Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  Chapter 23

  I woke up to another splitting headache. I took care of my morning business and found myself in the kitchen wanting food. We had dry cereal, but no milk. So I poured myself a bowl of Cheerios and ate them with my fingers. I poured myself a glass of orange juice and found some granola bars. The land line rang. The caller ID said, "Blocked."

  I almost didn't answer it thinking it might be the vampires. I ran upstairs to Manuel's room and waited for the machine to answer it. The voice said, "Hi Sidney, it's Dawn, I need a blood sample, call me back, 555-1212."

  I growled. How did Dawn know I survived? Father Titus shouldn't have told anyone, not even Dawn. Still, I liked Dawn. I called her back.

  "Hi, Sidney."

  "Hi, Dawn."

  "I need a blood sample," she said.

  "I can't leave the warehouse."

  "Why not?"

  "I am alone."

  "What happened to your team?" She asked.

  "Lambert ratted us out to the vampires. Everybody's dead."

  She gasped. "Dear Lord, I'm so sorry."

  I didn't say anything.

  "Well, I'll come by and pick up the sample," she said. "I'll be there around noon."

  The phone clicked off, and I ached all over. I decided a slight workout might help, so I hit the weight room in the basement. The exercise got my blood flowing, and I felt a little better. The perimeter alarm sounded. I went to the control panel and checked the monitors. Dawn sat in her car at the gate and waited. I keyed the gate control, and she drove in. I opened one of the garage doors, and she pulled into the warehouse and stepped out of her car.

  She was dressed in jeans and a white button-up shirt. She looked as lovely as last time I saw her, and inadvertently I stared. She said, "You've seen me before."

  "Yes. You're prettier than last time."

  She smiled. She pulled a bag and a cooler out of her car. "It's easier to take the sample of you sit."

  I sat in the chair by the control panel.

  She looked at me. "How did you survive?"

  "I was bitten three times by vampires, but Manuel had an anti-venom, and I took it."

  "You were what?"

  "Bitten by three vampires."

  She started backing away.

  I said, "I'm ok."

  She kept backing away. "There's no anti-venom."

  "Manuel had some anti-venom. I don't know where he got it from. It was marked experimental."

  She paused. "Do you still have the bottle? I want it."

  "I'll be right back."

  I went upstairs to Manuel's room and found the bottle of anti-venom. I took it downstairs and held it out to Dawn. She said, "I want you to test your blood sugar in front of me."

  I sighed. I went to the meter and tested it. 72. I showed it to Dawn.

  She nodded and took the bottle of anti-venom from me. She looked the bottle over. "This expired years ago."

  "It worked."

  "It's never even been tested on humans."

  I shrugged.

  "Well sit down," Dawn said with a wide, thin smile. "I'll order a whole battery of tests on you."

  She took five vials of blood from me and taped a band-aid on my arm.

  She looked me in the eyes. "Do you have anything to eat?"

  "Not really. I have a few things on order. I could grill bratwurst, but I don't have buns. There's chicken breast in the freezer, too."

  "Do you want pizza?"

  "We can't get delivery here at the warehouse."

  "Do you want pizza?" She asked with this slick little grin.

  "I would kill for a pizza."

  She withdrew a cell phone and hit a speed dial. "Murphy!" She paused. "Make me a large pizza."

  Another pause.

  "I don't care what kind, surprise us," she said.

  I started to do this little one-two tap dance.

  "You know the slayer headquarters on Third Street?" She asked. "Bring it down here.

  "I don't care if it's against the rules."

  Dawn paused again.

  She nodded over and over again. "Fine, four Valiums. But I'm only giving you the five-milligram ones."

  I shook my head in disapproval.

  She said, "See you soon."

  She turned the phone off and smiled at me.

  "Is that legal?" I asked. "Paying for pizza with valium."

  "You want pizza, right? Who cares how I pay for it. Do you have anything to drink?"

  "There's some soda in the fridge. Orange juice. Water."

  "Ice cold beer?"

  I shook my head. "I was the only one on the team old enough to drink, and I don't drink."

  She growled at me quite viciously, in fact, barring her teeth and everything.

  A little light clicked in my mind. "I have moonshine."

  Dawn's eyes went wide, and she smiled. "Really?"

  "I kid you not. Unless the vampires stole all of it."

  "Go get it."

  I went downstairs to our stockroom and grabbed a mason jar of the latest batch. I went upstairs and held the jar up for Dawn's inspection. I said, "Do you want a glass?"

  "Give me the jar."

  I handed it over, and she twisted the lid off. She smelled it and smiled. She took a sip. She smiled even wider. She took a healthy drink. She blinked her eyes a few times. "Wow. That's as good as I used to get as a kid in Kentucky. It brings back some wonderful memories. Where did you get moonshine?"

  "We have an outpost in the Rockies. We have a distillery. There are stacks and stacks of the stuff in the basement."

  "Can I have some to take with me?"

  "Sure. How much do you want?"

  "I don't know, however, much you can spare, three or four jars would be enough."

  "You can have a whole case if you want."

  "No. I don't want that much. I'd be stone drunk for days."

  I went downstairs and grabbed three mason jars. Dawn stashed them in the cooler with the blood samples and put the cooler in her car.

  She sipped at the mason jar, and I couldn't think of anything to talk about.

  "Has this made you think of retirement?" She asked. "The vampires think you're dead right? You could quit, settle down."

  "I'm still mulling my options. There's really no safe place for me. At least as long as I stay in the warehouse, I've got a solid perimeter including claymores. And I've got the machine gun nests on the roof. If they come for me here, I could take a lot of them with me."

  "You could have plastic surgery. Return to a normal existence."

  "I don't think a woman would understand…"

  She slammed her jar of moonshine down the control panel desk. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

  "They killed my lover."

  "You think a woman doesn't feel the need for revenge? The fucking bastards have killed three of my lovers. You don't see me throwing my life away waging a war I'll never win."

  "It's a war somebody has to fight," I said. "It might as well be me."

  "You're going to hit nests alone?"

  "Well, no…"

  She picked her drink back up and took a long drought. "Do you really think the Catholics are going to reinforce you?"

  "I don't know."

  "You're just going to wait and hide. Alone?"

  "What should I do?" I asked.

  "You're beaten. Throw in the towel. Get out."

  Just as I was trying to think of a response to that the perimeter alarm sounded. Dawn said, "What the hell is that siren for?"

  "Pizza is here."

  I leaned over the control panel and activated the gate. I donned my ski mask. The pizza guy came up to the door and handed me a pizza. I handed him a twenty, and he smiled. I said, "Come back tomorrow."

  He said, "Fuck you. Twenty bucks isn't worth it."

  I said, "I'll make it a hundred."

  He shook his head. "You could make it a thousand, and I wouldn't come back. I'm just doing this as a favor to my sister." />
  I thought about drawing my Colt and plugging him once, but instead, I said, "Thanks."

  The pizza guy left.

  I looked at Dawn. "That's your brother?"

  She shrugged. "I kind of adopted him after his family was killed."

  I carried the pizza into the kitchen, and Dawn followed with her mason jar of moonshine. I set the box on the counter and opened it. I'd never seen a pizza like it before. It had a cardboard cross section that divided the pizza up into four sections. Dawn said, "Sweet!"

  I said, "What is it?"

  "One part gyros pizza, one part pepperoni and sausage, one part vegetables, and one part with Alfredo sauce and four kinds of cheese. It's not on the menu. You have to know an employee for them to make it for you."

  "Gyros pizza?" I asked.

  "It's delicious. Try it."

  I grabbed a slice of the gyro pizza and took a bite. It tasted just like a gyro sandwich from a good Greek restaurant. I started eating greedily. Dawn took her time starting with a slice of the cheese quarter. Then she took one of the veggie slices. I went after the pepperoni and sausage. Dawn finished her moonshine, and we ate almost the entire pizza. I felt like a bloated whale, but it was so good.

  I looked at Dawn. I smiled my best friendly smile. "You've got to get your brother to deliver here again."

  "No."

  "Why not?"

  She picked up a mushroom off the veggie pizza, examined it, and then put it back. "What if the vampires start watching the warehouse again? I shouldn't even have come here. You don't want to be associated with slayers. That'll get you killed with a quickness."

  I grabbed the mushroom that wasn't good enough for her and ate it.

  "Well, I need to get those samples to the lab," she said. "I hope I'm not too drunk to be driving; that moonshine is strong stuff."

  "Just drive slow."

  "Have you ever been drunk in your life?"

  "Well, no."

  She nodded and headed towards her car. I walked with her. When she got to the car, she turned and faced me. I stopped. She snickered a bit. "Come'mere."

  I paused.

  She said, "Come'on."

  I stepped in close to her, and she put her hands on my cheeks and then kissed me on the lips. Out of reflex, I kissed her back, and I felt my insides warm up like I'd been the one drinking the moonshine. She broke it off. "See ya."

  Chapter 24

  The next morning I didn't wake to any pain which was a nice change. I did some morning stretches anyhow, and I munched on a bowl of dry cereal. The perimeter alarm sounded, and I went and opened the gate for Father Titus. He stepped out of the car and smiled at me.

  "I should wait at least ten or fifteen minutes," he said. "It usually takes that long to drop off a slayer."

  "Certainly, Father. Would you like some water or something? There are a few sodas left."

  "I'm fine."

  I paused. Then it dawned on me: Father Titus was in the know of a lot of things. I asked, "What are the odds I'll be reinforced?"

  "It's being debated."

  "Debated? By whom?" I asked.

  "The church leaders, my son."

  "Don't give me that crap. I want answers."

  He made the sign of the cross and turned his back on me. "They're debating whether a slayer team can make a difference in Dayton. They aren't sure if it is worth saving. The military won't commit. You'll have to wait."

  I sighed.

  "To my knowledge," he said. "There aren't even any slayers close to the right age. We'd have to transfer people to you from other teams. Teams that don't want to be split up."

  I looked him in the eye. He didn't seem to be lying, but you never can tell with a priest. I said, "Any news on Lambert?"

  "Have you gone through his things? He might have left a picture of himself. It's doubtful, but you could check."

  "That's not a bad idea."

  I heard it. A thundering coming from above. The helicopter. I hit the garage door on the loading dock and watched as it landed. I quickly donned my ski mask and smiled. This would be my steak I thought to myself. Soldiers piled out of the helicopter and started unloading boxes into the warehouse.

  The first box was my new bread machine. The second and third boxes were from the same place as the bread machine. Next came a box marked from the candy company. Next was the citrus fruit. I smiled. I watched as three soldiers carrying the last boxes stepped into the warehouse.

  The boxes were marked, MRE, on the outside.

  I grabbed one of the soldiers. "What's going on here?"

  "Oh. Well. The package you ordered caused the dogs to flip out. The duty officer confiscated your shipment. He ordered us to provide you with these Deluxe MRE with heater ration packs, so you don't starve."

  I said, "Ration packs?"

  "Deluxe Meal-Ready-to-Eat with heaters. You can't go wrong with those."

  I fingered the smooth handle of my Colt.

  The soldier started backing away. "It wasn't my fault. It was the officer on duty… Although, I must admit that was some of the best steak I've had in my life. So tender and juicy. You should order more."

  My hand twitched closer and closer to my Colt, and I snapped, "Get out!"

  The soldier ran back to the helicopter, and the air bird departed.

  Father Titus interrupted the silence after the helicopter drifted into the distance, "Will you survive?"

  I looked at him. "I ordered steak. Prime beef. They bring me MREs."

  "Quite a bit of nutrition in an MRE."

  "Yes, Father. Will you bring the car back again tomorrow?"

  He waved at me and climbed back in his car. He backed out of the warehouse, and I secured the gate after him.

  I went upstairs to Lambert's room. I paused wondering what oddities might lay before me. I started with his dresser. He had some loose change on it and three wrinkled old baseball cards. I went through each drawer of the dresser finding nothing but clothes. I went to the computer. It was protected by a password prompt. I felt like smashing it.

  I typed God, into the password prompt. Windows opened right up in a flash. I started looking for picture files. Nothing. Not even any porn. The drive had been wiped clean. I kicked the box.

  I paused looking over the room again. It was empty. Lambert left nothing. I thought again about the idea of surviving off a diet of MREs.

  I went to my room and grabbed my satellite phone. I speed dialed #1 and asked for agent nine.

  "Hello, Sidney."

  "They stole my steak," I howled.

  The voice on the other end of the phone laughed.

  I let out my best audible whimper. "This isn't funny. I'm hungry."

  "Order twice as much next time."

  "I spent five hundred dollars last time."

  "So you'll spend a grand next time. You've got money."

  I hissed. "That's no excuse to steal a man's steak."

  "Did you have something important to talk about, or were you just lonely?"

  "Piss off. Tell them to give me my shipments."

  "I'll call them. Order more next time."

  I hung up the phone. I did as I was told and ordered a cow or two. Frankly, I'm not sure how many steaks you get from one cow, so I don't know if it was a whole cow or two.

  The idea that I was lonely clicked in my mind, and I thought of Dawn. She kissed me. And she was fairly good at it. I dialed her number.

  She said, "Hello."

  I said, "Hi."

  "Who is this?"

  "It's me, Sidney."

  "Oh," she said with a kind of disappointed sigh.

  There was a bit of a pause.

  "Your lab work's a little strange," she said. "Nothing too alarming. You're human."

  "Are you sure you've done a thorough enough examination to determine that? We haven't even had dinner."

  "We're not going to have dinner."

  I paused and began to think. "I kind of thought after the way you kissed me that maybe we
could go out, or at least kiss more often."

  "I shouldn't have kissed you. It was a mistake. I blame the moonshine."

  "I've got more of the moonshine," I said.

  "It's not going to work between us. You're cute sure, but I can't get involved with a slayer."

  "I understand. Bye."

  I hung up the phone.

  I went downstairs and unpacked my new bread machine. I mixed up a batch of rye bread and turned the machine on. I went to the deep freeze and counted my supplies: three packages of bratwurst, one more of Manuel's steaks, and one package of chicken breast. I decided on bratwurst since I had the most of that.

  I took a nap in the afternoon. I grilled bratwurst again for dinner. The rye bread turned out pretty good, and I had over a pound of butter.

  The next morning Father Titus arrived bright and early with an empty car. He wasn't very chatty, and I didn't have much to say either, so after he waited for a few minutes he drove away. I ate the chicken breast and more of the rye bread. Another day passed and another day.

  I couldn't stand being alone for such a long period of time. I found myself pacing the hallway just to pass the time. The phone rang, and I ran to answer it hopeful that it would be somebody to talk to. I answered, "Hello?"

  "Sidney?"

  I knew it was Dawn. "Hi, baby."

  I heard her hiss.

  I said, "Sorry."

  "My brother wants to know what a pizza is worth to you? He needs cash for something, and it's something I don't approve of."

  I smiled. "Let me go see how much cash I have."

  I set the phone down and ran into Manuel's room. He had a cash box on his desk, and I opened it and started counting. I ran back to the phone and said, "I have 198 dollars."

  Dawn shouted, "He's only got 198 bucks."

  She said, "That's not enough."

  I said, "Arrgghh."

  Dawn said, "That's all I called for. See ya."

  The phone clicked off.

  I ran to my satellite phone and dialed speed dial #1. I asked for agent nine and waited.

  "Hi, Sidney. What is it now? Stray dog barking keeping you up at night?"

  "I need cash."

  "For what?"

  "Pizza."

  "You can't get pizza delivered to a slayer headquarters."

  I laughed like a child with a bright red wagon loaded with water balloons. "I can get pizza. But I need cash."