“I’m not in love! I never slept with Kyle. Fooled around a bit sure, but I don’t ever let myself go into the love zone. Like, yes. Love though is not on the table, ever. Besides I told you Kyle is not the Prince Charming fairy tales are made of.”
“Fairy tales aren’t real. Guys like that aren’t real. However, a type of Prince Charming is real. He’ll be the one person who shows you something, pushes you to be better, and will always be there for you in a way no one else can. Some people call them soul mates. Some people call them their match or better half. Some people label them as their own Prince Charmings.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t think Kyle’s that for me. I mean, sometimes he could be like when Maddy and I were freshman in high school. There was this guy named Landon Hawk. He’s Kyle’s age. I was drinking at a house party and made out with Landon. I guess he wanted to take it farther, but Kyle stopped us from heading upstairs, and next thing I knew, I woke up on Maddy’s floor. I didn’t know how I got there at first until I overheard Kyle telling Maddy that I better not attend any more parties because he might not always be there to babysit her friends. The next morning at school, Landon was telling everyone that I left him unsatisfied and I was nothing but a cock tease.” I shake my head. “It upset me. At first. Because the girls were brutal. They couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. By fourth period, I wanted to hide in a stall or run home and beg my mom to send me to boarding school or something. But a strange thing happened. As I was making my way to the restrooms to hide in shame, I spotted Landon sporting a busted lip and a bruised eye. I didn’t know what happened until around lunch time when I overheard some girls talking about Kyle beating Landon up.
“It’s when he did things like this I thought he was a hero. I guess. But then a week or two later, he pretended like I didn’t exist. He didn’t look at me. Acknowledge me when I said hello. He acted like a complete and utter asshole. But my stupid butt still liked him. I crushed on him hard, and I had every right to put him on the ‘pay no mind’ list.”
“But you didn’t,” she amends.
I shake my head. “During Christmas break, I was so upset that my parents left me behind. Kyle was there comforting me. It felt good. And then we kissed, and it was like nothing I ever imagined. I waited forever to kiss him, and when it happened, I got lost in it. But while we were messing around shedding clothes … reality set in. What will happen once he had me? Would I be another notch in his bedpost? Why was he just seeing me now? Was it because I was some girl he never had before and he doesn’t do repeats? The thought of him never looking at me again, never speaking to me again scared me. Doubts flooded my head, and I broke away from him before we went too far. I didn’t want to be a mistake.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and laugh. “It’s ridiculous really. I played the field just like him, but all those guys didn’t mean anything. Kyle means a lot, so I know I can’t pretend he was nothing important. And I think it’s because he didn’t have me and still hasn’t he keeps pulling me into his web. Or maybe it’s me pulling him into my web. Like, because I didn’t live out my fantasy with him, I’m consciously regretting it. Is that a thing?”
“Doubt is a very common thing to feel. Regret is also a very common thing to feel. I think if you truly believe Kyle is not the person you need in your life emotionally or physically; you should take a step back from him. Create space or ways to keep yourself from temptation,” she says.
“But what if I can’t? What if I’m not able to keep myself from him? How do I control myself?”
“Honestly, if you feel you can’t control yourself around him, then maybe you should think about cutting your vacation short. You came here to heal and help yourself. If these feelings for Kyle are stopping you from this, then I think it would be best to go somewhere else to heal.”
I nod. She’s probably right. But where would I be going? Home makes me crazy. This summer was supposed to be fun and with my best friend. If I go there and tell Madison I’m cutting ties on this little vacay with her, she’ll know something is up. She won’t let it go either until she uncovers my secrets. She’ll also blame Kyle, and that causes a deep pain to blossom in my chest.
“Emily, I want you to do something. First I’m going to give you a script to help keep you calm and relaxed. Next, make a list of all the things you are looking for. From these sessions, from a companion, from a friend, and from yourself. I want you to bring each list with you to your session next week. I don’t want to see you in my office until then. Okay?”
“But what if I need to talk?”
She leans forward and pats my knee. “Take a long walk if you are feeling overwhelmed. The script should help though. If not please call and we will try something else. If what’s bothering you has to do with Kyle, try writing it down. Whatever emotions you may be feeling or confused about, write them down. Bring it to our next session, and we will try to work through them.”
I frown. I thought talking to a stranger would make me feel better today. Instead I feel confused and like crap. Should I write that down?
On my way back to the house, I pick up a couple of notebooks and my prescription from the drugstore the make my way to the house. The first thing I notice upon my arrival is Kyle’s car was missing from the driveway. I sigh and head straight to my room. I hide my bottle of pills under the mattress and drop one of the notebooks on the bed and leave for the beach.
A long walk could probably do some good. Vince isn’t here. There is no reason to cower from the beach or fresh air. I can do this.
I walk a stretch of the sandy shore until I find a perfect spot. I plop down on the sand not caring that I might get sand stuck to my legs or on my shorts. Opening the notebook in my lap, I start writing.
On page one is a list of things I want for myself. It sounds pretty easy. But when I think about things I want, they sound well, stupid. Especially when the only thing I can think about wanting for myself is Kyle. See? Stupid.
I flip to a few more pages and decide to jot down things I want in a friend. Obvious I want them to be real and honest. Fake bitches can go you know where. I list the qualities Maddy and I have, but I also list the things Madison tends to do that irritate me. Like pry when I’m not ready to necessarily to open up. I get she’s concerned. Trust me, I do. Probably shouldn’t complain about her caring, but I also know she won’t be able to help with this. Not really. She’s never been in an abusive or stalker-like situation. Bryce is her first boyfriend, and she apparently got it right.
Sarah might know something about this, but I won’t open up to her. I still don’t fully trust her. Not enough with my secrets.
I go to the companion page and snort. What do I want in a companion? Nothing. Okay, if I were looking for someone I guess … I’d want them to be kind. Honest. I jot down some more things that I would like and then a dark shadow falls over my notebook. I look up with a start, and slam my book shut. “What are you doing?” I yell at Kyle who’s hovering over me.
“Um. Well … I spotted you on my run and decided to come see what you were up to. Whatcha writing?”
“None of your damn business.” I notice sweat glistening off his toned arms and forehead. God, he’s gorgeous. I hate how freaking sexy he is. It’s just added torture.
He raises a brow at me and laughs. “Really? Wow. Okay. I don’t know why you’re in such a mood with me, but I’m sorry.”
“You don’t even know what you’re apologizing for, so how can you mean it?” I roll my eyes. “I think we should keep some distance from each other.”
“Why?” He sits down next to me. Seriously. I swear if I don’t kill him, it will be a miracle.
I set my steely glare upon him. “Are you kidding? I say I need distance and you sit down?”
“Yeah. Because it’s bullshit! Emily, what the fuck is going on with you? Don’t tell me nothing. Don’t tell me to mind my own business either. And don’t tell me it’s the whole ‘you not me thing’ either. I’m not buyin
g any of it.”
I set my notebook on the other side and curl my fingers until my nails dig into my palms. After two deep breaths, I grumble, “Not everything in this world is about you, Kyle! Sometimes when people say it’s none of your damn business, it really means it’s none of your damn business. But since you insist on bringing out the worst in me, fine. I don’t want to be with you. Not anymore. Not if all you are going to do is use me and leave me.”
“Whoa! Who said I would do that to you? I told you I didn’t know what this was but I liked it. I like having fun with you. So you’re busting my balls because I don’t want to label us?”
“There is no us, nimrod! You don’t do relationships, Kyle. No girl is going to change that. And I’m not stupid enough to try. I’ve seen the end results. Many times. I’ve heard the end results too.”
He shakes his head. “You’re not the same Emily over break.” He stands up and dusts sand off him. “It’s a shame too because I could have fell for her.”
I laugh. “Yeah. Sure, Kyle.”
“You’ll never know, will you?” With that question hanging in the air, he walks away.
This is for the best.
Chapter Twenty-One
Kyle
I’m done. Chasing Emily is a mistake. My phone skitters across my nightstand as the screen lights up. Granger. I pick up. “Hey, man. What’s up?”
“Hey, man. I was just making sure you’re still down with the Cali trip.”
“Yeah. I’m down.”
“Sweet! I already sent out a group text with the details.”
My phone beeps, and I notice I got a text. I pull it down and read while he talks. “You and Aaron are going to bunk together if that’s cool. Oh, and I don’t know if any of the other guys called, but Melissa and Kelly are coming.”
Melissa and Kelly are on the dance team, and they both want my nuts bad. I turned Kelly done because she has that clingy vibe. Melissa had a boyfriend for a while, but her eyes always lingered on me. I don’t tap taken chicks. I don’t chase after them either no matter how hot they might be. That’s not my style.
“Melissa and her dude split, so she’s on the prowl,” Granger says.
I get off my bed and pace the room with my cell pressed to my ear. I glance out at the window and catch a glimpse of Emily storming her way to the house. Done. Done. Done. I turn away and say, “Awesome!”
“This is going to be epic, man! All right I’ll keep in touch and see you soon.”
“Sweet, thanks. See you soon.” I hang up.
“See who soon?” Maddy asks.
“Granger. I’m going to Cali for a few days. You cool with that?”
She shakes her head. “No. What if Mom calls?”
“Tell her I went out for a run.”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m being serious, Kyle. What if she drives here as a surprise visit or something?”
“I’ll deal with the consequences when that happens.”
“And what about me? Are you really going to throw me under the bus?”
I glare at her. “You threw me under a lot of buses, Maddy. What goes around comes around. Like that party I threw junior year while Mom and Dad were having a romantic weekend. And you told them what I did.”
She places her hands on her hips and huffs. “So this is payback?”
“No. I need to get the hell out of here. That’s all. I need to be around my friends.”
She chews on her lower lip and nods. “Okay. I get it. When will you be back?”
I shrug. “The fifth.”
She nods again. “When are you leaving?”
“Last day of the month.”
“That’s in four days.”
“I know.”
She frowns. “Okay.” She hugs me, then walks out of my room. I expected more of a fight out of my little sister. Guess she thinks this is for the best too.
Later that day we’re all sitting around the fire pit. Sarah is leaning against Graham, roasting a marshmallow.
“Babe. Come on. You’re doing it wrong,” he says.
“I am not.”
“Yeah. You are. I’m not the only one seeing this, right?” he complains while looking around at the rest of us.
Madison just chuckles. “Quit being such a control freak. She likes burned marshmallows for her s’mores.”
“Um, no. That is charred.” He points at the flaming marshmallow on Sarah’s stick.
Bryce comes out on the deck carrying drinks. “What did I miss?”
“Oh, just Sarah burning the marshmallow and Graham having a fit over it,” Maddy says.
He looks at Graham while Sarah and passes a beer to Graham. “Dude, that’s practically ash.”
“I know! Jesus. Thank you! See, I’m not nuts.”
Sarah scowls at Bryce, then hands her now empty stick to Graham. “All right then. Show me how it’s supposed to be.”
I roll my eyes at them. Bryce passes me a beer, and I clank mine to his, then take a long drink. Emily enters the deck looks around and I automatically scoot over on the wraparound couch, and pat the empty spot next to me. She looks hesitant but eventually sits down right beside me. “Want a s’more?” I ask.
She shrugs.
I take this as a yes and start grabbing up the materials. “Want me to toast the marshmallow?”
“Sure.”
Perfect. She’s pissed at me. Well, I’m still ticked at her too. I’m trying though. Why? I want to say it’s for Madison’s sake, but that would be lying. I know damn well it’s because I still want Em. As insane and stupid as that is, yeah, I still want her.
I lean forward a bit and hold the stick over the flames. I glance up and notice everyone is silently watching us. Fantastic. What the hell are they waiting for exactly, I’m not sure. But they seem to be wanting some sort of show. Well, they can fucking wait a while. I’m not going to give them shit.
The marshmallow slowly starts to turn from white to a golden brown. Yeah, I’m kind of the master at making the perfect s’more. I pull the stick back and place the marshmallow between a graham cracker and chunk of chocolate. I hand over the creation to Em.
Before she takes a bite, Graham says, “When are you leaving for Cali?”
“In a few days.”
“You’re leaving?” Em asks as she drops the s’more I made onto her lap. She picks it up haphazardly and smears melted chocolate along her jean shorts.
“Uh, yeah,” I say.
She stops fidgeting with the mess in her lap and locks her gaze with mine. My heart aches as her eyes glitter with tears. I shouldn’t care. She’s been pushing me away from the start. So why the hell should her opinion matter? And why do I feel like someone stuck a knife in me when she stands up and leaves?
Everyone else just looks at me like I did something wrong. “What?” I yell.
“Dude, you do realize you just royally fucked-up right?” Bryce says.
“What are you talking about?”
Maddy shakes her head at me. “You’re such an idiot, Kyle!” Then she stamps off into the house.
I glance over at Sarah. She takes a deep breath and looks over at Graham. “Nice going, babe.”
He shrugs. “How was I supposed to know it was a secret?”
“It’s not that. I’m pretty sure he wanted to tell her,” she says. Then she looks over at me. “And Kyle, you can’t be that blind. Emily likes you. She also knows you. Hell, we all know you. You leaving is practically code for being a manwhore somewhere else.”
I shake my head. “We’re not dating. We’re not even fucking. I truly don’t see the problem here.” I don’t mention that she’s consistently pushed me away. And she’s practically the bipolar one here, not me. Honestly, who fucking cares if I leave? Maybe the space will let her see what she wants. Maybe it’ll be me. Maybe … God I hope it’s me.
Sarah stands up and walks away without another word. Graham watches her walk off, and then he looks at me. “Man. You seriously don’t get it, do you?”<
br />
“Get what? What exactly am I failing to miss? Emily and I are not a couple. We’re not in a relationship. We’ve never slept together. She basically told me this afternoon she wants nothing to do with me. Again, what the hell is the problem? Because I’m not seeing one.”
Graham and Bryce exchange looks; then Bryce says, “The problem is this: she has feelings for you, dumbass. She might not admit to them. But the other day, some chick was checking you out, and Em noticed. She looked like she was going to go crazy on the girl.” He laughs. “It’s like looking a mirror version of you only shorter and with tits. I saw how you acted when you saw some dudes checking her out. You acted like she was all yours.”
“I don’t know what the hell you are talking about.”
Graham sets his beer down rather loudly. “It’s simple. You want to fuck the hell out of Em. She wants to do the same to you probably. Yet you aren’t. But you both intentionally cock block for one another. It makes no fucking sense. Grow a pair of balls and tell her you’re sorry. Then fuck each other or something because you two are depressing as all hell.” Then he gets up from his chair and walks inside.
Bryce shrugs and follows him.
Fucking bunch of tools. What the hell do they know? Not a damn thing. Em doesn’t want me. If she did, she wouldn’t keep shoving me aside. I’m not going in there and apologizing. I’m trying to salvage this situation. Maybe a few days apart and things won’t be awkward.
I shake my head at the next thought. Would she go find someone to be with if I wasn’t here? No. Shit, what if she does? This doesn’t sit well with me. Not at all.
I punch the cushion next to me and then rake my hands through my hair. I shouldn’t care! If she wants someone else, fine. I need to let her ass go. But the image of another man putting his hands on her sends me into a blind fury. I want to hurt the imaginary prick.
I think this is what some would call jealous. Shit shit shit! Jealousy falls into the love category. I’m fucked!
Kyle (Scandalous Boys Book 3) Page 10
