PLAYING FOR KEEPS

by MacLeod, J. E.

  “He’s a punk,” Mac’s father said. “Just like his father was.”

  Mom took a step towards him. My tiny little waif of a mother, taking on angry burly man. No, I don’t think so.

  “Mom.” I pulled her arm.

  She shushed me. “Zachary’s father is not your business. Zachary is not leaving this team just because you feel threatened by him.”

  Mac’s dad shot her a look of pure disgust. In the distance I could see Mac’s mom, a short woman with dyed blonde hair and heavy make-up applied to her tired-looking face. She was taking baby steps towards her husband and son.

  “Ha. This kid is nothing. He’s the son of a drunken womanizer,. . .” Mac’s dad stared straight into my mom’s eyes, ”and a lesbian, from what I hear from the kids.”

  Mac’s mom, who was closer to the action now, kind of gasped in disapproval, but neither son nor husband even turned to acknowledge her.

  To my mom’s credit, she laughed.

  I wasn’t as forgiving. “She’s not a lesbian. Leave her and my dad out of this, okay? Mac and I will solve this problem on the ice.”

  “What’s the problem?” called a voice from behind me.

  I turned to see Coach Cal striding towards us. His face was livid with anger as he took in the whole scene. He glanced at the people gathered around us as they edged closer, watching Mac and me and our parents.

  “What on earth is going on here?” No one said a word. “Mr. MacDonald? Mrs. Chase?”

  “Ms.” Spit out Mr. MacDonald, as if it were a swear word.

  The coach raised both his hands. “All right. That’s enough.” He turned to the hockey players, friends, and family who’d gathered to watch the display. “Now, everyone clear out. This is not the example I expect to have set by the parents of the best players on my team.”

  “My son is the captain of this team,” shouted Mr. MacDonald.

  “Calm down, Trevor,” said Coach Cal.

  I glanced at Mac, but then I realized that the coach was talking to Mac’s dad. So Mac was Trevor Junior. Oh God. How perfect. Like father, like son.

  “I won’t calm down. This fairy boy implied that my boy shouldn’t be captain. He’s the best captain this team has ever had.”

  The coach shot me a look and I shrugged.

  “Chase,” Coach Cal said, “get out of here.” He turned to my mom. “Ma’am, I would appreciate it if you would take your son home.”

  My mother nodded. “Zachary wasn’t the one causing trouble.” She seemed unable to resist adding that little comment.

  He gave her a look and she stopped talking.

  “Mac and Trevor, you cool off and wait a while before you leave this rink. I won’t have parents creating this kind of a fuss again in this arena.” He looked around at the kids who’d gathered, shaking his head.

  “This is not a good example to be setting for children. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I won’t tolerate this behavior from my team. Unfortunately it’s the kids who’ll have to pay.”

  We all looked suitably chastised, except for Mac Senior.

  Mom tugged on my arm.

  I caught sight of Jane moving forward through the crowd, and dug my heels in for a moment. I bent down as if to pick up my bag, but didn’t actually grab it.

  “Come on, Zachary, let’s go.” My mom sounded angry.

  “Hold on, Mom. Okay?” I said.

  Jane reached us. She and Hailey glanced at each other, and then Hailey took a step back. Jane stepped forward to where I stood with my mom.

  “He’s not worth the trouble, Zachary.” She spoke in a soft but clear voice. I stared in her eyes. Once I saw her, I didn’t see anyone or anything else.

  She took a deep breath. As I stared into the blue of her eyes, I believed I was capable of anything.

  “Thanks,” she said. She didn’t smile, but we both knew what she was talking about.

  “Get lost, you little dyke,” Mac hissed from behind me.

  Before I could reach back and start choking him, Jane lifted her hand and put it on my arm. She shook her head no, her eyes not leaving me, even to glance at Mac. “He’s not worth it. Don’t even bother with him.”

  “What the hell did you call my sister?” roared Josh. He came running towards us from behind Mac’s mom.

  “Parker, stay out of this.” Coach Cal put his hand in the air and shook his head.

  “Go,” mouthed Jane, still looking right at me.

  “Thanks, Zachary.” Jane said it louder so everyone could hear.

  I grinned at her, unable for a moment to think of anything to say.

  “Zachary, let’s go,” my mother tugged on my arm.

  I glanced around the arena, confused for a moment.

  Jane stepped back and sought out her angry brother. Another hockey player held Josh back from Mac. I glanced around. With a quirky smile, Hailey was helping to hold back Josh. He seethed, trying to shrug them off.

  Mac and his dad watched me like I’d just sprung devil’s horns. The other bystanders appeared shocked, thrilled, or both.

  Jane glanced at me again as she went towards her brother. She smiled, then she lifted her hand to cover it. Too late. I saw it and smiled back.

  I picked up my hockey bag and slung it over my shoulder, then turned and walked out of the arena with my mother tugging my arm.

  She didn’t say a word until we were both in the car. “What the hell is wrong with you, Zachary?” she spit out as soon as I closed the door behind me. I leaned back in the passenger seat since she’d gripped the keys and jumped in without asking if I wanted to drive. And I knew better than to push it right now.

  I didn’t say anything for a few seconds and stared out the window. I scanned the parking lot for Jane and Josh, but didn’t see them anywhere.

  “He’s an asshole, Mom,” I said to the window. I smiled, thinking of Jane and the way she’d looked at me.

  My mom didn’t even yell at me for using that word in front of her. She jammed her key in the ignition. “It’s not funny, Zack! And I know he’s an asshole.” The engine fired up.

  I turned from the window, shocked she’d said asshole.

  She ignored my surprise. “I’m sure that man puts that boy through hell, but the fact is, Mac is the captain.” She acted as if she cursed in front of me every day. ”You have to try to get along with him. Zack, this is such an important year for you. You can’t afford to screw it up. You haven’t been putting yourself in the game all season. And now, this. What if there were scouts in the stands today?” She shoulder checked and shifted the car into reverse.

  “So what if there were?” I slouched down in my seat, no longer amused by her vanilla cursing. Scouts. Who cared?

  She abruptly put her foot on the brake and slammed the car back into park. “What does that mean?” She whirled her head to stare at me.

  “I mean that Mac was being an asshole. He gave me a cheap shot, and then his dad practically attacked me in the arena. I need to stand up for myself, instead of checking the stands to see who’s watching. It’s not the most important thing in the world, you know. I have to look out for myself.”

  “What are you talking about? Of course it’s the most important thing in the world. You want to play hockey, don’t you? If scouts were there, they’d have thought you were a hothead. You have to be on guard all the time now.” She shook her head, not even able to look at me. She put the car back into drive and pulled out.

  “It was only a practice, Mom. Besides, I am a hothead, in case you haven’t noticed.”

  Her lips pressed tightly together. “You know what I mean.“

  I turned my attention back to the window. “Maybe it’s just not as important to me as it is to you,” I said under my breath. And then I held it. I’d never dared voice my doubt about my hockey playing future to my mom. Not even to myself, for that matter. I kept holding my breath.

  She reached over and grabbed my chin, turning my face towards her. I breathed out slowly, shaking her of
f.

  “Zachary. What’s going on?” she asked.

  “Nothing, Mom. It’s just that all you seem to care about is hockey. Maybe I can do other things, too. Some of those guys are assholes. Is that what you want for me? To become a professional asshole and treat other people like shit?” I wanted to add, just like Dad, but I couldn’t do it.

  “You know it’s what you want. You always have. Anyhow, there’re always going to be a few bad apples. I know it’s been hard for you, always the new guy, moving around, not having the chance to bond with the boys on your teams, but that’s the way professional hockey is, too. You move around a lot and you’ll get used to it. The scouts are going to come calling, and you have to be ready for them. You’re the only one on your team who is going to make it, you know.”

  I stared at her and chewed on my lip. Hockey. She took it for granted that it would be my career of choice. Yet she’d used her brains to get by, even though we inherited plenty of money from dad’s untimely death. She hadn’t kept contact with anyone from dad’s old hockey life, either. But she kept pushing hockey at me as if it were the most important thing in my life. I couldn’t understand why it was so important to her that I play.

  “But do I want to, Mom? That’s the million-dollar question. Do I want to play hockey the rest of my life? What if I become a big asshole? What if I start disrespecting women or treating them like crap? How much would you like that?”

  I wanted to say something to her about those girls in dad’s car when he died. I wanted to tell her about what’d happened with Mona, and ask if she really wanted me to follow in Dad’s footsteps in that way, too. But I didn’t.

  “I don’t fit in. And I don’t want to fit in.” I crossed my arms and stared out at the parking lot. It was nothing exciting to look at, except a bunch of cars and people.

  “I don’t want to be like him,” I said to the window. My teammates were trailing out of the arena now. I thought about myself at the Halloween party. Going after a drunken girl when I had feelings for someone else.

  “You didn’t know your father, and I’ll be sorry about that for every day of your life. But I knew him. He wasn’t perfect, but he was a good man. You would have loved him.” Mom stayed quiet for a moment. “It’s the girl, isn’t it?” She finally said. “The one who’s always reading books instead of watching the game? There’s something going on between you two. I saw it in your face.”

  I continued staring out the window, shaking my head. How did Mom know my dad wouldn’t betray her? Things happened when girls started throwing themselves at you, as I’d just found out. Anyhow, how did she know anything about what I felt for Jane?

  “Oh, Zachary. It’s her?” She sounded as if I’d done something bad. “That girl is making you question hockey? Just because she doesn’t like it?”

  I turned to her, furious. “Quit being such a bitch.”

  We stared at each other. I don’t know who was more shocked. Her face turned almost white, and she inhaled deeply and then blew out her breath. I turned to the window. I knew I should apologize, but I couldn’t.

  We sat in silence for a few minutes.

  “Drive out of here, would you please?” I finally snapped. ”Everyone’s starting to stare at us. Let’s just go.”

  She didn’t say anything, but pulled the car out of the parking lot and drove off.

  We drove without uttering a word for a few moments.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally said.

  She paused before answering. “She’s nothing like Claire,” she finally said.

  “Thank God. You don’t know her, Mom. Jane is brilliant. She’s way more than Claire could ever hope to be.”

  She didn’t say anything to that. I wanted to add that she wouldn’t sleep with anyone on the hockey team like precious Claire did. But I held back. Some things a guy just can’t say to his mom.

  She pressed her lips together until they turned white. “Well. I hope she appreciates your hockey. It’s the most important thing in your life right now.”

  “Maybe not.” I spoke to the window.

  “Don’t say that.” She sounded as if she was going to cry. “What’s going on, Zack? What’s the matter with you? Don’t worry about what happened today. It was just a blip on the radar. Mac isn’t going to keep bugging you. The coach won’t allow it to continue. You’re far too valuable a player, even when you’re not playing full bore, no matter what Mac’s father thinks.” She shook her head in anger as she thought of Mac Senior.

  I wondered what my dad would have done, if he’d have clocked Mr. MacDonald, or if Mr. MacDonald would even have dared to act that way if my dad had been there. I’d kind of hoped Dad would have knocked Mr. MacDonald on his butt if he were still alive.

  But the fact was, he wasn’t around. And I didn’t even mind. I grew up without him and I never knew him. I certainly didn’t want to turn out like him, and I didn’t know why it was so important to my mom that I did. Look where it got him, dead on the road with a car full of groupies.

  My mother didn’t realize it, but maybe other things were more important to me than hockey. It really was just a game. And maybe I had other dreams to go after.

  CHAPTER SIX

  WEIRD OR DIFFERENT?

  A few days later at school, I saw a chance to put my Jane plan into action. I’d been waiting for an opportunity to work at getting closer to Jane, and between classes I spotted her colorful literary friend alone, with Jane nowhere in sight.

  “Cassandra?”

  I startled the chubby girl by approaching her from behind. With her locker door wide open, I saw posters inside. They almost made a collage. Singers. Pop stars and rock and roll classics. I recognized Sarah McLachlan, a favorite of my mom’s. And Jann Arden.

  Cassandra turned to look at me, and her eyes scrunched into slits. “Yes?”

  “I’m Zack.” I hardly sounded brilliant, since I hadn’t totally prepared what I would say to break the ice. I smiled. She was prettier up close than I thought. She had a colorful scarf wrapped around her neck; it lit up her face and her green eyes.

  “Yeah. I know that. You’ve been at this school for, like, months already.”

  “Yeah. I have.”

  She stared at me. “I totally know all about you from my best friend, too. We both know that, right?” She looked around the hallway, as if she wished someone would rescue her from talking to me.

  I’d never taken a chance to approach her before, and of course, she was suspicious. We both knew I wanted to talk about her best friend, Jane. To her, I was just another guy, all caught up in the drama of his own life and oblivious to everyone else.

  “I’m not contagious or anything.” I said as I leaned against the locker next to hers, grinning.

  She just stared at me.

  “You look kind of worried,” I pointed out. ”Like you might catch something from standing near me.”

  She shook her head and blushed.

  “I thought you were awesome in the talent show last week,” I said. Blatant flattery, but it also happened to be true. I’d gone to the talent show because my English teacher gave our class extra credit for going, and I’d expected a lame bunch of acts. But this girl’s singing talent surprised me. It was extraordinary, and everyone watching knew it. I also thought she was brave, exposing herself to the school like that.

  “You should go on American Idol or something.”

  She blushed a deeper red, as if fighting off feeling pleased, just in case I was only teasing her.

  I wasn’t teasing her but I was on a mission. Since Jane wouldn’t talk to me beyond a couple of words, I’d decided on a back door route: get in good with the friend.

  “You sounded just like Jann Arden,” I said, hoping it was the right thing to say.

  ”Oh my God,” Cassandra said. “You know her? I was totally trying to do her style. You picked that up? You got that?”

  Thankfully, I did. I got her style. The girl could wail. The only thing against Cassandra was
that she wasn’t a size 2. I suspected it would matter. It usually does.

  “I play guitar and I sing a little. But nothing like you. You take singing lessons?” I asked.

  She shook her head no, but her overly gelled hair didn’t move. Her eyes shone with pleasure.

  “Sure sounds like you do.” I looked right at her, seeing her potential. I wanted to put her on a diet and send her to the gym. Talent only gets you so far. And I was as bad as everyone else, judging her for her weight.

  “I’m good at imitating people, but I’m better when I do my own voice,” she admitted, then hung her head and reached back into her locker to remove a couple of books.

  “Hey, you’re good. You know it. Don’t be afraid to admit it. That’s the way it should be. For example, I know I rock at hockey. Totally. But singing, I’m only average.”

  She looked at me warily, and then smiled and nodded. “I love performing, despite.. . .” She didn’t finish the thought. Then she took a deep breath of air. “I can’t believe you really liked it.”

  “Why not?” I watched as she closed her locker and put the lock back on.

  “Well, you know. Like you said. You’re a hockey player.” She looked around. Time to get to class.

  “And. . . ?” I didn’t move.

  Leaving me standing there would have been rude. I suspected Cassandra wasn’t brave enough for rude.

  She blushed again. “It’s just that, well, most hockey players.. . .” She stopped.

  “Didn’t go to the concert?” I supplied.

  “Not just that. They’re assholes.” She emphasized the word like she meant it. Like she really, really meant it. Then she caught herself, opening her eyes wide.

  “Sorry. No offense. I didn’t mean. . . I guess, since you sing too.. . .”

  I put up my hand. “No. It’s okay. You’re entitled to your opinion.” I grinned and pushed off the locker I’d been leaning on. “There are a lot of assholes out there and some definitely play hockey.” I winked. “Anyhow. I just wanted to tell you that I thought you were really good. You have natural talent.” I nodded to her locker. “You like Sarah McLachlan?”