Broken

by Willow Rose

  "So did you ever write that book?" I asked as we began to walk again. A crab fled from our feet and hid in a hole. "The one based upon your grandmother's notebooks about her life?"

  Aiyana shook her head slightly. "Let's just say it's a work in progress."

  "What does that mean? It was your dream! To become a writer was your big dream!"

  "Well. Michael doesn't actually condone me doing it, so I stopped. I only need like the last third of Shimasani's story and then it is done. But that has to wait. At least till Luyu is grown. I can't do both, Michael says. I have obligations to take care of the house, my husband and child."

  "Hm," I growled. I didn't like the sound of that either.

  "I'll finish it when the time is right," she said.

  William and Luyu splashed water at each other, shrieking joyfully. Aiyana looked at me with a mischievous look. Then she kicked the water and it splashed all over my neat pants that I had been planning on wearing for work. She tilted her head backwards and laughed. I closed my eyes with a smile and listened to that childlike laughter hoping I could somehow hold on to it long after this moment was gone. The laughter had grown older, more experienced but it was still every bit as enchanting as it had been ten years ago. It could still make me forget all of my worries.

  Chapter 8

  We walked to the Sunset Grille where I bought us all lunch and loads of ice-cream for dessert. The kids shared their food and seemed to be enjoying this day every bit as much as us adults, possibly more. We laughed more than I had done in years, we even sang at one point and ate too much. I couldn't help but smile as I watched everybody I loved sitting at this table - even Luyu who I had just met had already earned a huge spot in my heart. And certainly one in William's as well. I never once thought about the clinic or Heather and how to explain this to her. Not until the end of the day approached and we all knew we had to get back to reality. The waiter arrived with the check and put it in front of me. I stared at it for a long time. Not because it was expensive, I would have paid a lot more for a day like this again. It was such a definitive statement that soon I had to go back. Back to the world I came from. Back to the house, back to Heather.

  "I hope I haven't caused you any trouble," Aiyana said and put her hand on top of mine across the table.

  I shook my head. "Don't worry about it."

  "So what will you tell her?"

  "Heather?"

  Aiyana nodded while drinking from her glass of cola. "What will you tell her about where you were today?"

  I shrugged. "I don't know," I said and forced a smile. "I'll come up with something. And you? What will you tell Michael?"

  "He’s been gone all day. He won't notice."

  "And Luyu won't tell?" I emptied my glass of beer.

  "God, no. They never talk much anyway."

  "Neither do William and his mother."

  "That's really sad, Christian."

  I smiled. "Yeah. I know. For both of us I guess."

  She laughed. "I guess you're right." Our eyes locked for a second. Then we both laughed. Not because it was funny, but because we both realized the absurdity of our situation.

  We were all quiet in the car on our way back towards the city. The kids had fallen asleep in the backseat. William still had a chocolate moustache from the ice-cream and Luyu's hair was still messed up with loads of sand. They looked so peaceful as they slept leaning on each other, as if they wanted to hug even in their sleep. Like they were afraid of letting go or missing even a second of each other's lives. I watched them through the rear-view mirror and smiled.

  "I don't think I’ve ever seen William as happy as I did today," I whispered. "I’ve never seen him laugh like that."

  "I haven't seen Luyu like this before either," said Aiyana.

  We went quiet again. I wanted to tell her how madly I loved her, how gravely I needed her in my life, but the words never left my lips. "I'll call my secretary as soon as I get back and make all the arrangements for Luyu," I said instead. "I'll leave a message at the front desk to have them take care of it. All you have to do is call the clinic tomorrow or later this week and tell them when you're able to come. Okay? My secretary will make room in the calendar."

  Aiyana nodded. Then she sighed. "It really is very nice of you to help me. I mean I would understand if you were mad at me."

  "I could never be mad at you. You said it yourself. You had to marry this guy to carry on the legacy." I looked at Luyu in the mirror. "So is she ... has she ...?"

  "We don't know yet. She hasn't showed any signs. But neither did I until I was sixteen."

  "That's right. Does she do other stuff? Premonitions?"

  "Not that I know of," Aiyana said. "I hope it will wait a little though. I want her to be a normal kid for as long as possible."

  "Do you have her in school?"

  "Yes."

  "Oh, your mom probably isn't too happy about that."

  Aiyana went quiet and stared out the window as we crossed the bridge. "What? Did I say something wrong?" I asked.

  She turned her head and looked at me again. "No. I just miss them, you know. Miss my family, especially Halona."

  "She must be almost grown up by now?"

  "Seventeen," Aiyana said with a small voice. She lowered her eyes. "She is seventeen now." Aiyana paused and lifted her face. She stared out the window and pointed. "Just drop us off here at the bus stop. We will take the bus the rest of the way."

  "But ..." I said almost panicking. I wasn't ready to let her go just yet. I wanted to enjoy the last few minutes we had together. I really wanted to take her all the way home. "But Luyu is sleeping. Let me drive you all the way. Please. It's no trouble at all."

  She turned her head and snapped at me. "Please Christian. I need you to stop the car and let us get out. Michael has many friends in this part of town and if they see me in a car like this, with you, then ... well then ... please just let us get out here."

  I glanced after Aiyana and Luyu for a long time after they had left the car. Aiyana carried Luyu towards the bus stop. She was crying because she wanted to stay with William, she said. William had burst into tears as well and was screaming for Luyu. It was a heartbreaking display. It was devastating to see them like this. But they were only displaying how I felt inside.

  "We'll see them again," I told him trying to comfort him as well as myself. As soon as William had calmed down and I had seen Aiyana and Luyu get on the bus and drive away I grabbed the phone and called the clinic. I told Julie that Aiyana would call soon to make an appointment for Luyu and instructed her to clear the calendar for that day so I would only have to take care of that one patient. "She is very important, and she can choose any day she wants," I said. Then I hung up. With a heavy heart we set the directions towards our home.

  William was still sobbing in the backseat every now and then calling Luyu's name out.

  "It's okay buddy. I miss them too," I said. Then I did something I had never done before. Something that I wasn't very proud of, but felt was necessary. I asked him to lie for me. I asked him to not tell his mother where we had been and who we had been with. "If she asks about your day you just tell her you had a great day. Don't say you didn't go to school; just tell her that you had fun." In that way it wasn't really lying, I told myself. It was just withholding parts of the truth.

  Heather was sleeping, Sarah told us as we walked through the door. Heather had been to the doctor and was told to stay in bed until the fever came down. The doctor had said it seemed to be nothing but the flu and it should be over in a week. Then he had given her something for the sore throat.

  "And you're both home mighty early?" Sarah said as she took William's backpack and stared pointedly at my still damp, sandy pants that she had ironed the day before. I shrugged. I didn't need to explain myself to her. Without a word she went into the kitchen and unpacked William's lunch. William ran upstairs to his room while I went into the living room to pour myself a drink. I needed it before I was ready to f
ace Heather when she woke up. Sarah came to me with William's lunch pack in her hand lifting it up to show me it.

  "William didn't eat anything today," she said. "Didn't even care to unpack it. Could he be coming down with something? Maybe the Mrs. gave him the flu?"

  I drank a huge sip of my whiskey. It burned in my throat on its way down. "Maybe," I said as I stared into the empty glass with only ice-cubes left.

  "Seemed fine though just now, don't you think?" Sarah said. "Do you want me to take him to Dr. Harris in the morning?"

  I turned and shook my head. I walked past her and poured myself another drink.

  "I guess we can wait and see," Sarah said.

  "I guess," I mumbled.

  Then she left me and I heard her fumble around in the kitchen asking herself where on earth she could have put the steaks she was going to prepare for tonight's dinner.

  I stared at the waters outside of our windows. It had started raining as it often did in the afternoons on warm days. I opened a door and listened to the sound of raindrops hitting the wooden deck. I sat at the patio table with my drink, letting the humid air enclose me, causing me to sweat. I closed my eyes and thought of Aiyana. Aiyana's eyes looking at me, Aiyana's mouth laughing, Aiyana's fingers crawling up my arm, touching me accidentally or on purpose. I pictured her hair, her lips, and her neck. I pictured myself kissing her, devouring her, drinking from her lips and making passionate love to her. Love nothing like the love I ever made with Heather. The sadness was overwhelming. The longing for being with her, for making love to her again filled me with sorrow. Because I knew it could never be.

  Chapter 9

  None of us had any appetite that evening. William and I sat and stared at each other in the kitchen picking at the dinner that Sarah had cooked, pushing meatballs around in the spaghetti, both thinking the same thing. Helplessly thinking that we would rather be somewhere else. Back at the beach with them. I felt so guilty, not that anything had happened between Aiyana and I, but because I kept thinking about her and longing for her. I was after all married to Heather and we had created a family together.

  I sent Sarah home early since I was home anyway and wanted put William to bed myself for once.

  "Can I come with you to the clinic and see Luyu when she comes in for surgery?" William suddenly asked.

  "How do you know about that?"

  "Luyu told me. When we were at the beach."

  I blinked a couple of times a little surprised that she had known. "Sure," I said. "But not a word to your mother, okay?"

  He promised me.

  "Now eat up and then go play. I'll be up in a bit to get you ready for bed."

  After I had put William in bed and checked on Heather who was sound asleep again with her plate of food untouched on the nightstand I went downstairs to my office and poured myself another drink. I wasn't the least bit tired as usual and knew that I would never be able to find rest. Not tonight. Not with her still in my mind. I tried to read the newspaper, then some of my books, but I couldn't concentrate on any of it. As soon as I started a sentence my thoughts would wander and always end up in the same place. With her. I suddenly felt so lonely, gruesomely lonely. I turned on the TV to fill the empty void when the restlessness suddenly came over me again. I simply couldn't sit still. The energy level was too high. The muscle pain soon followed along with the sensation of them growing bigger and stronger.

  I stared out at the water. In the distance I saw lights from the cars and houses on the barrier island. I realized I could actually see it. Not just the lights but everything. I spotted details I had never seen before. I saw trees on the other side of the wide intracoastal water; I saw houses, even people moving and cars driving. I couldn't believe it. I saw things I would have a hard time seeing even in daylight even with my binoculars. I even spotted a boat in the darkness, a small fishing-boat with no lights and a guy in it pulling the nets and loads of fish into the empty boat. I could even tell the color of the bucket he threw them in. It was blue. Dark blue and it had a crack in the right side. I followed the fisherman and was quite amazed to watch him cut the fish open and clean them with a small knife. I saw the entrails as he gutted each fish. This was extraordinary, I thought. I walked outside and started watching everything, really watching it. Small animals crawling up the trunks of the palm-trees, squirrels, roaches, even small ants. Every movement attracted my attention immediately. I could hear them as well. I could hear them crawl and eat. The yard was so filled with sounds it was overwhelming. I went back inside and closed the French doors behind me. Then I went to the bathroom and stared at my reflection. Just as I has expected the glowing eyes were back. So were the growing muscles. I was changing somehow. But what was I becoming? What was happening to me? I stared in the darkness of the bathroom at all the little details I had never noticed before, dust, dirt in the corners, and a hair on the floor. I broke into a sweat and had to get my shirt off. Where did that sudden, intense heat come from? It was as if my entire body was burning, my blood was near to boiling.

  Then something new happened. Something I hadn't felt or seen before. There was a burning sensation on both sides of my arm. I looked at it and noticed four glowing spots on it. Two on top and two on the bottom. They were glowing in the dark when a bright light seemed to emerge from all four spots, as if there were holes in the skin and light was emanating from inside of my body. I remembered those exact spots and where they came from. It was where the jaguar had bitten me ten years ago when it had pulled me to the shore, after attacking the alligators and saving my life. These were the four spots where its teeth had pierced my skin. I never thought about it since it had healed so nicely and quick and never left a mark or scars like the bites from the alligators. Tonight they were remarkably shiny on my skin. Next my entire body started to shake, as if it was about to explode, the light was inside of me and wanted to burst out by breaking my body up in atoms. I had to bend over and hold on to the sink as my body shivered in waves. My muscles grew harder and stronger and soon I had to take off my pants as well to not tear them. Soon I was naked. I was sweating heavily. My fingers were hurting badly. I watched in pain as they grew and changed. I looked in the mirror and touched my face with what appeared to be more like claws than fingers. The skin of my face was covered with short and very glossy hairs, of a dusky color. And what was that? My face wrenched in pain as something grew out of my head. I lifted my claw-like hand and touched these small soft but pointy black things growing out of my scalp. Were those ears? Then I felt my nose change as more black glossy hair grew out of my face and soon covered all my skin. Long hairs grew from above each eye, and long whiskers on the upper lip. Whiskers? Could that be? I stared at my feet that now bore the resemblance to the paws of a cat just like my hands did, including a sharp claw in each toe. Claws I soon controlled with great ease.

  I was scared but never panicked. Somehow I knew what was happening. I had felt it coming for a long time now. Maybe even for years. I had dreamt about it, felt changes within my body and maybe even wanted this to happen. It was scary but still I felt a sense of relief. My body had wanted this, longing for this transformation to finally show up and take over. It was strange but I welcomed it.

  Soon my face and hands were covered with the blackest fur; even my back and chest sprouted these soft glossy hairs. I touched them and felt their softness. It was growing really fast now out of every pore of the body. It was painful but little by little I seemed to get used to it as my body changed.

  The worst part had to be growing the tail. That long thick black snake that had to grow from the lower part of my back. As it started to poke out through my skin I bent over in agony. I screamed out as the tail grew longer and longer. Suddenly the pain stopped. Very carefully I tried to move and realized my transformation was over. I looked at myself in the full body mirror on the back of the bathroom door and stared directly at a black jaguar or a black panther as some would call it. But I knew it was a jaguar. I was a jaguar.

&nb
sp; I needed to get out. I no longer could stay inside a house. What if William woke up and came downstairs? What if someone saw me like this? I walked on all four legs and ran through my living room through the French doors into the yard, where the full moon was staring at me from above the water leaving a thick trail of light on the surface. The entire world was pulsing with life; I had come to life and saw the world for the first time. Really saw it. I was surrounded by the sounds of the entire night world; it was pulsing and breathing with me. I was one with the night. But I had no idea that I was any longer, no idea what I was or what this meant for me. All I knew was I needed to run. All fibers in my body wanted to leap and run for the swamps. Run to kill.

  I turned around and flexed my powerful arms that were now legs. I sprang forward into the road. I ran through the city, jumping to the roof of a single-story house like a cat leaps on a fence or something high up, just even more forceful, unseen by people in cars or walking in the streets. From there I easily jumped from roof to roof like the animal I had become. I ran and leaped and soon I had cleared the entire town and could easily hide by the side of the road while running towards the Twelve Mile Swamps.

  This was place where it had all begun on a night much like this ten years ago.

  Chapter 10

  Never had I felt such power in my body, nor had such freedom. The swamps were calling for me, like every living animal in there called my name in the night. I longed to feel the moist soil under my feet; I desired the taste of the blood of my prey.

  I plunged into the dark swamps my eyes guiding the way. The swamps came alive to me then, constantly vibrant and pulsating. Never had I seen so much life in the trees, waters, on the ground. I fell in love with the place once again, as I had done back ten years ago when I had come there to visit Aiyana as the jaguar. Aiyana! I wondered if she were here as well. Hunting for meat and blood that I craved so deeply and instinctively right now.