Bear v. Shark: The Novel

by Chris Bachelder

  May 23, 1999: Attached to wires 90 feet above the mat and near the top of the sold-out Kemper Arena in Kansas City, Mo., professional wrestler Owen Hart, thirty-four, is set to make a dramatic entrance into the ring, where he will square off against a WWF foe in yet another grudge match full of myth and mask. The plan, as WWF president Vince McMahon later says, is for Hart to descend in superhero-type fashion.

  But Hart, his harness incorrectly hitched, plummets 90 feet into the ring. His head hits a turnbuckle and snaps back. He struggles to lift his head and his arms, but then he collapses. Paramedics enter the ring, strip Hart of his trademark Blue Blazer mask, and work unsuccessfully to revive him. He is pronounced dead at the hospital.

  Even after Hart’s head slams into the metal turnbuckle — an injury that would be, from the perspective of any early-century viewer, unmistakably and horrifically real — many of the 16,200 fans in attendance think the fatal fall is just another of the scripted stunts that have helped make professional wrestling so popular.

  Less than twenty-four hours later, 19,000 fans pack the Kiel Center in St. Louis for the next scheduled stop on the WWF tour. The show goes on.

  If you enjoyed this LSS edition, look for others on-line. Our catalog includes: Hitler in a Nutshell; The French Revolution, in Essence; The Middle Ages: A Summary; String Theory for the Working Woman; Notes on the Renaissance; Finite Jest; The Pocket Reformation; The Bathroom Einstein; Two-Minute Bible; The Concise Faulkner; and Bear v. Shark: The Novel.

  69

  A Waterfall

  Nearing Las Vegas, Mr. Norman remembers a place that he and his wife used to go together. A place they discovered, a place on his body, actually, this little patch of skin underneath his, you know, his scrotum, that she would touch with fingers or tongue and it was real there and they could go there together. They could mute that old Television, the one he got from his parents, and they could take a trip together to this true place, his soul, the seat of his emotions.

  It’s Friday night. The industrial sun is setting and it is beautiful.

  Without realizing it, Mr. Norman has his hand in his lap, searching for his soul. He can’t find it.

  When was the last time? Or the last time she bit him? Not hard, ever, just a quick strike, a lunge, lizard-quick. It left a mark and he would cry not because it hurt but just because.

  He looks at her and she is sleeping. And she is drooling, I’m afraid.

  The President of the United States says, “Well, listen, I think they’re both tough competitors, very well matched. Whichever way it comes out, I’m sure it’ll be a great fight and I’m sure it’ll be great for this nation.”

  In the rearview mirror Mr. Norman looks back into the darkness. His children are back there somewhere, asleep. He can’t see their knees. Mr. Norman wonders if they’ll ever get bitten or touched in a way that is true and real.

  A reporter says, “Have the authorities taken any steps to prevent the sort of rioting that occurred after Bear v. Shark I?”

  Why? Why is he taking his family to Las Vegas?

  Las Vegas?

  They all need to go somewhere pure, fresh, real. A waterfall, a meadow, a snow-capped mountain. Disneyland, with rides and well-scrubbed youths in costumes and cotton candy and oh Christ no not Disneyland but somewhere else green and fresh with water.

  Blue blue blue, a mountain stream, blue as his Web page border, bluer.

  The Normans are five miles from the Vegas border.

  Melvin in League City, Texas, says, “I’d off my grannie for a ticket. I’d rassle a bear for a ticket. I’d give up my Television for a ticket.”

  No DVD no DVD no DVD no DVD.

  A waterfall. Falling water. He doesn’t know, maybe rocks, lichen, snails.

  Yes.

  He can see it, pure, the water falling down a waterfall.

  Mrs. Norman stirs, murmurs.

  Yes. Like in that soap commercial.

  Mrs. Norman screams.

  Mr. Norman exits the interstate. Two left turns and he’s back on it, driving away from Las Vegas. Away from the neon horizon, the tits, the gambling, the Spectacle.

  and now this . . .

  Part Two

  Misunderstandings

  and Their Remedies

  70

  The Ghost of the

  American Vacation

  Hi, folks, and welcome back to another episode of American Vacation. I’m Walt West and next to me here in the studio and providing color commentary for our broadcast this weekend is Chris Blackletter. Howd I do on the name, Chris?

  Not too bad, Walt.

  Welcome, Chris, and thanks for filling in on such short notice.

  I’m happy to be here.

  Now Chris, it says here you have a Ph.D. in English from a mid-tier school.

  Well, I finished my coursework, Walt.

  So you don’t actually have a Ph.D.

  Not technically.

  What did you study?

  Rhetoric.

  And tell the folks at home a little about rhetoric.

  I’m afraid I’m not really very clear on that. After all those books.

  A field of study at the nexus between language and reality.

  They still haven’t found that nexus, Walt. They’ve given up trying. Damn Holy Grail.

  Everything is language.

  That’s what they say.

  So rhetoric is the study of everything.

  It appears that way.

  So it’s really not the study of anything, then, is it?

  It doesn’t look like it, no.

  But you do have a master’s degree in English?

  Yes.

  And that is also from a mid-tier school?

  Yes it is.

  OK. Good. So Chris, what do you like to do when you’re not . . . Well what do you like to do?

  I read a lot.

  I should hope so!

  And I’ve done some work in the catering business, of course. Which is how you discovered me.

  Yeah, nice spread here, by the way. Melon balls, spinach dip, wavy carrots.

  We try to interact with both you and the food.

  These are good, these bamboo-steamed tofu dumplings. And what’s that?

  That’s an artichoke topiary.

  Do you eat it, Chris?

  It’s more of a decorative type thing.

  It’s pretty.

  And I’ve freelanced some. I did a piece on cosmetic surgery for this women’s business magazine in central North Carolina.

  That one got past me, I’m afraid.

  My editor seemed to like it.

  I bet he did.

  She.

  She. Say, Chris, you’re not a communist, are you?

  Well, I’d rather not —

  Ha! Just a joke. You’re not on trial here, friend.

  OK.

  Say, if this works out, maybe you can come back and do some more broadcasts this season.

  That would be neat, Walt.

  Think the boss would let us borrow you again?

  Maybe.

  Your big break, huh?

  Yeah, just lucky for me that Thomas Pynchon couldn’t make it.

  And David Foster Wallace, Donald Antrim, Lorrie Moore.

  Walt, don’t forget Rick Moody.

  Ooh, yes, he would have been good.

  And George Saunders.

  OK, so Chris has peed in the cup, it’s all official, he’s clean as a whistle and we’re ready to get started. It looks as if the Normans will hit Las Vegas in ten or fifteen minutes.

  Funny how they say clean as a whistle. Your basic whistle has been in people’s mouths. Seems like there would be a lot of germs and bugs and stuff on it.

  Hey now, that was a colorful thing you just said, Kirk.

  Fricky-frack, who needs Pynchon?

  Whoa, this is a family show, friend.

  Gotcha.

  Chris, I know you’ve done your homework. What are the keys to a successful family vacation this
weekend for the Normans?

  Well, looking at the children first, Matthew is solid, he’s not going to cause many problems. He’s surly and jaded, yes. Languid, probably depressive, but he’s obedient, you know? But Calvin —

  It’s Curtis.

  But with Curtis, you kind of have to keep your eye on him. He’s a weird dude and kind of a mayhem magnet.

  Well put.

  The kid’s probably got an FBI file. Most of his money laundering has been strictly computer gaming, but some of it, apparently, has been real. He tends to get shot.

  Yes.

  Mrs. Norman is worry free from a viewer’s standpoint. She is a great consumer, she’s a patriot, she’s family oriented, she won’t make waves. Somewhere deep in the back of her mind, she may have some reservations about taking her young children to see such gruesome violence, but she isn’t about to let these reservations spoil all of the fun. She’s excited about the big, bloody show and she just wants to share those moments with her loved ones. And Walt, I’m sure you’ve noticed, she’s just a posture nut.

  I think probably vitamins are the key to longevity.

  It’s like whatever happened to the folic acid craze? Here and gone.

  Chip, what about Mr. Norman?

  Walt, Mr. Norman is the wild card here. I think he’s the one to watch.

  A real loose cannon.

  Yes.

  A time bomb, huh?

  He’s been behaving erratically. He’s disoriented, exhausted. He daydreams, he babbles. He is nagged by something he cannot name. He doesn’t feel connected to anything or anyone. He’s lonely, Walt, lonely. He occasionally wonders if this culture has anything of meaning to offer.

  Which is sad.

  Very.

  Because here’s a guy who has tickets to what has been called by some the greatest spectacle in all of recorded history.

  Bigger than Lincoln-Douglas?

  Do you know what people would do for those tickets?

  I’ve heard some of the things, yes.

  This Mr. Norman, he’s got a job, a family, a Sport Utility Vehicle. He’s headed to a country with the best entertainer-to-entertainee ratio in the free world. It’s guys like him that really get me, you know? I mean, what more can this guy want?

  I’d say maybe he wants a little less.

  Any chance you’ll finish that Ph.D., Chris?

  Doubtful.

  Rhetoric is the art of using the available means of persuasion in any given case.

  Aristotle.

  What I shall urge is that rhetoric should be a study of misunderstandings, and their remedies.

  Yeah, I. A. Richards. That’s a good one.

  The handmaiden to philosophy.

  You’ll get calls and letters on that one.

  So Mr. Norman is the key.

  Yeah, he’s very unpredictable right now. I just feel like he is capable of anything. Or nothing, maybe. But I guess that’s why folks tune in.

  Actually, Carl, our research indicates that folks tune in to see average American families enjoying American-style vacations in entertaining pleasure spots.

  OK.

  And this episode is special because although we’re not allowed to broadcast Bear v. Shark, we can broadcast an American family watching Bear v. Shark, and for many Americans, this will be as close to the action as they can get.

  Did you know, Walt, that my brother-in-law invented Bear v. Shark?

  Hey, good one, so did mine!

  No really.

  It’s difficult, Chris, to overestimate the importance of this event to the American public.

  No argument there, Walt.

  It’s a democratizing force.

  So I’ve heard.

  With the Internet, everyone with an opinion can have their say and be heard. The poorest squirrel eater out there in the sticks, provided he has a decent Internet provider, can set up his Web page right alongside the rich kid in the suburbs. Technology and entertainment have leveled class distinctions and created a pure form of democracy.

  Well.

  I mean, what are the chances, one hundred years ago, that these people living out in the wilderness would have ever even heard of bears and sharks? And now they’re out there e-gambling, taking part in opinion polls, and talking fins and claws on chat lines. It’s staggering how far we’ve come.

  I’m thinking town meeting here, Walt.

  Exactly, yes. A town meeting called in a global village to discuss who would win in a fight between two large and fearsome creatures.

  Fake creatures.

  Well, Chris, fake only in the sense that they are not real.

  Granted.

  It’s palpably galvanizing.

  Indeed.

  Founding Fathers.

  Yes.

  Citizenship.

  OK.

  And rhetoric, my friend. In this kind of radically democratic political environment, expertise in rhetoric becomes vital, does it not?

  Vital, Walt.

  If Joe Six-Pack wants to put his hard-earned money down on either the bear or the shark, he has to be expert in evaluating truth claims and logical coherence.

  You’re talking here of gambling?

  Chris, how do you see the bout?

  I’m a shark guy, Walt. I was a shark guy way back when it was just a North Carolina parlor game and I’m still a shark guy. In fact, I’ve never really understood all the fuss, but I know that there are really smart people who think the bear has the edge.

  Yes, as you know, the question does not correlate strongly with education level.

  But people in seafaring industries are much more likely to believe the shark will win, and I put some stock in that. Some of these fellas are one-legged, if you catch my drift, Walt.

  But the same could be said about folks in the West, the forest rangers and such who rioted after Bear v. Shark I. They’re bear people out there. They’ve seen bears. They know what bears can do. These people have beards and flannel shirts, and they wear the right boots for the job.

  Walt, I never really understood how they rioted in the forest.

  Overturned trees, looted eagles’ nests, that sort of thing.

  A civil disobedience situation?

  Yes, trashing the forest in the spirit of Thoreau and MLK.

  What did that prove, Walt?

  It proved that they had strong feelings about something. Rioting is an American tradition. We’re a people who riot when we are mad or sad or happy. It was just unfortunate in this case because there were no cameras to capture the spontaneous outburst of feeling. All we have to go on is the rioters’ testimony on their Web sites, which are very moving. Rhetorically savvy.

  Hey Walt, if a rioter overturns a tree in the forest and nobody — ah, never mind.

  Your prediction, Clint?

  I like the shark in three rounds. It’s going to go longer than the first time, provided they’ve worked out all the kinks, head size and what have you, but it won’t go the distance.

  There you have it. I’m Walt West, this is Chris Bandleader, and you’re watching American Vacation, folks. Say, Chris, did you know that a shark literally cannot swim backward?

  That’s an urban myth.

  Hey Chris, what do you get when you cross a bear and a shark?

  I give up.

  Mauled.

  Well, Walt, you know why the bear lost the first match, don’t you?

  Umm . . .

  He stayed out late the night before looking for a little head.

  OK, let’s take a look at some of the e-mails we’ve gotten in the studio from viewers at home. Paul in Ohio writes, Where’s Pynchon. My Internet cable listings said it was going to be Pynchon doing color. That guy with the cummerbund ain’t Pynchon. Well, you cant please everyone, eh Kevin?

  I guess not. People get sick. It happens.

  OK, Jennifer in New Jersey writes, I love American Vacation. It’s way better than American-Style Journey and A Family Trip Situation. Keep up the good wor
k. Hey, thanks, Jennifer, it’s always nice to get positive feedback.

  Thanks, Jennifer.

  Nathan in Missouri writes, Hey whatever happened to Jell-O. It was so huge for a long time and now it’s difficult to find and I can’t find it. It used to jiggle. Well, keep looking, Nathan. Weve got to take a break now. Well be right back for more American Vacation. Dont touch that dial.

  Bad credit? No credit? No problem

  and now all of a sudden Turner can’t find the strike zone

  this administration has clearly shown no interest in the peace talks

  we just didn’t play with any hunger and they did

  her most recent album has soared up the charts

  Why they say album?

  I dunno. Why they say Don’t touch that dial?

  another round of successful missile strikes

  Nobody has no dial.

  human milk is fine for average children

  That’s what I’m saying.

  serial rapist

  sleek design

  There are guys wearing digital watches in Spartacus, weren’t no digital watches in toga times.

  we recently caught up with the busy little lady in Los Angeles and here’s what she had to say

  that’s the seventh spinal cord injury we’ve seen this season, Butch

  a five-year, 100-million-dollar deal

  no word on civilian casualties

  last weekend at the box office

  high winds

  bears can’t run downhill

  dammit, Billy, you can’t just have everything you want life doesn’t work like that

  meanwhile, the drought continues

  you slept with her didn’t you well how was she was it worth it

  do you have trouble keeping your food down?

  Hey flip it back to my show.

  What were you watching?

  the only hot dog with vitamin C

  American Vacation.

  the Lord wants you to make sound financial decisions

  What channel?

  we’re so confident that you’ll be satisfied that we offer

  the blood was actually running down the hill I know you would think that the blood would soak into the earth but what I’m saying is that the ground was so saturated with blood that it ran down the hill and covered our boots