Unapologetic (A Novel)

by Pamela Ann

  I glanced toward one of my best friends and considered his question. “What do you mean by that?” Everyone witnessed I disappeared with him in his bedroom, but I wanted to pick Anton’s brain before stating anything. Discussing my love life wasn’t one of my strongest fortes.

  “Have you seen the way he looks at you, sprinkles? His eyes were on you every time I looked at him. Like Christ, I’ve never seen anyone like that. He’s not one of your, like, secret stalkers, is he?”

  I had stalkers, let alone secret ones? Ha.

  “Well you see; River’s sort of like … you know … my first love, my first boyfriend.” Damn, that was hard to say out loud.

  “I don’t know if he got the memo ’cause there’s no mistaking how much he still wants you. We all have eyes, and we all agree that he is crazy for you.”

  “Yeah, but I’m not treading back to memory lane. Not like that, anyway. We’re just friends now.” Hearing that made it all the hollower. Did I really believe that? Fuck, River was trouble.

  Anton almost hit the brakes as he stared at me, askance. “Friends? You just want to be friends with River Ellis? Not only is he one of the biggest stars today, but shit, Cara, have you seen how perfectly perfect of a specimen he is? How can you resist when he looks like he’s about to devour your sexy, beautiful pussy on the spot?”

  “No, he doesn’t!” I exclaimed, aghast. River was always going to be that kid I grew up with and no some mega star that people saw him as. Besides, nothing could change the past, even though I wanted to erase all the bad memories when I was with him. “He betrayed me, Anton. That’s why it’s never going to work.”

  “He cheated?”

  And that was where the argument lied.

  “He says he didn’t, but there were just too many women. And when Hailey Mavis came into the picture, I just couldn’t handle it.” To this day, that woman could rile me up like no other. My stomach coiled at the memory of her all over him, kissing his cheek and what of it.

  “Oh, her. Yeah, she’s so cunty.” Anton threw me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, baby cakes. I’m sure that must’ve been hard to witness.”

  He had no idea.

  “I’m over it. I mean, I moved on from all that.” Lies. Lies. Lies. Hearing that wretched woman’s name made me want to gouge my eyes out.

  “Don’t you want to give him a second chance, though? I’m sure this time will be different.”

  “No, I don’t believe in second chances, Anton. River had one, and he royally blew it. I have nothing left to give him.”

  “But that’s really extreme.” My friend gazed at me as though I had just announced I was the man behind Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

  “River’s life is extreme. I can’t compete with it. Do you know how many women they try to pair him with? You know how it is here. Everyone’s a model or tries to look like one. I can’t put myself through all that bullshit. I’ve been there, done that. No more.” Or the insecurity and the uncertainty that came along with it. It took quite a lot for a woman to put up a lot of the twisted upheaval and mind fuckery. I had retired from that. My life was peaceful these days.

  “Well, that’s a shame.” He sighed. “I really was hoping to see you get married and shit.”

  I stared at him in horror. “Let’s not ruin the morning, okay? I need coffee before you can continue grilling me in the hot seat.”

  “You’ve got yourself a deal, babe.” He tapped on the steering wheel before glancing toward his navigation. “We’re almost there. I’m actually excited about this.”

  “So am I.” I beamed as my thought drifted toward how the day would unfold. This was an exciting experience, and I was ecstatic that our friend decided to let us in on it.

  The set was in one of the Malibu’s caves. With the sun barely just out in the horizon, the beautiful set was breathtaking. The place was lined with trailers, tents, and a lot of lighting. While the sound check crew busied themselves, we scoured for our friend, who just happened to be in the finishing touches of the lead in the band, Will.

  From a few feet away, my eyes were glued to his side profile. The British rock star didn’t disappoint. He was gorgeous, tatted up, and had danger written all over him.

  “I like to stare at him and all, but how about we check out the food? I need coffee and a few muffins to stop scaring people away with the roaring riot inside my stomach?” Anton grumbled as I heard the loud angry sound from his belly.

  “Jesus, let’s go before you pass out.” I giggled as I grabbed his arm.

  As excited, as I was to be here, nothing could beat the thought of being back in the cozy, soft confines of my bed.

  “Shhh, silence! I kill you.” He glared at me as we trotted toward the tent where everything we needed was located.

  I giggled. “Oh, stop it, Achmed ‘the dead terrorist’.” It was the playful banter we always used. “Can I take you to one of those The Art of Shaving places? I’m sure they’d be thrilled to take you on.”

  His eyes widened. “I’ve always wondered what it’d be like, so sure. You’re driving me there and taking me to lunch.”

  Well, wasn’t he a bossy one.

  “Thank God. It’s time to let go of Yogi the Bear.” I was more than willing to dish out whatever needed to get him primed to his old self. I knew he had self-esteem issues since he had gained more than fifty pounds in the past year. Hopefully once I had sorted out my schedule, Anton and I could take some serious butt-kicking classes to get in serious shape.

  While Anton busied himself with the blueberry muffins and pain au chocolate, my eyes roved to more pressing matters, such as refueling my body with much needed coffee. Pouring the freshly roasted blend in my Styrofoam cup before adding two packets of raw sugar, I carefully took a sip, loving how it faintly burnt my tongue as it travelled down my throat.

  “Grr … What the bull? Why’s my mother calling me this early? Nothing good will come out of this.” Anton groaned as he stared at screen of his phone.

  Anton had a peculiar relationship with his mother, but what did I know about mothers? I never got the chance to know what that felt like.

  “I’ll meet you back at Kells’ tent.” Waving at him, I made my exit as I cautiously sipped my hot beverage when I unceremoniously tripped over a piece of equipment.

  I cried out from pain and shock, about to lose my balance, when I felt a strong hand steady me. How embarrassing and out on set, too. What the hell was going on?

  “Are you okay?” a man asked, almost leaning into me.

  Still in a daze, I looked up at my savior. Hazel eyes zeroed in on me. Beautiful and quite extraordinary. Oh my, I thought as I tried to catch my breath.

  “Yes, I think I’m okay,” I nervously croaked out, disconnecting from his gaze.

  “I’m Kyle Mathews.” There was faint amusement in his voice. Most likely because I seemed like a train wreck.

  “Cara Quinn.” God, he was so hot. I couldn’t think straight. And why was he staring at me still? What a total disaster.

  “Can I get you anything, Cara Quinn?” he asked.

  “I … uh … no. I’m hot. No, I’m cool.” WTF? “Sorry, I haven’t caffeinated yet; that’s why I’m such a hot mess.” God, strike me with lightning now before I embarrass myself further.

  His smile disarmed me, and I was becoming a total creep who couldn’t properly function with a gorgeous male before me.

  His perfect a smile deepened, and by that time my mind turned into mush.

  “Are you working on set?”

  Trying my damnedest not to act uncomfortably, I licked my lips before shaking my head. “No … I’m just a fan. Well, that and my friend’s in the glam squad.”

  He made a boisterous laughter, catching me off guard. “Don’t let the band hear you say that; they’ll never forgive you.”

  Who was this man and why had he taken over my ability to think? He was gorgeous, but there was something more to him. He had substance.

  “Are you working with c
rew?” Maybe he was part of the video folks. He surely wasn’t part of band.

  “I manage the band. I’m here to check out if things are running smoothly. You know, temper tantrums and hissy fits. Hardcore rock star stuff.”

  It was my turn to chortle. The guy had a sense of humor; I had to give him that.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Kyle, and thanks for saving me from falling into the gravel.”

  “Listen, I know this might seem too forward, but what the hell, I’m taking my chances,” he stated before seeming unsure, licking his lips as he glanced back at me. “Do you want to have dinner sometime?”

  “Sure, that’d be nice.”

  Less than seventy-two hours of being single, and here I was, agreeing to a date. But how could I say no to Kyle Matthews? He was just the kind of guy I went for. Sexy, rugged, funny, and downright delicious to look at. Which made me more wonder why I dated Parker in the first place. The man didn’t cross some on the list, but maybe it was because I didn’t go out much. Well, it was high time I remedied that problem.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Argh! It’s so fucking good to hear you voice,” River said cheerfully from the other end of the line. It had been over four days since I had last seen him. “How’s everything going on your end, petal?”

  “I’m good …” I dawdled as I nakedly shifted in bed, contemplating if he would be offended for what I had to tell him next. “Well, there’s this thing … You see, I’m going on a date tomorrow.”

  Kyle Matthews hadn’t wasted time securing a timestamp on our dinner date. Not that he had to try hard. I was too excited to even dream of letting him wait.

  “You move fast.” River let out a whooshing sound. “Are you sure you’re ready to date again?” He sounded so wounded I almost took my words back. Almost.

  He was appalled to realize that I moved fast? I slept with him hours after breaking it off with Parker. Speedy didn’t even cut it. But given our present predicament, I understood why he stated it that way. It was part concern and part injured feelings.

  “I’m sure. Kyle seems nice. Besides, it’s just dinner.”

  “Kyle …” He cleared his throat. “Dinner. Well that’s good, I guess. I just want to put it out there that I support you, and that as long as you’re happy, I’m happy, too.”

  This was a different tune. “The old you wouldn’t put up with anything like this.”

  “Well, this is the revised, upgraded version. People change, Cara, and I hope in the long run you’ll see that I have.”

  “If you really mean that, then thank you. You have no idea how relieved I am. Back in the day, we’d be in the middle of a sparring match. But I’m ecstatic that it doesn’t have to come to that.”

  Whenever he had seen a guy from school try to flirt with me, he would go ballistic. Countless times he had engaged in fights, and that was one of the reasons that no one fucked with me in school. The kids who dared would meet River’s wrath. Yeah, he was such punk and a kickass bad boy, but he was mine. And together, we conquered.

  So much for the past. This guy had apparently had a major attitude makeover. It saddened me to see that part of him gone. At the same time, I respected his new outlook in life. It had taken courage to change, and that was something to be commended. I guessed this time he had meant it when he said he was staying in my life, circumstances be damned.

  “Wow, I feel like you’re growing up this time, River,” I stated in jest, hoping to navigate our conversation to a lighter tone.

  “Ha, funny, ha. Seriously, though, I may not sound it, but I just want you to be happy.”

  He was hurt, his voice told me so.

  “River, it’s just a date. I didn’t say I was going to marry anyone.”

  “Don’t joke like that. It’s not funny to me.”

  I sighed. We were in a bizarre situation, but I had made my feelings clear from the beginning. Getting back together wasn’t on the menu.

  “We’re okay, though, right?”

  “I am what you say I am, Cara.”

  “River, you’re not making this easy.”

  “Never worry about me, babe. I’ll be okay, I promise.”

  “Thanks,” I said, wanting to drop the subject.

  And so we carried on discussing music and the songs he had been working on. He composed a new one the other day, and he was letting me hear it for the first time. It was just like in the old days, and I couldn’t help relishing these moments, holding them close to my heart.

  We were breaking a new ground, a bond that was stronger than friendship. It made me realize how amazing it was to have him in my life again. I didn’t want to lose this closeness, this bond.

  //

  Kyle chose the restaurant Nobu in Malibu. He had insisted on picking me up, but I wanted to meet him, just as a precaution in case I needed a speedy exit. He graciously waited for me before the maître d’ showed us our table.

  He whistled as his eyes roved over me. “You look insanely stunning.”

  My ensemble consisted of a champagne colored strapless mini-dress with my hair piled high, showcasing the delicateness of my neck and the soft, striking angles of my face. Pairing it with matching simple pearl studs and choker, and finishing the look with a rose gold strappy Prada heels. I dressed with the intention for this specific reaction. Hopefully, the night would transpire in the same manner.

  Our table was on the patio overlooking the vast Pacific Ocean as the backdrop, exuding romance. Given that this was our first date, I appreciated Kyle’s effort in making sure that everything was pleasing.

  I never doubted the man played the field. He certainly looked the part. Kyle Matthews was gorgeous, confident, successful, and had that particular air that only self-assured men had about him. He made me nervous, but it was the good kind of nerves.

  In the past two years of joining the dating pool, I had never been this thrilled to go on a date. It couldn’t be helped. Kyle was quite a catch.

  We were both in a jovial mood as we ordered our appetizers and entrees. It was right after our first sip of wine that Kyle revealed something bizarre.

  “You remind me of someone I used to know,” he stated as he glanced at me. “You have the same personality, and that beautiful smile of yours.” It was difficult not to trace the melancholy echoes in his tone.

  In my curiosity, I was prompted to ask, “What happened to her?”

  Kyle smiled, but it never reached his eyes. “Sienna? She’s married now and expecting, but once upon a time, I meant everything to her.”

  “Then why—”

  “I cheated.”

  “Oh, you’re that kind.” Why didn’t this revelation surprise me? Sitting back, I waited for him to carry on.

  “It wasn’t intentional, but it happened, and I couldn’t take it back. It’s so cliché to even say it, but it’s true. I was young and stupid.”

  He sounded just like River, but the fact remained, no man was a saint, claiming to be in love or otherwise. To them, love was a fleeting moment. A selective emotion granted to a woman who made them feel the most, but the second their attentions were averted by another, that love was no more.

  “I was cheated on once, and it hurt me like a motherfucker.”

  Kyle gave me a considering look. “What happened to him?”

  “We’re friends.” In a way, River was.

  He took a lengthy sip of his wine, studying me. “He wants you back.” He didn’t question it. He merely stated a fact.

  Since Kyle began the conversation by being truthful, I had to give him the same courtesy.

  “Yeah, he does, but no. I can’t possibly—”

  “That’s what Sienna did, too. She could never bring herself to trust me afterward, and before I knew it, someone filled my spot who loved her just as fiercely as I did. I lost my chance the second I fucked up.”

  “Such is life. We have to eventually move on.” Whoever this Sienna was, I felt for her and hoped that I would have the wherewithal to keep
River’s intentions at bay.

  He beamed in the most charming of way before he raised a glass before making a toast. “To new beginnings.”

  Now that was something I could totally agree on.

  Raising my glass to him, I repeated, “To new beginnings.”

  I found it refreshing to speak to someone who didn’t know anything about me. I could speak freely without needing to hide.

  For the entire duration of dinner, he gave me such entertaining stories about the craziness of his life. He worked almost daily. He worked hard and played hard. I found myself enthralled by him and was curious to know what made him tick and what he was made of. He was forthcoming about his past misgivings, his weaknesses and strengths, and I had to applaud him for his honesty.

  We completed the date with a promise to make another soon. Although he tried to cajole me in continuing our night to his house, I had to decline, believing it was better to take it slow. Besides, I didn’t want to immediately involve myself with anyone.

  Kyle gave the impression that wasn’t in a hurry to be tangled in a serious relationship, either, since he had been scarred. Therefore, he reluctantly led me to my car before kissing me goodnight on the cheek. I drove off smiling, knowing this would be one of many dates I would share with Kyle Matthews.

  I came home still sporting that very endearing smile on my face, until I found someone at my doorstep. Beyond surprised to find River waiting, my shock was more to the fact that the rogue man seriously looked like the Viking on screen who everyone worshipped. Hair loose, scruff and all.

  “What are you doing here?” I exclaimed, grinning from ear-to-ear.

  Holy mighty fuck! I was beyond mesmerized that I overlooked the gargantuan assembled bouquet consisting of hydrangeas and carnations in his grip.

  Those deep lustful eyes took me in licentiously. “We have one day off, and I figured that instead of resting, I might as well fly out and see you. I can sleep on the flight.” Dark depths trained on me, unmasked, unguarded, with unparalleled desire, before he extended his hand to give me the gorgeous blooms. “I had to see you.”