But none of that explained the growing look of misery he could see in her eyes. All around them people were having fun celebrating the two weddings, and Josh and Dani were enjoying every moment now that the nausea seemed to have subsided for the day, while he and Nadia…
Finally he couldn’t stand it any more.
‘Let’s say our farewells,’ he suggested, knowing that nothing was going to be solved until they had a heart-to-heart conversation, and that certainly wasn’t possible in the middle of a crowd of people bent on merrymaking. ‘We need to go home.’
‘Oh, but—’ she began, but something in his expression silenced whatever objection she was going to make. She sighed and her shoulders drooped, and it was the air of resignation about her that squeezed his heart in a vice.
It took nearly an hour to extricate themselves from the cheerful good wishes and teasing advice of their friends and colleagues, and by the time they finally drove away, Gideon was nearly as tense as Nadia.
Their journey to his flat was completely silent and seemed to take for ever, but he spent the time bolstering his determination to solve whatever problem was making his new wife so miserable. It didn’t matter what it was, they would deal with it together and get beyond it because now that he was married to the woman he loved, nothing was going to stop him proving that he was committed to taking care of her, heart and soul, for the rest of their lives.
‘Would you like a cup of tea…or something to eat?’ Nadia offered as soon as he closed the door, already hurrying towards the kitchen as if she couldn’t bear to be alone with him for a second.
‘I’ll make the tea,’ he said, catching her elbow and finding that it was almost vibrating with tension. He released it and thrust his hand in his pocket when all he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and reassure her that everything would be all right.
‘It’s been a long, stressful day…a long stressful couple of months, if we’re honest,’ he continued, trying hard to sound at ease and knowing that he was failing miserably. ‘Why don’t you take your time in the bath while I get the tea? Then we can relax and unwind…and talk.’
Nadia took off down the hall like a rabbit with a fox on her tail, leaving him with an ache that didn’t feel as if it was going to diminish any time soon.
He took himself off to the shower room he’d added when he’d first bought the flat, needing a few minutes of thinking time before he’d be ready to face her again.
Had he rushed her into marriage because he’d realised that it was what he wanted? He’d been so sure after Norah had demanded a divorce that he would never want to put himself through it again, but there had just been something about Nadia…something that had made him absolutely certain that he would never truly be happy without her as his wife and the mother of his children. And he’d been every bit as certain that she would have no difficulty loving Adam and Amy as if they were her own, if she didn’t already.
But had she been ready for marriage?
The trauma she’d been through would have destroyed most women, but she hadn’t just survived, she’d triumphed by making a new life for herself that was a success by anyone’s measure.
Should he offer to have the marriage annulled? To set her free? Would that make her happy…or at least happier than she’d seemed ever since they’d signed their names to the marriage certificate?
His hands were shaking as he arranged cheese and biscuits on the tray with the pot of tea. Neither of them had eaten much at the reception, but the fact that it had been a buffet had probably hidden that fact from their guests. Not that he’d be able to swallow a mouthful now, not with such uncertainty tightening its grip on his throat, but if he could persuade Nadia to have something, perhaps she would start to relax.
He tapped briefly and pushed the door open, then wondered if he should have waited outside when she whirled to face him, wide-eyed. Then he caught sight of the soft silky fabric she was wearing and it was his turn to go wide-eyed. It was certainly a far cry from the over-sized T-shirts he’d retrieved for her from the flat she’d never wanted to visit again.
‘Dani gave it to me,’ she said in a strangely breathless voice, apparently completely unaware that the light from the en suite behind her gave him a perfect view of her surprisingly long legs and the sweet curves of her hips and waist.
‘It’s a pretty colour…almost the same as your eyes,’ he said when he managed to get his tongue under control and drag his eyes back up to her face.
‘It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever worn,’ she confessed shyly, running her fingertips over the tantalising lace detail around the neckline. ‘I never had anything with lace on it before.’
To his surprise, Gideon felt a sudden urge to cry for the little girl…for the woman…who’d had to wait until she was twenty-seven to wear a pretty nightdress, and he made a silent promise that Amy wouldn’t have to wait nearly that long.
‘You don’t need lace to make you look beautiful,’ he said, the words emerging almost of their own volition, and he was touched to see a wash of soft pink heighten the natural colour of her cheeks.
The cups rattled, drawing his attention away from her embarrassment to the fact that he still had the tray clutched between his white-knuckled hands.
‘I made tea,’ he said as he deposited it on the bedside cabinet and sat on the edge of the bed. ‘And cheese and biscuits.’ He glanced over at her, still hovering uncertainly in the doorway, and patted the bed beside him, hoping the gesture looked more casual than it felt. ‘Come and join me.’
She perched tentatively on the edge of the bed and only began to relax when he offered her a choice of Brie or Cheddar and made her laugh with a complaint that their colleagues had virtually inhaled the beautiful food at the reception before either of them had tasted a thing.
For several minutes it looked as if he’d managed to allay whatever fears had made her so tense, but one look at the tight grip she was exerting on her cup told him it was just an illusion.
His heart felt like lead in his chest and he was trying to find the words to ask her if she regretted their marriage when she spoke.
‘Gideon?’ There was an obvious quiver to her voice. ‘Please, I want to know…I need to know…Is it different?’
He blinked, his brain scrambling to work out what she was talking about. Had he missed something?
‘Is what different?’
She swallowed, staring down into the empty cup that now had both hands wrapped tightly around it. ‘S-sex,’ she whispered with a darkening blush, unable to meet his gaze. ‘Is sex different when…w-when it’s not being paid for? When it’s between two people who…who…?’
He desperately wanted to pull her into his arms, but he was afraid she was far too tense to accept that much intimacy so he had to compromise by resting one hand around her bone-white knuckles.
‘When it’s between two people who love each other it’s not called sex, it’s called love-making,’ he said softly, ducking his head so that he could look up into her down-turned face. ‘And, Nadia, while I have no experience of what sex is like with…with a stranger…’ at least his brain was working swiftly enough to avoid using the word ‘prostitute’ ‘…I can guarantee that if we ever make love, it will be different.’
It took a moment or two for her to process what he’d said, but when her head lifted and she finally looked straight at him with those beautiful turquoise eyes, there was an expression in them that he’d never seen before.
‘Show me,’ she said, and while her voice still trembled, there was a new strength to it, an air of decision.
‘Show you what?’ He needed her to spell out exactly what she meant before he jumped the gun and ruined everything.
Her chin inched up just a fraction and he couldn’t have felt more proud of her if she’d just won a Nobel prize. ‘Show me how different it is to make love,’ she said, and this time there was clear determination in her voice.
‘Nadia, are you sure?’ His body
was screaming at him to take her at her word but his heart and brain were urging caution. ‘This isn’t just because you feel you ought to…because we’re married?’
‘No,’ she said bluntly, the single decisive shake of her head sending shards of light glimmering over her beautiful blonde hair. ‘This is because I love you and…and even though we have been sharing your flat, and you have asked me to marry you, and you have been so kind and patient and never pushed for me to do anything…Oh!’ she gasped as a sudden thought struck her. ‘Perhaps that is because…because you don’t want me that way?’
Gideon gave a wry chuckle, remembering the weeks of discomfort he’d gone through even while he’d revelled in sharing his bed with her. ‘Oh, Nadia, you don’t ever have to doubt that I want you,’ he said. ‘But I would never want you to feel that…’
He was silenced by the soft brush of her fingers on his mouth. ‘Hush, Gideon. I know I can trust you to keep your word. That isn’t the problem. It’s…the thought of having that happen to me, ever again, that makes me feel so scared. Every time, I felt so powerless…so vulnerable…’
He could see the dark memories in the shadows in her eyes and ached for the innocent girl she’d once been. Then she continued in a very different voice. ‘But I also know that I want something more than just holding you. I want to know if there can really be pleasure in something so…so violent…so demeaning…so—’
‘Hey,’ he interrupted quickly, relieving her of her cup to distract her from that train of thought. ‘That bad stuff is all in the past. From now on, you’re going to be making new memories…good memories, with me.’
Tension was still thrumming through her, almost loud enough to hear over the sound of a passing emergency siren, and he sent up a silent prayer that he would be able to fulfil his promises.
‘So…’He briskly stripped off his scrub top, making her blink, then shuffled back on the bed and lay down, spreading himself out like a sacrificial victim. ‘I’m all yours. Do your worst…but be gentle with me. I bruise easily.’
Nadia almost laughed at his deliberate nonsense, and he could see that her eyes were flickering over the bared expanse of his chest, but at least she now looked intrigued instead of just scared.
‘What do you want me to do?’ she asked, and the first answer that leapt into his head was definitely X-rated.
‘Whatever you want to,’ he said when he’d managed to slap his over-eager imagination down. ‘It’s your choice.’
‘But…’ Suddenly, she looked lost and he silently cursed himself for making her feel the slightest bit inadequate.
‘How about starting off with a bit of exploration?’ he suggested. ‘You don’t often come across a body as magnificent as mine, so you may as well take advantage of the opportunity.’ He waggled teasing eyebrows.
That startled a chuckle out of her. ‘Magnificent?’
He shrugged in mock modesty. ‘What can I tell you? I was just born lucky, so if you want to feel a few muscles, test them for size and strength…you know, do a thorough scientific evaluation…’ He reached across for her hand and placed it on his biceps before pumping the muscle like a bodybuilder. ‘Good, eh?’
She left her hand where he’d placed it for several seconds, passively, but then he felt the slight quiver in her fingers as she pressed them, oh, so briefly into the muscle before she hurriedly took it away again.
He almost groaned aloud, wondering if that was as far as she was going to go. Had she been too badly traumatised to ever be able to venture any further?
Slowly and deliberately he tucked both hands behind his head, not just so that he couldn’t do what he wanted to do—wrap her in his arms until there wasn’t a fraction of an atom separating the two of them—but also to send the signal to her that she didn’t have to be afraid that he would grab her and force her to his will.
For several long seconds it almost felt as if the world stood still while her eyes travelled from his face to his naked chest then back again and he found himself holding his breath while she came to her decision.
Then, when one tentative hand reached out and trembling fingertips tested the curling dark hair circling his nipple, he felt like bursting out into the ‘Hallelujah Chorus’.
It was torture, lying there, forcing himself not to move a muscle while she traced the dark swathe across his chest and probed the flat discs of his nipples, and he nearly whimpered aloud when they tightened into hard points in response and her mouth opened in surprise.
‘That response works for both of us,’ he murmured in a voice that held a distinct hint of a growl. ‘If you ever want a demonstration…?’ he offered, only just remembering to waggle his eyebrows again to rob his words of any hint that he was pushing her.
Even so, she stiffened, her hands freezing for a moment in their ministrations while she glanced down in wonder at the similar evidence pushing against the silky fabric of her nightdress.
‘Oh!’ she breathed with evident delight, and Gideon wondered if it was possible to die of anticipation. Then he saw the sudden spark of determination in her eyes, and as she slid both hands over his chest and down he was glad he’d spent the time resurrecting the six-pack he’d all but lost during the endless days and nights of his medical training.
His heart thumped when she reached the drawstring top of the scrubs he’d been using as pyjamas for the last few weeks, and he knew she couldn’t help but see the way the thin cotton fabric was tented by his body’s eager response.
‘My body can’t do that,’ she murmured with a pointed glance.
‘No, but your body causes that, every time you walk in a room…Hell, it even happens when I walk into the bathroom and smell your shampoo,’ he grumbled. He was secretly delighted to see a new gleam in her eyes and that made him bold enough to add, ‘Your own body responds, too, even if it isn’t in such an obvious way.’
‘How?’ she demanded. ‘What sort of response?’
For the sake of his sanity, he tried to keep the discussion clinical, knowing that she would have learned most of the details during her training, but he could tell that she was cataloguing every word he spoke against what she was experiencing, and it was killing him to lie there with his fingers clenched in his hair, pretending that he was unaffected.
‘Gideon,’ she interrupted, and the sight of her eyes so darkly dilated with arousal dried all the moisture from his mouth even as it turned his insides to water. ‘I think…’ There was a quiver in her voice that could have been nervousness or excitement—or both. ‘I think we might be wearing too many clothes,’ she suggested, and when she reached unsteady hands to the hem of her nightdress he was unable to utter a single word to ask her if she was certain before she was pulling it over her head.
‘Nadia…’ His voice was a croak while he tried to voice how unutterably beautiful she was, with the light from the en suite highlighting every sensual curve and making each hollow into a dark mystery that begged investigation. Then she reached for the ties at his waist and he could do nothing more than watch her fumble with the knot he’d tied until she could spread the opening wide.
‘Help me?’ she asked, and he complied gently, desperate not to do anything to dent her new-found bravery and hoping desperately that she would have the courage to take events all the way to their natural conclusion.
His heart was beating so loudly in his ears that he almost missed her next question.
‘Is this all right?’ she whispered as she shyly positioned herself so that she could settle one knee on either side of his hips.
‘Oh, yes!’ he groaned, and the feel of the silky skin of her pale thighs against his and the sight of her poised over him was enough to have him silently subtracting seven from one thousand over and over again so that he didn’t explode.
‘And this?’ she asked, as she reached one hand to position him at her entrance and made contact between their bodies.
‘Anything, Nadia,’ he told her hoarsely, knowing that his desperation must be cl
ear in his voice. ‘You can do anything you want.’ And to his utter relief she wanted the same thing he did; to join their bodies together for the first time; to voluntarily take him deep inside her body in an act of love.
‘You were right,’ Nadia admitted when she could breathe again, her body spread-eagled bonelessly over the top of Gideon’s with his arms wrapped around her to hold her in position.
‘Of course I was,’ he said smugly, his voice rumbling around in his chest under her ear. ‘I’m always right,’ he added, and when he arched his hips, she realised that he was still fully aroused and still buried deep inside her body.
The fact that the realisation sent a spear of renewed desire through her was definitely something new, as was the way her own muscles tightened in response.
In fact, everything had been so different from anything she’d known before that she had questions she wanted to ask…things she needed to know…
‘I can hear your brain whirring,’ he said softly, and she lifted her head up in time to see an unexpected look of uncertainty on his face.
Gideon? Uncertain? That was a new thought. She’d been convinced that she was the only one who’d been filled with doubts and insecurity.
‘Speak to me,’ he prompted, and the tension had crept into his voice now. ‘Do you regret what we’ve done? The marriage? This? Would you rather—?’
‘No!’ she gasped, pushing herself up with both hands on his chest so that she could look fully down into his face. Concentrating so hard on setting his mind at rest, she only peripherally noticed that the change in position prompted her newly sensitised tissues to want more.
‘I don’t regret anything, Gideon, especially not this.’ She glanced down at the point where the two of them were joined, hoping her embarrassment didn’t look as obvious as it felt.
‘Then what is the matter?’ he demanded patiently, his hands moving gently up and down her arms as though he was soothing a frightened animal.
A Family for His Tiny Twins Page 15
