209 No! It itches. Ahhhhh, my nipples!
210 Now, get in the box!
211 Can I keep the lid open this time?
212 Shut up!
213 John, you’ve got to get me out of here. I’ve got to escape. They only keep me around so they can claim me as a dependant on their taxes. Don’t believe me? Look at Exhibit E! Can you drive me to the bus station or something? I’m going to Japan/China.
214 I don’t know, man. That would be kidnapping and I can’t get anything else on my record.
215 It’s not kidnapping when the kid wants to go!
216 Can’t you wait a couple years till they grow out of it? Just try to stay out of their way and keep quiet till you’re old enough to move out on your own. It worked for me.
I have to go, John. I’m a ninja and stuff. Are you going to help me?
217 I was thinking, Robert. If you weren’t so pumped all the time, then maybe you wouldn’t get yourself in all the trouble that you do—John, ed.
218 Are you serious?
219 Listen, man. One time I was applying for jobs and I thought that if I acted like myself, then they’d think I was cool and hire me. But if they didn’t like it, then I wouldn’t want to work there anyway. So I showed up to the interview wearing a diaper with a matching baby-bonnet. And needless to say, I didn’t get the job or any other job when I acted like that. It’s just that you have to sometimes hide those things about yourself that people don’t like. Don’t get me wrong. You don’t have to act that way all the time. You can express yourself when you’re alone in your room, but otherwise you won’t be able to fit in. And sometimes fitting in is important. So, for your own sake, maybe you should try expressing your love for ninjas quietly or in a more constructive way, and maybe you could try not to be so pumped up all the time. Maybe you would have gotten into that ninja clan if you were a little calmer.
220 Are you sure, John? It just doesn’t feel right.
221 It’s just a thought.
222 How do you feel, Robert?
223 I feel—
224 Does it feel like you’ve had amnesia for years and you just now remembered that you’re the king of the sweetest country on Earth and you own a gigantic bicycle that can seat over a hundred people?
225 Francine, I love you, but you need to speak English once in a while.
226 For further information about kicking, please see Exhibit D, Appendix and Exhibits.
227 What did you do that for? I spent forty bucks on that!—John, ed.
228 Why did you bring that other kid over?
229 I told you—I had to baby-sit you and one of Ms. Evans’s boys at the same time.
230 So what now? Are you best buds with everybody in the neighborhood? Are you some kind of friend slut?
231 No. But you have some REAL Ultimate Issues.
232 By issues, you mean Power.
233 Hey, come here.
234 Yeah, what?
235 Is the coast clear?
236 What?
237 The note, I saw it. I’ve come to take you away from this place.
238 KIDNAP ME?
239 Yeah!
240 Do you mean it?
241 Of course! I got the car running and I made a little bed for you in the living room. There’s a refrigerator box for you to play in and everything.
242 But what if you stop liking me after a couple days?
243 Well, you’re going to have to trust me. I’m taking a risk too, you know—you might tear apart my house or rip up the carpet, but I trust that you won’t.
244 But what if I accidentally rip up the carpet and I really didn’t mean it, but, at the time, it looked like I did. Then what?
245 Just get in the fucking car!
246 What’s your problem?
247 I’m sorry. I wasn’t attacking you. I was only verbalizing my frustration, and I value your opinion. You’re just not what I expected, and you surprised me.
248 Well, you’re not that great either.
249 Well, maybe we should just call this whole thing off!
250 Maybe we should!
251 Dad, do you know where Francine’s at? I can’t find her anywhere.
252 She ran away.
253 How do you know, Dad?
254 Well, I’d run away too if I had to hang out with a retard everyday.
255 She wouldn’t do that!
256 Well, she’s gone. Get used to it.
257 John.
258 Yeah.
259 Take this.
260 This is your book. What do you want me to do with it?
261 I’m leaving and somebody has to spread the word about ninjas and most, importantly, REAL Ultimate Power. Plus, I’m done with everybody’s crap, even yours.
262 I’m not the enemy, man. I was just trying to help you out. Everyone was in their own way, I guess. What about your parents? Don’t you think they’ll worry?
263 Look, amigo, sometimes there comes somebody, maybe once every couple thousand years, who is just too sweet for parents. I have a feeling that person is me.
264 So this is it, huh? Do you need a ride?
265 I don’t need a ride to where I’m going.
266 Alright, whatever.
267 Galapagos turtles are members of the reptilian family. These animals are found on the Galapagos Islands and at zoos for people to look at. They are best known for their size and age. They can get up to two-hundred-years-old! (Encyclopedia Britannica, Volume G, p. 57.)
268 If you didn’t do that well on the test, you can still be a ninja. So don’t get too worried.
269 Francine.
270 Yes, Robert.
271 Where are we?
272 I don’t know. Are you pumped?
273 Are you kidding? I’m ALWAYS pumped.
Real Ultimate Power Page 15
