Atone

by Wendi Wilson

  This could all be one-sided. For all I know, they could view me as only a buddy, someone they treat with respect and affection, but don’t have any romantic feelings toward. I could be reading into this all wrong. If that’s the case, I’ll be utterly humiliated.

  And it’s all Savanna’s doing.

  “Now, Lizzie!” she shouts. “Break the persuasion!”

  I pause for a second as time stops and everything moves in slow-motion. Slade has reached Savanna. He’s leaning in, his eyes drifting closed. His lips puckered ever so slightly. I think I’m going to hyperventilate.

  Savanna opens her mouth to speak. But I beat her to it.

  “Slade, stop!”

  I scream it, every ounce of emotion I feel exploding from me like a volcano. Slade’s mouth pauses, only a few inches from Savanna’s. So close, she can probably taste his breath. Too close.

  His eyes widen and he jerks back, striding across the room like he can’t get away from her fast enough. His red face looks splotchy as he stares at the floor, glancing up at me through his lashes every few seconds.

  “You did it!” Savanna exclaims, clapping her hands.

  Is she serious? I certainly don’t feel like celebrating. I’m going to kill her next chance I get. I growl at her, one side of my mouth lifting into a snarl.

  “You promised,” she reminds me.

  Her face is filled with guilt. She knows she shouldn’t have done that, even if she is pleased with the result. Her plan worked. My pride is just a casualty.

  “Lizzie, I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me,” she begs when I don’t respond.

  “Can you guys please leave us alone for a while?” Silas asks, drawing everyone’s attention.

  Savanna nods, her whole body slumping with dejection, as she heads toward the door. The Patton brothers follow her, and before they walk out, she turns to me, Silas, and Slade and apologizes again. The boys nod. Traitors.

  Of course, they’re not the ones flayed open for all to see. I’m the exposed one, and I refuse to budge an inch. At least, that’s what I want her to think.

  I am angry, but I know I’ll forgive her. After all, she forgave me, and I did things much, much worse than causing her a little embarrassment. I just have to make her sweat a little as punishment. Savanna’s shoulders slump even further as she opens the door and shuffles out, her boys in tow.

  As the door swings closed, fingers wrap around my wrist. The room tilts on its axis as I’m spun around, then Slade’s arms lock around me, his lips moving over mine. I barely register a moment of shock before his tongue is licking at the seam of my lips, demanding entrance.

  Then… nothing. My mind loses the ability to form a coherent thought as I melt into him. Pressure builds inside me as my heart pumps its blood through my veins at twice the normal rate. I must have parted my lips at some point because Slade’s tongue is brushing against mine.

  My hands creep up into his hair of their own accord, curling into the blonde strands and gripping tight. It’s just as soft as I’d imagined. Slade’s palm slides up my back, pressing me even closer before tangling in my black curls. He uses the grip to tilt my head sideways before sealing his mouth even tighter over mine.

  The sound of a throat clearing behind me brings me back to my senses. My eyes fly open as my body stiffens. How could I forget Silas was still in the room? I blame Slade. He was playing dirty with the sneak attack.

  He must feel the sudden tension in my body, because he sighs and opens his eyes. Keeping his gaze locked on mine, he bites my bottom lip. It’s just a nibble, but the look in his eyes tells me he wants to devour me.

  My bones threaten to melt, leaving me a pile of goo on the tacky motel carpet, but I manage to hold myself together and stay strong. With another sigh, Slade releases my lip and rests his forehead against mine. His arm around my back loosens slightly, but he doesn’t release me. His other hand rests on my hip briefly before sliding up my body to cup my cheek.

  “Finally,” he breathes, his silvery eyes still holding my stare. “I’ve been wanting to do that since the day I met you.”

  “Still here,” rings out behind me and I jerk out of Slade’s arms.

  I face Silas, my eyes zeroing in on his mouth. I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye. I just made out with his twin right in front of him and I’m sure it was obvious how into it I was. My face feels like it’s on fire and there’s a residual throbbing deep in my gut. Guilt wars with need inside me, robbing me of all common sense.

  “I’m sorry, Silas,” I say, still staring at his mouth. “I don’t know… I mean… I wasn’t…”

  “Are you sorry?” Slade murmurs from beside me when my stuttered words trail off.

  My eyes snap to his and I see the hurt there before he hides it. My guilt quadruples as I realize I’ve managed to hurt them both in a matter of minutes. Of course, I don’t really know if I hurt Silas, or not. Maybe he’s just annoyed over my PDA with his brother. I glance over at him, looking right into his eyes to discover the truth.

  I don’t see any hurt there. Nor do I see annoyance. I suck in a sharp breath, my insides twisting as I watch silver fire flare in Silas’s eyes. He wants me, of that much I am sure.

  “Are you sorry, Lizzie?” Slade asks again, breaking the spell his brother’s eyes held over me.

  I glance at him and shake my head. “No. I’m not sorry you kissed me,” I say before locking gazes once more with Silas. “I meant I was sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable, doing it in front of you.”

  Silas takes a step toward me and reaches out to caress my cheek. “I’ve wanted to kiss you just as badly as Slade,” he whispers, his voice scratchy with emotion.

  “You have?” I ask, my own voice cracking on the words.

  “Uh-huh,” he says, stepping closer until his face is a few inches from mine.

  My heart threatens to beat its way out of my chest as his breath fans against my face. His hands move to my waist, his fingers holding my sides in a firm grip. Silas leans in even closer, bringing his mouth to my ear.

  His lips lightly brush my skin as he whispers, “May I kiss you, Lizzie?”

  I can’t stop the shiver that rushes over my scalp and down the back of my neck before shooting along my spine. What is happening? First, I kissed Slade right in front of Silas and now I want to kiss Silas in front of Slade?

  My body locks up at the thought. The admission, even if it’s only to myself, that I want them both makes every one of my muscles clench. Particularly the ones in my core.

  Mistaking my reaction, Silas starts to pull away. His eyes are glued to the floor, but I can imagine the confusion and disappointment I’d see there if he were to look up at me. An invisible fist grips my heart, squeezing it painfully.

  “Yes,” I say, balling my hands into the front of his shirt to hold him in place. “I want you to kiss me.”

  His mouth is on mine before I utter the last word. Unlike his brother’s demanding kiss, Silas’s is gentle, almost… reverent. Like he is worshipping me with his lips. His tongue. His hands, gently roaming across my back before sliding down to my butt. He squeezes the cheeks briefly before moving his hands back up to my back.

  His mouth leaves mine as he trails hot kisses across my cheek. He sucks my earlobe into his mouth briefly before moving down my neck. I release his shirt and thread my fingers through his silky hair, using it to anchor his mouth against my neck.

  Heat flares through me as images of him biting down on the flesh there zip through my mind. Niggling doubt in the back of my mind tells me I should be disgusted. Or, at the very least, scared. An Alt has his mouth on my neck. I push the thought away. Those are the thoughts of the old me, and this feels too good. If Silas were to bite me right now, I wouldn’t mind.

  Who am I kidding? Wouldn’t mind is the understatement of the century.

  Silas moves back to my mouth, kissing me softly before pulling back. I untangle my fingers from his hair and let my hands fall to his shoulders. He me
ets my gaze, smiling gently as he squeezes my sides again before taking a big step back.

  My eyes drift shut, and I take a deep breath before reopening them. I turn my head to look at Slade, hoping to gauge his reaction to my kiss with his brother. Silver lightening flares in his silver orbs, sending a shockwave rippling through me.

  He’s not mad. That much I am sure of. He doesn’t look jealous or sad or any other negative emotion. He looks just as turned on as he did after I kissed him.

  This is so weird.

  Slade moves to stand beside his brother, forming a united front. He motions for me to sit on the bed and, on legs made of jelly, I move forward and perch on its edge. The two boys sit on the other bed, facing me.

  “How do you feel?” Silas asks.

  “In general? Or…”

  “About us,” Slade clarifies. “About kissing us.”

  When I left Georgia, I promised myself I was done lying. Done scheming. I would be a good, honest person going forward. As hard as it is, I decide to be completely truthful.

  “It’s strange,” I say. “I’ve lived most of my life having a hatred of Alts drummed into me on a daily basis. I’ve been taught to despise you. To fear you. To long for a world where you don’t exist.”

  I pause for a moment, letting that sink in. I need them to understand that I’m not taking this lightly. This isn’t some flippant, fly by the seat of my pants moment where I just threw caution to the wind and kissed two boys. This means something.

  “And while I broke free of that influence,” I continue, “and that skewed way of thinking, I still find it confusing that I’ve grown to care so much about you, Savanna, and the others. It’s an adjustment.”

  “I can respect that,” Slade says. His twin nods in agreement.

  “I’m also confused about my feelings for the two of you,” I say after taking a fortifying breath. “I like you both. A lot.” I lower my voice to just above a whisper, though I know their Alt hearing won’t miss a word. “I want you both. Equally.”

  Some sort of silent conversation happens as they glance at each other. When they look back at me, twin expressions of determination mark their beautiful faces. Silas is the one who speaks.

  “We talked about this,” he says, his voice gentle like he’s afraid he might scare me off. “We want you, too. Obviously.” His deep dimples make an appearance as his lips turn up at the corners.

  “We thought about pursuing you, asking you to go out with both of us. Spend some time with each of us before you choose,” Slade adds.

  For some reason, the word “choose” makes my chest clench up. How could I ever choose between them? How could I not? It might be better if we just remain friends, but I don’t know if that’s possible after the kisses we just shared.

  “But the thought of you choosing, leaving one of us alone, destroys us both,” Silas says. “Neither of us can bear the thought.”

  “We want you to be our girlfriend,” Slade says, motioning between himself and Silas.

  “But… I live in Georgia and you guys live in Connecticut,” I blurt out.

  Geography is the least of my issues with starting a relationship with them. It’s just the easiest to talk about.

  “We can figure that out,” Slade states, his tone confident.

  “I know we’re asking a lot,” Silas says, and I swear I can feel his silky, deep voice brushing against my skin. “We don’t expect you to jump right in.”

  “We want you to be sure,” Slade adds.

  “Can I think about it for a while?” I ask.

  “Of course,” they answer simultaneously.

  I stand and move forward, coming to stop between them. I wrap a hand around each of their necks before bending to kiss Silas on the cheek. I move to do the same to Slade, but he turns his head at the last second so that my lips land on his.

  I pull away, unable to contain my smile. He returns it with one that can only be described as roguish.

  “No fair,” Silas says, jumping to his feet.

  His lips are mine in a blink, pulling back nearly as quickly. His gentle smile does things to my insides. I feel myself leaning toward him, ready for more, and I vaguely register Slade stepping closer on my other side. Silas moves in, his lips brushing against mine again as Slade’s breath heats the skin of my throat.

  A knock on the door is as effective as a bucket of ice water. The three of us jump apart, Slade falling back onto the bed behind him while Silas grabs my elbow to steady me before I hit the floor. My harsh breathing echoes through the room as I press a palm to my chest, attempting to keep my heart inside.

  “Hey guys,” one of the triplets calls out from the other side of the door, “we’re all ready to go to dinner, if you are.”

  “Promise you’ll think about it?” Slade whispers, his breath tickling my ear.

  I can only nod, my wits having apparently deserted me. He smiles, and those dimples take my breath away. His lips brush against my cheek, so smooth and feather-light, causing goosebumps to break out all over my body.

  He calls out that we’re coming and heads toward the door but pauses with his hand on the handle. He gives Silas a pointed look and jerks his head toward me. Silas smiles as he closes in, hugging me close. He also kisses my cheek and whispers, “Take all the time you need. We’ll wait.”

  As soon as we pull apart, Slade swings the door open and greets Wyatt, who’s still waiting on the other side. Silas places a hand on my lower back and leads me outside. I don’t know how I’m supposed to think when they won’t stop touching me. I’m a firm believer in all’s fair in love and war, but the constant contact is blatant cheating. The look on Silas’s face tells me he knows it, too. He can feel my reaction to his touch.

  I pull away as Savanna and the Patton brothers climb into the minivan. Slade is already walking around to the driver’s seat and Silas is waiting for me to get ahead of him. My eyes drift to the sedan Mr. and Mrs. James are climbing into, just the two of them. This is a good opportunity for me to think. I shoot Silas an apologetic look and hurry over to the car.

  “Can I ride with you guys?” I ask Savanna’s dad just before he slides in behind the wheel.

  He gives me a curious look before glancing over at the van full of kids. I know it probably makes no sense to him why I’d prefer to ride with the parents, and I’m not about to explain it to him.

  “Sure,” he says, shrugging.

  I thank him and climb into the backseat. Mrs. James looks over her shoulder and arches a brow, but when I just smile, she, too, shrugs and turns back to look through the windshield. They aren’t pressing me for answers, and I’m relieved.

  By the time we get to the restaurant, I’m no closer to a clear decision than I was when I got into the car. Do I like them both? Yes. Am I attracted to them, physically? Hell, yes. Am I ready to embark on a polyamorous relationship, complete with ménage-trois trysts in the bedroom? Uh…that, I’m not so sure about. It honestly scares the shit out of me.

  When we arrive at the restaurant, I jump from the car and head straight for the ladies’ room. I’ve just turned on the water to wash my hands when Savanna’s voice rings out behind me.

  “Do you hate me now?”

  I don’t turn my head, but I can see her in my periphery. She’s blocking the door so no one can disturb us. Or possibly so I can’t escape.

  “Please, talk to me,” she pleads when I don’t respond.

  Taking a deep breath and huffing it out, I turn to face her. I cross my arms over my chest and tap a foot in irritation for good measure. She squirms a little, and I try not to smile. No way am I making this easy for her.

  “That was a dirty trick,” I say.

  She extends her arms, palms up like she’s placating a skittish animal. “I’m sorry, Lizzie. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I guess I didn’t really think it through.”

  “What even made you think of it?”

  “Well,” she answers, taking a small step forward, “I noticed some
looks and blushes between the three of you. I assumed you had a thing for one— or both— of them and using that emotion would break through the block holding back your ability.”

  My body flashes cold, then hot. Had I been that obvious? Apparently. I knew I’d been developing a serious crush on Silas and Slade, but other than a few gestures of affection, I hadn’t really noticed any vibes coming from them. Ones of friendship, maybe, but nothing really romantic.

  Not until tonight.

  “Well, you were right,” I murmur, unable to hide my confused frown.

  “Right about the block, or right about you having a thing for them?”

  “Both,” I grit out.

  Despite my grumpy response, Savanna squeals with delight. “I knew it! Silas and Slade are great. Really. They are so nice and I bet they’d treat you like a princess.”

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” I reply, dejection filling me.

  “Do what?”

  “Savanna, I spent the last several years having a hatred of Alts and everything they represent drummed into me. Alts are evil. Alts are an abomination.” I tick each fact off on my fingers as I speak. “Alts need to be eliminated.”

  “But you don’t believe that anymore,” she says, her voice filled with conviction.

  She believes in me. My nose twitches as emotion fills me. Savanna believes I’m a good person, despite everything I’ve done to her and her boys. She believes I’ve changed, and she cares about the person I’ve become. My heart swells with gratitude before I continue our conversation.

  “No, I don’t,” I say, confirming her statement, “but it’s hard to ignore discriminatory reflexes. I spent so many years believing it, my first instinct is to run far, far away.”

  “You’ll get past that with time,” she offers.

  “Maybe,” I say. Then I get to the real root of the problem. “How did you come to terms with the polyamory part of it?”

  “Poly- what?”

  I sigh. “Loving them all. Being in a relationship with them all.”