by Len Webster
Josie tilted her chin up at him and made a small nod. “Dad,” she repeated.
“Yes, Josephine?”
She sucked air through her nostrils as her chest rose and then fell when she exhaled. She licked her lips as if they were dry, and then covered Max’s hand on his shoulder with hers. “I signed the form, Dad. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t sign it with you because …” She paused for a moment as tears consumed her bright blues. “I was scared you’d stop me if you were with me. I didn’t want to look you in the eye and regret my decision. It just felt like something I had to do with Mamma.”
“It’s okay, Josephine,” her father assured in a calm, levelled tone. But Max saw the anguish in Jeff’s eyes—he had wanted to be there.
Another knock on the door had everyone turning in its direction. Dr Frederickson walked into the room with a tight smile on his face.
“Josie, may I speak to you outside?” the doctor asked.
Josie’s fingers wrapped around Max’s, squeezed gently, and then removed his touch from her shoulder as she nodded at the doctor. “Sure. I’ll be back in a second.”
Max watched as Josie walked to her mother’s bed, picked up the Withdrawal of Life Support form from the bed and followed the doctor.
She had done it.
Found the strength to make a decision.
To end her mother’s suffering.
Dr Frederickson held the door open as Josie walked out of her mother’s hospital room and into the hallway. She made a left turn and walked farther down until she was some distance away from the room. She didn’t want the ones she loved to hear her telling the doctor to end her mother’s life support. That was not a memory she wanted them to have today. This was Josie’s memory. Her responsibility given to her by her mother.
When Josie’s mother had requested she have power of attorney, Josie had refused. She had fought her mother over it, saying there was no need for her to have such power and responsibility. But now that Josie was about to exercise her power, she realised her mother was allowing herself to have one final decision at life through Josie. Through her only daughter. Josie knew her mother wanted her to make the decision and not anyone else.
Not Josie’s father.
Not her mother’s lawyer.
Her.
Her mother’s daughter.
Josie spun around and faced the doctor who had followed her down the hall. In the two years Dr Frederickson had been her mother’s doctor, Josie had come to know him and respect him. She knew this wasn’t easy for him. He had once told her that he was shocked that a lovely, bright woman like her mother could only ever have one visitor. That was when Josie had told him her mother’s desire to keep her health a secret. The only people who knew were Josie, Stella, West, and her mother’s lawyer.
Dr Frederickson glanced down, training his eyes on the paper in her hands. It was crazy how a single signature determined a life’s longevity.
A single decision.
“I signed it,” she announced to him.
The doctor’s lips pressed into another tight smile as he lifted his chin so that his eyes met her. “Okay. Would you like me to grab the hospital’s councillor before we begin?”
Josie shook her head. “No, thank you. I don’t need a councillor. I have the right support system. But I appreciate the offer.”
“Would you like me to go in detail of the process of end-of-life care?”
She nodded, not wanting to agree out loud.
Dr Frederickson cleared his throat and dug his hands into the pockets of his white coat. “I’ll need the forms, of course. I’ll check that your signature for approval is on the back page. If you would like just you in there, that is all right. If you’d like your friends and father in there, too, that is all right as well. I’ll have a nurse assist as I’ll be by your side. She’ll also check the form, and that is when we’ll draw the windows closed and ensure that the door is shut for your privacy and your mother’s. And then we’ll proceed with the withdrawal of your mother’s life support, which—”
“That’s okay,” she said, interrupting the doctor’s explanation of what was to come. Josie forced her pain to settle in her chest. She would not cry. Not right now. She didn’t want pity from anyone. The burden of her choice would always linger over her. But it was the right choice, and Josie had come to terms with it. “You don’t need to tell me anymore. My mother was an organ donor before her cancer diagnosis. Does that mean she won’t be able to donate?”
Dr Frederickson shook his head. “Unfortunately, no. We’re not sure what organs her cancer affected, but many had already begun to shut down. It’s in the best interests of potential organ receivers that we don’t allow the donation of your mother’s organs.”
Josie had suspected that would be the case. She was disappointed that one of her mother’s wishes could not be fulfilled, but she was sure her mother would understand. Josie nodded as her eyes fell to the papers in her hands.
“I thought my mother was always going to be there with me,” she whispered as she fought hard to keep her tears from falling free. Then she lifted her chin and saw the sadness on her doctor’s face. “My mother was the one who welcomed me into this world. It seems unfair that I have to be the one who ensures she says goodbye to this world with my decision to end her life. She gave me life when I give her death. But when I think about it, she gave me the chance to give her the greatest gift … and that’s peace. She’s suffered a long time, and I want to give her peace.”
The doctor reached out and set a hand on her shoulder. “She would be proud of you, Josie. And I know she loves you. I saw that love so many times. I heard her say it even more. Now I have to ask, are you ready?”
She appreciated his comfort. Out of all the doctors her mother could have had, she was thankful Dr Frederickson had been there to treat her mother and be her friend.
Josie felt her tears begin to well, and she blinked to release them. If she held back her emotions, she’d feel horrible. Even crying, she felt horrible. There was nothing about today that made her feel like a good person at all. She wasn’t sure if her morality was intact. But as her mother’s daughter, she knew deep down that this was right. She would feel human in time. For now, she would be Death and God.
For her mother.
For peace.
To let her find freedom.
So Josie held the papers a little higher, and Dr Frederickson dropped his hand from her shoulder to take them from her. He let out a heavy exhale, unfolded it, and turned to the last page. When he noted her signature, he nodded.
“Okay, Josie,” he said. “I’ll go get the nurse. Are you ready for us to begin?”
Am I ready?
Am I ready to kill my mother?
Am I ready to watch her die?
No.
I’ll never be.
But …
“I have to be,” she said out loud.
The doctor nodded once again. “All right. I’ll see you back in your mother’s room.”
Just as he turned to walk to the nurse’s desk, she called out, “Dr Frederickson!”
He halted and then spun around to face her. His brows were furrowed, and she could see the worry consume his facial expression. He was worried she was having second thoughts. But she wasn’t. There were no second thoughts. Guilt was a monster, but for right now, she fought it away.
Josie swallowed the lump in her throat that she presumed was a sob that had gotten caught in her attempt at containing her emotions. “I just wanted to say thank you. For everything you’ve done for my mother and for me. You were more like a father to me during this than my actual father was. And I just really want to thank you for being there. For letting me hug you when I had no one else to hug. I couldn’t have done this without you, and I really appreciate you in more ways than just one. Signing that form wasn’t for my dad. It was for you. So I could make sure I never let you down. So I could show you my strength. You never pressured me. And I’m sure you’ve h
ad your bosses on your back for keeping my mother here longer than she probably should have been. I know you did it because I needed more time. So thank you. Thank you so much for everything,” she said with tears streaming down her face.
Dr Frederickson said nothing as he closed the distance and wrapped his arms tightly around her. He held her lovingly. It was the kind of embrace she had been lacking her entire life. “You’re welcome, Josie. I wish—”
“I know,” she whispered into his chest and let her eyes close.
Because this was a fraction of peace she had always wanted to find.
The moment Josie walked back into her mother’s room without the papers, her father broke down. At that moment, she knew signing them on her own was the best decision she could have made. Josie wanted to comfort him, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t take away the guilt on his face. Whatever regrets he had was on him. Max was the one who wrapped his arms around her father and comforted him. As Stella stood next to her and rubbed soothing circles on her back, Josie couldn’t take her eyes off Max.
He was comforting her father.
It should be her job, but Josie didn’t trust her emotions right now.
It was all so raw.
The decision she made stripped her bare.
Completely vulnerable.
And she didn’t want to suddenly explode and blame her father.
But the man who was holding her father was a man so opposite to him that Josie was disgusted for even thinking he was close to being like her father. She wanted to go over there and tell Max how much she appreciated him. How grateful she was for his support. And most importantly, how much more she loved him.
“Josie,” Dr Frederickson said.
She was so out of it that she didn’t even hear him knock or enter. She was so transfixed on Max whispering in her father’s ear. She had heard him mumble out something along the lines of, “Josephine needs you to be strong, Jeff,” before her father straightened his posture and pushed off Max’s chest. The Australian Ambassador to Germany had cleared his throat and nodded at Max.
Josie stepped away from Stella and noticed that the doctor was not alone. Next to him was a nurse in scrubs. She looked her mother’s age—mid-forties—her tight brown curls tied back in a high ponytail. She looked tired, and Josie appreciated that she didn’t have a smile on her face. Or one of those “it gets better” expressions. No, this nurse was real.
She made the atmosphere and the day real.
Josie didn’t need anything but the harsh truth right now.
“Josie, this is Monica,” the doctor introduced.
“Hello,” Monica greeted.
“Hello,” Josie said in the most mechanical tone she had ever used. It came so naturally to her as if it were a defence mechanism.
The nurse’s lips pressed tightly together. “Are we ready?”
A complete stranger asking her seemed to pull the air from her lungs and lodge it painfully in her chest. Josie’s lips parted but nothing came out. She blinked several times, but it was all that her body could do.
“Do you need a minute?” Monica asked.
Josie nodded, and the nurse and doctor stepped aside, revealing her mother lying in the bed, tube in her mouth and still hooked to the many different machines she had been on for almost a week. But unlike Sunday, she had dozens of pink roses to send her off.
To send her to La Vie En Rose.
To find peace.
And to find a place in the stars where she’d be most comfortable so she could look down on Josie.
One step.
She had made it hesitatingly.
The second was probably the worst because it led to her fingers brushing against the mattress.
And the third was the kick starter.
The one that had her taking more when she realised she could do it.
When Josie reached her mother’s side, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. For a single moment, she pretended this wasn’t the end. That this wasn’t goodbye. This was her telling her mother she’d see her when she was discharged.
For a single moment, Josie lied to herself.
And when that moment was over, she let the truth settle in her chest and she opened her eyes.
For a single moment, everything was okay.
Just one single moment.
Josie’s eyes trailed down her mother’s body. She was so still. So already gone that even if miracles were granted, Josie would still lose.
So she would let her mother win.
“I love you,” Josie said as she reached out and pressed her fingers gently against her mother’s cheek. “I just want you to know that I do. I have loved you all my life and will continue to. All those promises I was too proud to make you, I’ll work on them. Just make sure that when I do see you again, you have a smile on your face, and you have enough time set aside so I can tell you all the days I have lived without and for you. I love you, Mamma.”
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
She took each beep as a word of her mother’s love one last time.
I.
Love.
You.
Then Josie bent her knees, leant over, and kissed her mother’s temple. “Thank you for your La Vie En Rose,” she said softly once she pulled back.
She let out an exhale of her heart’s pain and glanced over to find Max’s teary eyes on her. Then she gazed at her father. He nodded at her as if he had finally accepted what was to happen. And to the side, her two favourite people, Stella and West, held hands as they gave her tight, reassuring smiles. Then she focused on Dr Frederickson. He had been with her since the first day. It felt right that he was here on the last day.
“I’m ready,” she told him.
He handed the nurse the papers, and she flipped them over to the last page. She took in Josie’s signature and handed the form back to Dr Frederickson. The nurse walked over to the windows and shut the shades from prying eyes.
It was a blur.
The next thirty seconds was a blur of movement and sounds of machines being switched off. Every machine Monica turned off increased the sound of silence in the room. Josie focused on her mother, telling herself not to look at the machines.
She heard the ventilators powering down, and her breathing suddenly ceased. It was as if Monica had turned off her ability to breathe instead of her mother’s. Monica then set her hands on the tube in Josie’s mother’s mouth. She didn’t remove it straightaway. Instead, her eyes met Josie’s as if she were asking permission. Josie looked at her. Something on her face must have encouraged Monica to go ahead because she slowly reached up and removed the tape that held the tube in place. Seconds later, she gently removed the plastic tube from her mother’s mouth and disposed of it.
Josie gazed back at her mother, whispered, “I love you so much,” and watched as the air in her mother’s lungs left her for the final time as her chest heaved.
Then she heard it.
That flat line consistent beep.
It echoed loudly.
It announced that her mother had finally left her.
Josie bent down and pressed a long kiss to her mother’s forehead.
When she had inched her lips back a fraction, she breathed, “Goodbye, Mamma.”
And with the last goodbye she would ever tell her mother, Josie knew that the woman who had loved her through it all would finally find a heaven that would always be a vision of a life of La Vie En Rose.
Josephine’s mother died on a bright sunny Saturday afternoon with her daughter by her side and surrounded by pink roses.
Max had stood with her father, her best friend, and her best friend’s boyfriend. They watched in awe and pain as the one person who had connected them cried in agony when the nurse turned off the heart rate monitor. It was as if all the hurt and emotions in her had exploded as she threw her arms around her mother’s lifeless body and wailed.
Hearing her cry was horrible.
He felt
helpless.
Death had taken her mother from her.
And just as he was about to walk over to comfort her, Dr Frederickson approached her. He whispered his apologies, and Josie nodded. She finally stood and lost her strength in the doctor’s arms.
“Max,” Stella said next to him.
He turned away from Josie and glanced over at her best friend. “Yeah?”
“She’s gonna need you. We can’t offer her the kind of love you can,” she announced with tears in her eyes. “You should go to her first, okay?”
Max nodded and then turned to Josie’s father. “Is that okay, Jeff?”
Her father blinked away his tears. “Yes. More than okay. If I go to her too quickly, she might find that hate she had for me in her grief. We’ve already started building a connection, and I don’t want to lose it because she’s all I’ve got left of Emily.”
“All right,” Max said and then made his way towards her. He had no idea how she would handle her grief. He had no idea if she needed him, but he would be there for her. When Max reached Josie hugging the doctor, he said in a small voice, “Josephine.”
Josie pulled away from Dr Frederickson, stepping around him, and the heartbreak and devastation was so bright in her eyes that Max felt her turmoil in his own chest. He opened his mouth to say something that might comfort her, but she shook her head and walked to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face into his chest, sobbing.
His heart broke for her.
Completely broke at the seams for her.
Max circled his arms around her and held her tight. “It’s okay,” he promised. “It’s okay.”
She nodded against his chest, and he felt her tears soak his shirt.
His eyes closed as he held her.
Because right now, his embrace was all he could offer her.
There were no words or actions to reverse death.
Just the offering of support to guide them back into life.
Blank.
That was all he could see on Josie’s face when she wasn’t crying. Dr Frederickson and the nurse had left the room to give Josie some time with her mother. But after the door closed, she held Max tighter and continued to sob. Around them, her father walked up to his ex-wife and kissed her goodbye. Max was sure he heard him whisper that he still loved her, but Max wouldn’t judge the man for it. He knew it was the truth. Even if he was married to another woman, Jeff was still in love with his ex-wife.
