Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  I said, "Yeah."

  The foreman said, "You ever do construction?"

  "No. This is my first job."

  The foreman laughed. Then he pointed at a slab of concrete. "You see that concrete?"

  I said, "Yeah."

  Then he pointed at a flatbed truck with large bricks stacked on it. "You see those cinder blocks?"

  "Yeah."

  "Stack those puppies on the center of the concrete. There's a water cooler on that truck over there, drink lots of water, and there's a porta john. I hope you brought lunch."

  "I brought lunch. What do I do when I'm done moving the cinder blocks?"

  The foreman laughed. Then he smiled. "When you're done moving them, you can take a break for the rest of the day."

  So I started hauling them. At first, they weren't that heavy. After each set I carried, they seemed to weigh more. When I stopped for lunch, my hands wouldn't stop shaking. In the afternoon, the sun seemed to wear on my very soul. When I set the last of the blocks on the concrete, I collapsed on the ground.

  Every muscle in my body except my penis burned with an unholy fire. Somebody said, "Are you alright, kid?"

  I said, "Yeah."

  "Usually if somebody is on the ground like you are, they need a doctor."

  I like it on the ground, peaceful. I tried to laugh, but nothing happened. "I don't think a doctor could help me right now."

  "You know we budget ten man hours to unload one of those trucks, and that's if we got a regular doing it. Two days if it's a temp. And I know you're new. What's your name?"

  "Sidney."

  "Go on home, Sidney. I'll mark your timesheet for five o'clock. Come back tomorrow."

  I said, "Thank you, sir."

  "Don't call me sir! My name is Bill."

  I looked up at him for the first time. "Thanks."

  "Come back tomorrow!"

  "I will."

  A few times, I thought my body was going into spasms on the drive home. I collapsed on the couch and waited for dinner. My mom made chicken and dumplings. Neither of my parents asked how the job went. Slowly, but surely, I learned construction. By the end of that first summer, I wore a tool belt, a hard hat, and steel toed boots. I carried a hammer, a tape measure, a razor knife, and a pencil. I never saw my Uncle Jim on the job site.

  The sirens brought me back to the present as three patrol cars screeched to a halt in front of my house. The ambulance was right behind them. The three cops walked right past me into the house. I followed them in. One said, "What a shame. What a pretty girl."

  Another one turned to me and said, "You're the boyfriend?"

  I said, "I'm the husband."

  One of the cops pulled out a digital camera and took a few pictures of Emily. Then the paramedics came in and put her in a body bag. They put the body bag on a gurney and hauled her off.

  The third cop pulled out a notebook and asked, "Victim's full name?"

  I said, "Emily Cheryl Daniels."

  "What's your address here?"

  I told him the address.

  One of the cops said, "Was she dead when you got here?"

  "No."

  "Did she give you a description of the vampire?"

  "No."

  One of the cops said, "You didn't ask?"

  I closed my eyes in a feeble attempt to control my rage.

  "We have everything we need," a cop said. "The sooner you clean up the blood, the easier it'll be. We'll notify her next of kin. Call a church and arrange for a funeral."

  "You're not going to collect evidence?" I asked. "Fingerprints?"

  A cop shrugged and put away his notepad. "We know it was one of the vampires. We'll get them all: it's just a matter of time."

  The only thing that kept me from killing all three of the cops was that I knew in my heart Emily wouldn't want to see me locked up. I exhaled. "Get out."

  The cops kind of smiled and showed themselves out.

  Emily wouldn't want a mess on the floor, so I went and got a bucket and a sponge.

  Once the floor was clean, I started making calls. First my parents. Then Emily's parents. Then my Uncle Jim. Then Emily's sister. I don't remember any of the calls. I could barely keep my eyes focused.

  I took a lot of Lithium that night. Frankly I don't remember how much. I'm usually very religious about my dosing, but that night I kept telling myself, I forgot to take my Lithium, so I went and took more. I woke up hours late for work to the phone ringing. I needed to pee terribly, though, so I hit the bathroom while the answering machine picked up the call. It was work wanting to know if I was coming in.

  I called my boss and told him the news. He told me to take some time off that the work wasn't going anywhere.

  I stood in the shower until the water ran cold.

  I already missed Emily. I couldn't get her out of my mind. I kept looking around for her only to remember that she was at the morgue. The phone rang again, and I answered it, "Hello."

  "Hello, Sidney. This is Father Paul. I read in the news today that they found Emily's body. Such a shame. How are you doing?"

  I almost said, "How the fuck do you think I'm doing?" then I thought better of it and said, "I don't know, Father."

  "Come to the church today, my son. We need to discuss putting Emily to rest."

  "Can it wait?"

  "Come to the church today," Paul said. "We can pray together."

  "I don't feel much like praying."

  "It'll ease your soul."

  I said, "Today?"

  "Please. I don't have any plans today. I set everything aside to see you."

  "I'll be there in a half hour."

  "Very good. Come to the rectory."

  I put on a nice pair of slacks and a white shirt and drove my truck to the church. I parked in back by the rectory and rang the buzzer. Father Paul greeted me a moment later. He ushered me into a small chamber with fluffy chairs and made me say the Lord's Prayer with him. It did seem to help a little.

  The good father started simply, "Do you know what Emily's wishes were? Some prefer cremation over burial. Burial can be a financial burden as well. Perhaps a mausoleum?"

  Emily was always fond of the outdoors and the trees and flowers. I said, "I'd like to bury her."

  "Fine. We have a small cemetery on the grounds. Shall we take a walk and look at a few perspective spaces?"

  I nodded. He led the way, walking ever so slowly. The cemetery was nice with a lot of old growth trees, and many of the graves had fresh flowers on them. We found a nice open spot by a small fountain, and I almost broke down in tears. There was room enough for two, and I said, "I want both these spots, one for me, one for her."

  "What if you remarry?" He asked. "You're still very young."

  "I'm not going to remarry."

  "You don't want to be a widower all your life."

  "I want both plots."

  "As you wish, my son."

  The priest led the way back to the rectory, walking ever so slowly. Under the shade of a great oak tree, he turned to me. "I know what you're thinking, and you must not even dream of it."

  I had the kind of mind that even the doctors didn't know what I was thinking, but he did pique my curiosity. I said, "I don't know what you mean."

  He looked me in the eyes. "You can't go after the vampires."

  It hit me like a hammer. A warm glow of mania overtook me, and I started to breathe in the air with a passion and a fire I'd never felt before.

  "It's akin to suicide," Father Paul said. "And that'll damn you to hell."

  I spoke ever so quietly, "How do you kill them?"

  "What?"

  I said it louder, "How do you kill them?"

  "You'll die, and in God's eyes, it will be a suicide. You'll be damned forever."

  "Will I be damned forever if I kill a priest?"

  Father Paul looked at me with wide eyes.

  "How do you kill a vampire?" I asked. "Sunlight? Crucifixes? Holy water?"

  Father Paul let o
ut a low but audible sigh and took a few steps away from me. "Sunlight hurts them, depending on their breed. Crucifixes and holy water are useless. They're strong, vicious, and fast. They'll kill you. Only the slayers can hunt them and survive."

  "What do you mean by depending on the breed?"

  "Some breeds of vampires are more resilient to the sun than others. Some can survive it with sunscreen on. Some have to coat their skin with a thick layer of jelly or other thick oily substance. I'm no expert."

  "Who is an expert?" I asked.

  Father Paul paused. "There are slayers trained by the church. They're experts."

  "I want to know everything. When they sleep. How they breed. Where they live. How they die. Everything."

  "You're surely no slayer. We train them for years. We start them out at a very young age. You're too old."

  "Answer my questions or your next of kin will be looking for a gravesite for you, old man."

  Father Paul looked me in the eye. "'Tis the modern era, whelp. Seek out vampire sites on the Internet."

  I nodded.

  "We'll bury Emily in three days," Paul said. "And we'll bury you next to her shortly after that. If we find enough of a body to bury."

  "So be it."

  Chapter 2

  I typed, 'vampire,' into the search engine. The first site at the top was the Vatican's website. I clicked the link. It opened into a plethora of pages detailing everything about the church, and their fight against the infection. Each page had the same advertisement at the top.

  "Are you 10-12 years old and want to become a slayer? Talk to your parents. Then go to a Catholic church and talk to a priest. We'll test you. Then we'll train you. You can make a difference and fight the good fight."

  I thought to myself, they are recruiting them young. I found the section titled self-defense from vampires. Killing them seemed easy enough: destroy the brain or stop the heart. You could strangle one to death, but you had to be really strong. Apparently, they were quite allergic to sunlight although the site had no details.

  They made nests in houses just like people, but they liked the cool air and darkness of basements. Some had evolved toxin glands, and if they bit you and you lived, you'd become one of them.

  Some were closer to animal than human. Some you could tell by looking at their face if they were a vampire or not. Some could pass for human. Some were highly resistant to sunlight and only required a light layer of sunscreen to walk in daylight. The site advised looking at their teeth to see if they had inch long fangs or not.

  I smiled, for apparently guns worked just fine on them.

  I called my dad. Don't know why. I guess I wanted his permission. He answered the phone, "Hi, Sidney. How are you hanging in there?"

  I said, "I'm going to kill them."

  "Do you want my help?"

  "No, dad. I just wanted to tell you."

  "We could convert my AR-15 to full auto. I've got the kit to do it. I've been saving it. We could make a sawed-off shotgun. I've got that old 12-gauge double-barrel."

  "The Vatican website said if it's a young infestation there won't be more than five or ten of them," I said. "I can take them with my Colt."

  "Come over for dinner tonight. Your mother will be upset with me if we don't try and talk you out of it."

  "I'm not going to be talked out of it."

  "Come over for dinner anyhow. I'll pick up steaks."

  I said, "Thanks, dad. I'll see you tonight."

  On reaching my parent's house, my mom met me at the door and hugged me. She said, "Don't do this."

  "I don't feel like I have a choice."

  "You do have a choice. You won't be happy even if you kill every last one of them."

  "No, I won't be happy. But I can't let this go. I can't just move on."

  "Have it your way. Father Paul told us you got two plots side by side. Hopefully, we find a body to bury."

  I sighed.

  "I'm going out with some friends for dinner," she said. "You and your father have things to talk about. Goodbye, Sidney."

  I hugged her and tried to give her a goodbye kiss, but she wouldn't have it. I said, "Bye."

  I walked into the kitchen. My dad was putting pepper on our steaks. I said, "Hi."

  "Your mother expects me to talk you out of this stupid plan of yours."

  "Yeah."

  "I say, you're a grown man you can throw your life away if it's really what you want."

  I paused. I thought he was supposed to be talking me out of it.

  "You really should consider more firepower," he said. "You don't know what you'll be up against. I did some research on my own. They might have guns you know. And there might be a lot more than ten of them."

  "I've got three spare magazines, and that gives me 28 rounds. If I score headshots, that'll be plenty."

  My dad hissed and slammed down the pepper shaker. "Don't aim for the head. Aim for the center of the chest. Put a bullet through their heart. If you're off center shoot them a second time."

  "I will, dad. I'll aim for the chest."

  "You're an idiot. And you don't read the paper enough. The vampires are spreading all the time. You're getting yourself into a war… I don't know what I'd do if I lost your mother…"

  "You'd kill them."

  He nodded.

  He picked up the steaks and went outside to grill them. I knew our conversation was over. I finished eating and looked at my dad. He looked on the verge of tears. I said, "Wish me luck."

  "No, you stupid fuck."

  I left.

  I started thinking about my plan. The city was small, and I figured the nest was likely close to my house. The website didn't say much about the nests, but if vampires were so allergic to sunlight, the windows would be covered almost completely if not painted black. So I drove down every street slowly and looked at every house.

  I made a list of potentials. Six houses looked like they could be nests. One had overgrown grass, and I had a hunch that was the place. I watched it from down the street all day. No activity at all during the day, nothing. At night, faint lights etched through the windows. A man stepped out of the front door and started walking towards me.

  I climbed out of my truck and held my Colt behind my back. As the man approached me, I looked him in the eye. He smiled at me. I shouted, "Show me your teeth!"

  He cocked his head to the side. "What?"

  "Your fucking teeth! I want to see your teeth!"

  He grinned. Then he showed his inch long fangs and rushed me with his hands outstretched. I raised the Colt and squeezed one off into his chest. He fell to the ground and writhed about.

  Once he stopped moving, I approached the house he'd come from. A guy came out of the house and ran at me again. I plugged him too. I could see his teeth as he grimaced in pain, for sure he had fangs.

  I stepped into the house, and all the lights shut off at once. A shape in the darkness came at me, and I aimed low and squeezed the trigger. The shape fell to the ground. I stumbled around in the dark looking for the breaker box and threw the main. The vampire whimpered in pain on the ground clutching his stomach. I kicked him in the head. "Hey!"

  He said, "Fuck you!"

  "I was expecting more vampires. Where are your friends?"

  "Piss off!"

  "I guess I could torture you. Wouldn't you rather talk?"

  "Maliki is going to rip your fucking heart out!"

  "Who is Maliki?" I asked.

  "My master! He's going to hunt you down and kill you."

  "He doesn't know me. How will he do that?"

  "Fuck you!" The bleeding monster said.

  "Where is Maliki?" I needed to know in the worst way.

  "You really want to meet him? You think you can take a master? 1413 Willow. He's going to roast you over a fire!"

  That address was on my list. I smiled. "Where would you like the next bullet? The groin? Maybe a knee?"

  He squirmed on the ground still trying to hold his intestines in.


  I pointed the gun at his forehead and squeezed the trigger.

  I walked out of the house and back to my truck. A few people looked out their windows at me, but nobody tried to stop me. I looked down at myself. I hadn't even gotten a drop of blood on my clothes. I smiled.

  I drove fast to Willow Street. I parked a solid block away from 1413 and waited. The street was quiet. My mind started to drift, and I saw the holiest of visions of my dearest Emily smiling at me through a haze of white clouds. I shook my head and asked myself, when did I take Lithium last? I realized I hadn't been taking it since the night of Emily's death. Five days ago. I wanted to be clear headed, so I drove home and took my daily dosage. I filled my magazine back up with bullets and went out to my truck.

  When I reached 1413 Willow, the lights were on in the house, but the window coverings blocked in most of the light. I kicked in the door. Three of the bastards hissed between vicious fangs and rushed me. I shot the closest one first, then the next closest, and finally the last one. All three went down with single shots to the center of their chest. I didn't miss the heart.

  A howl snarled through the night air, and a muzzle flashed. I dropped to the ground and took aim at the vampire's knee as shots went over my head. I squeezed the trigger, and the vampire went down. I got off the floor and walked over to him. I kicked the gun away from his hand. I said, "Where's Maliki?"

  The vampire grinned. "I'm Maliki!"

  I wasn't sure if I wanted to believe him. Just then the thunder of footsteps raced down the stairs. I leveled my gun at the stairs and cut two of them down when they reached the landing. I slammed a fresh magazine home. I kicked the vampire on the floor in the head.

  I checked the first floor of the house, and it was empty. The upstairs was empty.

  I approached the stairs to the basement. It was completely dark down there. I flipped a light switch, and a dim bulb lit at the bottom of the stairs. The vampire that I had shot in the leg shouted, "Maliki, he's coming for you!"

  I put a bullet in his brain.

  I stepped ever so slowly down the stairs. I reached the bottom, and the dimly lit room surrounded me. I was basked in light, but I could barely see. I turned to the left and took a step. A figure moved in the darkness, but he was too quick. A hand reached out and snaked the Colt out of my hands. Maliki's face was all hard, straight lines, and I knew I faced my true nemesis. I clenched my fists and aimed my right paw square at his nose.