Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  I happened to be carrying my satellite phone, and it rang as we were leaving the pizza place. I answered. Agent nine said, "Sidney?"

  I said, "Yeah."

  "We were hacked."

  "No shit?"

  "It's not my fault. Look. You guys need to keep downloading images, and ordering aerial flybys. You need to scout nests. Don't hit any, though. Until further notice."

  "Didn't you secure the network?"

  "We're trying to track them down. We want them infiltrating it right now. We're going to catch the bastards and take them out."

  I said, "Ok."

  The phone clicked off. Once we made it back to the warehouse, I said, "We are offline for a while."

  "Can we go to the pet store?" Erin said. "I want toys and catnip for Fred. And we still need kitty litter and real cat food; plus a litter box and one of those scooper things."

  "Arrrggg!"

  "It won't kill you."

  I swear Erin looked for the most expensive of everything and put it in the cart in the pet store. She bought three kinds of catnip and a wide assortment of toys. She started looking at transport cages, and I said, "We don't need a cage for him."

  "We have to take him to the vet!"

  "Dear lord, it's a cat."

  "You still take them to vets."

  I sighed.

  Erin picked a simple cage for the cat and put it in the cart with everything else.

  "They have puppies here!" Nathan said with wide, bright eyes. "I'm going to go see if they have any Huskies."

  I said, "No!"

  "I'm just going to look."

  "No. Erin, you have everything; right?"

  Erin looked her overflowing cart over. "No. I want to look around some more. I saw some water dishes with fountains, and he might like that."

  Nathan said, "I'll be back," and darted off.

  "I'm going to wait outside," I said.

  Erin said, "That's fine."

  I waited and waited. Erin finally joined me with a cart full of silly cat things. I thought: where was Nathan? I went back inside to the puppy section. He was in a little box with a happy and healthy looking Siberian Husky puppy, and he had a wad of cash in his hand. The puppy sat loyally at his side with its chest all puffed out. The employee was just shaking his head no. I walked up to them.

  "They won't give him to me cause I don't have ID," Nathan said. "Please, bossman."

  I let out this little grumble. "No. I told you no already."

  Nathan sighed. He put the cash away. He knelt down to the puppy and petted it. He hugged it close. "Sorry, boy."

  "Let's go."

  He looked at me with an edge of hate in his eyes, but he moved to leave.

  As we were walking towards the trucks, Nathan said, "I don't see why she gets a cat, and I can't have a dog."

  I said, "I'd rather we got rid of the cat."

  "Fuck you," Erin said. "We're not getting rid of Fred. He's officially part of the family now."

  Nathan said, "Why not, Sidney?"

  "Puppies are a lot of responsibility. You'll be going in and out of the warehouse three or four times a day at least to take him outside to potty which means full gear three or four times a day. He'll want to go out at night too. I don't know if you've noticed this, but during the day a vampire can't hit the broadside of a barn with a rifle because of their affliction to sunlight. At night, you'd get shot in the head from a rooftop six blocks away."

  "Oh."

  Erin nodded.

  Nathan said, "I guess I wasn't thinking, boss."

  "When you retire you can get a dog," I said.

  For a week, we went about our business as if nothing were wrong. We watched nests with our military technology, and we scouted nests by day, but we didn't hit any nests at all. Finally, my satellite phone rang. I snatched it up. "Hello."

  "We got them, Sidney. It wasn't easy; we had fifteen technology guys working on it, but we traced them to a location in Vancouver. We sent in a few squads of Delta boys and took out their installation. We even captured two vampires and a dozen computers intact."

  "Why aren't there Delta boys helping in Dayton?" I asked.

  "That's a long story. The government isn't committed to a long-term military presence. We'll execute surgical strikes when necessary, but that's it."

  "We lose people in Dayton every day. So many the local paper doesn't even list obituaries anymore, or even comment on the disappearances or deaths."

  Agent nine sighed audibly. "It's happening all over the world. There's a rumor going around the vampires have found an herbal concoction that will protect them from the sun. There's a rumor that the vampires are infiltrating every level of government in every country on the globe. Some of the third world countries seem totally overrun. We're losing, Sidney."

  "We can start slaying again?" I asked.

  "Step up your efforts. Hit a nest every other day if you can."

  Chapter 37

  We had a number of nests scouted, but we scouted again. They looked good, so we picked one. I had the front door lined up in my crosshairs, and I squeezed the trigger on my grenade launcher. The door went boom, and Nathan and Erin took off in a flash into the house. Two shots rang out as I stepped onto the porch. As I walked in the front room, two more shots cracked.

  I moved through the house, and all was silent. There was a dead vampire in the kitchen with a bullet hole in his back and one in his head. I looked out in the backyard, and Nathan and Erin stood over the body of a second vampire. The upstairs was empty. A rope ladder dangled out one window to the ground.

  "They ran," Erin said. "They just ran away."

  Nathan said, "They know there are only three of us."

  "I guess so," I said.

  She sheathed her sword. "We need a fourth."

  "I'll call Father Titus."

  I went back to my truck and grabbed my cell phone. I hit the speed dial for Father Titus. He answered simply, "Hello."

  I said, "Hello, Father."

  "You're back in business; I hear."

  "Sort of. We need a fourth, Father, so that we can cover front and back of a house."

  "There aren't any close to the right age, Sidney."

  "How long of a wait?" I asked.

  Titus seemed to be punching away on a computer. "Assuming you were next in line for recruits, and that hasn't been determined yet: months. You'll have to make do."

  "Thank you, Father."

  I clicked the phone off and gave the bad news to Nathan and Erin.

  We scouted again the next day. The day after that, we hit another nest. This time Nathan bagged three. At least eight escaped.

  We were sitting down to dinner, and Erin said, "You know this is a waste of time? Killing two or three at once. They're turning more than that in a day."

  "What would you like me to do, Erin?" I asked.

  "It's getting cold," Nathan said. "Winter weather will be here in a few days, and vampires hate the cold. The killing will taper off some."

  "We could scout in the early mornings, pick a nest, and hit the nest all in one day."

  Erin said, "That's not bad… It'd help a little."

  Nathan said, "Hit a nest every day?"

  "Why not?" I asked.

  Erin took a bite of a tuna fish sandwich. "How many potential nests are in the queue?"

  "Hundreds. I haven't counted them."

  Nathan picked all the lettuce off his cheeseburger. "Hundreds?"

  Erin said, "We need help."

  I said, "What do you suggest, Erin?"

  Erin smiled at me. "I don't know, Sidney. I don't know."

  We started putting the dishes away. I turned on the dishwasher, and Nathan wiped down the counter. The perimeter alarm sounded, and all three of us scrambled heading upstairs to our rooms to get our armor on. I checked the security monitors from my computer once I was in full gear. A figure ran towards the warehouse. I thought to myself: another wild one.

  I made it to the roof, and Nathan
and Erin were already at one of the machine gun nests. I ran over to them and looked. The guy was almost to our electric fence. Nathan had him in the gun sights. Erin said, "Wait!"

  Nathan said, "What?"

  "He's running in a straight line. The wild ones don't run in straight lines. He's human."

  The guy ran right up to our gate and started hitting the button. I said, "Come on."

  The three of us went down to the control panel in the loading dock. I hit the talk button. "What?"

  "Let me in!" He had curly black hair that could use a trim and olive oil complexion. Short black stubble seemed almost artistically placed along his chin and cheeks.

  "No. Go away."

  "It's past dark. They're going to get me."

  Erin said, "He's human. Let him in."

  I pushed the talk button. "Find somewhere else to hide for the night. Go into the sewers or something."

  "The sewers aren't safe," he said. "You have to let me in."

  "What are you doing out at night in the first place?"

  "My parents kicked me out. I couldn't find any friends to take me in. Come'on."

  Erin said, "He's human!"

  "So was Lambert!" I shouted.

  Erin reached past me and hit the open gate button. The gate slid open, and the guy dodged inside.

  "We're not letting him in the building," I said. "I'm the only one with the door access codes, and I have all the remotes locked up. He can sleep outside tonight, but he's leaving in the morning."

  Erin shrugged.

  Nathan said, "It's going to be cold tonight."

  Banging on our door filled the dock with sound. I hit the talk button to broadcast outside. "You're not getting in the building. You can sleep outside and leave in the morning."

  The guy said, "Thank you."

  Erin went upstairs.

  Nathan went over to the door, slide open the eye slot, and shouted, "What's your name?"

  The guy shouted back, "I go by Pup."

  He had bloody better give us his real name. "Find out his real name."

  Nathan said, "Sure, what's your real name."

  The guy shouted back, "Like I said, I go by Pup."

  "He's not even wearing a jacket, boss. It might freeze tonight."

  I said, "Go and get him some blankets."

  Nathan raced off.

  Before Nathan was gone for even a split second, Nathan and Erin showed themselves, and Erin was carrying a stack of blankets and a pillow.

  I grabbed the pillow off the stack. "You can give him some blankets."

  I yelled through the slot in the door, "Step away from the door and face away."

  I covered my hand and typed in the door code. Erin set the blankets just outside the door, and I secured the door closed. "There's some blankets for you."

  Pup turned and grabbed them up. "Thank you."

  I closed the eye slot on the door.

  Erin and Nathan were both grinning.

  "He's not joining us," I said. "He's leaving in the morning. He's a fucking rat."

  "He's not joining us," Erin said.

  "He's leaving in the morning," Nathan said with a stupid, I’m-smarter-than-Sidney grin.

  They ran off. I sat at the control panel and watched Pup for a while. He was nestled in between some shrubberies and curled up in a ball with the blankets on him. I went upstairs and took a little extra lithium. I didn't sleep. Bright and early I was up making coffee. I poured myself a cup and went to the control panel. I hit the gate open button and walked to the door. I slid the eye slot open and shouted, "Pup! Wake up!"

  The nest of blankets stirred and Pup stood up rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. I said, "The gate is open. Get out!"

  Pup approached the door and looked at me. "I lied!"

  I paused.

  "My parents didn't kick me out," he said. "They were turned. I got home from school, and they tried to kill me."

  I said, "I don't bloody care."

  "I want to be a slayer!"

  "Go and find a Catholic priest. He can get you signed up."

  I slammed the eye slot closed.

  I went into the kitchen. Nathan and Erin were making breakfast, and enough breakfast for four, easily, if not more. I said, "We're not going to feed him."

  Erin said, "He's a human being!"

  "So was Lambert, and you saw what I did to him."

  We ate. Erin threw the leftover food in the trash.

  Nathan said, "Are we going to go slaying today?"

  "I didn't sleep last night; I'm not in the mood at all," I said.

  Erin said, "Fine by me."

  Three days passed, and I didn't sleep. When I did fall asleep, I had such terrible nightmares about Lambert that I immediately woke up in a cold sweat. Each day I went and talked to Pup in the morning. Each day I tried to convince him to leave. Each day he declined.

  I called Father Titus and started quite simply, "Father, you've got to help me. You've got to come down here and talk to some guy who's trying to join our little troop."

  "A resident of Dayton?"

  "Yes, I think so."

  There was a pause. Father Titus said, "What would you like me to do? Discourage him?"

  "Maybe I can have him arrested for trespassing…"

  "We must remember the teachings of the Lord, my son. In times of peril, the Lord provides."

  "You're not helping, Father."

  "Sometimes you must help yourself, my son."

  The phone clicked off.

  It was past dark, and we were having dinner. Erin and Nathan hadn't said a word to me other than yes or no for two days. Nathan said, "That cold front is moving in. Pup needs more blankets."

  "We should put a bullet in him and get it over with," I said.

  Erin said, "How can you say that?"

  "Easy."

  "I'm going to go get him some blankets and a pillow."

  "Fine."

  Erin met me at the exterior door arms laden. I grabbed the blanket off the top and unfolded it, finding two granola bars. I tossed the granola bars across the room and unfolded the other blankets. Once I was sure they were empty, I put them outside the door for Pup.

  Two more days passed with no sleep. I went and made my coffee as usual. I walked into the loading dock, and Nathan and Erin were waiting for me.

  Chapter 38

  "Big storm is hitting today, boss," Nathan said. "Five-six inches of snow with a sub-zero wind chill factor."

  I went to the door and woke Pup up. I shouted, "Big snowstorm is hitting today, Pup. You need to find someplace warm."

  Pup just stared at me.

  Erin said, "He could die."

  "He's not going to die; he's going to leave," I said.

  I shouted out the door, "How are you still alive, Pup? You should have died of thirst by now. Aren't you starving?"

  "There's a water spigot out here."

  "You should still be starving."

  Pup looked at his feet. "The other voices feed me."

  I slammed the eye slot closed and turned on Nathan and Erin.

  Erin turned to walk away.

  I growled. "Where do you think you're going, young lady!"

  She spun on me with a dangerous quickness, drawing her knife. "What did you just call me?"

  "I think you heard me."

  She started coming towards me, and my hand inadvertently moved to my Colt.

  Nathan said, "Stop it! Both of you!"

  Erin sheathed her knife. She looked me in the eye. "You're not sleeping now. How do you think you'll be sleeping if Pup catches frostbite, and we have to take him to the hospital to have digits removed? Will you keep the pieces as trophies?"

  I sighed. "We can't trust him."

  Erin shouted, "I trusted you with my face!"

  "You have to start trusting people some time," Nathan said. "We can train him."

  "We need a fourth!"

  I closed my eyes and felt like whimpering. Instead, I punched in the code to the door and p
ushed it open.

  Pup ran inside.

  I closed and secured the door.

  I said, "Give me your gun."

  Pup said, "What?"

  "I know you have a gun. Give it to me. You don't need it in the warehouse."

  He reached under his shirt and withdrew a snub nose .44. He handed it butt first to me. "It's loaded."

  Nathan said, "Welcome."

  Erin said, "Yes, welcome."

  "Can I use the bathroom?" Pup asked.

  I laughed. "Take a hot shower, too. You're about Ben's size, take over his room. There should be clean clothes in there. Nathan, show him the way."

  "I'll cook some eggs and bacon for you," Erin said. "So don't take too long of a shower."

  Pup nodded.

  Nathan headed off, and Pup followed.

  Erin headed towards the kitchen, and I said, "Wait one minute."

  Erin turned on me with a confused look.

  "If you pull a knife on me again, I'm not going to think twice about it; I'm going to shoot you in the face," I said. "Are we clear?"

  "But…"

  "It's not appropriate to pull knives on people, Erin. It's unladylike, and it's not how you treat your teammates."

  "Fine. Next time I'll just slap you."

  "I'd rather not get hit either, but I'd rather get slapped than have you pull a knife on me."

  Erin said, "Well, try not to be an asshole."

  I said, "Go and cook some food for Pup."

  She ran off.

  I went up to Manuel's room and looked for his digital camera. I went to the kitchen and found Pup eating eggs while Nathan and Erin watched. I pointed the camera at Pup and said, "Smile."

  Pup smiled, and I clicked the picture button. I said, "I truly do need your full name, Pup, or I'll have to kill you."

  He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He fished out his driver's license. "There's my driver's license. Full name, birthday, and social security number are all on there."

  "I'll give this back to you."

  I went upstairs. I emailed the picture and vitals on Pup to agent nine. I called agent nine. He started with, "It'll take a few minutes, Sidney. You can wait or call me back."

  I said, "I'd rather wait."

  I heard the phone click to a holding pattern, and some classical music started playing. I almost drifted off to a blessed sleep when the music clicked off. Agent nine said, "He's clean. B average student. Best classes are art & history. No criminal record. A couple of speeding tickets. Who is he?"