She sighed inwardly at the enormity of the task in front of her. Could tonight be the night his halo was about to lose some of its bling?
‘I’ve got news too,’ she blurted out, surprising herself. Her words cut through the atmosphere and hung awkwardly in the air.
‘Really? That’s great.’ Finn’s jaw did a small sideward shift action. ‘Let’s have it, then.’
You see, that was the thing. She never really had news of her own. Well, not the sort of news Finn was used to sharing. The ‘oh, wow, look at me, look what I’ve just done’ kind of news. Her kind of news was of the ‘I went in town and bought this amazing dress, not my usual thing, it was a bit retro, but then I met Laura for lunch and she talked me out of it, said it made me look like someone’s mother so I decided to take it back and I bought this other one. Much more me. Then we went to that new coffee place on High Street and I had a piece of the most amazing carrot cake’ variety. Not really earth-shattering, attention-grabbing type news.
Although in fairness, Finn always managed to deliver his good fortune with a good helping of magnanimity and humility. It just hadn’t occurred to her before. That she’d never been the one with any discernible good news. Looked as if today wasn’t going to be the exception to that rule either.
‘I can’t marry you.’ The words slipped out before she’d really had a chance to decide whether it was a good idea or not.
Silence. A deafening silence.
‘Sorry?’
She’d said it now. She couldn’t unsay it. Couldn’t pretend that really she meant something else entirely.
‘I’m so sorry, Finn, but the thing is I can’t marry you.’
Finn tilted his head to the side, his skin puckering between his eyebrows, his mouth twitching in anticipation of a smile.
‘Hey, where’s this come from? Pre-wedding nerves? It’s understandable.’ He moved across to scoop her into his embrace, but she recoiled from his touch, her body rigid.
‘No, don’t do that.’ She pushed him away with her hands. ‘Please. Sit down. It’s not pre-wedding nerves. It’s nothing like that. It’s just, it’s just…you. I mean us. I mean me. I can’t marry you, because, well, I don’t…love you.’
She said it very quickly and quietly, hoping he’d get the gist but not the detail.
‘It’s as simple as that. Sorry.’
Finn’s face flickered with confusion, his long enviable eyelashes blinking furiously.
‘Sorry?’ His lip actually curled up in disgust.
‘Yes, I’m sorry. About all this. Sorry for what I’ve just said. But that’s the way it is,’ she said, finding a resolve she hadn’t known she possessed. Such an inadequate word, Ruby thought now, as she heard herself babbling away. It didn’t even come close to expressing the guilt and despair and deep, deep sadness she was feeling. She couldn’t look Finn in the eye. Didn’t want to acknowledge the accusation and disbelief she knew she would find there.
‘I don’t understand.’ Finn’s voice was fractured, his expression troubled.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Ruby hadn’t thought beyond telling Finn, hadn’t contemplated having to explain, to justify herself. She’d only thought about breaking the news and then it being over. Hadn’t he read the script? He was meant to go now, but he wasn’t showing any signs of making a move.
He stood up, his long body unfurling slowly. Thank God. Just go, Finn. Just walk out of the door and don’t look back. His strong broad frame suddenly looked much stronger and broader, his unmistakably masculine presence filling every corner of the room. He did one circuit of the table, his movements precise and calculated, his hands clasped together in front of him as though he were about to deliver his summing-up in an important court case.
‘I don’t get it. You don’t love me?’
He said the words as though he’d never heard them before. Certainly not in that order.
‘Help me out here, Ruby.’
He turned to look at her, a fire flaring in his eyes she didn’t recognise.
‘We’re getting married in a couple of months’ time. It’s what we’ve always wanted, isn’t it?’ He shook his head as though he was trying to make sense of it himself. ‘I love you with all my heart.’ He banged on his heart for demonstration purposes, which Ruby thought wasn’t entirely necessary. ‘Everything. I thought you loved me too.’
With his gaze fixed intently upon hers, all she could do was give a small shake of her head, unable to find any better, more suitable words.
‘You don’t love me?’
She shook her head again, not wanting to give him false hope, just wanting him to get the meaning of her message, which clearly he was struggling to understand. She dropped her gaze to the floor, not wanting to see the reproach in his eyes.
‘Jesus, Ruby! How long have you felt like this?’
Even if she couldn’t see his reproach, she could feel it.
‘Oh, great, I see.’ He held up his hand to stop her faltering reply. ‘That’s just fucking marvellous.’
Ruby could barely look as he ran his hands through his hair, his distress all too clear to see in his features. Her stomach tumbled. Even in his despair, he still managed to look breathtakingly handsome. Not appropriate, not now, she chided herself.
‘And you only decide now to tell me. Two months before we’re due to get married. On the day that I’m told I’m being made a partner as well. I have to say your timing’s absolutely fucking brilliant.’
She flinched. Finn didn’t swear, not in front of her at least. His raw aggression was something she’d never witnessed before. His simmering anger was palpable. She wasn’t certain she liked it. At this moment she longed for her sweet, adoring, charming Finn to make a reappearance, but she had a suspicion he’d left the building for good.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Stop saying sorry!’ He gave a dismissive shrug. ‘You’re not sorry!’ He flourished his arm in the air. ‘Have you any idea? I don’t think you can have, Ruby.’ His voice was tight, unrecognisable even. ‘Not to do something like this.’ He paused, the silence and distance between them deafening. ‘Well, I should go,’ he said, looking with regret at the charred remains of their dinner on the table, the charred remains of their relationship haunting the scene. He made for the door, before turning to look at Ruby. ‘If this is what you want, then we’ll need to cancel everything. Let people know. I’ll leave that to you, if you don’t mind.’
‘Yes, sure. I’ll sort it. Don’t worry about that. I’ll deal with everything, tell everybody.’ Ruby’s voice trailed away as she saw the utter defeat and humiliation in his eyes. Oh, no! What had she done? She wanted nothing more than to run to his side and throw her arms around his neck and tell him it had all been a terrible mistake. To rewind to where they’d been only an hour or so ago. Whatever had she been thinking?
He shook his head and stormed out of the front door. Ruby followed him, her heart racing in her chest, her mind throbbing with the enormity of what she’d done. Could she really let Finn walk out of her life for ever?
‘Finn!’ Her heartfelt call came from somewhere deep within her soul, surprising herself and Finn. She had no idea what she wanted to say, she just knew she didn’t want him to leave, not yet.
‘What, Ruby?’ He’d reached the top of the staircase, one hand resting on the polished banister. He turned to look at her, but it was like looking at a stranger. There was a hardness in his eyes that she’d never seen before. Finn, the man she’d known for years and very nearly loved, liked an awful, awful lot actually now she came to think of it, was looking at her as though he hated her with every cell in his body. At that moment she wondered if she hadn’t actually loved him after all.
‘I… What I want to say…’ The words echoed around the communal hallway. ‘Do you want to come back inside? We can talk about it if you like. Work out what it is we’re going to do.’ Even as she said it, she knew it was probably one of the worst ideas she’d ever had.
Finn’s hand loosened its grip on the stair rail. His broad frame moved away from her. She saw his foot teetering on the edge of the top step, saw it slip away from him, his leg buckling beneath him, propelling his crumpling figure forwards in an out-of-control somersault motion. She heard his small exclamation of surprise, the whole episode unfurling in painstakingly slow motion. Thump, thump, thump went his body down the stairwell, slowly, in Technicolor clarity until he landed at the bottom of the stairs, his head making a sickening crack on the stone floor.
‘Finn!’ she cried, her terror rooting her to the spot for one God-awful second before a desperate energy filled her veins and she dashed down the stairs to his side. His body was lifeless on the floor, a small pool of blood gathering at the side of his mouth. ‘Oh, God, Finn,’ she whispered, cradling his head in her hands, ‘what have I done?’
Chapter Three
‘What’s his name, love?’
‘Finn. Finn McRae.’ The ambulance arrived within seven minutes, the longest seven minutes of Ruby’s life. A lifetime in which she prayed to each and every conceivable god in the universe that if they would only ensure Finn’s well-being she would never ask for anything ever again. She wouldn’t moan about her lot, she wouldn’t take anybody or anything for granted and she wouldn’t do anything horrible to anyone ever again. Finn especially. She’d spend the rest of her life making it up to Finn, if only she could be given the chance. What she’d thought she didn’t want only a few hours ago, she wanted more now than anything she’d ever wanted in all her life. Finn couldn’t die. He wasn’t allowed to.
‘He will be all right, won’t he?’ she pleaded to the paramedics who were administering to Finn.
‘We’ll get him transferred to hospital where they can take a proper look at him. He’ll need some tests. He looks to have sustained a nasty head injury. Are you his next of kin?’
The man’s words filled Ruby’s heart with terror.
‘Oh, God, no. He’s not going to die, is he? I’m his girlfriend. We’re getting married,’ she said, tears filling her eyes, desperately wanting her words to be true, despite what she’d told Finn earlier. This was all her fault. If she’d never had that stupid conversation with him, then Finn wouldn’t be fighting for his life now. ‘His parents are his next of kin. I should let them know.’
‘Yes.’ The man nodded, directing his attention back to Finn, his cool and calm manner only adding to the deep pit of dread building in Ruby’s stomach. ‘We’ll be going to St Thomas’s,’ he told her as he worked efficiently and quietly with his colleague, transferring Finn’s body onto the stretcher, the small crowd of neighbours who’d gathered watching in stunned supportive silence as the paramedics manoeuvred Finn’s body down the remaining flights of stairs.
‘If you come with us in the ambulance, then you can let us have Finn’s details. Tell us exactly what happened.’
‘Yes, yes, of course. I’ll phone his mum on the way.’
***
‘Ruby, darling! How is he?’
Seeing Jan and Gerry dash into ICU, their concerned faces looking towards Ruby for an explanation, brought to the surface the emotion she’d been trying to contain ever since Finn’s accident.
‘Oh, Jan, I don’t know.’ She fell into the older woman’s embrace, feeling the tears running down her cheeks. ‘He’s just come back from a scan. The doctors are in with him now. Do you want to go in?’
‘Mr and Mrs McRae?’ The young doctor turned to greet them, a neutral expression on her face. Ruby shuffled in behind them. ‘I’m Dr Anderson, the senior ITU consultant. We’ve just had the results of Finn’s MRI and CT scans back. He would appear not to have suffered any fractures in his body, just heavy bruising. What we are more concerned about though is the head injury he has sustained. The scan shows some heavy swelling and bruising.’
Jan gasped, looking at Gerry, who took hold of her arm urgently.
‘What does that mean? What are the implications?’ he asked.
‘It’s too early to say. We won’t know the extent of the damage until the swelling has subsided and so, I’m afraid, at the moment, it’s a “wait-and-see” scenario. Finn will be transferred to the neurological department where they can keep a closer eye on him and run further tests.’
‘When do you think he’ll wake up?’ asked Ruby in a small voice.
‘Again it’s a bit too soon to say. For the moment, he’ll be kept in an induced coma and closely monitored. Obviously as soon as there’s any change in Finn’s condition then we’ll let you know immediately.’
‘He will be all right, won’t he? Eventually, I mean.’
‘We’ll do everything we can,’ she said, with a tight smile, which did nothing to allay Ruby’s fears. The doctor’s unsaid words were so much more potent and chilling than anything she’d actually said. ‘You’ll be able to stay with Finn, of course, but just be aware it’s going to be a little while yet before we know any more information about Finn’s condition.’
When the doctor left the room Gerry gathered the two tearful women close in a hug. Ruby fell onto the big man’s chest. She loved Finn’s parents; they were the only real family she had now. Gerry was just like his son: big, strong and capable, the type of man who could make any situation right. As Finn could. Only this was a situation out of all their control. Gerry leaned backwards, his moistened eyes looking from his wife to Ruby, his hands gently squeezing each of their shoulders in a gesture of encouragement.
‘Now, come on, you two. You heard what the doctor said. It’s early days yet. We need to be strong for Finn. He’s going to need us when he wakes up and he will wake up, I have no doubt about that. This is a setback, but Finn’s a fighter. We all know that. He never does anything by halves, that’s for sure,’ he said, shaking his head and smiling ruefully.
Jan sniffed back her tears and rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands.
‘How did it happen, Ruby?’
She sighed, a huge swell of emotion filling every pore of her body. She didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to be reminded of those awful events.
‘I don’t know. It all happened so quickly. We’d had dinner together. Finn had just left—he was on his way home. He turned to say something to me at the top of the stairs and then I think he must have lost his footing. It was awful. He just fell down the stairs.’
It was a version of the truth, her version of the truth, but she knew it didn’t come close to explaining to Finn’s parents what had really happened. The guilt she felt threatened to swamp her.
She couldn’t tell them the truth. Not now. Not here. Not when Finn was fighting for his life in the next-door room. If they knew what really had happened, that Finn’s perilous condition was down to her callous and selfish behaviour, then they might tell her to leave. They’d be perfectly within their rights to. It was nothing less than she deserved, but she didn’t want that to happen.
Finn needed her. He might have hated her the moment he’d walked out of her flat door, but neither of them could have foreseen the tragic set of circumstances that had been about to unfold. As far as she was concerned, that awful toe-curling, cringe-inducing conversation with Finn had never happened. There was absolutely no need to mention it to Jan and Gerry.
‘Gosh, darling. And you saw it all? You poor thing.’ Jan squeezed her even tighter, and Ruby suddenly found the room short of air. Her breath came in short gasps; her body shuddered as the tears she’d been suppressing bubbled to the surface.
‘It’s all my fault!’
‘What? How can it be your fault, Ruby? I don’t understand.’
‘If Finn hadn’t come round tonight then none of this would ever have happened.’ Her words were lost in a torrent of sobs. ‘I am so sorry. I really didn’t want for any of this. I never meant…’
‘Of course you didn’t.’ Jan put an arm around Ruby’s shoulders, patting her
on the hand in a reassuring manner, putting a halt to Ruby’s faltering explanation.
‘None of this is your fault, Ruby. It’s just one of those things. A twist of fate. A freak accident.’
They both turned to look at Finn’s body on the bed, the plethora of equipment around him a constant beeping reminder that it was the only thing keeping him alive. But for how long? Would Finn ever wake up and be the same man she’d known and adored? She sighed, her gaze travelling out of the small window overlooking the city.
‘There’s no point blaming yourself,’ Jan went on. ‘Finn wouldn’t want that. He’ll tell you that just as soon as he’s back with us. You’ll see.’
Would he? wondered Ruby. She was probably the last person in the world Finn would want to see when he woke up. The expression on his face when he’d turned to look at her just before his fateful fall, a look that was now etched on her mind, suggested that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her ever again.
‘I’ll stay with him tonight, if that’s all right? I’d like to be there when he wakes up.’
‘Of course. You can stay as long as you like. I expect we’ll be here too.’ Gerry laid his hand on her shoulder. ‘But you heard what the doctor said. I have a suspicion that it could be a little while before Finn comes round. We might want to take turns at Finn’s bedside for a few days at least. Why don’t you get home, Ruby, and try and get some rest? We can phone you if there’s any change in his condition.’
‘I don’t want to leave him. What if…?’ Her words trailed away, not wanting to voice the terror of her fears that had been playing over and over in her mind.
‘I know you don’t, but honestly there’s nothing you can do here.’ Gerry’s tone was warmly reassuring. She could imagine Finn saying the same thing if he were here in Gerry’s place. What wouldn’t she give to have Finn at her side now, offering his usual, solid presence?
Hopelessly Devoted to You Page 3
