Too wicked for...Hell!

by Richard Hennerley

  Too wicked for…Hell!

  “We are ruled by psychopaths”

  This tale is taken from my book ‘Another Curious Little Book’, available to buy now.

  First Published in 2016 Copyright © 2016 Richard Hennerley. All rights reserved. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and should not be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For more information e-mail all enquiries to reallyreallynovel@gmail.com

  Too Wicked For Hell

  Part 1. Execution

  Once upon a time in the land of Anywhere, in a world long since forgotten, in the fine and prosperous city of Anyplace, and in the land all around, there was, for a short and happy time, a kind of Golden Age. If you’re already a student of Anywhere you’ll know that this Golden age came about after Generations Of Struggle against Social Injustice and two Catastrophic And Immensely Bloody Wars with the nearby land of Anotherplace.

  During this Golden Age, the grip of the Greedy One Percent that had controlled, and abused, society for centuries was finally broken. Education, housing and healthcare were considered to be rights for all, progressive and redistributive taxes were introduced and some members of the rapist Greedy One Percent were even made to Pay The Price for their self-serving criminality.

  One such character was The Politician. You see, it had become obvious to the Ordinary Folk (for during the Golden Age the Means Of Communication actually investigated and reported on issues rather than being a conduit for lies and propaganda) that the two wars with Anotherplace, that had cost so many lives, had not been about ‘democracy’ or ‘freedom’ but about The Greedy One Percent’s desire to destroy Independent Sovereign Nations in order to Plunder their Resources.

  For his part in so enthusiastically enabling the second war with Anotherplace (at the behest of his Greedy One Percent owners), The Politician was put on trial for Spreading Malicious Lies, Demonising The Innocent To Justify Killing Them, Starting An Illegal War and Sundry War Crimes. There was much rejoicing amongst the Ordinary Folk when The Politician was Found Guilty Of All Charges and sentenced to death by hanging.

  And so it was that The Politician’s corrupt, self-serving and immensely destructive life was extinguished at the end of a rope. And as the body swung lifelessly in the air, its soul exited the earthly remains. Upon which event, highly specialised computer systems somewhere in a far off, dusty corner of Heaven (at the least those are the best terms I can think to describe what happened, for the mechanics of Heavenly Bureaucracy are beyond the whit and ken of mere mortals) sprang automatically into action. The celestial and spiritual equivalent of bytes and megabytes were crunched, reams and reams of data analysed in a flash. A life was balanced, weighed, judged and a passport was issued for The Politician – a passport straight to Hell:

  Dear The Politician,

  Congratulations on your recent death and thank you for your interest in joining God and his Angelic Cohort in Heaven. Regretfully, I have to inform that on this occasion your application has not been successful. However, alternative accommodation has been found for you in Hell.

  We very much hope you enjoy your stay.

  Yours eternally,

  The Heavenly Bureaucracy.

  So far, so good, you think, an evil individual dispatched to Hell. That’s as it should be, is it not?

  Not quite.

  For you see, upon reaching Hell, The Politician, rather than being terrified and suffering, found it all rather convivial. Everywhere The Politician looked pain and suffering could be found. People being boiled alive, people being forced to watch as their intestines were ripped out, people rolling boulders up never-ending hills whilst being ferociously whipped, people being savagely raped by horse-hung and hugely tumescent demons and, worst of all, people chained to the spot and having to listen to ‘One Direction’ songs played on a continuous (continuous as in forever) loop…

  As both a Connoisseur And Expert in pain and suffering and someone who had developed and enjoyed extreme appetites in all senses of the expression, The Politician found this fascinating, exciting and really quite wonderful – forgetting the humiliation of a political career ending in abject failure, imprisonment, sentencing and the terror and pain of hanging and the irreconcilable strangeness of death (which, it seemed, wasn’t really death), The Politician decided that dying hadn’t actually been that bad and that being sent to hell was, basically, Hitting The Jackpot!

  And The Politician followed The Politician’s nature and got to thinking. Here was a chance to take the habits of a lifetime into death and beyond, for The Politician’s nature was that of all of that kind, the kind that set themselves to rule over others. The Politician was a psychopath, a creature that always, always wanted more. A creature of vile and despicable desires. A creature that would always put itself first at the expense of others, a creature obsessed with power and its own greed – one that lived and functioned solely to satisfy these needs, oblivious to the consequences for ordinary people who are, after all, but a detail in history. Sheep to the slaughter. Chickens for plucking.

  How best then to slaughter these particular sheep, pluck these particular chickens?

  How best to take advantage of the wonderful, and obvious, opportunities that Hell presented to inflict pain and misery?

  The answer to The Politician was clear. Just as in the Earthly , the answer laying in discerning who were the real powers and becoming useful to them – forget those ordinary poor souls suffering A Thousand Torments, they had no function save to be moved around like chess pieces and provide fodder for perverse pleasure – so it would surely be in Hell. And the true power in the realm of Hell was, plain as eggs is eggs, The Devil.

  A way had to be found to Reach Out to The Devil. Get some Face Time with him. Remind him of how well The Politician had served him on earth; all the death and suffering faithfully delivered – a career marked with Blood And Mat every step! Truly, The Politician had been a faithful servant to The Devil in life and could be so in death. Imagine finding a way to be a useful servant to The Devil; able not just to watch and revel in all Hell’s sufferings and torments but perhaps even to be able to devise and administer them? What joy! The Politician couldn’t wait to meet The Devil, they were going to become Firm Friends!

  Unfortunately for The Politician, The Devil did not feel the same way, not one little bit. In fact, The Politician’s presence in heaven was getting right on his goat. He was flaming with fury, incandescent with ire, apocalyptic with anger, burning with bile, venomous with vexation, purple with pique, rancid with resentment and generally Pretty Damn Pissed Off. The Politician was, indeed, going to get his ‘Face Time’ with The Devil…but not in a good way.

  Anyway, back to the angry Devil. And he really was very, very mad. Furious. He was stomping up and down his luxury penthouse in the most desirable suburb of Hell. His tale flicked back and forth, banging against the floor and colliding with (and smashing to pieces) various items in his extensive collection of ‘Hullo Kitty’ porcelain figures, of which The Devil – and this is strange but true – was very fond (he was also very partial to Marvel Super Hero figures but, in his opinion, they were definitely a runner up to ‘Hullo Kitty’). His forked tongue slid in and out of his mouth and the breath issuing from that mouth, Rank And Sulphurous at the best of times, had reached a degree of stench previously unknown and unmatched in the History Of Halitosis. Periodically, Demons and Lesser Demo
ns would crawl into The Devil’s apartments, bringing him news and views from corners of Hell far and wide – well, in normal circumstances (as much as anything is ever normal in Hell) they would crawl in but in present circumstances, sensing The Devil’s appalling mood, they slithered in, snake like, with their tales tucked between the legs, passed on their news as quickly as possible (holding their breath against The Devil’s Halitosis Holocaust) and slithered straight back out again, happy to escape the wrath of a creature outranked only by God in the Supreme Being stakes.

  So why did The Politician’s presence in Hell so infuriate The Devil? Because, besides being The Father of all Lies and Evil Incarnate, The Devil is also an extremely meticulous chap who takes pride in his work and who takes much satisfaction in running Hell as a very tight ship. So, in The Devil’s mind, Hell existed as a place where bad people would be made to suffer, feel pain (lots of it and very extreme) and regret their sins. And then along comes The Politician and The Devil sees him walking around, lapping it all up and obviously enjoying the whole experience! Unacceptable! This person has nothing to gain from The Hell Experience and simply does not belong there, this person is a Maggot in the perfect apple that is Hell, grit in the cogs of an otherwise Perfect Infernal Engine. In short, The Politician was making a mockery of the thoughtfully crafted and precisely annotated ethics and principles of Hell (as laid down in document C44/3-2-PE, ‘All you need to know about Hell’) and had to go.

  Damn politicians! They were always trouble; The Devil knew their kind well. When not running Hell, The Devil would take, sometimes extended, breaks and merge himself into Earthly Society to spread around a little grief. His favourite disguises when doing so were as real estate agents, lawyers, commodity dealers, bankers, journalists, landlords and (definitely the most successful when one wanted to cause mischief and sorrow)…you guessed it…politicians!

  The Devil paused in his stomping, stinky breathed, tale twitching anger, stopped, thought of his Happy, Safe Place (a particularly bloody and savage massacre on the Belo Russian front, Planet Earth, circa 1943) and, in a flash of diabolical inspiration, remembered Article VII, clause 103 of the Heaven and Hell Intake of Souls Treaty and Protocols (this had been negotiated some millennia previously but The Devil has a keen intelligence, a faultless memory and a first class legal mind), in which it states, amongst much else:

  “Hell has the right to refuse admission to any individual soul, subject to a meeting and negotiation between the two parties pursuant to this agreement, which agreement shall not be unreasonably withheld by Heaven, where Hell has the opinion that such admission of the heretofore mentioned soul would serve no purpose such purpose being defined as that mutually agreed in Appendix 7892 of this agreement, that being, but not solely limited to, that those souls entering Hell shall suffer pain and regret with the understanding this statement implies no liability or guarantee on the part of Hell and Hell may utilise any and all forms and methods ,be they known, unknown or not yet invented, of achieving the aim of suffering pain and regret and that choice shall be entirely at the discretion of Hell.”

  That was it! He could invoke Article VII, clause 103 etc. etc., have a meeting with God and get Him, Smartass Supreme Being that He was, to think of some other punishment for this awkward politician person - then Hell could get back to functioning as the well-oiled, diabolical timepiece that The Devil had devised it to be.

  Deciding to act immediately, The Devil summoned an Infernal Minion from Hell Civil Service Central (Immigration and Naturalisation Department) and set his plan in motion. Hell’s civil service being as efficient as Heavens was clunky, a request for a meeting between The Devil and God to discuss the thorny issue of the Politician was whizzed upwards to Heaven quicker than you can say ‘burn in hell’.

  But after that, I’m afraid, things very much slowed down. Chaos ensued as no-one in Heaven quite knew what to do with The Devil’s request. Said request was passed from department to department in the Brobdingnagian mess that is Heaven’s equivalent to Hell’s civil service; it was handed from trainee junior sub angel to junior sub angel to sub trainee angel to trainee angel to junior apprentice Archangel to apprentice Archangel before finally making its way to a proper Archangel (Michael, I believe it was) who, finally, passed it on to God himself. Who sat on it for a few days. That being typical behaviour for God who, I’m afraid, whilst undoubtedly being a Supreme Being – sorry, the Supreme Being – has the attention span of a bored teenager. Which pretty much accounts for the incredibly shambolic organisation of Heaven: God simply isn’t interested in the nitty gritty and day by day running of things. He simply likes creating. In fact a day rarely passes without God creating a New World and a New People (plus associated Fauna And Flora) somewhere in the Universe. Once a world is created, God promptly forgets it and moves on to the next. God, I’m sorry to tell you, is a dilettante, an absent-minded professor, an inveterate tinkerer, a careless creator, an absentee landlord. All of which accounts not just for the shambles which is Heaven, but also the shambles which is the Universe. Things were much, much different when the Devil was running the show – but more of that later.

  Meanwhile, the above described Heavenly delay allowed The Politician to spend some quality time in Heaven – observing with utter fascination some fabulously appalling suffering, and both giving and receiving diverse and disgusting torture (which experience The Politician found to be a veritable transport to delight). The Politician’s only regret about the time passed to date in Hell was that, despite frantic Networking and Reaching Out, a meeting with The Devil remained unarranged. Without that meeting it would be impossible to Gain Buy-in of the idea that what Hell really needed to take its game to the next level of evil was a ruthless and faithful right hand person to His Satanic Majesty: that person being, of course, The Politician.

  But…The Politician was, in fact, about to succeed in seeing The Devil. Just not in an expected way. For, in the briefest of gaps between world creating, God had finally got around to looking at the Devil’s request for a meeting. Reluctantly He had decided that He had to grant that request (after all there was a whole canon of Heavenly and Universal law and treaties and protocol - almost exclusively written by that Mendacious Monster, The Devil - that gave Him little choice to do otherwise). Sigh, that fabulous New World would have to wait and all to satisfy the whingeing of an Aging, Bitter, Anally-retentive Demonic Freak With Horns, a dodgy tongue and bad breath! Yes, He would grant the meeting, but with one little wrinkle of his own (God is a hopelessly curious creature and, being the Supreme Being and a bit full of Himself, always, tries to have the last word) – he would insist that The Politician also attend; He wanted to see this creature that Hell didn’t want. Plus it was a chance to annoy The Devil a bit and, once again I apologise for turning the feet of your muse to clay, but God does have a rather petty and vengeful streak (just ask anyone from The Old Testament if you don’t believe me).

  And so it came to pass that one moment The Politician was standing in Hell, watching some hapless soul being torn to shreds by demonic horses (a most agreeable way to pass the time) and the next there was a sharp jolting sensation, a feeling of rapid movement, a loud bang…and The Politician was in a room of the brightest white with walls that stretched up so high that the ceiling they supported was made of stars. Also present in the room were two others. The first, The Politician instinctively knew was God: an older chap with snow white hair and a long, snow white beard wearing what looked like nothing any more grand than a freshly washed white bedsheet and an expression of Supreme Calm and Knowledge (with a hint of Arrogance) that totally screamed ‘Hi, my name is God and I am the Supreme Being, I made you and I can break you’. Looking God over, The Politician summed Him up mentally – hmm, yes, Supreme Being but, hmm, too many principles and morals, occasional acts of pettiness and vengefulness, yes, but ultimately would tend to do the right thing, hmm, no, no good to me, I’m sticking with The Devil. And, much to The Politician’s delight the other pres
ence in the room of Spotless Whiteness was The Devil. And what a sight! Imperious, yellow Goat’s eyes, deep red skin, huge horns, a thick, muscular tail, cloven feet. A hugely imposing physical presence wearing a sharply cut and beautifully tailored black business suit, a yellow waistcoat, topped off with a silver monocle and a huge diamond studded pocket watch on a chain made of thick links of gold. And, oh, the air of Evil And Menace that The Devil exuded, the power, the ruthlessness, the amorality! Oh yes, The Devil was the presence in this room The Politician wanted to get to know – so much more attractive than the bedsheet clad wishywashyness of God. Hah! God may be the Supreme Being now, but The Politician knew with all the instincts of a psychopath and trader in fear, which way power was going to go in the future. The Devil, and The Devil alone, was The Coming Force and The Politician would ride his coat tails all the way to the top. Eventually they would plan and instigate the downfall and conquest of Heaven together, cracking open its resources for exploitation in the name of evil!

  Okay. At this point we need to leave The Politician fantasising about a glorious future. If you are to fully understand what comes next, you first need a bit of historical background about the nature of God and The Devil’s relationship. Are you sitting comfortably? You are. Good. Then I’ll begin:

  Part 2. When God and The Devil were Friends.

  God and the Devil having a meeting? Nonsense, I hear you say. Why on Earth (and Heaven and Hell) would God agree to meet with The Devil? Truth is, life (and eternity) is not as simple as it may seem and, more truth, The Devil and God have a long, complicated and involved history…so if The Devil wants a meeting with God, he gets a meeting with God.