12. What would a ninja do with a hot babe? A. Stay up all night with her and make a list of all the qualities she would want in a future husband
B. Cut out pictures in magazines of dream houses with her and make a huge collage
C. Become vulnerable to her by revealing his deepest darkest secrets and actively listening to her and connecting with her emotionally and spiritually
D. Pork
Now, every correct answer counts for one point, even the hard ones. Add your score together to figure out what belt you are!
The Nine Belts of Power
Score 0–1
White Belt Diaper Baby You’re just starting out—so what did you expect? Get a life or go back to bed.
Score 2–3
Yellow Belt Butthole Self-explanatory.
Score 4–5
Green Belt Idiot You’re probably just like everybody else. Boring and scared.
Score 6–7
Orange Belt Moron Either you’re hopeless or you just need to concentrate.
Score 8–9
Blue Belt Guy You’re alright.
Score 10–11
Purple Belt Dude You’re almost there. Maybe you’re not pumped up enough ...
Score 12
Black Belt Ninja You have REAL Ultimate Power. Don’t let anybody ever tell you that you’re not good enough, cause you’re a ninja and nobody can take that away.268
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Robert Hamburger has a black belt in Street Fighter 2, and a second degree black belt in Mortal Kombat 1–3. He can kick or punch the wall without feeling pain. He has studied ninjas for several weeks and has watched a ton of movies about them. Robert lives with a bunch of hot babes and porks them whenever he wants. This is his first book.
DISCLAIMER
Good evening. Killing people, individually or a bunch at a time, is an art—a very cool art. You should only do it if you are completely sure you are totally sweet. (Many people think they’re pretty cool, but they’re not. I’m sure you know someone like this—maybe a friend or a relative. You just need to keep away from these people—they don’t know anything. There was this one kid, you probably don’t know him, but he thought he was so frigg’n sweet, and you know what? He wasn’t.) So if you don’t have what it takes—I mean, REAL Ultimate Power—you probably need to chill. No joke.
269 270 271 272 273
ABOUT THE ARTIST
James Novy is awesome at drawing. He has lived next door to Robert for a couple years. When he heard that Robert was going to make a book about ninjas James wanted to help out real bad. His favorite things are baseball, surfing, martial arts, and ninjas.
Publisher’s Note: Parental advisory—immature content. Please do not do anything described in this book. Also, please respect bedtimes and other people.
CITADEL PRESS BOOKS are published by
Kensington Publishing corp.
850 Third Avenue
New York, NY 10022
Real Ultimate Power
Copyright © 2004 Robert Hamburger
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the publisher, excepting brief quotes used in reviews.
CITADEL PRESS and the Citadel logo are Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.
All interior illustrations courtesy James Novy, except pp. 132-35
Library of Congress Control Number: 2003113141
ISBN: 978-0-8065-2569-3
Notes
1 Hey Robert! It’s me, John.
2 What the heck! This is my book. What are you doing here?
3 Well, I know that I’m only your baby-sitter, but I could help you out with the book, if you like. I’m a student of philosophy and I could make corrections and clear up misunderstandings the reader may have. You’d be surprised how making a few technical distinctions can save a work from an unneeded diarrhea burst.
4 That’s frigg’n disgusting! I don’t want that to happen. You can be my editor or something.
5 Hey Robert, that was a really good crack at it—you should submit it to the school paper or something. While you are completely correct in stating that ninjas exist, you are not justified in concluding that ninjas exist from your argument: that huge bang might have been a raccoon, or your drunken father. So I’ve added a little argument here to support your claim.
The Ontological Proof of Ninjas
When we talk about the ninja, we are talking about the sweetest being ever—that is, we are talking about the being than which nothing sweeter can be conceived. So, when we conceive of the ninja in our mind, we conceive of the being than which nothing sweeter can be conceived. But consider this: Is it sweeter to exist only in the mind or to exist both in the mind and in reality—outside the mind? Certainly, it is much sweeter to exist also in reality—flipping out and wailing on guitars is much sweeter when someone is actually doing it. So when we conceive of the sweetest being ever, we are conceiving of the being that exists both in the mind and in reality. Since the ninja is that being than which nothing sweeter can be conceived and that being exists in the mind and in reality, the ninja exists in reality. Thus the ninja exists—John, ed.
6 John, that was totally sweet. I think I just crapped my pants.
7 Me, too.
8 Encyclopedia Britannica, volume N.
9 I went to check your sources in the Encyclopedia Britannica. I guess someone ripped out several pages in the “N” section. If you know where they might be, let me know. I’m not saying that you did it or anything. I just want to make sure you understand that it’s not cool to rip up books you don’t like or disagree with. How about we just leave the facts as they are until we find those missing pages—John, ed.
10 Check out Exhibit A in the Appendix and Exhibits to see a rough draft of a paper I did while on Ritalin and then the final draft, Exhibit B, when I got off Ritalin.
11 Not bad. Looks like you’re starting to understand different types of paradoxes. But there is another paradox you may have missed. You say that ninjas flip out, but many contemporary philosophers take that to mean ninjas lose their cool. They argue that since ninjas lose their cool they aren’t cool, but you’ve obviously shown that ninjas are very cool or totally sweet. The problem with their argument is the equivocation of the word “cool.” Sometimes, we take a word in a true sentence and change the meaning of it for more interesting results. In accepting the new meaning, we leave behind the meaning that originally lead us to believe that the sentence was true. Furthermore, we often believe that the new sentence is true, because we think that it’s the same sentence as the original. Take the sentence, “Ninjas don’t keep their cool,” which means that ninjas don’t keep an easy going temperament, which is obviously true. But, one might take the meaning of “cool” in the above sentence to be their ability to be cool. On the latter interpretation of “cool,” ninjas don’t keep their ability to be cool, which leads us to believe that ninjas aren’t cool or aren’t totally sweet. So, one might be tempted to believe that since “ninjas don’t keep their cool” is true, the sentence “ninjas aren’t cool” is true. But there is no reason to accept that ninjas can’t keep their ability to be cool, if we believe that ninjas don’t keep an easy going temperament. An easy going temperament and an ability to be cool are two independent properties. That is to say, an object may have one property without having the other. We only believe that the truth of the sentence “ninjas don’t keep their cool” leads to the truth of the sentence “ninjas aren’t cool” if we equivocate the meaning of cool in the former sentence with the meaning of cool in the latter case, which is, all together, an unjustified move. So ninjas don’t keep their cool and ninjas are cool.—John, ed.
12 John, I don’t understand what you said, but it sounds pretty frigg’n sweet. Keep doing it, ’cause it makes my book sound deep.
13 Hell yeah, dude. Since ninjas are so mysterious, philosophers have been arguing about them for ages. I’m sure I can find more stuff
like this.
14 Did she really say that?—John, ed.
15 Yep.
16 Dude, your mom’s a dick!
17 I told you!
18 Personally, I think that the ninja sword is the sweetest weapon. It’s a bold statement, I know. Though, I could be an advocate of ninja stars someday, but it really depends on the circumstances.
19 Francine and I were super bored one day and tried to go find some naked ladies. We waited outside this drugstore till we saw this guy come out. We were like, “Dude, buy us a Playboy?” and he was like, “Got money?” So we gave him ten bucks and waited outside. But then, he busted out of the store and said, “You guys stay right here. They just called the cops, and you’re busted.” When he went back inside the store, we frigg’n ran. Francine ran down one street and I ran down another, I can’t remember which. I was running for like TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT. But then, out of nowhere, this car started flying down the road, and I jumped right into a bunch of bushes and scratched up my face and legs and everything. I hid there till nightfall. Francine ran straight home and waited till I got back. We were so freaked out that we both slept in the same sleeping bag that night.
20 Man, dude, you remind me of when I was obsessed with fire engines. I loved them so much that I wanted to be one when I grew up. Isn’t that stupid?—John, ed.
21 No, it’s not! If you really love something, then why not?
22 Maybe you’re right. It’s too bad that no matter how much you love something, whether it’s a rock band or a video game or ninjas, and you tell yourself that you’re always gonna love them, one day you just won’t. Even if you still want to like that thing, whatever it is, it begins to lose its magic. And by the time you realize that you might not always love catapults, or whatever, it has already begun.
23 Robert!
24 What, Mom!
25 Why are you always writing this crap?! You only talk about flipping out and killing people and that’s no good! How would you like it if somebody killed you?
26 I don’t care.
27 What?! I am going to tell your Dad and he’s gonna beat your ass! Write some nice things right now until your father gets home!
28 I like this part, Robert. See how good it is to be nice?
29 Dude, I think your Dad pulled in the driveway. You’d better get of here! —John, ed.
30 Robert!!!! Get down here right now! Did you honestly think that you could get away with making a poem like this, writing about nice things and making them bad? That’s wrong and you know it! What kind of hippos kill people? And they were nice hippos, too! Why can’t you be nice and normal? I know why—you’re retarded. Well, you know what? I can get loco, too. How about getting your ass beat with balloons? Will that work, hombre?
31 Robert, when are you going to stop this ninja crap?
32 But Mom, I’m expressing myself!
33 Who ever told you to express yourself?
34 Mom, do you love me?
35 Of course I love you! You’re my son!
36 But Mom, what if I weren’t your son? Would you still love me then?
37 Probably not.
38 Oh.
39 Mom, am I important?
40 Of course you are!
41 But why, Mom?
42 You just are.
43 Yeah, but why?
44 Because you are!
45 Can’t you think of anything?
46 What do you want me to say!
47 Anything!
48 Go to bed!
49 Robert, this is the future you.
50 What?
51 Yup.
52 Oh, wow. What’s your problem?
53 I came back to warn you.
54 Warn me! About what?
55 On Friday, November 15, 2014 at 2:16 P.M., you will think you have to fart. But that fart feeling is just a poop feeling in disguise. And the future you (me) pushes hard enough to let loose a cube of charcoal that rolls out of your pant leg. And guess what? Your boss sees EVERYTHING.
56 No- way!
57 For real. So on Friday, November 15, just chill. Alright?
58 You know, Robert, I was thinking. I know you’ve been having trouble with your friends and parents. We’re all trying to overcome that part of our lives. —John, ed.
59 Wait, what?
60 Well, you really can’t stop talking about them. I don’t know what to tell you about Mark, but maybe this story will help you out with your mom and dad. When I was ten, I thought my parents were rotten, too. They made me do chores and vacuum and come home before dark. I felt I had no freedom, like they were trying to control me like an animal, and I would get so mad. But something terrible happened—my parents were in a near fatal car crash. They went out to pick up some groceries at a nearby market, and a moose walked out into the street. But they drove around it. But before my parents got home, they hit a bump and, because their seat belts weren’t fastened, they both popped out the sunroof. Fortunately, they lived and were only in the hospital for a short time. But for the next few weeks, I had to do my own laundry, pack my lunch, and even spank myself when I misbehaved. But, pretty soon, I started to miss having parents around, making sure I was safe and punishing me. The thing is, they understood me just about as much as I understood them. They weren’t trying to control me because of some sick fetish. They were just trying to teach me and keep me safe. Do you understand what I’m saying, Robert?
61 Is that you, Mom? Get out of here!
62 Look, you little shit.
63
64 Look at me when I’m talking to you!
65 What.
66 I know you’ve been speaking a lot of crap about me in your book. But I don’t understand why. You came directly out of my vagina—you owe me. So what’s your problem? Can you please stop embarrassing your father and me? How would you like it if I were to embarrass you? How would you like it if I went to your school and started making out with your classmates? I bet you’d feel pretty stupid. And just picture me hanging out at the playground topless, or ovulating in your lunch bag. Now chill out, you little son of a bitch.
67 Hey Robert, that’s kinda like you. You’re the teacher going back into the hole, don’t you think?—John, ed.
68 I don’t know what I am.
69 Mom, do you believe in me?
70 What do you mean believe in you?
71 You know. Do you think I could do anything I want to?
72 I don’t think you could fly or see the future.
73 No, Mom! I mean like be President or something?
74 Doubt it.
75 What about Governor?
76 Nope.
77 Mayor?
78 How big is the town?
79 REALLY SMALL.
80 How small?
81 A couple people.
82 Maybe.
83 MOM!
84 What!
85 Look!
86 What!
87 I’m doing the splits!
88 That’s dumb.
89 Dude, I found this note plastered on several trees in the neighborhood. Would you happen to know anything about it?—John, ed.
Dear Anybody,
If you would like to kidnap me, then please go right ahead. I can vacuum and I have a dog that’s awesome. I can’t do back flips yet, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be able to in the future.
I get out of school around 3:30. You could do it then or when I take out the trash on Saturday mornings, around eight o’clock. But I go right back to bed after I take out the trash—so you probably won’t see me outside till later that afternoon. Sometimes my dog and I wrestle outside on the front lawn, but we don’t have a set time for that kind of stuff. You could just wait across the street in a van or black Cadillac and strike whenever. Or, you could send me a signal, maybe a note taped to the dog, that tells me where and when and then I’ll make sure to be there and go limp when you start chasing me. Is that cool?
Hope to be hearing from you,
your future r
oommate,
Robert
90 No way! I didn’t write that. That must be the other Robert—the one down the street.
91 But he’s over fifty years old!
92 Yeah, but he’s having trouble at home.
93 I had no idea.
94 Robert, I think you’ve hit something very important here. What makes something totally sweet? Is it because people think it’s sweet? Or is it because there’s some necessary property of the ninja that makes it totally sweet? That is, ninjas are sweet regardless of what people think about them, because the characteristic of being a ninja implies being sweet. Let me define some terms first. A necessary property is a property an object has because it follows from another property the object is defined as having. For example, suppose I define a triangle as a three sided figure. From the property of being three sided, it follows that a triangle has the necessary property of having three corners, because if the triangle didn’t have three corners, it couldn’t have three connecting sides. Simple enough. Further, a contingent property is a property that doesn’t follow from properties an object is defined as having. Taking our above definition of triangle, it doesn’t follow that a triangle has to have sides of equal length, since a figure can have three sides of differing lengths and still be a triangle. O.K., now the question remains whether sweetness is a necessary or contingent property of a ninja. If it’s a necessary property, then a ninja is sweet no matter what. If it’s contingent, then, I hate to say it, it’s possible that a ninja might not be sweet. Although ninjas don’t like to be defined, we’ll do so for the purposes of this argument. Let’s say that a ninja is a being that flips out and kills people, walls on guitars, and porks more babes than anybody. Now we have to ask if it’s possible to be flipping out and kill people, wail on guitars, and pork more babes than anybody and not be sweet. Needless to say, the answer is no. Nobody can do all that stuff and not be sweet. So sweetness is a necessary property of ninjas. So ninjas are sweet no matter what.—John, ed.
Real Ultimate Power Page 13
