Alien Caller

by Greg Curtis

  “What I don’t get is why Alice would have helped. She’s human like me. There’s no scientific papers she’s interested in writing and they couldn’t have offered her any money. Though she's poor like everyone else here she’s got enough to meet her needs and isn't really wanting any more. Not when more money might mean leaving. People here are homebodies. Meanwhile her medical needs are apparently met by your people.”

  “Maybe she just wanted to make sure you didn’t tattle, and this would be one way to buy your silence.” It was logical, it made sense, and yet it was still wrong. He knew Alice well enough he thought, and that was never the way she worked.

  “Or maybe, she just thought it’d be fun.” The second possibility suddenly sounded like a winner to him. He knew Alice as well as he knew any of his neighbours. He’d seen her perhaps once a week for the last three years, while shopping in town or just paying social visits. The one thing he’d always known about her was her love of meddling in other people’s lives. This would have been her wildest dream come true. But if she knew they’d done it, well gossip wouldn’t come close to describing what would follow.

  “We’re going to have to kill her you know.” He couldn’t keep straight face as he said it, and she just looked askance at him, trying not to laugh as well.

  “When she learns she’s succeeded in getting us to the bedroom, as it were, she’s never going to let us live it down. All day, every day, the only thing we’re going to hear is how fortunate it was that we finally listened to her. And then she’ll tell her friends, all of them, making absolutely sure they know that she knew better than us kids.”

  “You’re right, but death may be too good for her!” It was a long time before they stopped laughing.

  “You know, you humans have a saying. Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, shame on me. Soon I’m going to want to do this again. But I don’t want to be caught again.” Soon, David realized, was actually very soon. He was starting to feel life returning to vital regions. They sat up together, realizing as one that the first thing they had to do was get rid of the bug.

  “What would it look like?” They might have been caught once, but he was damned if he’d let them catch him twice. And they both knew even if they had said nothing, that there were going to be more sessions.

  “Anything. It should be something no smaller than the size of a small tea pot that would be out in the open all the time, and would probably be something your prying neighbours gave you when you first moved in.”

  “The damn bread bin!” It was the last that had given it away. The decidedly ugly bread bin was one of the first presents he’d been given when he moved in three or four years earlier. It was a hand crafted relic of some bygone age, that looked like it had been chiselled with stone tools, and painted by children. But he’d kept it on the kitchen bench, pleased by the fact that his neighbours had gone to the trouble of getting him something, and unwilling to cause any insult by hiding it away. His neighbours seemed to get upset when he did. Now he knew why. Besides, he didn’t have another bread bin, and it worked well enough, when the slider actually opened.

  He stared at it, accusingly, and wondered if someone was staring back at him through it. And then he looked at where it was on the bench and the view it had had of them, and wilted. The camera angle was simply unfair. Cyrea looked at it too, the same thoughts running through her head.

  “Well they certainly know we did it!” He groaned. Cyrea just nodded grimly, no doubt imagining the footage plastered over the news. Maybe the very late X-rated news.

  As a unit they rose to their feet and approached the bin cautiously, almost as though it might bite. It didn’t help that they were stark naked, but they both knew it was too late to get dressed just to destroy the thing. Much too late. David studied it closely, wondering what the bug inside it might look like, when Cyrea simply picked up the entire unit and smashed it against the counter, breaking it apart.

  She stared at the fragments intently, looking he guessed for wires, and then when she didn’t see them, smashed it down again, and again. In short order it was match sticks, and David was wondering if he’d got it wrong.

  “That should fix it.” To make certain, she got a dish cloth and wiped the remains into a plastic bag, then threw that into the rubbish bin, as if it could still somehow be watching them, and he gathered the threat was over. It made little sense, but Cyrea seemed to think they’d got it right, and truthfully he couldn’t think of anything else the locals had given him, but he still couldn’t see any wires. And why was it so big? She looked at his puzzled expression and explained.

  “Printed circuit cluster, built directly into the matrix of the material. The entire thing is one gigantic organic computer chip, bristling with microscopic sensors. This thing can hear and see us, do 3D imaging, sense the vibrations in the house around us, and even taste the chemicals in the air. After that it will integrate the data, turn it into a message and broadcast it with appropriate warnings to whoever controls it.” He looked at it and still could see nothing, except in the pattern that the wood had made when snapping. There was powder around, like ultra-fine dust, and he would have expected it to split instead. Then the implications struck him.

  “You mean they’ve got all that about us.” For the first time he was genuinely shocked. It was only going to get worse.

  “More, much more. They’ve got every single word we whispered, every groan we stifled, perfect 3D video which they can magnify to see the smallest hair on our heads, infra-red imagery, the vibration of every heartbeat, and a full breakdown of every scent we gave off. By tomorrow morning they could write an entire encyclopaedia about our mating habits, including detailed discussion by any number of experts. I can’t wait to see the section on foreplay!” Despite himself David found himself smiling with her. It had been rather an unusual courtship.

  “But if they had all that right from the start, why didn’t they come rushing in when I first picked you up here? Surely they should have rushed over as fast as their legs could carry them. I would have. But Alice didn’t arrive till the next morning, after we’d patched up our differences.”

  “They’re not allowed to have this, so they didn't want to be exposed. If they had rushed over, I would have guessed what they were doing, and they’d have had some explaining to do. Besides which, how would they have explained it to you? You would have known immediately that you were being watched. And also they may not have been watching it at the time. I would guess they hadn’t even considered the possibility until it actually happened.” Which made sense. After all, even when they knew he was a retired agent they would never have imagined that one of their own would wander directly into his house, wounded and lost.

  “I’d guess that they sat there panicking like your headless chickens, and wondered what to do. By the time they had any sort of plan it was already morning and the nearest friendly human they could find was sent off to collect me.” Her explanation made sense, sort of, though why they shouldn’t be allowed to bug an alien agent he still couldn’t understand. It seemed only reasonable. Embarrassing for him perhaps but reasonable.

  In the end David realized it didn’t really matter. If these people were anything like humans, in their law they’d be rushing the evidence over to the nearest court as they spoke. They’d been caught and the only defence they would have would be to cut a deal. Something like ‘We might have broken a few small rules, but look at your agent doing the wild thing with an enemy alien.’ He tried to explain that to Cyrea, but she just shook her head.

  “We don’t have those sorts of deals. If they get caught doing something wrong, they get the same sentence no matter what else might be found out. No deals. Besides, I haven’t broken any rules. I’m allowed to have sexual relations with any man I choose, regardless of species though it’s never come up before. The only exception is that I can’t sleep with those I watch over. I’m not here to watch over you.” Which made him wonder what exactly her assignment was, but
he didn’t ask. He had spent too long in the security business to ask questions he knew she couldn’t answer.

  “So they won’t publish it?” For a second he almost dared to breathe again.

  “Ohh they’ll publish! The creator himself couldn’t stop them. Especially not after they’d gone to all the trouble to bring us together. This is a major coup for the biologists and sociologists. I can see the paper titles now, ‘Out-species matings; the triumph of the spirit over the flesh’. The psychologists won’t be far behind, relating their theories of violence and sex to the entire universe. And every other Ayn will be studying it intently, looking at hand to hand combat techniques.” She looked so pathetic at the thought, that he just had to hold her.

  “How soon?”

  “It’ll already be out there. This is a first. A major event in interspecies intercourse, sexual relations and even reproductive biology. Those who publish it will become famous. They’ll be rushing to air as fast as they can dictate their reports, and damn the consequences.” Once again he found his hopes crashing, and tried not to cringe at the thought of thousands, maybe millions of her people watching video of them making love across the universe.

  “Oh God, I’m sorry.” He suddenly realized he was probably being selfish. For the one place it would never be seen was Earth. Cyrea wasn’t so lucky. She had to return, he guessed to that. He held her tight, apologizing for his thoughtlessness. She shrugged, resigned apparently to her fate.

  “It’s not the first time this sort of thing has happened, though it is my first time in the public eye. I’ll survive I guess, and sooner or later something else will be the big news. Besides I have nothing to be ashamed of.” And as she said it, he knew she was speaking the truth. She had told him several times before about her people’s beliefs. Leinians had no concept of racism, which was something humans could also well do without. This might be embarrassing but none would hold it against her.

  “No you don’t. You fought really bravely, and loved even better. Plus your body is simply perfection. I can see a lot of very jealous women out there, all wishing they were half the woman you are.” He kissed her a few more times for good measure, making sure she knew he was being totally honest.

  “Thank you.” She was smiling from head to toe. “With compliments like that I can see you getting lucky again very soon. And you’re right, those women will be jealous. Of my good fortune in finding you.”

  “Not when they get a good look at the footage, and see my great white backside featuring so prominently in the picture! I mean if I’d known I would have gone on a diet, perhaps done some more exercise and sun bathing.”

  “I like your backside. In fact I’m very attached to it!” They both laughed.

  Of course there was a funny side to the whole mess when David thought of it, - even as he started laughing. “You know, I can just see Alice’s face and hear her talking down to us again.”

  “Two highly trained intelligence officers, masters of espionage and covert operations, and we somehow managed to have sex directly in front of a surveillance device.” He mimicked her voice, well enough and the laughter became infectious.

  “You think she still thinks of us as children? Very naughty children perhaps? And will she ever be able to look me in the face again?” Tears began running out his eyes as the laughter grew to epidemic proportions.

  “Then let’s not forget that millions of viewers may well have the pleasure of watching me, a combat specialist, having my balls and everything else nearly bitten off. – A very clever move by the way. I never expected it. You practically turned me into a lump of quivering jelly.” He wasn’t angry, just horrified at the thought of what they’d recorded, and still trying not to curl up into a foetal position at the memory of what had happened. But Cyrea wasn’t too happy at the thought. Judging her expressions as best he could she almost looked ashamed of it.

  “I’m so sorry about that. I really am. I wouldn’t really have bitten you. But I was very mad at the way you kept beating me so easily, and it was the only way I could see to win, even if it’s cheating. I knew you were going so very easy on me, deliberately playing by the rules, but I couldn’t help myself. It felt so good to finally have you literally where I wanted you. And when you panicked it was pure bliss. I was very tempted not to let you go, at least for a while. But I wouldn’t have bitten you. And you did taste so very good.” Her hand had started playing with him, telling him that she was indeed very glad she hadn’t devoured him, and they both smiled.

  “It wasn’t that easy, believe me. You’re very good, and very unpredictable. Several times I thought you had me, and given you were learning so fast I knew that soon you would. Very soon. So I was just trying to upset you. To keep you off balance. It was the only way I could control the situation.” Together they started telling one another how well they had both fought and how tough it had been for them. Then they both had to apologize for having been so mean.

  Cyrea laughed suddenly, and she had the most indecent smile on her face. “When you think about it, it is sort of ironic. I mean you did all that absolutely perfectly. You managed to keep me off balance, and you controlled the situation perfectly, and as a direct consequence, I have had you!” The laughter came from deep down, and just bubbled through them both. Neither of them could stop until tears streamed down their faces. Finally there was no more war between them. Especially when there was serious life returning to his manhood, and they both knew it.

  “So have you seen the bedroom yet? It’s got a wonderful view of the lake, and a great big bed.” The bug was smashed, the tension between them gone, and the blood was starting to flow to vital areas again. David was thinking once more like a horny little teenager.

  “Are you trying to seduce me Sir?” The strange thing was how well she carried off the almost indignant tones of an ageing English spinster, especially when she was still playing with him.

  “Absolutely. Is it working?”

  “Absolutely. Especially the part about the bed. Is it soft? Because that couch of yours is anything but, and the floor worse. I’d really like to sleep in a nice soft bed. I’d do anything for a nice soft mattress.” She had no eye lashes but she would have been batting them if she had.

  “Anything? Oh I like the sound of that. It’s a very nice bed with a lovely soft mattress. You’ll love it. But I don’t think we’ll be doing much sleeping.” At least not until they collapsed from exhaustion if he was lucky. Worrying done with, he stood up and scooped her up into his arms before carrying her back to his bedroom. But just before they got there he stopped and turned back.

  “Oh and Alice, if you’re still watching out there, thank you. And for your information we both won.” He declared it to the remains of the bread box lying in the rubbish bin, while Cyrea looked on and laughed some more.

  He stopped in the doorway between the lounge and bedroom, letting her get a good view of what awaited, while he desperately tried to think whether there could be any more of his neighbour’s presents in there. He couldn’t see anything.

  “Well my lady, this may not be another first grand step in inter-species sexual relations, but at least we can make love in comfort. Besides, this time they won’t be able to watch us and write a book about it afterwards.”

  “You were right. It’s a very nice looking bed. You’ll be very comfortable while I ride.” He looked at her, caught off guard.

  “Well you’ve had your way with me, now it’s my turn. Fair is fair after all. But I’ll be gentle, and afterwards, when you’re up to it, you can have another ride.” She was smiling, but also totally serious and he knew he was in for a long night.

  He slammed the door behind them as a not too subtle warning to any other would be voyeurs.

  Chapter Seven.

  “By Mother Lei you look done!” Myra came over to Cyrea as she sat on one of the benches in the common area of the ship feeling sorry for herself. She probably should have been enjoying the artificial sunlight, an exact match
for that of home, and drinking her hot andara berry juice, and for the most part relaxing as ordered, but she was too tense for that. So instead she had been sitting there for probably half a standard Earth hour, the hot drink all but forgotten in her hands, and simply trying not to give in to her natural instincts and scream, or cry, or something else. She didn’t quite know what she was supposed to do. It had already been a long day.

  First, she had woken up in bed with David, her mate. After the euphoria of the previous day and night that had been a shock, like having a bucket of cold water thrown in her face, and yet it wasn’t completely terrible. Once as a child, she’d eaten a whole bunch of purple andara berries, and the taste, the sweetness and the tart so beautifully mixed, had been joyous. But the next morning, when the aches and pains had hit, she had learned first hand why you never ate the purples unripe and uncooked. This was strangely like that day, twenty years before. But unlike that day, a long lie in in bed and some medicine from the doctor was not going to return everything to the way it had been. She had a mate, not a stomach bug.