While They Watch

by Sosie Frost

  Damn it. “I am, aren’t I?”

  “Clue couldn’t ask for a better momma.”

  “Well…it’s all I know.”

  He greeted to the waitress. “Think we can eat without digging any trenches?”

  “There’s an armistice until the baby takes a nap.”

  “Simple goals.”

  The waitress led us to a corner table—the far corner, far enough from the blondes that Clue could fuss if she wanted. Not that she would with Shepard around. Hell, I never fussed with Shepard around, and that was the precise reason I parked her carrier on the chair between us.

  And then pushed a bread plate to my side, adding clutter.

  Toyed with a folded napkin like a mini paper wall.

  Ordered the tallest glass of water they had and pretended it was a raging river.

  It didn’t work.

  The table was too intimate. The lovely restaurant was built like a cozy kitchen with brick walls and the glow of a giant oven warming the dining area. I hid behind the menu, letting my hair fall in front of my face. It did nothing but tease a vision of Shepard through the curls.

  Was he smiling?

  Was I smiling?

  This was a mistake. Worse than any spicy pepper in forgotten memory was the inevitable truth.

  I didn’t need the memories to return for my heart to decide what it wanted. And that was to twist itself into a pretty little bow to top my perfect bundle of confusion.

  “Pepperoni?” Shepard flipped through the menu. “Or are you feeling adventurous?”

  What could possibly be riskier than losing myself in his eyes? “What sort of adventure?”

  “Tropical.”

  The waitress returned. He pointed to the menu. “We’ll need a pepperoni pizza…and a Hawaiian.”

  I crinkled my nose. Ham? Pineapple?

  Shepard wasn’t done. “Let’s have extra pineapple and red onion as well.”

  The waitress took our menus. She swiped my appetite too.

  “Are you kidding me?” I groaned. “Pineapple on a pizza?”

  “Don’t think you’ll like it?”

  “It’s a fruit. On a pizza.”

  “Tomato is a fruit.”

  “You’re a fruit.”

  He sipped his soda with a victorious smirk. “Promise me you’ll try it?”

  “Promise me after I try it you’ll keep the pizza far, far away from me?”

  “Famous last words.”

  “No, pretty sure those would be—oh god…who puts pineapple on a pizza?”

  “You’ll see.” He squeezed Clue’s hand and earned her giggle. “It’ll be your favorite.”

  “Sure they didn’t spike that soda of yours?”

  Shepard’s wicked grin deserved a garlic knot tossed at his head. He caught it before it knocked into his nose, and he took a satisfied bite. I wished I hadn’t laughed.

  Wished I hadn’t found him so charming.

  So handsome.

  So entertaining.

  How the hell was I going to swallow any of the pizza when I kept choking on my own damn feelings?

  Both pizzas crowded the table. The pepperoni steamed, piping hot and bubbling. The Hawaiian…looked like a fruit salad. I shook my head as Shepard dished a slice onto his plate.

  Then he handed it to me.

  “Best pizza in the city…” He tempted me with the slice. “Do you trust me?”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Ah.” He smiled. “So you do trust me.”

  “One bite.” I pointed at him. “One.”

  “If you say so.”

  I picked up the slice—crispy, thin, and straight from the oven. I’d been through worse—like the bumper of an ice cream truck. I would not get intimidated by my dinner. I took a bite.

  Salty.

  Savory.

  Sweet.

  Freaking delicious.

  It was hard to chew when my jaw wanted to drop. A flood of excitement rushed through me, even more exhilarating than the most delicious food I had ever remembered tasting.

  “I’ve had this before!” I grinned. “I remember this!”

  “Pizza?”

  “Yes!”

  Shepard knew the drill. He’d worked with me on memories for the past two weeks. His motion was almost cliché at this point. “Keep digging. What exactly do you remember?”

  “Hawaiian pizza. Pineapple. Onions.”

  “That’s not what I—”

  “Friday.” I gasped. “Every Friday I ordered a pizza.”

  “You and million other Americans. I need something more, Evie. Think.”

  “Don’t be a baby.” I pushed the slice towards him. “Try it.”

  “I don’t even like pineapple.”

  He was cute when he protested. But that pout wasn’t going to save him.

  “Just try it. One bite. You’ll see.” I winked. “You’ve never had pizza like this.”

  “Never had one as expensive either.”

  “There’s only a couple places in the city that make their pizza right.” I cocked my eyebrow. “Be glad you found me now. I just saved you from a life of terrible pizza.”

  “You saved me from a lot more than that.”

  I reached for another piece. Shepard playfully swatted my hand. “What happened to one bite?”

  “All in the name of science.” I loaded my plate with the pizza. “This is fantastic.”

  “I know. That’s why I ordered it.”

  I nibbled a bit of cheese. “I’ve had this before, Detective.”

  “That’s a start.”

  I hesitated. “And I…I ate it with him.”

  “Him.”

  I shrugged. “Whoever he is. Was. I think Friday was our date night.”

  “I used to have one of those.”

  I smirked. “Oh yeah? What did you used to do? Champagne? Caviar? Wine and dine her?”

  Shepard quieted. “No. Usually I worked too long. Came home late. Brought her some take out as an apology.”

  “Oh.” I took a big bite of the pizza. “Sounds…romantic.”

  “It might have been…if I had taken the time.”

  “Live and learn, right?”

  “Sometimes you don’t deserve a second chance.”

  “You don’t believe that.”

  “I never thought I’d get one.”

  But why? It was none of my business, and it seemed cruel to force him to speak about something so obviously painful to him. But he knew everything about me—at least, everything I already knew.

  And I couldn’t let him hate himself for what he’d done in the past.

  Not when the Shepard of the present was so…

  Perfect.

  “What happened with her?” I asked gently. “Where is she now?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “We’ve got two pizzas to eat.” I nodded toward the baby. “And Clue is sleeping.”

  Shepard wasn’t convinced. “I was a different person then. A lot has changed.”

  “You’re stalling.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t often tell this story.”

  I shrugged. “That shouldn’t stop you.”

  “I don’t know how to tell this story.”

  “Tell the truth.”

  “There’s more to it than that.” He took a swig of his soda. “Should have ordered some Jack in there too.”

  “Shepard.”

  He heaved a breath. “It was a couple years ago. I got out of the police academy and met a girl. We started dating. We moved in together. And things were complicated.”

  “How so?”

  “Well, for one, she was the police chief’s daughter.”

  I grinned. “Forbidden fruit?”

  “Try poisoned.” He didn’t smile at his own joke. “I was working hard, trying to advance in the ranks. Her father, my chief, fast-tracked me. The other guys saw some of the favoritism, and that splintered the force. But I did
my job well—double-checked that I dotted my I’s and crossed the T’s. I’m a good cop, Evie. I take pride in that.”

  “I know you are. You’re my hero.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Were you hers?”

  He picked up the pizza, but the slice lowered to the plate without a bite. “No.”

  “Never?”

  “I did everything I could to please her…and she took advantage of it. I tried my hardest to keep her happy. I never yelled. Never stood up for myself. I didn’t know how a real relationship worked—or that I might have found someone who tried to make me as happy as I worked for her.”

  “What happened?”

  “You name it. She cheated on me. Took my money. Insisted I mistreated her. One day she’d be…lovely. The next, she’d scream. She always threatened to expose me to her father if I didn’t do whatever she asked. I paid for purses and concerts and trips. And this was early in my career. I didn’t make much money. She couldn’t understand that.”

  “Why did you stay?”

  “I thought I loved her.”

  That sounded miserable. “What made you leave?”

  “The second time she cheated on me. With my partner on the force.”

  “Oh.”

  “I thought it couldn’t get any worse, so I walked away. Ended it then and there. But she had the power. Ruined my life. Almost destroyed my career.”

  “I don’t understand. You want this woman back?”

  “No. Not her.” His voice warmed. “I miss the woman I left her for.”

  I stiffened. “You were…”

  “I wasn’t cheating. I only approached her after the relationship ended. And it was the biggest blessing and mistake of my life.”

  “That doesn’t sound too flattering.”

  Shepard shook his head, a genuine grin growing. “Oh, this girl. She was a spitfire. Beautiful and sassy and from a completely different world. We didn’t belong together. She didn’t understand my job. I didn’t understand her world. But we made it work. We knew we were meant for each other.”

  I heard the pain in his voice. “So what happened?”

  “Life. Work. My career was in ruins. My ex told her father to make me miserable, and he did. I was punished. Every assignment I accepted was another chance for him to destroy me. The precinct accused me of everything and anything—aiding and abetting criminals, abuses of power, breaking laws. I lost promotion after promotion, and the only way I kept my job was by working more and more hours.”

  “And your girlfriend?”

  “I wanted to give her a better life. I had plans to become lieutenant. Captain even. But I couldn’t earn that rank if I didn’t work hard. Long, hard hours. Dangerous cases. I was so obsessed with my badge and getting promoted and starting our life that I completely neglected the one I meant to live it with.”

  “She broke up with you?”

  “I deserved it.”

  “Where is she now?”

  “I don’t know where she is.” He met my gaze. “And I don’t know if she’s ever coming back. I regret what happened, but I’ve grown. I think she’d see that now. I transferred precincts. Got a more stable career. I’m stuck at detective for a while, but the work is fulfilling. I could support a family.”

  “You’re a great detective.”

  “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “So now, my life is on hold, waiting for something new.”

  “Like what?”

  “You.”

  It was the greatest, sexiest, most amazing answer he might have whispered. But I said nothing. Stared at my pizza. Ate a tasteless bite.

  Was it wrong to be flattered? Sad if I was thrilled by his admission?

  Pathetic if all I wanted to do was reveal the same to him?

  Everything Shepard had done was to please me. From the help he offered, the dinners he made, the games he played with Clue. He guessed what I needed and provided it before I even knew that it was important to me.

  He was attentive. Compassionate.

  And he had been there for my entire forever.

  The baby loved him. And I…

  God, I was so lonely.

  The waitress returned, offering a box for the pizza that now went untouched. My appetite vanished, chased away by the crashing of my heart.

  We paid the bill in a quiet silence, rode home with the music on, and Shepard walked me to the door, pizza in hand.

  “You’d better take this,” he said. “Working twelves this week. Not sure when I’ll be home to eat.”

  I opened the door to my apartment. He hesitated at the entry.

  Was it wrong to invite him in?

  Probably.

  But my hands were full with the baby, and the pizza needed to be put away.

  And I didn’t want him to leave.

  “I have to change Clue.” I really needed to work on my pick-up lines. “And I should feed her and put her down.”

  Shepard nodded. “That’s fine. I can call you after my shift tomorrow. See if you need anything.”

  I scolded myself. All I needed to say was Please wait, we should talk.

  That was all. Simple. To the point.

  It couldn’t be any more awkward than dimming the lights and sobbing in the corner as I betrayed a memory that wouldn’t come.

  Instead I fumbled over the right words. Put the pizza in the fridge? It wouldn’t take him long. Stay for a drink? Not like I could open a bottle of wine. Stay for dessert? Why didn’t I just sling off my panties and toss them at his face?

  “Just…” I held Clue close. “Stay?”

  Shepard said nothing. He tugged off his sport coat and rested it over the back of the couch. No uniform tonight, but his badge strapped against his belt. Golden. Proud. Commanding.

  Just like him.

  What was I doing?

  I took Clue to the nursery, resting her on the changing table. She gave me that skeptical, furrowed glance—the one I knew would plague me for the next eighteen years. Her little eyebrows twitched, and she uttered a gurgling squeal as I readied her for bed.

  “I know,” I whispered. “You’re right.”

  “Apapapa.”

  “But we’re only going to talk.”

  The baby judged, but the instant the boob came out, her attitude vanished. Fancy that.

  “I have to face him at some point,” I said. “We can be adults about it.”

  She swallowed and gave a cough that sounded an awful lot like a scoff.

  I deserved that.

  I didn’t know what I was doing. What I wanted.

  What was best for either of us.

  Clue had a snack, but she wasn’t super hungry. The car ride had knocked her out, and I placed her in the crib. She slept immediately. I flipped off the lights and returned to Shepard.

  He waited by the door. Gentlemanly. Quietly.

  “All settled?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Good.”

  I stilled. Shepard stared at me as brazenly as I watched him. His storybook blue eyes revealed a desire so perfect, desperate, and miserable that the tension didn’t simply silence me. It strangled.

  I bit my lip. The little sting was pleasing, tingling through parts of me I hadn’t thought to investigate until my memory returned.

  “I wanted to thank you.” My whisper couldn’t carry across the room. I stepped forward, approaching him with tentative steps. “For everything.”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “That’s not true. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and Clue.”

  “It’s not enough.”

  “But it’s everything to us.” My words softened as my gaze dropped. I studied his lips, his strong jaw, the rise, and fall of his thick chest as he inhaled deeply. I mimicked, filling my lungs with the cool, spicy scent of him. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

  “Don’t thank me yet. Not until your memory is back.”

  “And if it doesn’t come back?”

  It w
as the first time I voiced the fear, but whatever had so frightened me about that revelation was lost near the safety of his arms.

  “Your life was too wild and complicated and amazing to lose any part of it.”

  “Okay. Then what happens when it does return?” I swallowed. “What do we do?”

  “Celebrate.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you’ll have that wild, complicated, and amazing life once more.”

  And it meant nothing without him.

  “Will you be a part of it?”

  Shepard hesitated. “That’s not my decision, Evie.”

  I stepped onto my tip-toes, aiming for his cheek. The kiss pressed soft and gentle.

  It wasn’t nearly enough.

  He hadn’t moved. “What was that for?”

  My hands trembled. I didn’t hide it. “That was for me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m too afraid to do anything more.”

  But he wasn’t.

  Shepard took me in his arms, encircling me with a strength that might have crushed me had my bones not turned to silk. I fell against him, hands pressing into the thick muscle of his chest.

  His lips sealed over mine.

  Perfect.

  Shepard captured my every gasp, whisper, and unspoken word that had paralyzed me with indecision and fear and any other emotion that bubbled from my soul and left me drowning in him.

  This kiss.

  It wasn’t my first with him, but I trembled as if it were the first time anyone had ever touched me.

  Without a memory…it felt true.

  His hands dug into my waist, hauling me closer to his body, his heat. I slammed against a wall of muscle and curled my fingers into his shoulders, his biceps, his hands.

  Secrets and desires burned inside me, and only he could ease that unrelenting ache that crushed me with hesitance, indecision, and dreadful wanting.

  Our bodies crashed together. My words were lost against the fierce stroke of his tongue, stealing from me the doubt I’d wielded as a shield against this passion.

  Our crazed kisses bound us together in a breathless haze of utter delight. He led me towards the couch, my steps heavy and unresponsive as he dizzied me with a delicious thrill. I tripped over the rug, but he caught me before I tumbled backwards.

  Our kisses turned ravenous. Animalistic. His lips no longer nibbled, but claimed. The heat from his mouth warmed my throat, and the nip crashed waves of shivers over me. I nearly collapsed, desperate and shocked.