The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
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Kate, Aunt, 5, 125, 200
circumcision encouraged by, 318 consequences in Friday visit of, 72-73
as ex-uncle Gil's ex-wife, 12, 45-46
on filial disrespect, 110
as former cult follower, 46, 103 kaparot as practiced by, 165 meshuga nephew rebuked for overlooking oral tradition by, 12 on metaphor of the clutching wife, 111-12
mother driven to sticking tongue out at Hasidim by, 110
whoopee cushion gift of, 46 why AJ fretted over Jasper's toy blocks from, 327
Ken (atheist leader), 97-98
Kennedy, D. James, 54-55, 72
Kennedy, John F., 251
Kerby, Carl, pop culture monitored by, 61
Kevin (Bible study coleader), 283, 284
Khayyam, Omar, as bathroom reading, 124
Kill Bill, 131
Kings, First Book of, on those who pisseth against a wall (slay them all), 202
Kings, Second Book of, additional adult language in, 282
Kissinger, Henry, inner and outer nature of, 87
Knitting Factory, 68
Know-It-All, The (Jacobs), 95, 175, 203, 335
AJ quizzed by creationist on, 57-58
checking reviews and sales ranking of, 15, 128, 151, 241-42
cross-eyed woman fetish
references in, 36
last recycled line from, 337
optioned for a movie, 248
postpartum downer in completion of, 330
kohanim, sacred hand gesture of, 198 kosher rules, 68-69, 162, 169-72, 338 Kosher Sex (Boteach), 162
lamb, Passover sacrifice of, 211, 234-35
Lamb Chop (sock puppet), 211
lamb juice, 226, 235, 339
Lane, Robin, 176
language laws:
of Amish minimalism, 31
20 percent of AJ's sentences lost to, 29
see also forbidden speech;
forbidden words
lashon hara (evil tongue), 99-101, 158, 227, 251
see also forbidden speech
laws, biblical:
bizarre and ethically advanced, at times on same page, 42-43 Christian distinction between "moral" and "ritual," 48, 255 inexplicable, obedience to, 25, 148-49
in Torah, a total of 613 (AJ's list is longer), 69, 96
see also rules, biblical
Lee, Tommy, Thursday night with, 132
LeHaye Ice Hockey Arena, 269
Lennon, John, 102
Leopard-skin Bustier Woman, lust avoidance attempted on, 287
Lev (Israeli) (and fellow
germaphobe), tithing
negotiated with, 215
Levi, cousin, quirky but compelling beliefs of, 20
Leviticus, Book of:
on "an eye for an eye," 68
author of food and sex
prohibitions in (P), 200 on beasts you can eat, 169
on birds you can't eat, 170, 307 on daily payment of servant's wages, 42
on eating no manner of blood, 76 on fruit forbidden from recently planted tree, 8, 171-72 on homosexuality, 67, 135, 202, 266-67
on the Jubilee year, 63
on leaving your gleanings for the poor, 165
on loving your neighbor as yourself, 42, 43, 323
on making restitution, 331 on not confusing wife with mother, 316
on not mixing fibers, 15, 22, 43 on not trimming beards, 4, 180 on not trimming the sides either, 181
on period of male impurity, 240, 339
on rabbit's dietary habits, 59 on refraining from gossip, 156 on rising in the presence of the aged, 118
on the Sabbath year, 63
sex acts in Aristocrats banned by, 18
on stealing, 138
on stoning adulterers, 91
on which insects one may eat, if one is so inclined, 172, 174 on woman's period of impurity, 48, 51
Lewis, C. S.:
on Jesus without divinity, 265 on pretending vs. being better than you are, 324, 327, 341
Lewis, Shari, 211
Liar, Liar, 54
liberation motif, 284
Liberty University, forbidden things at, 262
Liddell, Eric, on feeling God's
pleasure, 38
Lieberman, Joe, 162
lies, lying, 10, 195, 248
to the Falwell folks, 262, 291 to help the poor, 167
how to cut back on, 54-55
"noncommittal compliments," 54 parental, inevitability of, 55-56 size, taste, and colorlessness of, 54-55
today's, just a sample of, 53-54
life:
AJ's entry in the Book of, 275-76 as balance sheet, 274-75
as challenging jigsaw puzzle, 112 curveballs of, 29
Ecclesiastes on the uncertainties of, 114
improved by believing in God, 248-49
as Judaic priority, 77, 336
vitalist view of, 248
see also everything
Lisle, Jason, 60-61, 63
Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth, 20
loopholes, ethical:
bird-headed humans (as allowable images), 105-6
for Christian polygamy, 136 of edible bugs in otherwise restrictive diet, 174-76
in restricting animal sacrifice, 160 in stoning adulterers, 91
Looy, Mark, 57, 59, 60, 107
Lot:
God's warning to, 57
two anti-Israelite nations the result of two succeeding intemperate nights for, 232-33
Lot's wife, family events missed by, 233
Lott, Clyde, 190
love:
for God, like love for wife, 53 for the sinner, not the sin, 263 unconditional, 275, 313
for your neighbor, 42, 43, 256, 321-25, 328
Lower East Side, cuisine of, 173-74
Lubavitcher sect of Hasidim, 85-87, 163
Luke, Gospel of, 200
on the blessed poor, 269
on choosing God over all else, 290 on forgiveness, 317
on Jesus proclaiming Jubilee year, 65
on John the Baptist in the womb, 308-9
on the Samaritan's compassion, 215-16
lust avoidance, 285-88
AJ's apartment cleared for, 129-30 day job's effect on, 29
keeping eyes on ground as aid to, 16
in strategy number one (she's the princess, you're the peasant), 286-87
in strategy number two (she's your mother), 28, 287, 288
in strategy number three (recite Bible passages to yourself), 287 in strategy number four (focus on the complete person), 288 when finance page is a turn-on, 129
Lutherans, 93, 256
Lynchburg, Va., 258-63
Maccabees, 121
magicians, killing of, 8
Mahalalel, Florida elders approaching
age of, 176
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, 102
Mail Boxes Etc., impatience and
wrath at, 15-16
Maimonides:
on religious food laws, 171
613 rules compiled by, 25
Maker's Diet, The (Rubin), 170, 173, 174
mandrakes, Rachel's disappointing use of, 19, 117
March, Fredric, 61
Margie (Julie's friend), foot washing offered to, 303-4
marijuana, Bible often scanned for a favorable word on, 233
Mark, Gospel of:
on picking up serpents, 294 on plucking out the sinful eye, 289 on rendering unto Caesar and God, accordingly, 283
Mark (friend), 29
marriage:
celibacy said to be superior to, 286
easy-to-follow steps for
introducing polygamy into, 136-38
Jesus' theoretical firsthand knowledge of, 256, 340
levirate, 146, 338
no-touching ban not necessarily bad for, 50
wife avoidance as monthly ritual in, 48-52, 153
Marti, Aunt:
as anticircumcisionist (or
proprepucist), 317, 318
in family photo sh
oots, 117 going vegetarian in honor of, 307 honey banned by, 173
on religious words to avoid, 110
Martin, Steve, "King Tut" song of, 45
masturbation:
in objections to IVF, 337
Onan mistakenly remembered for, 338
Mather, Increase, 339
Matisyahu, in top three, 162
Matthew, Gospel of:
on committing adultery in your heart, 286
on eunuchs in kingdom of heaven, 10
on forgiveness, 289
on giving to the poor, 272
on Golden Rule, 321
Jesus affirms and supersedes Old Testament in, 254
on Jesus bringing not peace but a sword, 271
Jonah's "whale" found in, 337 on judging not, 258
Matthew (preacher), 297-98
matzohs, 233
making and solitary consuming of, 234
Mazal tov, 341
megachurches, 259, 270
Memphis (Nancy's dog), AJ's success in finding a home for, 323-24
men, discussing emissions with (this isn't about global warming, as such), 240-41
Mental Floss, 100
Messianic Age:
Lubavitcher view of, 163
music improved in, 168
metaphors:
actualized by AJ, 122-23, 289 being born again, 290-91
Bible as divine snapshot, 328 biblical, fundamentalist
recognition of, 67
bungee jumping, 85
chopping off opponent's wife's clutching hand, 111-12
hating parents, wife, children, siblings, and own life, 290 for life, 29, 112, 274-75
literalized by prophets, 88-89 for loving God, 53
the Matrix wager, 249
picking up serpents, 294
plucking out an eye, 289-90 sex drive as a roaring dragon, 288 on tefillin wearing, 197
twins Perez and Zerah, 315-16 verbal pollution, 157
wearing all white, 123
see also food metaphors
Methuselah, 185
mezuzahs, 155-56
Micah, Book of, on justice and mercy, 37, 88
Michael (Jehovah's Witness), 74-77 AJ's out-Bible-talking of, 77 on blood transfusions, 76-77 Witness doctrine and FAQs explicated by, 75-77
Michal, modesty issues followed by infertility of, 84
Midler, Bette, where else she precedes Midrash, 335
Midrash:
bloodletting vs. peace as viewed in, 247
on how Jacob's neck was saved, 239
on how parting the Red Sea was managed, 13, 335
meanings of, 335
Miles, Jack, 145
Milton, Don, 136-38
mind:
openness of, 59-60
wandering of, during prayer, 53
miracles, scientific explanations of, 276-77
misinterpretations, biblical:
of "an eye for an eye," 68, 70 of being fruitful and multiplying, 19
of boiling baby goat in its
mother's milk, 69
of "Sin of Onan," 338
mistranslations, biblical:
of Gehenna, an ancient garbage dump, now "hell," 76
of "kill" for "murder," 156 of "leprosy" for generic skin disease, 50
of "locusts" for "carob pods," 174 of Moses' "horns" for "qaran" or beams of light, 66
of the rabbit "chews its cud" for "re-eats its food," 59
of "Red Sea" for "Sea of Reeds," 66
of "steal" for "kidnap," 138 of words like "impurity" and "unclean," 50
Moab, mother's ill-considered plan to repopulate the world with, 233
moral relativism, swimming in the muddy soup of, 39
Mormonism, 136, 302
Morrow, Jimmy, 280, 294-99
as affable fundamentalist, 295 speaking in tongues by, 298 Morrow, Jimmy (cont.)
as sympathetic to LBJ Democrats and Falwell eschatologists, 296 varieties of poisonous serpents handled by, 296
Moses, 211, 235, 299
as ever a slave to goodness, 143 five books of, 201; see also To r a h forty days spent listening to God by, 52, 69
God in two-sided argument with, 268
God's first words to, 59
God's parting words to, 153 Israelites commanded to write God's words on doorposts by, 155
Israelites impatient for return of, 16
Jesus compared with, 265
at Red Sea (movie version), 13 righteous anger of, 84
sacred anointing oil made with God's recipe by, 302
shepherding experience useful to, 212
mosh pits, Hasidic-style, 86, 121
Most Perplexing Rules:
admonition to chop off
opponent's wife's clutching hand, 111-12
ban on wearing clothes of mixed fibers, 22-25
capital punishment, 91-94
circumcision, 317-21
purification using perfect red cow, 188-90; see also red heifer
Most Violated Rules, 80-81
lying, gossip, anger, and touching impure things included in, 81 not making images of any kind, 104
vanity and coveting might also be mentioned, 81
mother, one's own, thinking of pretty woman as, 28, 287, 288
mother, pigeon's, respect for, 185-88
mother-son relationships, Julie's hopeful study of, 230
movies, 339-40
"R," "X," or "NC-17," 262 sanitized versions of, 131-32
Muhammad, riots over published cartoon depictions of, 104
multiplying, see being fruitful and multiplying
murder:
as appropriate word in Sixth Commandment, 156
evil tongue compared to, 99 penalty for, 91
Muslims, 97
Third Temple location
problematic for, 190
see also Islam
myrrh, buying and smelling of, 302-3
Nachshon, Red Sea's timely parting for, 13, 253-54, 335
Nancy (neighbor), 115-16, 235 book idea of, 194, 244, 306, 323 death of, 321-23, 326
hallway conversation with, 243-44 on her sketch of Jimi Hendrix, 325
home found for pet dog of, 323-24 as Jasper's unofficial godmother, 116
memorial service for, 323
Natalia (niece), bat mitzvah of, 325-26
Nathan, parable of greedy rich man told to King David by, 195
Nazirites, strict rules of, 181
Nebuchadnezzar, Hebrew faithful unscorched by, 77
Negev Desert, 210-12
Nerf bat, Jasper spanked with, laughing hysterically, 40-41
Neta (TV producer), 210
New Catholic Dictionary, 274
New Testament (Christian Bible), 68, 119
circumcision optional at best in, 319
guidance on Christmas absent in, 121