Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

  Testimonial 2

  I was a bully during my life. I made people feel bad about themselves, because there was trouble at home and I didn’t know how to tell anyone. Calling people names was O.K., I guess, but I really liked pushing people. I’d push people when they were eating, sleeping, or even right in front of their friends. Imagine some nerd just talking about math and getting his buddies all hot and bothered, and then WHAM! his chest would flop forward as his head would jerk back, causing every muscle in his body to look completely stupid. I thought that was “cool.” And when they’d be peeing, I’d push them so hard that their crotch would touch the back of the urinal. I just wanted to hurt people’s feelings regardless of whether or not they deserved it. My life was wasted on wedgies and spitballs, and what do I have to show for it all? A gigantic diaper rash, that’s what! A ninja put a diaper on me and sealed up the edges with electrical tape. When he wouldn’t let me take it off till I counted to a billion, then I truly understood how awesome ninjas are. I should have treated people better. I should have learned to love.

  Testimonial 3

  Our children were the worst thing to happen to us. My husband and I wanted a nice, quiet life with our small circle of friends, a weekend in Montreal, and a third car. But then, once you get everything all planned out, an accident happens, if you can even call it that. Do you know much it costs to raise a couple of kids nowadays? Plenty! When they came out, they were covered in filth, and not much has changed since. I’m sick of it. Ted got his tubes tied the day I told him. He suggested we abort and send them back to hell, but I figured they might entertain us. Well, you know what? They weren’t entertaining. They weren’t a joy. They were two more people eating our food, living in our home, using up ALL THE HOT WATER. We tried to get them to run away. We even offered them money to leave, but they just sat on the couch, watching TV, filling up on chips and candy. Ted and I even stopped acknowledging them near the end. We pretended that they didn’t exist and kept the good food in a cooler in my car trunk and only condiments in the refrigerator. And, after awhile, things were starting to look up for Ted and me. We even started screwing again. But, much to our discontent, a ninja kicked us in the nuts, banged our heads together, and we both feel asleep. When Ted and I woke up, we found ourselves missing our hearts, both kidneys, stomachs, colons, teeth, and wallets. I can still picture the ninja, having stapled all the organs and wallets to his completely awesome152 uniform,153 spinning154 around,155 laughing.156

  My Dinner with a Ninja: A Hot Babe Talks About a Hot Night

  Did You Know?

  Making love to a mermaid would be so awesome.

  Not only do ninjas touch the lives of their victims, they also touch hot babes—A LOT. Here, some babe wrote in her diary about her dinner date with the ninja. Don’t read this if you’re scared of getting all hot and sweaty.

  Friday, June 21, 2002

  Dear Diary,

  Hello. I am a hot babe. I had dinner with a ninja on Wednesday. The day started with a haircut, which a barber gave me. Then I put on perfume. After that, I tried on different dresses. The one with flowers is my favorite because my mother gave it to me. (She’s dead.) Before I went over to the ninja’s house, I watched TV and ate some snacks, which put me at peace. When I arrived at the ninja’s hacienda, I noticed many expensive cars in the driveway. And the house was painted jet black and had gun turrets. Then, out of nowhere, the ninja opened the door and looked great. He was tall.

  “Good evening, Madame,” he said.

  I was like, “Wow.”

  “Yo, do you want to come into my hacienda?”

  “Hell, yeah!” I said. Then I got pumped. The house smelled awesome and there was some badass music playing. Money was just lying on the couch and nobody cared. Even the carpet was leather. To my surprise, the ninja prepared a dream dinner—it was spicy chili. And instead of plates, we used diapers, which is romantic, if you ask me. During dinner the ninja had amazing things to say about back flips and video games—I was flabbergasted. And when coins from my pocket fell between the couch, I didn’t even care, because I was falling in love. Out of nowhere, we started making out, hard. Then I woke up in a ditch. It was great. I’ll never forget it.

  Apparently, the girl still talks about the ninja whenever anyone comes to the house to visit. And a couple weeks later, there was this guy who tried to date her, but she didn’t want anything to do with a man who’s afraid157 to158 express159 his160 feelings161 and162 get163 pumped.164

  Romance and Ninjas

  Ninjas are amazing lovers. Before porking, a ninja will generally get underneath the covers while his mate changes her dirty underpants in the bathroom. Then, when she’s all cleaned up, she gets under the covers, too. Then they’ll stare at each other for a couple seconds and wonder how it finally came to this. Then the ninja will approach the female. She will look scared, but so will he. Then this soft music will happen, but nobody will care. Then they hug. And the lights go out. They just lie there talking about who threw up during lunch or if they saw a fight on the bus. And when they wake up in the morning, they eat breakfast off each other’s stomachs, and that’s it!

  I’m practicing to be romantic, too. Francine and I found an erotic massage book underneath Mom’s magazines. I’ve already practiced on some of the animals in the neighborhood. I rub them down pretty good. Some even moan. Anyways, to get you in the mood, I wrote down some romantic stories that turn on ninjas. The following soap operas are like fables, but hotter. The first is about a single mother trying to make it in the big city without comprising her hot body. The second is about balancing a love-life and kids in the big city. And the third is about a165 kid166 with167 a168 mustache.169

  The Smear

  The camera opens slowly to reveal black smoke pretty much everywhere. And there is thunder. A single flute is pumping up the audience. Then, without a drop of preparation, the audience hears a nibbling sound. The smoke blows away to reveal a single mother breast-feeding three young boys in a badass living room. The television-audience now hears soothing music with pianos and more flutes, which will calm them. The mother is wearing an all black apron with holsters for kids. Basically she’s a loner, with babies. Nobody messed with the single mom until one stupid day a killer popped a sprocket and went nuts. So the crazy killer taps on the single mother’s living room door and says, “Hey, I’m going to kill you pretty soon.” And she says, “By pretty soon, you mean never.” But her impropriety majorly pisses off the killer. And then, out of nowhere, he opens the door. The single mom stands up, hard. And, with boys still suckling, she begins to spin on one hoof. (In slow motion, the killer’s smile flips into a frown.) The boys’ tiny limbs flop on the killer’s face and smooshes his teeth into liquid. The killer falls backwards into a bunch of things. And flute sounds are literally out of control when the single mom smears pap all over the killer’s mouth and face. But then, the audience hears a single flute wailing in the background to represent a bunch of single mothers.

  The End

  I170 feel171 like172 a173 plum174 exploded175 in176 my177 pants.178

  Dirty Laundry

  There’s a laundry mat in a horrible part of time and space. It’s completely empty except for the janitor, a lady, some guy, and some kid that nobody messed with, ever. This kid is awesome. He’s doing push-ups while waiting for his laundry. But he stops and flips on his back to see who’s walking through the door. An amazing single mother, wearing a crotchless skirt, enters the mat. The kid is like, “Hey, you. Need some help?” And the single mother is like, “Maybe.” Then they start frenching hard. Everybody tries to stop them because it’s so beautiful. But, out of nowhere, the mother’s children attack and screw up everything. The children are completely covered with serum, so they keep slipping out of everybody’s hands. But the two people are in love and it doesn’t matter. They run out of the laundry mat, away from everyone. Then the lovers jump on bare naked horses and ride through the forest to the top of a castle that’s comp
letely smothered with ponies and bubbles. The kid is like, “Are you ready?” And she’s like, “Second base or third base?” And the kid is like, “Third.” So they start moaning hard, and the townspeople start yelling at the castle for them to stop, because they can’t concentrate on their peasant work. So the couple keeps moaning in spite of the people, but then the peasants start yelling even louder! So the kid stops and goes out to the balcony and says he’s almost done so they can wait. And all the townspeople decide to take a lunch break because it’s that time anyway.

  The End

  Don’t179 worry,180 homey,181 girls182 love183 this184 stuff.185

  Mercedes

  A really old mom covered with rabies trips on the sidewalk and knocks all her teeth out. Nobody will talk to her because of the smell. Plus, she was voted for having the ugliest boobs ever. While laying in a dumpster, a badass kid walks by. He has a full-blown mustache. The elderly mother stands up in the dumpster and says, “Excuse me, sir. What is your name?” And the kid says, “Go back to sleep.” But the lady is like, “I’m completely awake, and fuck you.” The kid says, “Whatever,” which arouses her. She wants him so bad. “Please sir, I have children ...” and three poop stained heads pop out from the garbage bin. But the kid starts to run, because he doesn’t need that crap in his life, and the stupid loser/mom screams, “You can at least tell me your name!” And the kid replies, “They call me Mercedes.”

  The End

  Francine made up the ugliest boobs ever186 part.187 She’s188 a189 genius.190

  How to Tell If a Ninja Is Trying191 to192 Kill You or Trying to Hang Out with You

  Did You Know?

  Dear badass dogs of planet Earth,

  I like you.

  If you suspect that a ninja is around your neighborhood, then you might want to find out if they want to murder you OR just hang out. Once, there was this kid who thought that a ninja wanted to chill with him—so he hung himself from a tree hoping the ninja would come save him to hang out. But yeah right, all the ninja did was tickle his feet while he starved for breath. Somebody messed up. But what’s worse is that this one girl thought a ninja wanted to murder her, so she mailed herself to a space colony, started a new life there, and met a seemingly nice man who would later make her feel unappreciated and fat. But the ninja down on Earth only wanted to gossip and talk about horses and that’s it! So if you too suspect that a ninja is around town, then you need to think first before you do anything. Fortunately, Francine and I created this short list of things to help you out, but it’s not complete, because ninjas are pretty creative. Knowledge, my friend, is the key to living or dying.

  A ninja is trying to hang out with you if ... A ninja is trying to kill you if ...

  There are poop sprinkles in your underpants. Those poop sprinkles in your underpants are glass.

  After pausing your video game and eating lunch, you come back and see that the game has advanced past the part you you could never, ever beat. After returning to your game, you see that you lost all your lives and somebody bukkakied on the TV.

  You find a can of beer in your pillow case. You find a can of root beer in your pillow case.

  When you eat chocolate ice cream, it tastes like spicy chili. When you eat chocolate ice cream, it tastes like a colon.

  While sleeping in a sleeping bag, you eventually wake up. You just keep sleeping.

  When playing at a friend’s house, you end up staying up till you can’t play anymore or just just fall asleep. When playing at your buddy’s place, your mom calls for you to come home, but she sounds super scared.

  Inside your lunch bag, you find amazing candy treats that would make even the strongest kid drip urine. In your lunch bag, you find raw carrots and dandruff.

  While picking your nose, you find a chocolate chip. While picking your nose, you find a chocolate chip.

  Dealing with Ninjas on a Personal Level

  Did You Know?

  Ninjas totally respect life and enjoy plants and animals, but remember, they are completely willing to kill you if you start acting like a retard.

  If a ninja wants to kill you there’s pretty much nothing you can do. You can tell all your family that you hate them before you go, but that’s about it. But if you think you’re lucky, you could try putting a bowl of chili outside your window. If a ninja is about to kill you and he’s sneaking through your window, he might see the chili, eat it, and come inside your room and hug you while you’re sleeping, holding you in his arms, rocking you back and forth, wishing for a better life for you, somewhere far away from here. If this happens, then just lie there and enjoy it. And don’t move either, because I heard that there was one kid who woke up and the ninja was really embarrassed, and it got pretty weird for everybody involved.

  Other than that, there isn’t much you can do. And don’t try to run either, ’cause it won’t work—these guys are ninjas. But let’s say a ninja does want to hang out with you. What if you screw up and look like a moron? Then what? Nobody’s going to like you, that’s what. Here’s a little guide to dealing with ninjas when you encounter one:

  Arranging Rides

  If a ninja can’t get over to your house, he can’t hang out with you. It sounds simple, but people often forget. Ask your mom if she’ll pick him up. If she can’t, then ask if the ninja can get a ride over if your mom will give him a ride home. As long as one parent isn’t doing all the driving, no one’s going to feel overburdened.

  Conversation

  Now, after saying hello, you need to keep the conversation going. Don’t just sit there and stare at him, no matter how awesome he is. Ninjas know how sweet they are, and they don’t need people telling them every second. Try to bring up topics they enjoy, even if you’re not into it that much, like spacecrafts, dead people, or fire. Act interested in what they’re talking about—this will make them want to be with you and hang out next time you ask. Here are some questions you can use to get the conversation started:

  What’s your favorite weapon?

  Do you use evil or good magic? Why?

  What’s the dumbest thing you ever heard somebody say?

  Oh, man that would be so awesome to kill people for money. Dude, how many people have you killed? Were you scared?

  What type of music are you into?

  Are you having any trouble at home?

  Sharing

  Now a ninja might want to play with your things. Let him, because even if he breaks your stuff it can be replaced, but your life cannot. BUT if he gets too pushy and doesn’t give you a turn, you need to say something like, “Umm. Hello. I would like to play with that now.” ’Cause, if you act like a wimp, the ninja will think you’re worthless, because you don’t have anyone else and you really need this. By acting like a wimpy baby, you give the ninja permission to mistreat you. And that doesn’t have to happen.

  Acting Cool

  Once you get a ninja in your room, don’t lose it and start screaming out the window for your friends to come over and look at him. That would be pretty annoying, especially if a ninja just wants to chill. Just pretend that it’s cool that he came over and you’re not going to crap your pants about it. Put on some music and make sure that you relax, too. Remember, it’s your house! A lot of people forget that when they have guests over, and they end up not enjoying themselves at all. But the whole point of hanging out is having fun.

  Also, pretend that this type of thing happens a lot. And think of some cool stuff to say like, “Yo, there’s this guy in my school, he says he can hold his breath for over twenty minutes, but nobody believes him.” And tell the ninja about cool stuff you can do, without sounding like you’re bragging, like, “Yo, one time I kicked a soccer ball so hard it knocked out this kid’s retainer. Everybody was laughing their asses off. It was pretty awesome. You should have been there.” Now, that one got me invited to a barmitzvah once, but you can’t use it—that’s my line.193

  Petting

  After you guys have hung out for a couple h
ours, a ninja might try to sniff your hand. Don’t freak out. He’s just getting to know you. You must speak softly in a lovely voice. This will put him at ease. And don’t make any sudden moves. Now, when petting, make sure to hold your hand PALM DOWN. If you have your palm up, he might think you’re going to hit him, because someone might have hit him in the past. Then you can begin to pet. Make sure to go with the fur, otherwise they might get colicky. After you’re done petting, wash your hands. You can pick up diseases from their fur, like E. coli.194 So don’t forget to wash your fingers, before stuffing them back in your mouth.