Motorhead

by Landish, Lauren

  “Yeah,” I whisper, getting the spray nozzle to start rinsing her hair. “Evan’s hot and cold, pulls me in and then pushes me away. I’m not the type that gives up easily though .”

  Ivy Jo grins, nodding. “Good on you. So what about the sex? I’m guessing it’s off the charts good ?”

  Damn, I like this woman. “Best ever. He’s aggressive in a good way but can be soft and teasing too. We’ve been all over the place . . . parking lots, his garage, the salon .”

  Brad, who’s on his second scone already, looks up and interrupts. “Oh, hell no, bitch, you didn’t just say the salon? Oh em gee, please tell me you disinfected whatever it was you got your groove on? In fact, never mind, I’m nope-ing the fuck outta here, burning the place down, and we’ll start over with the insurance money. Just tell me this, can I sit in my chair? The lobby ?”

  I smirk, giving Ivy Jo a wink, and purse my lips, zipping them shut as Brad throws his hands up and picks up a third scone. It’s mine, but at this point, I think it’s safer to just let him have it .

  I turn my attention back to Ivy Jo, who’s chuckling. “So yeah, the sex is definitely off the charts good .”

  She laughs as I sit her up. “Whoo-whee, girl, you are gone for this man. He likes you too, I can tell by what you said. Ain’t no man gonna pull you back after pushing you away unless he’s got something invested .”

  “Yeah well, not sure it matters. I’ve basically thrown myself at him, and he’s caught me, but then he retreats back to his corner and shuts me out again with a wall around him. I’m trying to make him see he doesn’t need to worry about breaking me, but damn if he’s not stubborn .”

  “Don’t you worry, just keep tapping that wall,” Ivy Jo says. “It won’t come down all at once, but the cracks will spread like spider webs, little weak spots all over until . . . boom, it comes crumbling down. Ooh, that reminds me, that’s an old Mellencamp tune. Lord, that man was hot back in his day, but then again, so was I. Anyway, when that wall falls, he’s gonna be scared to death, so you’d better be right there for him. But listen and listen close. You deserve to be loved right. I don’t mean sex, I mean in your soul. You need to be loved right, and he does too. Maybe you’re willing, ready, and able to love him right, and do it now. But if he isn’t ready, if he isn’t capable of doing right by you, don’t you wait around too long for him to get it straight. Every day is precious and you don’t want to spend it waiting around for him to figure out that you’re a damn good thing .”

  I don’t really know what to say, so I sort of agree and change the subject. “You’re right, and I just hope it works out. So tell me about your great-grandbabies .”

  Ivy Jo grins and gets the point, and as I finish with her hair, she goes on and on about her family. The cut and color is just like she asked, and while the old lady curl set isn’t something I’ve done in years, it’s just like a bicycle. You don’t forget how .

  “Okay, Ivy Jo, just a minute now.” I turn her to the mirror and she shrieks in horror .

  “Oh my gosh, child! You made me look like a damned drowned poodle!” She fluffs her hair with light fingers, her eyes horrified. “Someone call my damned lawyer !”

  I’m shocked. Maybe the curl set wasn’t as easy as I thought. “I’m really — ”

  She catches my eye with a smirk, almost giggling. “Gotcha!” A huge wave of relief sweeps over me, and she cackles while leaning back, wiping at her eyes. “Oh, that was fun. You should’ve seen your face. An old lady’s got to get her laughs in where she can, and that was too easy to not take advantage . ”

  I sigh and laugh along. It feels good, this woman’s crazy energy infusing me with some needed lightness in the midst of my swirling drama. “Good point. Okay, let’s get you turned over to Brad .”

  She moves over to Brad’s chair, and I think for a minute about asking her advice about the car drama and the camera guy .

  But before I start, I realize she’s talking to Brad about the cute trainer down at his gym and whether he should ask him out or not. I decide that maybe it’s his turn for a little Grandma wisdom and let it go, just enjoying the moment .

  I turn to look out the window, seeing the big bay doors open at the garage. There are legs sticking out from under a car, but even from here, I can tell it’s TJ and not Evan. I sigh, hoping that Grandma is right and it’s just a matter of sticking it out until Evan’s walls crumble down .

  Chapter 22

  Evan

  I watch McKayla look across the street as she carries in a load of groceries, and I can read her look as our eyes briefly meet as I finish off a cup of coffee outside .

  I don’t know how I’m going to get through to her. I’ve tried everything I can to push her away, and it didn’t work. I’ve thought about what Earl said, and even though I know he’s right, I’m not sure I can be what McKayla needs .

  She needs a safer kind of bad boy. The sort of guy who’ll be happy to go rolling on a Harley with her or go skydiving or any other crazy damned thing she has pop into her head, but who isn’t a ticking time bomb. She needs someone who can still be a rock, a foundation she can build her life upon .

  There’s a part of me that would like to be, but I know I’m not. Not now, and maybe not ever. But she isn’t getting it. Instead, she’s looking at me with that same mix of half exasperation, half confidence that tells me she still has her sights set on me and is only frustrated I haven’t accepted that yet .

  I at least owe her an apology, that I know for sure. But how do I apologize basically for my entire personality—my asshole tendencies, the way the darkness just spews forth sometimes beyond my control, and that I’m not even sure I can be some dinner date nice guy who treats her like the Princess I always call her .

  I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since it all went down. I’ve told TJ about the stalker, leaving out the sex beforehand, and that Earl and I are keeping a watch on McKayla, but he doesn’t understand. To TJ, ‘keeping an eye out’ means glancing over and not going out of your way, because bad shit just doesn’t happen to good people in his world .

  I know differently. I know that the only reason good people are able to sleep safely at night is because there are bad people like me who are willing to do bad shit to the other bad guys. So that means, in my case, I’ve taken the night shift so my last few nights have been spent in the pitch black, peering through the blinds, a set of binoculars at my side as my mind whirls and replays every moment with McKayla and the quick seconds with the stalker. Hopefully, the sneaky fucker I’m hunting shows his face soon. I want this to be over with .

  With nights spent frozen in waiting, I’ve had to bail on TJ a bit during the day, grabbing naps while Earl has found daily reasons to come walking by the street, chatting up folks as he always does. To someone who didn’t know better, you’d think he was just being his Nosy Nancy old self while maybe getting a little extra exercise, but I know he’s patrolling and I appreciate his diligence .

  TJ’s at least been cool about letting me head up for a few hours of shuteye in the late afternoon after we get most of the work done. At least, he’s been cool about it until today .

  “You watch her again last night ?”

  I pause at the door to the stairs and look at him with a raised eyebrow. “Of course. We haven’t caught the fucker yet .”

  TJ shakes his head, looking around the shop at the three jobs we’ve got stacked up right now. Fast Eddie cracked a steering rod at the track, the Pedersens have their minivan in for an oil flush and tune-up, and Earl himself brought in his old truck for a balance job on the rear axle. “Listen . . . have you talked to her? Maybe she knows something new or talked to the cops .”

  I’m silent. I don’t know how to tell him that after getting her up to her apartment and the two of us calmed down, I’d just held her for the few hours ‘till the sun rose. We’d started talking about who it could’ve been, what it might mean, and about how it was likely related to the incident with her car .


  I was ready to kick some ass and take some names. I had my immediate gut suspicions, including our all too friendly city councilman . . . but McKayla kept minimizing it. Maybe it was punk kids messing with her car, maybe the guy was taking pictures of the moon, just some big misunderstanding. Hopefully, that’s all it is, but my gut says that ain’t it .

  I wanted to give her something else to focus on, a distraction from the seriousness I suspected was coming, so I had shifted the conversation to talking about her .

  We chuckled through her stories about working in LA on a scandalous TV show, how Brad has a sort of second-level connection to some pretty famous people in town, and how she and Brad had decided to become their own bosses in a new place .

  It gave me a new understanding for just how big of a life upheaval they made together and made me appreciate that she has such a good friend in him .

  He’s more than just his prancing prissy act, though, and I respect that. He’s a risk-taker, living life on his own terms, anyone else be damned, and I fucking love that about McKayla too .

  I wish I were that gutsy. But I’m not .

  “Tell me about what scarred you,” McKayla says, leaning against me and nestling her head against my chest. “Because it must have been a lot to get past that basic bedrock of decency that I sense in you .”

  I consider telling her to fuck off, that she hasn’t got the right to ask about what’s fucked me up, but instead, I take a deep breath and start to answer her. “There was a lot . . . but the final straw was my second tour, this time to Afghanistan .”

  I close my eyes, and in my head, I can smell the odor of the camp. “Our base camp was in some backwater village. I could barely mumble the damn name. The Taliban had been getting up to their typical bullshit in the area, so the brigade commander thought it’d be a good place to send my company. We had to go in the old-fashioned way, humping our damn rucks and most of our supplies carried in by the three armored Humvees that were also supposedly our ‘heavy weapons platforms ’.

  That village, it was so poor that most of the people heated their houses by burning the dung of their goats. They cooked their breakfasts over fires of burning goat shit. I’ve never smelled anything so bad in all my life, and by the third day, I barely noticed it. It was sunk in everywhere .

  Things were quiet for a while. The Taliban were keeping their heads down, but we knew what they were doing. They’ve been doing the same trick for fifteen years, and before us, the older guys were playing the same fucking game with the Soviets. New unit comes into town full of piss and vinegar, lay low. Let us get worn down by the grind, by the homesickness and the bad rations and the once-a-week showers. Let us get worn down by seeing the starving kids who bugged us constantly for something from our MREs. We couldn’t give them a thing, though, because we knew if we gave one morsel to a kid, we’d have twenty more on our asses like ants to honey, and soon enough, some adult would get their ass in a twist saying we’d given them unclean food .

  So the Taliban waited, and even if we didn’t mean to, we started to relax. We let things slip, let things go slack . . . and that’s when they hit us .

  I’d been tasked with four other guys to take two of the Hummers to Battalion Headquarters on a supply run. Mail, more rations, ammo even though we’d hardly used any, shit like that .

  I was in the back of the lead Hummer when they hit. I got lucky, I guess. The rear Hummer was hit by a Taliban RPG full on, taking out the gas tank and turning our mail and most of our ammo into a ball of fire. But whoever was supposed to shoot at us was a little off. He hit near the right front tire. Perkins, the driver, jerked the wheel and got us off the road, where I jumped to save my ass . . .”

  I pause, and I open my eyes to feel McKayla stroking my face. “Evan, it’s okay .”

  I shake my head, kissing the tips of her fingers. “They went over the side. We were halfway up a mountain and there was no real guardrail. Some nights, I can still hear Perkins scream when he realized what he’d done. I turned my attention to the other Hummer, spraying up the hill toward where I guessed the attackers were. I had two hundred rounds and I used them. But there wasn’t much I could do. The other guys never had a chance. I tried, Princess . . . I tried so hard .”

  “What happened ?”

  “I had a radio,” I rasp, thinking back. “And I was lucky. The Air Force had a couple of birds in the area. They dropped napalm and tore up the mountainside with those big fucking guns of theirs in a couple of passes. They sent in an evac for me, and somehow, I got a cut on my cheek that needed three stitches. So I’ve got a Combat Infantry Badge, one barely deserved Purple Heart, and the rest of them . . . their families got a flag and a letter signed by the President. That’s it. But at nights, I can still see them .”

  I expected her to pity me. I’ve seen those looks before, but like she always does, she surprised me .

  Instead, McKayla stroked my face again before hugging me even as I stayed stiff in her arms, running her fingers through my hair. “You served well,” she said quietly. “Those ghosts, they’ll be with you, but they aren’t mad at you for surviving. They want you to live, Evan. To live well, to honor them by living well .”

  Her words shook me to my core, and now, looking across the garage at my brother, who’d taken my lost feelings and my laundry lists of mental issues with a simple decision that I was working in the garage with him, and that was that . . . I just don’t have the energy to deal with him right now .

  “She didn’t go to the cops. Doesn’t want to make a big deal. I’m thinking me and Earl can handle it anyway.” I give him a pointed look and hope he keeps his big mouth shut .

  TJ, who went to the cops last year when he found some wannabe gang graffiti on the rolling door, shrugs in that way he has that says he doesn’t understand but doesn’t really care. “Fine, whatever. Besides the camera guy, don’t you want to talk to her about other stuff? Like, you know, you and McKayla? What’s going on there ?”

  My eyes dip down to my boots, and I really wish TJ would just get to the part where he says he wants me to get one of the jobs done tonight while I’m watching the salon. “Earl says I need to take her to dinner. But I’m not exactly the guy who picks a girl up with flowers to go to some fancy restaurant in a four-door sedan .”

  TJ grins wolfishly, laughing softly. “Well damn, you don’t say? I’d have never known that, asshole. Bet she doesn’t either. She probably thinks you’re some sweetheart who’s gonna wine and dine her, romance her like a chick flick. That’s totally the vibe you give off. You’re all The Notebook , you know .”

  I grin in slightly shocked surprise—TJ getting one over on me is rare—and laugh at the image of me in some twisted rom-com movie as the anti-hero type, and give him a push on the shoulder. “Fuck you, man .”

  We end up wrestling back and forth like when we were boys, goofing and pushing and laughing. I finally wrap his head with my arm in a loose chokehold, rubbing my knuckles through his hair. After it’s standing up with static, I release him, our laughing breaths echoing loudly in the garage .

  He smooths his hair back and hops up on a big drum of solvent that we use for cleaning tools. “Man, you may not be some wine and dine type, but everybody eats. Get your scaredy-cat ass over there and invite the woman to dinner. I don’t care if it’s a fucking pizza. Take her on a date. Hell, you can double with me and Alice if you want—wait, on second thought, scratch that. You’d probably scare the shit out of her. Maybe I can introduce you to her in stages. One minute here, ten minutes there . . . it’ll probably take a few months to build up to an entire dinner with your grumpy ass .”

  I laugh out loud, and I see TJ’s moment of hesitation as he wonders if he took it too far before he relaxes and laughs fully along with me. It hurts when I realize I did that to him. He has to think about every word he says to me and is always waiting for the other shoe to drop at the most unexpected time. McKayla was right. I gotta fix that. That’s not the guy I want to be .


  TJ’s been the one hanging with me through some dark days and even darker nights, and he deserves to have a brother who’s there for him too. Hell, just two minutes ago, I was ready to get defensive and accuse him of being an asshole. Instead, maybe I need to open up to him too .

  “Hey . . .” TJ looks up at me, a question in his eyes, and I don’t even know what I was gonna say, so I don’t think about it. I just grab him in a hug, patting harshly on his back a few times .

  “Thanks, Bro .”

  He squeezes me back, and when he answers, his voice is a little raspy. “Hey, Bro, it’s good. You okay ?”

  I step back, nodding. “Guess I need to go see a girl about dinner. Wish me luck, because I damn sure fucking need it .”

  He nods as I turn, wishing me good luck behind my back as I start heading for the street. My eyes are laser focused on the salon door, but I swear I see a reflection in my periphery of TJ wiping a single stray tear from his eye .

  Chapter 23

  McKayla

  M y heart goes into thundering pitty-pats when I look up from my tea to see Evan coming across the street, his eyes on fire. He’s walking with a purpose and I can’t decide if it’s a good one or not .

  Maybe he’s coming over to tell me to leave him alone, that I’m too much trouble. He did ghost me the other day, after all. I agreed to go grab some breakfast with him down at the diner, and when I saw Brad, I went over to talk to him for a second. I turn around, and Evan had pulled a ninja act worthy of a Batman movie. And he’s been totally radio-silent for days now .

  Hell, I never know with him, so maybe he’s coming over to ask me on another ride. I certainly could go for one. Today’s dragged on like nobody’s business .

  I smooth the nonexistent wrinkles in my jeans and press my lips together to make sure my lipstick is perfect as Evan mounts the curb and strides across the parking lot, trying to calm the tremble in my fingers. I can’t help it, even if he does piss me off. There’s something about Evan that’s just . . . I need him .