by Pamela Ann
River undoubtedly was ready to pursue his music. I was unquestionably ecstatic to learn that he was about to achieve another dream that he had once longed for.
He had swallowed his pride and called, and by the sound of his voice, the undeniable excitement when he announced that he was making an album, I knew he was going to put his heart, soul, sweat, and blood into his music. He would channel everything in there, creating all the ugliness into something beautiful.
As elated as I was for him, I couldn’t for the life of me decide if I was ready to face him. He was still with Hailey, and she wouldn’t pass a great opportunity for publicity. She would definitely be all over this, like bees to honey.
So, who do I call to relay my present conundrum? I immediately speed-dialed Kyle.
The man took the call after two rings.
“Don’t tell me you’ve just woken up. You’re not a vampire, so you better fix that schedule and join the rest of us normal human beings. It’s been two weeks, Cara. Anyone would agree that your time’s up from mourning your first love. Take a page from my book. I’m still fucked up, but I’m on top of my game. Success is the only thing that might make you feel better. Doesn’t come close, I know, but it’s a good consolation, no less.”
Kyle was a few years older than me, but his advice made sense. However, putting thought into action laid the difficulty.
“Thanks for the insightful advice, Dr. Matthews,” I sarcastically drawled before making a small yawn. “He called and left a voicemail. He’s pursuing music and has a gig tomorrow. He wants me to be there. Any advice on that since you’re on a roll today?”
“Well, are you planning on going?”
“Should I?”
“Don’t you want to see this for yourself? You guys grew up together, so I’m sure you know how much this means to him.”
“But that was before,” I argued, wondering where I would get the wherewithal to sit a few tables down from the woman who I loathed more than anything else.
Instead of celebrating River and his music, I would be focused on Hailey. Besides, what would I say to River if given the chance to speak to him? Yeah, thinking about the whole ordeal made me feel emotionally drained and paralyzed.
“I think he knows that, too, but he still called and invited you. He swallowed his pride and called you. That’s saying a lot.”
“Maybe he just felt obligated ’cause we have mutual friends, and I might hear it from the grapevine.” That could be it, too. Kells would already be Phoenix’s date, and since she didn’t socialize without her friends, she was most likely going to stretch the invite to Anton and I. River basically cut out the middle person out of respect.
“Or maybe you’re just making these excuses because you aren’t ready to move past the anger.”
Seriously, was Kyle on my team or what?
“You sound like you know more than I do. So, tell me, what would you do if you were in my place?”
“I wouldn’t even think twice, Cara.” There was no hesitation. “But you’re not me.”
“Well, thank God for that!” I meant about him not being me. “I hate when life puts you in situations where it lets you choose whether you prefer to chop off your own finger or your heart. But enough about me. Where are you, anyway?” The background was loud.
“I’m at the airport, waiting to board a flight. I have to fly out to New York. We’re having a problem with a client who wants to get out of a five-year contract. It’s complicated.”
Complicated indeed. “Well, good luck with that. Safe travels to you, Dr. Matthews.” I smiled as I bid him good-bye. The man had a way of lifting my spirits. And, at times, he had a manner of making me feel naive and juvenile.
River left me with a lot to ponder. And when Anton came over to announce that he would be attending, my answer should have been clear then, but I was still deep in contemplation.
The day came and went, and by the time dawn rolled in, my decision hadn’t been made. By mid-afternoon, even though I hadn’t made up my mind, I took it upon myself to shower, priming myself in any case I might really want to see him play.
Before Anton left to dine with Kells and Phoenix, he dropped in to double-check if I would change my mind and join them.
“I haven’t decided yet,” I said as I gripped the lapels of my robe, feeling out of my element. “Call me when you do. We’ll come on by to get you, okey-doke?” Anton kissed my cheek before giving me the tightest of hugs.
I merely nodded before bidding him good-bye.
It took me ages to figure out what I wanted, and when I did, there was only half an hour left before he was set to start. Hastily dressing myself with white jeans and a V-neck shirt before slipping into my new red booties, I rushed out the door.
“I’ll stay for the first two songs, then I’ll just dip out,” I muttered to myself as I pulled into traffic.
Had I decided an hour ago, I wouldn’t be in such haste. It took me forever to get there, but thank God I made it just in time.
Upon entering the known establishment, I stood paralyzed as I watched the man I loved from afar. He was on stage with his guitar and the biggest smile I had seen on his face. This was a proud moment, and I was almost in tears seeing how honored he was. And mind you, the man looked beyond deliciously gorgeous. I had the damnedest time tearing my eyes off him.
“How’s everyone tonight?” he asked into the microphone before his eyes began to scan the crowd, as if looking for someone.
“Give ’em hell, baby!” Hailey howled from the crowd, blonde hair flailing about her excited form. She was a bubble of enthusiasm, and I wanted to poke a needle in her and burst her blasted bubble into thin air.
Hatefully scrutinizing that wretched wench made me want to vomit. For the life of me, I couldn’t take another step and join the rest of my friends. I thought I was brave enough to ignore Hailey while she looked up at River with her hands together on her chest, gazing up at him like she was in love with a god.
Why did I bother? Because you can’t resist. You want to be there, too.
He had asked for my support, and I freely gave it. But putting myself through this arduous process of almost being friendly to his girlfriend would be overkill. And so, I retracted my cowardly steps back to my car and drove off.
It was a shameful thing to be in my position. My heart couldn’t take it.
At home, I sulked in bed with a pint of coffee frozen yogurt while watching Rose and Jack make love on screen. Then, of course, I cried myself to sleep. I was miserable.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“You don’t sound good. Guess that means you didn’t go, huh?” Kyle observed from the wretched tone of my voice.
Pulling a pillow somewhere, I placed it over my head before grumbling, “Thanks for waking me up. My life really must be that interesting if you’re keen to know.”
He chuckled. “Let’s just say I really like you. Fuck, I want you for myself, but this isn’t about me. If you can fix this, you really should before it’s too late.”
“So, you want me, huh?” I smiled through my pain.
Kyle was always teasing and so light-hearted that it was difficult not to adore him.
“You know I want you a great deal, Cara. We click, and let’s just say the sex is a fucking good bonus, too. What more can a man need?” He was straightforward with his intentions, blatant and impenitent.
“So, you’re basically waiting to see what will happen so you can sweep in and take me for yourself, is that it?”
He chortled on the other end of the line. “Like I said, I want you. If things are really over between you two, then I’m more than happy to step in and take you for myself.”
“Because the sex is good?” I pressed, grinning from ear-to-ear.
“That and because you’re so fucking scrumptious. What man wouldn’t want you, Cara? I’d have to be blind or gay not to fucking desire you. Above all, you’re funny and sweet, and you have a good head on your shoulders. What more do you wa
nt to hear?”
There was never a doubt how Kyle loved the sex. The man was quite something else in the sheets. However, he was right; I had to fix whatever was ailing me with River or I wouldn’t be able to fully move on. We hadn’t had closure the first time, so I should have the decency not to let us both suffer the second time. I was done being spiteful.
“Gah, you’ve bombarded me with too much, and I haven’t had coffee yet.”
“Get out of bed, fix yourself a cup of joe, and get things rolling. I’ll see you soon. Whatever you decide, we’re good either way.”
Kyle was a sweetheart. I was sure he and I would get on even if River was in or out of the picture. We had that kind of chemistry—easy going, no fuss, no hurt feelings.
Since I had vowed to stop being so spiteful, I swallowed my colossal pride and dialed River’s number.
It rang … and rang … and after the fifth ring, I was about to hang up when I heard him say hello. He sounded sleepy, like I had woken him up. Was he in bed with Hailey?
Bile rose from my throat before I swallowed it back down, telling myself to get a fucking grip and focus on the task at hand—which was to extend an olive branch.
“Hey, it’s me. I was wondering, um … if we can talk,” I babbled fretfully as I silently cursed myself for sounding so nervous. What was wrong with me?
There was a pause on his end before I heard him groan and shift from his position in bed. “Yeah, what’s up?”
“No, I meant face to face. Can I come over to your place? If that’s okay with you?” Did I sound a little desperate there? Shoot. Despite it all, I had to speak to him. I couldn’t go another day with this deep-seated loathing in my soul. It was crippling me. I wasn’t sure if I could properly function any longer.
“Yeah, I’m home now. You can come whenever you want.” He paused before adding, “You’re okay, right? Nothing bad happened?” There was no mistaking the worry in his tone. It gave me hope that he and I could resolve this in an amicable manner.
“No, I’m fine. I’ll go get ready. I should be over there in a bit. See you then,” I rushed out before cutting the call short.
Never in my life had I been this panicky, not even my first time filming Clover. If I focused on my nerves, I wouldn’t be able to move an inch, so I tried to suppress my erratic, anxious thoughts and fixate on the task of getting ready and driving to River’s apartment without crashing.
Dressed in denim skirt, plain white blouse, and a pair of nude booties, I rushed out of my apartment with barely any makeup on. It was unnecessary since the man had seen me through my epic makeover fails through my teenage years. Like that one time during prom when my false lashes came off, and he had to help me fix them since the bathroom line was too long.
River was that kind of boyfriend, always there, even if he wasn’t needed. He had loved me like no other, so we owed it to each other to at least be decently civilized with each other.
The second I arrived at his building, I immediately found parking and haphazardly got out of my car. While I strode toward the entrance of his place, I verbally rehearsed what I was about to say when he opened the door.
The concierge kindly greeted me, and after checking I was on the guest list, he gave me the green signal to head toward the elevator. My palms sweaty, my cheeks rosy, and my heart climbing Mount Everest, I felt faint and more alive than ever. All those days spent rolling about my bed seemed like a distant past.
My thoughts halted when the elevator stopped and delivered me to the top floor. Upon stepping out of the lift, I drew a lengthy breath before rubbing my palms on the roughened texture of my denim.
Slowly and gradually, I paced toward his front door while sending a little prayer above, hoping this confrontation would be cordial.
Braving it out, I licked my lips before pressing on the buzzer.
One … Two … Three … Four … Five …
“Cara,” he greeted as the door opened, welcoming me in, wearing a black wife beater and loose, black sweat pants. He looked pale, paler than I had ever seen him. What was wrong with him?
My brows furrowed as I recalled Kells telling me that he had somehow became the best of buds with liquor and maybe some drugs. Hopefully the latter wasn’t true.
Bounded with nerves, I smiled as I entered his home. My eyes instantly made a speedy scan of the area, wondering if I could spot anything that would indicate Hailey was here or had been here. What I found was a chaotic mess of empty alcohol bottles, red plastic cups, food wrappers, a massive stack of pizza boxes, and a whole lot of garbage as far as my eyes could see.
“What happened to your housekeeper?” Did she quit? By the looks of this place, the poor woman hadn’t been around here in days.
In his pall complexion, he seemed a little embarrassed. “I told her to drop by next week. I haven’t felt like dealing with a lot of people lately.”
His words made me step closer to him, really eyeing him. Something was off; I could tell.
“Are you okay?” I asked timidly, not wanting to overstep my welcome.
“I just don’t feel good. I haven’t had a meal in forty-eight hours. Guess getting drunk didn’t help all that much.”
Jesus. The man needed red meat and stat.
“I came by to talk, but I wouldn’t mind going out to grab you some food. You need something in your stomach to function properly.” My appetite had taken a nosedive, but I still managed to shove as much frozen yoghurt into my mouth whenever possible.
He opened his mouth, looking confused, before shutting it again. “I’ll be okay, Cara …” He gazed at me for a second before looking away. It seemed that looking at me was becoming a hardship. “Let’s head over to the couch. Maybe that’ll be more comfortable than standing here.”
Nodding meekly, I followed his lead. This entire process seemed too formal and so unlike us, which made it more nerve-racking and daunting.
“What did you want to talk about?” he asked softly as he took the couch next to me, facing me with such serious intensity that it left me feeling a little heady.
Nervously licking my lips, I stared at the coffee table before dragging my eyes back to his. The moment it connected, I forgot what I had to say.
“Last night …” I cleared my throat. “I hope you didn’t take it personally. I really wanted to be there—oh by the way, congratulations. You’re made for this. Music is your life. This is such an amazing time for you, and I hope you know how happy and proud I am to see you accomplish all your dreams. I really am proud.”
His frown deepened. “Why weren’t you there?” he asked in a soft-leveled voice, unnerving me.
“I was there, but I left before you began.” My brows began to sweat. Why was he a little hostile? I understood that he might be displeased, but I came here to apologize, didn’t I? Surely that counted for something.
Out of nowhere, River rapidly stood up like he needed distance from me. He strode toward the deck before retracing his steps back inside. He stood about fifteen feet away with an accusing look on his face. “And why did you leave? Did you have any idea how it felt waiting for you? In my mind, I knew it was stupid to hope, because all we do is fight lately. But for fuck’s sakes … you knew how much this meant to me … And I hoped, you know, that we could put our differences aside to support each other. I almost pushed back the set, believing you might just be running late. I wanted you there—where it counted most.”
I knew supporting him went beyond our vicious fights. We had each other’s back, no matter the cost. This was one of them, and I had let him down. I couldn’t have stayed, though, yet I tried. I truly did.
“She was there. It was just all too much too soon.” Baring my soul made me feel a bit better, but not enough. “I’m sorry, River.”
He sighed. “I really wanted you there,” he stated sadly again.
What could I do? It had already happened. Next time, when he needed my support, I swore on everything that was holy, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
And if Hailey happened to be there, then I would just have to wear my big girl panties and bear it.
River had been there with me in the lowest points of my life; I couldn’t do it to him again. I owed him that much.
“I won’t miss anymore. I’ll be there for your album release, your first concert, and all that jazz. I swear to you, I’ll be there. I know you’re probably mad, and I’m sorry. I should’ve known that this meant a great deal.”
“You don’t have to make those promises. I know you hate me, Cara.”
“I’ll be there. I don’t make promises if I don’t mean it. You know that,” I argued back before my eyes dropped to the coffee table and stared at the contents laid out before me.
Soft crystal white powder and his AMEX card.
“River?” I asked shakily before glancing at him. How long had this gone on?
“It’s nothing.” He shrugged the subject away like it wasn’t a big deal.
Well, it was a huge deal to me, and his total nonchalance grated me to no end. My God, I didn’t know this man. The old River would never even fathom touching such toxicity.
“It’s not nothing! How long have you been doing this?” I had to refrain the urge to slap him silly.
“Not that long … It began the night I heard you scream his name.” If he seemed beyond pale before, now he looked almost lifeless.
His response befuddled me. I understood his anger and where he was coming from, but cocaine? That kind of bullshit would get him into more trouble.
“That’s ludicrous. You have to stop this! This is going to kill you.”
“You sound concerned.”
Was he mocking me?
“The fuck I am! What’s gotten into you!” Rage filled me as I spat at him, wanting to smack some sense into him.
“Is this why you’re here? To lecture me how to live my life?” He shut his eyes, seeming to run out of patience.
This wasn’t the route for him. Not drugs. It could never be the answer when one was in pain. The repercussions were too high; the stake irreplaceable.
“River, please. Mattie taught us better.”
