara saved for me. So we’re no longer friends. I’d kick him out of MY (I don’t care if it’s technically Clara’s) apartment, but Stephanie forbid me from doing so.

  Max: I’m pretty sure Stevie has a brother you can annoy. He is technically going to be your brother-in-law when you marry her. Text him. I can’t talk right now.

  Julian: You, sir, are no longer my hero.

  Max: I’ll be your hero another time.

  Julian: You’d better be. I still love you and everything. But you’d better be!

  The sound of the door handle turning had Max lowering his phone and lifting his chin to discover Josie walking out of her mother’s room. Her red, glassy eyes met his, and Max deserted his post by the wall and rushed to her. She had opened her mouth to speak, but Max pulled her to his chest and wrapped his arms securely around her. Josie’s arms circled around his waist as she took deep breaths. Letting his chin rest on her shoulder, he held her tightly, breathing in that smell of her citrus shampoo.

  “Thank you,” she whispered as she trailed her palms to the sides of his body. Then Josie pushed against him and separated them. She glanced up at him with a small smile that held glints of her grief, holding her back from really smiling the way she used to.

  Max glanced down to see the form in her hand, and his heart ached uncomfortably for her. His eyes returned to Josie’s, and she blinked several times.

  “I signed it,” she stated in a small voice. “I let ‘La Vie en Rose’ play for the last time, and when it ended, I signed my name on the line. I knew I asked you to be by my side when I did, but as I sat there with her, in a room full of pink roses, I knew I had to be alone to do this. Just me and my mother. For the last time.”

  He reached out and cupped her jaw. “I understand. I’m so very proud of you for finding the strength to sign it. I know it mustn’t have been easy.”

  Her blue eyes twinkled as a flash of appreciation swept them. “Thank you, Max.” Then she looked around the hallway. “Where is everyone?”

  “Downstairs. They wanted you to have uninterrupted time with your mother.”

  “Well, do you want to sit with me? Dr Frederickson won’t be stopping by for a while. I don’t want her to be alone on her last day.”

  Max nodded. “Of course.”

  Josie spun around, and Max followed her into her mother’s room. Once inside, he shut the door and watched as Josie picked up a chair opposite her mother’s bed and walked with it until she reached her own chair and set it down next to it.

  “Josephine, I could have done that,” he said.

  “I know,” she replied as she sat down, reached over, and grasped her mother’s hand between hers. She squeezed it once and then let her go.

  Max walked to the free chair, sat down, and rested his forearm against the armrest. He craned his neck just as Josie turned, and their eyes collided. He saw her sadness and grief. He also saw the love in her eyes. Not purely for him, but for her mother. Josie reached over and covered his hand with hers. Smiling at her, he flipped his hand over and entwined their fingers together. Then she let out a breath, shifted in her seat
, and rested her head against his shoulder.

  At that moment, he felt as if she needed him for nothing else than being himself.

  Josephine Faulkner had been the only woman to ever want or need him.

  There were no games.

  Her love was honest.

  Her love was real.

  She had been the only real love in his life, and he was determined to spend his life making sure she knew that. He would never let her down again.

  In their silence, their love spoke volumes.

  In their silence, their love could never wane.

  He knew that.

  She was his La Vie En Rose.

  His life in pink.

  A better, happier life.

  “Thank you, Max,” she whispered.

  Max turned his head, dipped his chin slightly, and kissed the top of her head. “I’m always here, Josephine. I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’m never leaving you.”

  A knock on the door had Josie lifting her head from his shoulder and sitting up properly. She had just drifted off to sleep, and Max didn’t move. She had been up early, and he was sure she was tired. That, and her emotions and the significance of today took its toll on her.

  “Come in,” Josie said, sounding groggy as she rubbed her palms over her face. She turned to face him. “I fell asleep?”

  “I think you just did,” he answered as the door opened, and he heard several different sets of footsteps enter the room.

  “Hey,” Josie said, removing her linked hand from Max’s and standing from the chair.

  He turned to find her father, Stella, and West by the door. Josie walked over to her father and gave him a quick hug.

  “How are you holding up?” Stella asked, the concern glazing her emerald eyes.

  “I’m doing okay. Dad …”

  The fear in her voice had Max rising from his chair and joining everyone. He knew she could do it. She could tell her father she had signed the form. Max wanted to be there to offer his hand and his support. Once he reached her side, he set his palm on her shoulder and squeezed it to reassure her.