The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
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weird and little, AJ as prone to, 148-49
Rivka (cousin), Sabbath freezer rules observed by, 72
robe, biblical, 304
as embarrassing, polarizing, and ego rattling, 305
Robertson, Gordon, 191
Robertson, Pat, 11, 191, 262, 293, 296
Romans, Epistle to:
on the holy kiss, 296
on how God punished the sins of the Gentiles, 263
Rome, ancient:
apocalyptic literature on, 192, 339
book about an atheist arena carnage cleaner in, 97
Roose, Kevin, as AJ's biblical slave, by agreement, 244-45, 247, 305-7
Roosevelt, Eleanor, 7
Rosh Hashanah, 78
regretted solo observance of, 214
Rubin, Jordan, 170, 173, 174
rules, biblical:
AJ's OCD comfortable with, 48-49, 148-49
in Amish Ordnung, 30-31
as benignly choice-restricting, 142-43
for building a sukkah, 78-79 choice-restricting, how to choose among, 143
ends-justifying-means outlook vs., 139
forty-five on idolatry alone, 30 4,649 needed for creating a certified mezuzah, 156
learning to take joy in, 250-51 oft-neglected, 4
picking and choosing of, see cafeteria religion
reasons for discontinued
observance of, 12, 47-48, 160, 170, 240
revising original rule for
obedience to, 29
Sabbath, 71-74, 119
for sacrifice, 160
sanity loss risked by wholesale pursuit of, 119
for slaveholding, 245
on tassels, 338
as time consuming, 28, 119
as time saving, 148-49
see also laws, biblical; Most Perplexing Rules; Most
Violated Rules
Rules of a Godly Life (Amish book), 31
Russell, Bertrand, 80, 98
Ruth, Book of, Ruth's gathering of gleanings and Boaz in, 166
Sabbath, 143, 144, 220, 329
Christian debate over, 48
Karaite disengagement from
electric company on, 69 obeying traffic laws as urban
version of, 285
Pharasaic legalism about, 119 punishment for breaking of, 91-92 syncopated list of those banned
from working on, 156
two-hour headache caused by
paradoxical thought on, 71 unusual bathroom simulation of,
see bathroom Sabbath
weekdays, Saturday, or Sunday:
now everyone works, 71 week oriented around, 250-51 Sabbath year, 63, 336
sacrifice:
in Abraham and Isaac story, 109 crucifixion as, 47
of time, 208
tithing as, 38
Samaria, ancient, 117
Samaritan Bible, 218, 339
Samaritan calendar, 336
Samaritans, 11
AJ/CJ reference as icebreaker for,
216
biblical literalism of, 216-19 in Jesus' parable, 215-16, 219 lesson in Jesus' embrace of, 328 menstruation separation as
practiced by, 218-19
as one of Israel's lost tribes, 217 in "what if" scenario, 219
Sammy's Roumanian Steak House,
dining trauma at, 173-74 Samson, Delilah's doing and undoing
of, 181
Samuel, mother's prayer answered
with birth of, 20
Samuel, Second Book of:
on Absalom's death, 188
on David dancing, 84
Sank, Lew, peritectomies performed
by, 319-21
Sara (cousin), wedding of, 125
Sarah (biblical):
eventual pregnancy of, 19
Pharaoh understandably put out
about, 144
Saul, increasing paranoia of, 18 Save Darfur, 38, 327
Scalia, Antonin, "originalism" of,
65-66, 66
scapechickens, see kaparot, ritual of scapegoats, 161-62
Schlessinger, Dr. Laura, 202-3, 339 schmaltz hazards, 174
Schneerson, Menachem Mendel, proclaimed as the Messiah, 56, 163
Schoenberg, Doug, 320
gossip (technically) about, 81 Schoenberg, Eric:
as AJ's polymathic tormentor, 276
circumcision jest of, 320
on jam buyer experiment, 143
on miracles and science, 276-77 Schoenberg, Larry and Barbara (Julie's dad and stepmom), 307 Schulze, Reverend, 4
sciatica, risk factors for, 70
Scrabble, when not to play, 72
Seagal, Steven, beardlessness of, 3 Sea of Galilee, oceanographic
conditions met for Jesus walking on, 276
Second Commandment, 30
on AJ's Most Violated List, 104
as writers' rallying cry, 106 Second Temple, Roman destruction of (70 CE), 48, 51, 160
see also forbidden images; idols, idolatry
secular humanism:
AJ's alter ego on, 201
lure of, 96
seders, 211
see also Passover seder, Jacobs family
serpent handling, 280, 294-99
origin and spread of, 296
see also Church of God with Signs Following; Morrow, Jimmy Set Table, The (Shulchan Aruch), 143 700 Club, The, 191, 262
Seventeen magazine, Bible
camouflaged as, 9, 29
Seventh Commandment, 135
see also adulterers, adultery Seventh-day Adventists, 313
sex, sexual activity:
AJ's G-rated history of, 129
bathing (individually) required after, 8, 240, 339
celibacy or marriage as biblically
approved alternatives to, 134,
286
contraceptive, Onan's fatal
recourse to, 338
monthly abstention from, 48-52 taking your mind off, see lust
avoidance
when it's a capital offense, see
capital punishment, biblical Shake Rabbis and Roll (SR2), 68 shaking hands, purity laws supportive
of germaphobe's views on, 240 shatnez (mixed fibers), 15, 22-25, 43,
68, 91, 111, 122, 149, 203 testing for, 23-25, 36
Shayna (Jasper's friend), enviable
vocabulary of, 26
sheep, shepherding, 7, 204, 210,
211-12
as ideal entry-level job for
patriarchs, 212
an invitation to Samaritan
sacrifice of, 218
surprising noisiness of, 211-12 "Shema, the," 155, 242
shmata trade, 94
shoes, enigmatic rules for putting on,
142
shofar (ram's horn), 89, 90
a couple of clear notes produced
with, 206
forgetting to take it to New Jersey,
147-48
instructions for monthly blowing
of, 47, 206
Shulevitz, Judith, 71-72, 183, 251 side locks, see payot
sign of the cross, 255
Simchas Torah, 84
sins, chickens as vicarious atoners of,
160-65
sitting shiva, for potential life, 50 Slate magazine, 183
slave/intern, 244-45, 247, 305-7 slavery, 71, 244-47
benefits seen in, 246
cursed by inability to sell oneself
into, 113
slavery (cont.)
forcing kidnap victims into, 138
unpaid internship as closest we have to, 245
sleeping:
problems bearded people have in, 106-7
vulnerability in, 242-43
sleeping around, biblical restrictions on, 135-38
Slifkin, Natan "the Zoo Rabbi," 338 Smucker, Amos, 31-35
enviable monosyllables of, 157
guests entertained with jokes of, 32, 33-34
harmonica playing by, 34
; Smucker, Anna, 31, 33
Smucker, Christian, 32
Smuckers, the strawberry-jam people, 32
snow, estimating Eskimo words for, 336
Sodom:
God's destruction of, 57
Lot's family in ill-starred flight from, 232-33
negotiating with the Lord about, 127-28
Sojourners magazine, 269
Solomon, King, 10, 114, 122
Book of Proverbs attributed to, 39-40
seven hundred wives and adultery concerns of, 135, 137
Song of Solomon:
on being sick with love, 133
B-word in, 134
as paean to erotic love, 134
soup kitchen (Holy Apostles Soup Kitchen in Chelsea--incredible place), 81-83, 186, 249
AJ asked, impolitely, to go away from, 82-83
AJ as victim of power play at, 82
AJ demoted to garbage duty at, 82
church youth groups often at, 301
hot female volunteers near front door of, 301
speaking in tongues, 298
speed limits, 284-85
Spicoli, Jeff, on the totally bogus, 233 Spinoza, Baruch, 107, 153
spiritual advisory board, 66
advice and context expected from, 11-12
on original menstruation laws, 50 Spong, John Shelby, on
overliteralizing God's words, 290, 341
Starbucks:
AJ in meeting with delusional other self at, 7
guy who for forty-five minutes monopolized the bathroom at (same person?), 81
kindness to strangers in, 188
lying about internet costs at, 53
stealing straws debated in, 139 Star Trek, 198
status quo theology, 284
stealing, 112-13
of neighbor's wireless signal, 112-13, 138, 139
rationalizing about, 139
unprincipled niceties spurned in, 138-39
stem cells, religious controversy on, 6, 308-9
Stone, Oliver, 131
street corners, how you can observe a lot by just watching on, 284, 285
street juggler, mid-act cell phone call taken by, 81
strychnine, drinking of, 296
subway, subway riders, 120
Bible reader as viewed by, 29
Hasidim as, 85
homeless ignored expertly by, 228
Mr. Kindness to Strangers flees from merry mendicant on, 228-29
sukkah (hut):
putting up of, 78-80
taking down of, 84
Sukkoth (Feast of Ingathering), 77-80 supplication, prayers of, 95
synagogue, passionate attendance at, 142
Taliban, 104, 293
Talmud, 36
on details of capital punishment, 94 on gossip as murder, 99
interpretive role of, 68
scholarly depth and breadth of, 182-83
semantic fine-tuning of scriptures in, 12
story of a pious fool and
drowning neighbor in, 119 walking in a jaunty, hoity-toity manner banned in, 187
Tamar's tale, 146-47, 315-16
Onan's actual offense in, 146, 338 twins in, 147, 315
tassels, 6, 17, 88, 92, 122, 142, 180-81, 192
biblical directions for, 338
on every corner of ex-uncle's clothes, 103
prefab (tzitzit), 180
purpose of, 80
safety pinned to shirt, 17, 80
Tassels without Hassles, 180
taxonomies, OCD religions replete with, 148
Taylor, Rip, gay reaction to shtick of, 56
tefillin (phylacteries; Jewish prayer straps), 103, 198-200, 221 AJ's previous brushes with, 198 free associating easily done with, 199
history and origins of, 198
how bird droppings can signal a problem with, 222
lesson in wrapping of, 198-99 rules for wearing of, gas ban included, 198
Teletubby Tinky Winky, evangelical outing of, 260
Temple Institute, The, 191
Temple Mount, in apocalyptic setting with red cow, Third Temple, and embattled messiahs, 190 Ten Commandments, 3, 10, 39, 52, 92, 138
in Ark of the Covenant, 84
Christian views on, 48, 254-55
constructing Tabernacle for, 77
dietary laws in spirit of, 170
disputed "Ten" in, 156, 338
minimalist beauty of six through eight, 156
Samaritan version of, 218
Scotch-taped copies of, 15
tied to head and hand, 35, 149, 198
written on doorpost, 154-56, 243
see also specific commandments Ten Commandments, The (movie), 13
glorious cheesiness of, 227
Tenth Commandment, 27
see also coveting
terrorism, post-9/11 jitters about, 209
Testaments, Old, New, or both, 10, 335
Thanksgiving, Passover compared with, 233
thanksgiving, prayers of, 94-96, 208, 322-23, 329, 331
theocracy, 253
Thessalonians, First Epistle to, on heathenish passion of lust, 285 Thessalonians, Second Epistle to, on giving thanks, 268
Third Commandment, 21, 281
see also God, name of
Third Temple, Jewish Messiah waiting for, 189
Thomas Road Baptist Church, 258- 63, 265
AJ's lying spree at, 262, 291
"cry rooms" at, 261
disorientingly friendly people in, 260, 294
singles group at, 260-61
see also evangelical Christianity; Falwell, Jerry
Tijuana donkey shows, feared coming accessibility of, 39
Tillich, Paul, 153
Timothy, First Epistle to:
on honoring widows, 313
on medicinally useful alcohol, 232 on modestly dressed women, 296
Tip (evangelical greeter), 260
tithing, 37-39
after-tax, 38
AJ's mental strategy for, 38-39 gleaning vs., 116
God's pleasure and AJ's pain in, 272
literary agent's fee not regarded as, 37-38
toilet paper, pre-ripped, 72
Tom (Falwell pastor), 262-63
tomorrow, God willing, 236-37
Torah (five books of Moses):
annual reading of, 85
Aunt Kate's passion for, 46
divine and animal nature seen in, 86
laws totaling 613 in, 69
Samaritan take on purity laws of, 218
supposedly written by J, E, P, and D, 201, 339
Tower of Babel, 314