95 Robert, go to bed RIGHT NOW!
96 O.K., Mom.
97 What was that?
98
99 Yeah, that’s what I thought! You know it’s not too late to send you to an orphanage, with that attitude you’ve got. And I’ll do it, too. Watch me. You just be thankful that you’ve got a roof over your head and parents that tolerate you very much.
100 I was thinking, Robert, doesn’t being pumped all the time make you tired?—John, ed.
101 I have to sleep once in a while, but when I do, I do it hard. I slam my head into the pillow.
102 Though, not just any relative could be one. There’s no way moms are ninjas.
103 Yeah, a lot of people get that confused. Some are inclined to believe that moms may be ninjas, but this belief is obviously false when we consider the properties of moms and ninjas. If a mom is a ninja, then a mom is numerically identical to a ninja—that is, they are one and the same object. Two objects are numerically identical if and only if they have all the same properties (intrinsic and relational). Intrinsic properties are properties an object has in and of itself, not in relation to other objects—having a particular genetic makeup is an intrinsic property. Relational properties are properties that an object has in relation to other objects—having cut off Billy’s head is a relational property. Suppose that moms and ninjas are numerically identical. Now, let’s look at the properties of moms and ninjas. Both ninjas and moms scream a lot—so they both have the property of screaming. But, moms will always try to stop you from flipping out, while ninjas get pissed when you don’t. So, ninjas have the property of wanting you to flip out, while moms don’t. But, if moms and ninjas were numerically identical, then moms and ninjas would have all the same properties. But, as we can see above, ninjas have a property that moms don’t have. So moms and ninjas don’t have all the same properties. So, moms and ninjas aren’t numerically identical! So, a mom cannot be a ninja.—John, ed.
104 What a relief. Thanks, John. I thought that was true, but I didn’t know how to express it. Now I feel pumped and peaceful.
105 No problem, homey.
106 You know what would be badass?—John, ed.
107 What?
108 Somebody driving a car while they’re doing the splits. They’d have each leg hanging out a window and their torso sticking out the sunroof.
109 Dude! That would be so sweet. But how are they going to hit the gas?
110 Levers, duh!
111 Dude, check out what I found on the kitchen counter!—John, Ed.
112 What is it?
113 Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger,
Notes to parents are rarely welcome and I’m sorry to say that this one is no different. We often make mistakes in our fives we’d rather not take credit for, like my taking this job and, I suspect, you having Robert.
During class discussion, your son Robert has consistently produced an erection, preventing the other children from learning, and
I will not have that in my school. Furthermore, he has encouraged the popular kids (who are awesome) to tease him regularly. And it’s hard enough trying to run a school without kids screaming and yelling cuss words all day.
At times like these, it’s comforting to know that our children have some understanding of right and wrong. Robert is missing this quality. So, I am asking your permission to spank your son at school, maybe between classes or during lunch time, depending on how my day is going. I don’t know if that’s permitted in your home and, if it’s not, maybe it’s time to come over to our side. Kids Robert’s age need to know that bad behavior will result in painful spankings, just like in real life. How are you supposed to explain to these kids that they shouldn’t do something wrong, harmful, or disrespectful, when they don’t even understand that they can’t survive in space without a helmet or that an erection isn’t made from real bone? Now, if you would like to talk in person about spanking techniques and bedtimes, feel free to give my secretary a call and set up an appointment. If you could get back to me as soon as possible, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you,
Dr. Shram, Ph.D.
And look, here’s the reply letter!
Dear Dr. Shram,
You cannot imagine the embarrassment I endure when Robert “loses it” in front of people who don’t know Rick and me. I want to tell them it’s not our fault and that we have perfectly nice lives when he’s not around. For example, I got a new job and I’m doing great. A lot of parents complain that their child has trouble in school or is hyperactive. I’d give anything for a kid who was just hyperactive. So, we don’t care what you do. We are so proud to have you in our school district. Let us know if you need any help at school, too. Maybe Rick and I could chaperon some event—anything where we can yell at people. We’ll do what it takes to make this community a nice, normal place.
Yours,
Rick and Charlotte
114 IT’S A FRIGG’N CONSPIRACY!
115 Dude, what are we gonna do?
116 Dude, I don’t know!
Let’s change the letter.
117 Dude, can we do that?
118 Why not? You dictate what you want me to write. O.K.?
119 O.K.
Dear Principal,
What’s your problem? Robert’s cool. So get a life and don’t bother me with this trivial crap. You DON’T have permission to spank Robert, because he’s above that. Oh, and, by the way, have you ever tried to shut-up? If not, you should try it sometime—I hear it works.
Au revoir,
Robert’s parents, both of them
P.S. Don’t mail letters here anymore, because if you do, we’ll kill you.
120 Dude, we can’t send that!
121 FRIGG’N SEND IT—IT’S AWESOME!
122 Man, how much can one person talk about ninjas? I still can’t believe that after all this time, you’re still into them.—John, ed.
123 Well, they’re awesome!
124 Yeah, yeah. I know. And I know your parents suck, too. But, I can’t help thinking that your obsession is causing at least some of your problems. Listen, I used to work at a telemarketing company once, and there was a guy there who was obsessed with bees. He’d always read magazines about honey during his breaks. And he’d talk to the other co-workers about their experiences with bees and stinging. But the problem was that he was just too into them. When he would call people to market a product, he would just end up asking them to look in their backyard and see if there were hives back there. Then, he’d start sweating when they described what they saw. So, the boss got pretty annoyed. And after a while, nobody wanted to talk to him, because he was just too weird. His problem was that he didn’t try to adjust himself to the world.
125 But why couldn’t the world adjust to him?
126 Man, I don’t know. It’s not that easy. You’re a cool kid and I don’t want you to be that guy when you grow up.
127 I guess you’re right. Bees are pretty retarded.
128 “No turkey sandwiches?” Fuck that kid. He needs to get his ass beat. —John, ed.
129 How do you understand so much, John?
130 Deliveryl I’ve got a letter here for Mr. Robert Hamburger. Is that you, little man?
131 Uh-huh.
132 Hey, what are you playing there? Is that Nintendo?
133 Yeah.
134 What games you got?
135 Dude, get out of here.
136 I want to kill that bitch, Diane.
137 No, you don’t.
138 What!
139 You’re going to finish your book.
140 Francine! I love you so much!
141 I love you too, Robert.
142 So how are we going to get her back?
143 That’s the thing—we’re not, because Diane’s just trying to work out her own stuff, and that doesn’t have anything to do with you. Besides, she’s retarded. Robert, you will succeed where your parents and neighbors didn’t. You will use your power to become the sweetest n
inja ever. Do you understand?
144 Are you my real mom?
145 No, way! We’re homies!
146 Robert, I was thinking we could try something different. I want you to look at the girl in this photograph. Can you guess what emotion she’s expressing?
147 She’s hanging out, Francine. Duh!
148 Well, hanging out isn’t exactly an emotion. Does she look angry to you?
149 She’s pumped.
150 Robert, what makes you so angry?
151 I don’t know.
152 Do you like girls, Robert?
153 Francine, I can’t stand them! They’re so weird. Plus, they’re so into horses. Drawing pictures of them and always talking about them. It’s pretty annoying.
154 Do you think it would be a good to learn more about them? Would you ever like to have a girlfriend?
155 I guess so. I mean, I’ll probably have to get one before I pass on. It’s part of living, I guess.
156 Just think about it. That’s all.
157 Excuse me. EXCUSE ME! I would like a sentence or paragraph with you.
158 What.
159 IS THIS YOUR BOOK? I found this piece of crap RIGHT WITHIN THE REACH OF MY KIDS! I don’t want them to reading this kind of stuff.
160 Wait! You actually read my book?
161 Yeah, so?
162 Really? The whole thing?
163 I read everything. Even the poem about the hippos that appeared nice and normal but really weren’t, which was pure evil.
164 Cool.
165 Hey John, do you have pubes?
166 Yeah.
167 How many?
168 I don’t know—like two thousand.
169 Holy crap!
170 Ms. Evans.
171 What!
172 Did you like my script?
173 It’s horrible.
174 Do you want to drink pop and hold hands all night?
175 What! I’m a single mother of three boys! I don’t need this right now!
176 Wait! I could be their dad or something. Then we could be together forever, like friends with benefits. Is that cool?
177 You’re ten years old! I’m not for you! Besides, you don’t need a wife or a girl-friend, you need a child psychologist.
178 Haven’t you ever been pumped about something?
179 Damnit! Is that supposed to be us?
180 Maybe.
181 Well it’s never gonna happen!
182 But you are fully developed and—
183 —and you are a moron.
184 No, I’m not. I’m different than other boys my age. I can do the splits!
185 Get the fuck out of here.
186 Hey man, don’t sweat it. There’s a girl out there just for you. You just have to be patient.—John, ed.
187 You mean I have to wait a couple hours.
188 More or less.
189 Well, there’s this one girl in my class, Dawn—you don’t know her. She’s alright, except her right arm is all gnarled up. According to some specific parties, she told several people she likes me because of my mind, but I think it’s just her vagina talking.
190 Maybe she really likes you.
191 Dude, this isn’t entirely correct. With what you said so far, stating that ninjas try may lead to some inconsistency. Trying implies a possibility of failure and that would contradict the sweetness of the ninja. Consider whether a ninja may fail to hang out with another person: if that person has a free will, they could choose not to hang out with the ninja. In such a case there is the possibility that the ninja fails to hang out with someone with which they choose to hang. Since the ninja fails, he’s not that sweet. But many who give this particular argument fail to account for the Total Sweetness of the ninja. A few people have tried to resist hanging out with a ninja, but have always failed. The pure sweetness germinating from the ninja makes it impossible to resist their temptation. People may have other motives contrary to hanging out with the ninja, but these motives are infinitely weaker than the motive to be near such Total Sweetness. Furthermore, with Total Sweetness in mind, consider this corollary: if we take the garden variety conception of free will, where there must be at least two possible choices for one to freely choose, then free will is non-existent. There is only one possible choice, if a ninja wants to hang out with you, you must hang out. Therefore, because of the total sweetness of the ninja, the general conception of free will is lacking and a more sophisticated version is required for a coherent theory of free will.—John, ed.
192 If a ninja wanted to hang with me, I’d be like, “Yes.” Man, I wish there were some ninjas around here to chill with. I wish I could go find some.
193 There was this one kid in my class that was really into robots. I don’t know what his deal was, but it was pretty annoying. That’s all he would talk about. We could be talking about girls, and he’d start talking about how awesome it would be to have a robot girlfriend that you could make love to, and she wouldn’t ever make fun of you ’cause that’s how she was programmed. Even though a robot girl sounded cool, nobody could stand being around him for longer than a minute. And I hated him too, because he said I was his only friend. He’d always ask to hang out, but I would say I had to do chores or something, which was true, but I would have lied if it weren’t. One day, we were all playing soccer. He picked me to be on his team. And, not surprisingly, during the whole game he pretended to be a robot: he’d walk real slow and make beeping sounds, like we weren’t trying to win or anything! I pulled him off the field and told him, “Act like a kid and stop obsessing over something so frigg’n stupid. Who gives a crap about robots, anyway? You’re no robot. You’re a fucking nobody!” I wanted to help him, but he started to cry, which made me madder and, before I knew it, I was hitting him in the face. I just wanted him to play soccer and act like a normal kid.
194 E. coli stands for Escherichia coli. It’s basically a virus that can get into your stomach and make trouble. Encyclopedia Britannica, Volume E.
195 Don’t believe me? Check out this note where Maria McGillis talks about me. I’m famous! See Exhibit C, in Appendix and Exhibits.
196 Now, Robert. I was thinking we could try out a little exercise. This may sound strange, but I want you to draw an Easter egg—however you like. Just let yourself go free, wherever it takes you. Find that scary place and explore so you don’t feel afraid anymore.
197 Oh. O.K., Francine. Where do you want me to draw the egg?
198 Right here, in your book!
199 O.K.. that’s a start. But I want you to really explore. Really explore!
200 Better, a little crazy, but that’s O.K. Try harder. Squeeze it out of yourself.
201 Wait. What’s going on! Who’s that? Is that you? Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!
202 Holy crap! Who are you, Robert Hamburger?
203 Dammit, Robert, you are NOT a ninja! Get the wig.
204 No!
205 What?
206 I said, no!
207 Get over here, you fucking retard.
208 Now, put on the wig!
Real Ultimate Power Page 14
