This Girl Stripped

by Dawn Robertson

  Everyone turns to me waiting for my reply. It would be fun to push his buttons and ignore him, but I have a feeling it would cause more drama than I want to deal with from everyone watching me at this moment. Fuck, I hate being the center of attention! I push my chair back in a huff and reluctantly make my way to the kitchen. I don't want to do this.

  “What the fuck, Paisley?” River starts on me the second I round the corner. I should be asking him the same thing. He runs his fingers through his hair and turns away. It looks like he wants to punch something. He continues pacing back and forth across the messy kitchen. What does he want me to say?

  “What, River? What the fuck do you want from me?” He’s driving me crazy. Without even realizing it, I yell at him. I’m sure my voice is carrying throughout the entire house, but I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to handle myself, which is why I’m never good at this type of shit.

  Before I see him coming, he’s across the kitchen and I’m pressed up against the wall. His lips crash against mine. He takes me off guard, and I don't know what else to do but kiss him back, and I do; with everything I fucking have. I pour out all the betrayal I felt today into the single kiss. His lips pull away, and his breathing is labored. His green eyes memorize me.

  “Why, Paisley?” I don't understand his question. Why what? There are so many whys.

  “Why what, River? We share a night together and you ignore me all day. Act like I don't fucking exist. What do you want from me?” All I wanted to do was give him what he wanted, uncomplicated. I silently plead with him internally, please just let me go.

  “Fuck! Paisley, I disappeared because shit...” there goes his hands into his hair again. Fuck, he is sexy when he does that. “I wanted to get you something, I fucking went out shopping at the motherfucking mall on Christmas Eve because I didn't want to let you down.” I blow out the breath I didn't know I was holding as he grabs my hand and pulls me against his body. His arm wraps tightly against me.

  “I don't want you to go anywhere, Paisley. Ever.” His thumb rubs along my bottom lip, and my body quivers under his touch. He slowly pulls away from me and digs in his pocket, pulling out a set of keys with a heart shaped keychain. Certainly not what I was expecting. What exactly was I expecting?

  “You’re going to have to wait till the morning for your real present, so don't pout.” He laughs, and I smile. Not realizing my face had shown whatever upset look I just plastered on it without thought. “This is a key to my house. It is a little sudden, but I was thinking maybe you would want to move in with me. No pressure. It’s up to you.” Move in with him? I’ve never lived with a guy before. I mean, yeah, I’ve done a lot of sleepovers, but I’ve always had my own space to go back to. Is that something I really wanted to give up? Then again, this house isn't my space. Star owns it. This is her place that she shares with her child. Am I just imposing?

  As I pour over all the details, I can’t help but think about Diesel and how he would feel about it. Would he be upset? Would he ask me to move in with him? Fuck. I need my own damn place.

  “I'm going to have to think about it,” I’m honest, even though I’m tempted to jump in and say yes. It would be too much, too soon. Damn, we just fucked last night. What’s next? A trip down the aisle? Why is this on fast forward?

  I’ve never been good at any of this relationship shit, and even though I don’t want to tell River, I am completely torn between him and Diesel. My body pulls toward him, and Diesel already has a piece of my heart.

  “But, River, I want to spend time with you. I want this. I want us.” It’s the truth. “We just need time. I won't leave. I promise.” His face morphs into the biggest smile I’ve ever seen plastered to his face. I lean my face closer to his and press my lips to his. Our mouths meet in a mixture of promise and lust. I want to drag him back up to my bedroom and share a repeat of last night - Christmas Vacation and all. That’s when I realize it’s nights like this that I can share with him forever. No question in my mind. Confusing me even more. Why can’t I just have them both?

  Behind us, someone clears their throat. More like an entire table full of coughs, sputters, and backhanded comments. Like we should expect anything different from our families? His fingers lace between mine as we turn to face our audience.

  “Hey Ryker, you think we can trade chairs?” The gruff biker eyes him before he grunts like a caveman and moves to where River was sitting before our kitchen discussion.

  “So my house just got even more cramped huh?” Chrome's voice crosses the table, and I instantly feel bad for telling River I would think about moving in. I didn't even realize that he lived with Chrome. I’m sure in passing conversation it has been discussed, but the past month has been a pretty big blur.

  “I'm sorry. I can just stay here.” I interrupt. I feel my face turning crimson as Chrome starts laughing. Star joins him and soon most of the table is laughing. I’m not really sure what’s so funny though.

  “Honey, Merry Christmas. The house is both of yours. Scarlett and I are moving in here with Star and Magnolia.” Star smiles like a lovestruck fool, and I know exactly how she feels because I’m wearing the same expression.

  Both Magnolia and Scarlett screech like only tween girls can, jumping up and down, high fiving each other before flinging themselves into each others arms. “YAAAHHHHHHH!”

  The only problem I now have is fielding my emotions and what to do about everything with Diesel.

  After dinner, a ton of the bikers return to the house - even though Ryker was the only one technically not family to spend dinner with us. I sneak around the house looking for Diesel, hoping I can catch a moment alone with him and try to talk about everything that is going on; everything that has happened between us and where the hell I am supposed to go from here.

  I’ve sidestepped River more than a couple times, and he is starting to look annoyed with me. His possessiveness is abundantly clear. It excites me and scares me all at once, because the one thing I am looking for right now is independence and I begin to wonder if that is something I will be able to obtain with him.

  “What are you doing, Paisley?” River questions as he sneaks up behind me. His arms wrap around my middle and I debate telling him the truth. I’m not a liar. I hate lying actually. The little white lies I’ve told recently slowly eat me alive.

  “Actually, River…” I turn in his arms to face him. His smile fades. “I am looking for Diesel. I need to talk to him about some stuff.” His bright green eyes darken, and I think I said the wrong thing.

  “What would you have to talk to Diesel about?” I pull him toward the bathroom off the kitchen. Once we are inside I close and lock the door. We need privacy for this conversation.

  “River, after that night in my room. We spent a night together. We were gonna give things a try until I found out he was involved with someone else. It’s complicated.” I sigh and turn away from him. My heart is beating so fast, I’m sure it is going to sprint right out of my chest. I’m worried about whatever is going to happen, but I continue talking.

  “I care about him. I am torn between the two of you and I need you both to know that. I need to be honest with you, and with him.” My eyes start to pool with tears as I see River pulling away from me again. I hate that I just did that to him.

  “Paisley, you gotta pick. You can’t bounce between us. I can’t share you.” I knew it was coming. I just didn’t want it to come so soon.

  “I know River. I know. And I’m sorry.” I have to get away from him. I have to get away from everyone and everything. Maybe I should just talk to Star and see if she would mind loaning me money to get my own place - or even upping my hours at the art shop. Anything to just break away from this all.

  I push out of the bathroom, and right into a giant brick wall of a man. I don’t need to look to know it is Diesel. When my body collides with his, he wraps his arm around me and pulls me close. My heart skips a couple beats and instantly my body is tingling from the simple touch.


  “I’ve been looking for you.” I pull away from him, or at least try to. His arm tightens around my back. River picks that moment to walk out of the bathroom. He takes one look at us, and I just wait for the explosion. His fist collides with the wall behind my head, and I flinch. Did I think he was going to hit me?

  Diesel pulls me away, and River just walks out the back door into the cold December night. I give up.

  “You’ve been lookin’ for me, Princess?” Diesel chooses that moment to snap me back to reality - the reality where I do nothing but hurt other people. After being hurt so brutally myself, how can I live knowing what I’m doing to the men in my life?

  “Yeah, we need to talk about some stuff.” I almost want to say step into my office and pull him back into the bathroom, but instead I take him to my bedroom. He takes a seat in the armchair by the closet, and I sit cross legged on the bed.

  I don’t even know where to start.

  “Diesel, I like you. I really do. But I’m so damn confused.” I want to cry, but I try desperately to hold it all back. “River and I, he helped me when I first came to town. I went through some bad shit and once you know what happened you may not want anything to do with me. But, I need you to know, I want you both. I can’t stop thinking about the two of you. When I’m with him, I think of you. When I’m with you, I’m thinking of him. It’s a constant.”

  He’s calm, and cool. Everything River isn’t. He’s slowly becoming my safe, everything River was before we let shit get so complicated.

  “What did River say when you told him this?”

  “He said he wouldn’t share me. He couldn’t share me.” I wait, and watch his face. Looking for some kind of expression from the man that has genuinely captured my heart.

  “Paisley, I can’t tell you what to do. But, what I am going to do is let you go. If you’re meant to be mine, you’ll come back to me.” His boots hit the floor and he stands, making his way for the door.

  I feel like my heart was just ripped out and trampled on. But, maybe this is best? Maybe this is what’s supposed to happen? Maybe this needs to happen so we all can move on with our lives?

  “Diesel?”

  Without a word he turns around, and his deep carmel eyes meet mine.

  “Thank you.” I take a few steps, and wrap my arms around his neck, place a simple kiss on his cheek and let go. It’s what we all need.

  Claimed

  From the moment Diesel walked out of my bedroom, I stayed here. River was gone, and I had no idea if he would ever be back. Diesel walked away, giving me the space I know I needed. Every interaction with that man proved one thing; he was the level headed and mature one in this entire situation. The one I know I should run to.

  River’s hot and cold emotions would be too much for me in the long run. I have too many of my own demons to conquer without overcoming his. Maybe we just needed a little time apart? That sounded like a great idea. Exactly what I would do.

  My thoughts fade and I finally start to drift to sleep when I hear someone rattling my door knob. I want to yell go away, but fear spreads through my body. Is it Zane? Is he back for Christmas to visit with his family? Is he back to hurt me or worse? The fear keeps me paralyzed until I hear River’s loud whisper calling my name. I want to get up and punch him in the dick for scaring me so badly. I am sure he didn’t mean it, but Jesus H Christ!

  I swing my legs out of bed, and cross the room to unlock the door. I rub my eyes, and try and tame my hair. I must look like a damn train wreck. The Mrs. Claus nightgown hangs down to my knees, I wanted to be festive for the family in the morning. He just stands there staring at me. His jacket is open, and a Grinch shirt peaks out from under the leather. I want to ask him what he wants and why he’s here in the middle of the night, but before I can open my mouth to speak his lips are on mine.

  He grabs me by the hips and slams me against my bedroom wall. His mouth is full of hunger, like he needs me just as badly as he needs his next breath. I return the kiss with all the pent up aggression this day has left me with. I want to take it all out on him.

  My tongue roughly runs over his before I nibble on his bottom lip. I think that’s the exact moment he officially loses it. His hands fumble with his jeans and his hard cock springs free. I am taken off guard when he roughly spins me around and lifts my arms above my head, painfully pinning them to the wall. His pants fall the the floor, and the loud thud of his belt buckle carries through the entire house.

  River’s hand hikes my nightgown up, only to discover I didn’t wear any damn panties to bed. He lets out a laugh and his free hand crashes down on the bare flesh of my ass. The slap sings through the silent night air. It encourages him even more, and while I nurse the hurt of my freshly tanned ass, he slams his dick into me with no damn warning. I let out a gasp, and a moan all at the same time.

  I shouldn’t like how rough he is being, but fuck it feels good. With each thrust, he pushes deeper into me. His hands grip my hips tighter and he slams into me harder. I can’t help the moans that fly from my lips. I can’t hold back with him. It all feels to fucking good.

  His cock rubs against the tender wall of my tight cunt, and my pussy tightens around his cock. My orgasm slowly takes me over and I yell out in pleasure. I moan out River’s name over and over again as his pace begins to slow.

  He pushes his dick into me one last time, seating himself as deep as he can go, and that’s when I feel him release his own orgasm deep within me. I can feel every last hot spurt inside me as my body starts to sag down the wall. His grip on my wrists loosens, and he wraps his arms around my tired body, placing a kiss on the back of my neck. His nose burrows into my wild hair, and I swear for a minute he is sniffing me.

  “Fuck, I’m sorry,” he whispers into my neck. He gently starts to pull his dick free from my pussy. He starts to back away from me, retreating once again. I should have known this was coming. We went from best friends, to nothing more than fuck buddies. Once the sex is said and done, he just walks away because he can’t stand to be around me. It hurts, but it helps me know that I’m not the only broken person in the world. Maybe it is better off this way.

  I reach out for him and grab his hand. He pauses and I pull him close. My back presses against the wall and he rests his forehead against mine. I kiss him. I pour all of my feelings into that single kiss, because he doesn’t realize this is me saying goodbye to him.

  “It’s okay, River. I love every moment I share with you,” and it’s honest. I just don’t know if I can deal with the constant emotional breakdown I get when he decides he doesn’t need me once his balls are empty for the night.

  I send up a silent prayer, hoping that I can go on and live my life without River by my side, because it’s time I stand on my own two feet.

  “Star, you know I appreciate this.” I look around the small two bedroom house my sister rented for me. It’s been almost a full month since Christmas. Since I said goodbye to River and Diesel. I went to my sister and explained my need for some kind of independence and she immediately started looking for someplace I could comfortably call home.

  It isn’t anything fancy, the old wallpaper is peeling, and I’m pretty sure I will find lead paint in here someplace. But, I can call it my own for the time being and that’s exactly what I need. I never thought being alone would become so freeing, help me clear my head so much. Apparently it was exactly what I needed.

  “If this is what you need, it’s yours Paisley. You’ve been through a lot.” She wraps her arms around me and kisses the top of my forehead. “I gotta jet, I gotta pick up Magnolia and Scarlett from school.” She throws up the peace sign and walks for the door.

  “Do something wonderful with this space, Paisley.” I smile, because I plan on it. I have free reign to do whatever I want and after my bed is set up, I’m going to get working on my writing room. Where I plan on spending most of my time.

  I continue to write daily. Sometimes it’s only a sentence. Sometimes a page, but most
days I have full chapters to purge. I’m discovering things about myself I never knew. My desperate need for acceptance. My constant need for companionship. My fear of living life alone. But, the reality of it was that I wasn’t alone at all. I have family, and an amazing group of friends who would do anything for me.

  I’ve learned to set boundaries with River and Diesel, one handling it better than the other. Diesel is happy for any time we spend together. River on the other hand, refuses to talk to me at all. I thought he would always be there, even if we were just friends. He was just too immature to handle friendship apparently.

  A knock on the door pulled me out of the small writing room, and to the bright blue front door. How ugly is that shit? Pulling it open, Diesel stood there with a take out bag from Maggie’s and his tool box in the other hand.

  “Figured you might need help puttin’ that bed together?” he shrugs his shoulders and puts the toolbox down on the concrete front step. His brown eyes are bright today and he has his hair slicked back. I love it when he wears his hair like that. Shit.

  “Come in, get out of the cold.” I laugh as he kicks the snow off of his boots. “The bedroom is through those doors. There is like seven bazillion pieces for the bed. Good luck.” He hands me the bag from Maggies.

  “Chocolate chip pancakes, and bacon, your favorite,” he winks at me before he disappears into the bedroom. I smile, and make my way to the small two person table I have in the kitchen area. The house is quiet, so when I hear him complain I can make out every word and chuckle to myself.

  “What the fuck is this thing? Ikea? Goddamn it!”

  I peak my head around the corner, “You know, they say talking to yourself is the first sign you are losing your mind.”

  “Princess, I lost my mind the moment I met you.” He grins like the Cheshire Cat and my chest is filled with a tingly warm feeling. I wish his words didn’t affect me the way they do. I try and turn my emotions off constantly, but he can always get to me. Always make me smile, even without trying.