I put out the fire and walk the beach.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Emily
He’s leaving. I know some how it’s my fault. It shouldn’t bother me. He was bound to leave anyway.
Who were we kidding anyway? We can’t be friends. This whole arrangement was bound to blow up in our faces. It shouldn’t surprise me that he’s getting the hell out of here the first chance he gets.
Didn’t I practically scream at him that we would never sleep together? Yes. Did I mean it? I don’t know. Part of me wants to mean it. The other part is kicking myself stupid because I’m going to lose him. I pull out my notebook and start jotting down things I want in a companion while tears splash against the page.
I swipe my hand under my eyes and close my notebook shut as soon as I hear a knock on my door. “Come in,” I say in a scratchy voice.
Maddy enters my room, and her lips are turn downward. “Oh, Em. I’m sorry he’s a jackass.”
I laugh. “Is he?”
She takes a seat on my bed. “I love my brother, but I’m really pissed he hurt you. He crossed the line.”
“No, he didn’t. I did. A while ago. Look, it was no secret that I liked him a lot. But he friend zoned me. For years. And when he finally noticed me, I realized I couldn’t be another number. Be another girl he would forever avoid. That’s why I stopped it before we went too far.”
She nods. “Okay …”
I shut my eyes, then look at my feet. “Mads, you remember how mad you were at Bryce? You tried moving on, but he came to the movies and gave you that bracelet?”
“Yeah, but …”
“Hear me out. He told you he loved you. You still left though. A few days after graduation, you took off for Pennsylvania. Even though you knew you loved him too, you let him go. I thought that was crazy, but I finally get it. I know you noticed that I’ve changed. I’m working on finding myself again. But it’s something I must do. No one else can do it for me. So, no matter what my body seems to want with your brother, I have to push him away. It hurts me. Believe me when I say it kills me, but I’ve got to.”
She hugs me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened, but I’m sorry.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I’m going to be okay though. I promise.”
She pulls back and smiles. “Better. Who else am I going to have for my maid of honor?”
I make a face. “Uck. I better not have to wear something hideous.”
“I would never. But what do you think about a Little Bo Peep theme wedding?”
I shoot her a glare. “You better not.”
She laughs and I laugh too. “I’m kidding. God, could you see Bryce’s face? He’d probably tell me never mind and runaway.”
“Yep. I know I would,” I say, still laughing.
“It’s good to see you laughing.” She hugs me again and gets up off my bed. “I think I’ll leave you alone now unless you want to talk some more?”
“Nah. I think I’m all good for now.”
She smiles and walks out of my room. Maybe Kyle being away will be a good thing. But every time I think about what he might be doing, I feel sick to my stomach. He’s going to fuck some random girl and forget all about me.
I lay back against the mattress and stare at the ceiling. He said he could have fallen for me. The words sting even if they hold no truth. Hot tears keep pouring from my eyes. It can’t be true. If that’s how he felt, why didn’t he try contacting me? Why did he act like we did nothing together?
He’s a stupid player, and since his attempts have failed, he’s trying to hurt me with words. Well, I don’t need him. I push off the bed and head to my dresser. Opening the first drawer, I look around and grown. Where is it?
Next drawer is just clothes. Same with the next and the next. AHHHHHH! Kyle! I storm out of my room and don’t bother knocking. I throw open his door and start searching all his drawers. I toss all his clothes out onto the floor.
I’m working on the last drawer when a voice thunders through the room. “What the hell are you doing?”
I meet his glare with my own. “Where the hell is my vibrator?”
“In my pants!”
I walk over to him and smack him across the face. He doesn’t look stunned. He doesn’t even look angry.
I’m trembling and shrinking away from him. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Damn it, Emily. I’m not going to hurt you. Don’t you understand that?”
I nod. “I know. I just … where is it?”
“Why?”
“Because you’re going off to fuck other women.”
He closes his eyes and then opens them slowly. “Why does it matter?” he asks.
I smack his chest. “It doesn’t. You’re a jerk. I want my vibrator.”
“I can’t give it to you.”
“Why the hell not?”
He shrugs and makes his way around me. “I don’t want you to have it.”
Oh, who the hell does he think he is? I charge after him, but he whips around and grabs both of my wrists, then pushes me down on the bed. While he has me pinned in place, his breath coats my damp skin. “You need to listen to me. I’m not giving you what you want. Because I want you aching for me. I want you dripping at the thought of me sliding into you. I’m going to have you. All of you.” He places both wrists in one of his hands.
My breath picks up as he brushes his lips against mine, then whispers, “I’m going to taste you. I’m going to fuck you so hard you won’t think about a plastic toy between these thighs ever again. Only my fingers, my tongue, or my cock.” My eyes widen as he touches the ache between my legs.
“Kyle …”
“Tell me right now you don’t want me.”
I can’t because I do. Jesus, I want him right now.
He caresses my face as his lips ghost my skin. It sends my heart hammering against my chest. Kyle’s lips press hard against mine. The kiss is full of passion and desire that it causes me to open for him. His tongue gently brushes mine. He tastes really sweet. I need more of it. He releases my hands and begins running his right hand down my body. My fingers dig through his hair.
Our bodies are pressed together. He lifts me slightly, and my legs instinctively wrap around his waist. He grinds his erection to my spot, and I cry out, “Please.”
He grins and does it again.
We’re still completely clothed, and I hate it. I need to really feel him. All this fabric is getting in the way.
“Emily, you’re mine.”
“Kyle,” I breathe his name as an ache resides in me.
“Baby, stop doubting me.”
They are just words. When I search his eyes though, I feel like he’s telling me the truth. Could he really be that good at lying?
“I can’t,” I say in a soft voice. “I’m damaged.”
“I know. That’s why we’re going to take this slow.”
“But you’re leaving to be with other girls.”
“No.” He holds my gaze as he breathes out his words. “You need me to leave. I’m not going to mess around or fuck anyone. I’m doing this so you can figure out what you really want, Em. You can’t do that with me here.”
I sniffle and squeeze my eyes shut. “What if … what if I can’t figure it out?”
“I’m not looking for you to fix you, baby. I just want you to be able to give me a definite yes or no if you’re on board with this thing we’re doing. I want to know if you want to give going slow a chance, or if we should just go our separate ways. That’s all.”
“Okay.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Kyle
Emily is resting next to me with her back against my chest. Her breathing is a soft lull. I place light kisses along her shoulder and up her neck to her ear. I let my teeth scrape her earlobe as she moans.
My fingers trail down her arm, and then I pull her to me. I need her to be as close as possible. Another soft moan escapes her lips, and I whisper, “You’re so beautif
ul. You always have been.”
“Mmmm, kay.”
“I mean it. Emily, I wanted you for a long time. But there was always that line stopping me.”
She turns and faces me staring deeply in my eyes. “What made you change your mind?”
“I’m done fighting. I can’t keep fighting what I want. Maddy will get the fuck over it.”
She draws her hand up and pulls my head down to hers. Our lips touch, and Jesus, her kisses are the best I’ve ever had they’re delicious and warm and as addicting as a druggie is to crack. I’m completely screwed if this goes wrong.
When we break away, I trail kisses along her exposed skin. She leans in and whimpers as my fingers brush her backside. Emily’s skin flushes a beautiful pink. She’s mine. I want more though. I want to sink into her and give her all of me.
But we also agreed to go slow. What was I thinking?
She presses against me, and I groan. “Baby, you keep that up, and we won’t be going slow. I’ll rip your panties off and drive right into you.”
Emily gasps. “Oh.”
I nip her ear, and pull back only to catch the small frown on her face.
“Nope. That’s not allowed if you’re with me. What’s wrong, baby?”
“I just … are you still leaving?”
I shrug. “I told the guys I was. I’d be a dick if I didn’t go. You know?”
She nods.
I press a kiss to her mouth, then study her. “Do you trust me?”
“I trust that you think you won’t cheat on me.”
Those words set me off. I’m many things, but I don’t two-time. Yeah, I know lots of dudes who do, but I’m a one-lady-at-a-time kind of guy. For her to think I’m not just makes me feel like dirt. “Hey, first off, there won’t be any cheating. I might be a player, Em, but it’s always been one girl at a time. You knew this, and nothing’s changed from Christmas break to now. If I’m with someone, I’m with them, no one else. I’m with you. Okay?”
“Yeah. But it might take a while for me to be ready to go all the way. Maybe … maybe we should do this when you come back.”
I pull away and stare in her eyes. “Are you joking?”
“No. Kyle, I don’t want you tied down.”
I raise a brow. “Or is it you don’t want to be tied down? Fuck, Em. This hot and cold shit is fucking bullshit.”
She lowers her lashes, and I peel myself from my bed.
I make a beeline for my closet. I pull down her fucking vibrator and toss it at the bed. “Take it and get out.”
“Kyle, I’m trying to be reasonable for you. Your needs.”
I narrow my eyes. “For me? My needs? I don’t do relationships, Em, but I was willing for you. For fuck’s sake, I didn’t think you needed it spelled the hell out. Forget it. Clearly, this is all one big mistake. Just get the hell out of here.”
I don’t miss the soft sobs filling the room. It takes everything in me to stand my ground. I didn’t do this, she did. She keeps shoving me away.
“Em, please leave me alone.”
I watch her gather her vibrator and then she stalks out of my room. Once the door is closed, I cock back my arm and slam it into the drywall. It dents and crumbles along my throbbing knuckles.
Shit. I’m going to have to patch that up.
Replaying the night over in my head, I’m still coming up empty of where shit went ungodly wrong. We kissed, spooned, laughed, and slept good. I don’t snore. So I know that’s not an issue. She doesn’t either. There was nothing to really be embarrassed about if that was the reason for her crazy need to keep me at arm’s length. Unless she’s super horny, and maybe my whole going slow proposal wasn’t suiting her needs anymore. In that case, all she has to do is say the magic words “I’m ready.”
But she didn’t say that. She said she wanted me free to fuck around. Who does that and then sobs about it?
I flip the lock on my door and start cleaning my room. While I’m at it, I’m going to pack too. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Emily
“He’s gone,” I say to Dr. Sommers.
“You’ve said that. That still doesn’t answer the question I asked. Now that you’ve had time to reflect, how does Kyle leaving make you feel?”
I glance up at her and stare into her deep brown eyes; then I shake my head. “I feel like hell! I can’t sleep. I keep picturing him with some other girl. His soft kisses all across her skin. Giving her things that he could have been giving me. And it makes me sick. I’m stupid!”
“You’re not stupid, Emily. You just need to heal before starting something new. It hurts, I know, but you did the best thing for you.”
I blink back tears. “How can you say that? I’m a mess. Kyle was willing to be in a relationship with me. I could have flipped him. Do you know how many girls in the world are cursing me right now? Hundreds. Why? Because I let him go. I just pushed him into his old ways and wiped my hands of him.”
“Didn’t you tell me earlier you woke up in your closet?”
I sigh as I nod. I left out the part it was Kyle’s closet. He’s been gone for day. I thought I was okay. I thought that this was a good thing. But then there was a horrible storm last night. Between the crazy rain, and the howling wind, I was too scared to sleep in my room. At the next shot of lightning and roar of thunder, I bolted from my room and went into Kyle’s. I stole the pillow and the blanket from his bed and laid down inside his dark closet. Between his scent and the small space, I felt safe. Like he was there wrapping his arms around me and protecting me.
“Emily, that’s your body telling you that you are still healing.”
Is it? Or is it telling me I’m an idiot? “Okay,” I say.
“Have you had any nightmares about your past lately?”
I shake my head. I haven’t had one since the night I slept in Kyle’s bed. Usually I’d have them every night. Vince’s voice would invade my sleep. His threats, then his hands squeeze the life out of my neck.
“Have you been taking the meds I prescribed during our last visit?”
I nod.
“Good. How have you been feeling? Have there been any panic attacks since?”
I shake my head. “I feel okay.”
“I’m glad. If you ever start to experience the panic attacks again, you need to tell me right away.”
Even though I agree, I don’t think I will. She gives me a small smile and then says, “Did you do the homework I assigned for you?”
“Yes.” I hand over my notebook. “I’m sorry some of the pages are a little messy.” I don’t tell her the companion assignment made me cry, resulting with tearstained pages.
She looks over my listed words and then makes a low hum. She set the notebook in her lap and says, “This is good. I think we should discuss this.”
“Um, okay.”
“For friendship, you describe someone loyal, but you don’t want them to be overly involved. Can you explain this?”
I chew on my lower lip for a second. “I love my best friend. Seriously, she’s the greatest person ever. I would trust her with my life. But she has a tendency to be very motherly. She always wants to fix you if you’re sad or mad. She puts herself in the middle even if you didn’t want or ask her to.”
“I see. So you haven’t told her about Vince and what’s been going on because you feel like she’ll get involved.”
I nod. “Yeah. I mean, I know I should probably let her in. On the flipside of that, I don’t want her involved. Because even though Maddy is super loyal, she’s also brutally honest. And I’m not ready for the ‘I told you so’ yet.
She smiles. “Being open about this is hard, especially with someone you know. Telling it to a stranger might be a little easier, but it’s just as difficult. But I want you to picture this. Let’s imagine Vince as a spider. His webs are the hold he has over you. Hiding in closets is out of fear. Looking at the ground is out of fear. Now, picture scissors snippin
g away the webs. Each person you share your fear with releases his hold over you. It could take a while before all those webs are destroyed. It has to be you who helps do it though. Telling your story gives you the fighting chance you’ll need.”
“He can only harm you mentally now if you let him. By telling Madison or even Kyle or your parents what happened in Florida, you are releasing his power over you. I’m not saying it will happen overnight. But the fear will melt away.”
I hate Vince. I don’t want to be caught in these figurative webs of his. I want to be free. But I don’t want to tell Madison first.
After my session, I head back to the beach house. I enter the kitchen and do a double take. Graham smiles and then looks me over. “You okay, Em?”
“I thought … Sorry.”
“It’ll go by fast.”
“What will?”
He laughs. “The days until Kyle returns.”
“Yeah, I guess.” The mention of Kyle just sours my mood. He’s probably out gallivanting California and putting his royal scepter into every girl he meets. That thought right there does not sit well with me. And it’s silly because he’s not mine. I told him to do it. This jealous crap is very junior high.
Graham only nods and walks through the open living room and out the backdoor.
I make my way around the island, grab a banana, and plop down on the couch. After peeling back the ripened skin, I lift the banana and take a bite. Even though this is my favorite kind of fruit to eat, I’m not feeling it today. It tastes like I jammed cardboard into my mouth.
What’s going on with me? I’m in such a funk. Kyle’s probably waking up to some bleach blond pixie in his bed or he’s hooking up with a girl in one of those changing rooms. My current thoughts make my stomach churn.
To keep my mind off him, I need to snap out of it. Go shopping or something, anything really.
I head out to the beach with my purse secured over my shoulder. Madison spots me as she’s coming toward the house, patches of sand clinging to her legs and across her stomach. She waves at me and smiles. “Hey, you coming to hang out with us today?”
Kyle (Scandalous Boys Book 3) Page 11
