Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  “So, you going or not?” Mase asks again.

  I take a seat next to him on the couch and grab a beer from the mini fridge that sits on the floor. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m up for it.”

  “Are you still worried?” he asks, and then takes a hit from the joint wedged between his fingers.

  It still amazes me that he smokes that shit. With all of the training we do to land that one big fight, which could make or break our future, I don’t understand taking the risk of peeing dirty.

  “I’m always worried.”

  “You’re missing out on all of the fun of college because of her. I get it, but I’m sure she’s fine. She would want you to have fun.”

  Taking a swig of my beer, I focus on the coolness hitting my stomach and try to let it calm my racing thoughts. “I think my idea of fun may be a little different than yours. I miss her, man, and not being able to hear her voice every day is fucking with me.”

  “Then go see her,” he suggests.

  “Huh?”

  “Go see her. Don’t call, just fucking show up. Worst thing that happens is my dad sends you away.”

  It’s that simple. Just show up; at least Mase thinks it is. I know better. Dave won’t let me near her. He made it hard when we were still in the same town. What other choice do I have though? My mind is causing feelings inside of me that are affecting my fighting, and if I fuck up in the ring then our future is at risk. I need to get her out of there and into a stable environment where I can provide everything she needs. She deserves that and more.

  “You’re right.” I down my beer. “If I don’t hear from her by Saturday morning, then I’ll head there after my training.”

  “Thank you. You’re turning into a pussy on me and I can’t take that shit.” Mase walks to the door, letting in a group of girls. “Well, hello, ladies, come on in and join me. Oh, and ignore the pussy sitting on my couch. His dick is broken, but I’ve got plenty to go around.”

  “Fuck off,” I say, as the girls filter through his apartment, one practically sits in my lap.

  Her finger runs down my chest. “I bet I can help with that.”

  “It works just fine. I just choose not to stick it in every hole that’s offered.” Grabbing her hand, I remove her from on top of me.

  “Come on, man. Forget about all that shit for once and have some fun. What if she’s choosing not to talk to you and it has nothing to do with my dad? I love my sister, but you have to come to terms that she isn’t calling for a reason,” he says, a girl already wrapped around him, sucking on his neck.

  Shaking my head, I can’t believe that. He doesn’t know what we shared. He knows about the time I spent with her at night, but I never shared with him how deep my feelings for her go. I want to hold on to those moments, keeping them for just us and not letting the rest of the world taint them. Our time together was tainted enough.

  The girl from my lap is persistent; I’ll give her that. She rises with me from the couch and follows me to the door. “Come on, JT. We can go somewhere private, and I’ll never speak a word about what we do. Your girl never has to know.”

  I lean down until I’m eye level with her, and I don’t like how short she is. My girl has legs for days, and I love how she stands out above most other girls her age. “But I would know. I’m not about cheating and maybe you shouldn’t be so easy. Maybe you’d find a guy like me to respect you, instead of using you and throwing you away.”

  “Screw you, sounds like your girl ain’t that into you anyway.” Lap girl turns and walks away.

  I’m leaving here feeling worse about things with Riley. How the fuck did that happen? I’ve only been here for ten minutes. Mase is right, I need to go see her, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to wait two more days.

  Twenty

  Riley~present day

  “It was nice to spend the evening together, all three of us.” Nate rubs his hands up and down my arms as I brush my teeth.

  I spit and rinse then smile at him in the mirror. Grabbing a washcloth, I busy myself to avoid turning in his arms. I’ve been a mess these past few days. I can’t help but focus all my thoughts on Reagan. Dalton’s passing has affected my home, too.

  He was more than just my best friend’s husband. He was a friend and a father figure to my daughter. He was one of the kindest men I have ever met and his death has left a hole in my heart.

  Nate takes a seat on the edge of the tub. “Look, Ri, I know this has been a tough week. I don’t want to push you because I know this isn’t easy on you, but I want to be involved in every part of your life, including meeting your friends.”

  I don’t know why I keep him separate from the rest of my life. Maybe it’s because of what happened with Striker. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m just not ready to integrate the people I consider family with the life I have with Nate. Maybe that says something about our relationship. I don’t know.

  “I know, Nate. I’m sorry I’m so difficult.”

  “I just want to be able to move forward in our relationship. I feel like we are just stuck. Most people become part of the other person’s life.” He leans forward; resting his elbows on his knees and rubs his hands together, awaiting my response.

  If I didn’t work for him, I wouldn’t know this is a sign he’s agitated with me. He wants something from me that I can’t give him. He’s not used to that. Women are usually begging to be on his arm. Not only do they drool at how insufferably handsome he is, but he’s loaded, prestigious, and powerful. I thought he was everything I wanted at the beginning of our relationship, but I’ve had the burning pit of desire before and it’s just not there with Nate.

  I’m being greedy. I know it. Nate has given me more than any man should have to give a woman. He’s paid for my therapy and taken care of my daughter, watching her so I can care for my estranged brother. He’s done all of this, and more, while I’ve put him on the back burner, neglecting our relationship. We haven’t been intimate in over a week and even when we were the last time, I wasn’t present. I was mechanical, just going through the motions.

  Nate knows there’s a change in me. That’s why he’s sitting here pushing for answers about moving forward, because Nate gets what he wants.

  “We need to move forward.”

  I turn around, facing him in aggravation. “I know, Nate!”

  Nate stands, moving until we’re face-to-face. “Don’t raise your voice with me. I’ve done it all, Riley. I’ve been everything you needed me to be. It’s time for you to give back. That’s how this fucking works.”

  “Fine,” I agree, out of obligation—not desire.

  “You’re damn right it’s fine. How do you think it felt to not even be present with you at the funeral?” His breathing increases, as he tries to control his temper.

  “I know.”

  “You know what exactly? How I do everything for you and Kiley, and you don’t give anything in return? I provide you a job. I pay for all of the things we do together. I paid for you to get the help you needed, and I sit here and take care of your daughter while you’re out taking care of another man.” He leans down until we are so close our noses touch. “Please, Riley, tell me what you know.”

  I swallow the emotions thickening in my throat. “I will do better.”

  “You’re right. You will. I’m tired of providing all I can for you and not getting anything in return.” He walks away, slamming the door behind him.

  I feel stunned for a moment, but then the kick of déjà vu to my gut hits me like a ton of bricks. I hear his voice in my head. “No man wants to give so much and get nothing in return. At some point, you owe me for everything.”

  I break down at the memory. I don’t like that Dave was right, or how I now feel like Nate is my new Dave. It’s the same, right? He does something for me, just to get things in return. It’s just easier for me to see it now after living through it once.

  No, this is not the same. Nate has proved, time and time again, he love
s me. He’s never kept me from other parts of his life, but I’ve kept him out of mine. I get why he’s angry. He doesn’t want to keep me away from my life; he just wants to be a part of it. I need to figure out why I don’t want to include him.

  I calm myself down and wash my face one more time to hide the evidence of my tears. I don’t want Nate to have that kind of power over me. I promised myself years ago, no man would have control over my tears and I will not give that to him today.

  Why today? My mind has been a mess. How can I be there for Rea, when she won’t let me? How can I be there for my daughter, when I feel weak myself over the loss of a good friend? Things with Jon are still putting me in a fragile place, and now I have to deal with Nate’s feelings. I know I’m not equipped to handle all of this. Shit, one thing at a time is hard enough.

  Heading into my bedroom, I find Nate lying back in my bed, his feet crossed and his hands behind his head, eyes closed. I drop my clothes as I make my way over.

  Climbing over top of him, a calm comes over me as I do the only thing I know. I stop with the apex of my thighs over his lap.

  Leaning down, I place a kiss just below his ear and whisper, “I’m not good at this Nate. I’m sorry.”

  He takes my head in his hands and devours my mouth; all words are forgotten. Physical need and desire take over as I let him take out all of his emotions on me. I give my body over to him, allowing him to overpower and dominate me until we’re both physically worn and exhausted.

  It’s early morning before he’s had enough, and I know I’ll be exhausted come tomorrow. However, I just bought myself time, and I need as much as I can get before having to face what he’s asking for.

  Twenty-one

  Jon~present day

  Sweat is running down my face as I run through the park. I like it here. It’s quiet most of the time, especially early in the day, which is my favorite time to run. Today’s meeting with Nate kept me from getting here early. It’s nearing evening and the hot August sun is scorching. There are a lot more people present at this time of day than what I’m used to, but I’m good at staying to myself.

  My earbuds are pumping some of my favorite rock songs into my ears, pushing me forward. I always run until my playlist ends, even if I’m past my five-mile goal. I don’t know how far I’ve gone today yet, but I know I am only three songs away from the end of my run.

  I come around the bend near the playground area; my feet slow as I catch a little blonde-haired girl, standing off to the side waving her hands excitedly at me.

  “Hi.” She continues to wave as I get closer. “Aren’t you my mom’s friend?”

  It’s Riley’s daughter. Kiley, I believe she said her name was. I want to think it’s a stupid thing to do; name your kid practically the same thing as your own name, but it’s something the old Riley would do and it makes me smile. Why, I’m not sure, but it does. Unfortunately.

  Groaning at myself, I come to a stop in front of the girl and pull out my earbuds. “That’s me.”

  “Wow, you’re really sweaty. That’s gross.”

  Grabbing the towel tucked into the back of my shorts, I clean the sweat from my face. “It is pretty hot out here.”

  “And you’re running.” Her eyes widen and she nods her head. “That’s not very smart.”

  I smile at her honesty. “I’ll be okay. I’m used to it.”

  “Well, I hope you’re drinking lots of water.”

  “Kiley, what are you do…Oh.” Riley walks up sounding worried.

  “Hey.”

  “Hi, Jon. Out for a run?”

  “Looks like it.” I can’t help my sarcasm.

  Her nose scrunches. “I guess that was a pretty stupid question, huh?”

  “I think there is some kind of rule that says no questions is stupid.”

  “Sorry if she interrupted your run.” Her eyes roam over my bare chest and she clears her throat. “I was going over a work email, and I didn’t see her walk off. She doesn’t normally talk to strangers.”

  Pulling my shirt from the waist of my shorts, I slip it over my head. “Am I a stranger now?”

  “Well, not to me you aren’t, but to my daughter, yes.” She has that mom look about her as she talks, stern and in charge.

  I can’t help but smile at her. She’s right, besides that short moment outside of Mase’s, I haven’t seen her daughter since. I also haven’t seen Riley in her uptight work attire for weeks now. I’ve gotten used to the more relaxed look she wears at Mase’s, and while she looks hot as shit right now, I prefer to see her out of this.

  I bet her body is still fine as hell with curves in all the right places. I can remember the way touching her body used to make me feel. Just the glide of my fingers across her soft skin stirred more than just feelings in my dick. I could feel my touch on her from my head to my toes. I haven’t felt anything like it since her, and I’ve touched my fair share of women.

  I have the urge to reach out and touch her, see if the feeling is still there. How would it feel to run the tips of my fingers from the tips of hers up to her bare shoulder? I bet her skin would break out in gooseflesh just like it used to. Would it feel the same to me, or did she break my heart enough back then to have me never enjoy that kind of reaction to touch again.

  “Jon, would you like to join us? I’m just over here on the bench while she runs around for a bit.”

  I nod yes, feeling obligated. I’m not sure why I feel that way. I’m also not sure why my thoughts have taken such an extreme turn. I’ve tried to block out every memory I have about her. I always thought it was because of the anger I felt toward her, but I swear ever since she first started coming in to the gym, I slowly recognized what I actually felt. Hurt.

  Riley reaches into a bag next to her as I sit down and silently offers me a bottle of water.

  “Thank you.” I take the water, downing it all before placing the lid back on.

  “She loves it here and I usually still have some work to do in the evenings. It’s a great place to let her play so I can finish up before heading home and starting dinner,” she says, as she watches Kiley run around the play area.

  I watch her dart around too, and I can’t help but smile at how happy her daughter is. I don’t speak as we sit here, afraid of the words that may creep up my throat. Things are bottled up tight enough at this point, I’m afraid I might crack.

  “Sorry, I just have one more email to take care of.”

  I raise my hand in understanding. Kiley isn’t gone long before she runs up to me.

  Grabbing my hand, she pulls me toward the swings. “Will you push me? I bet you can push me higher than Mommy.”

  I scratch the back of my neck, unsure, as she drags me along.

  “Jon, you don’t have to if you don’t want,” Riley says, from the bench.

  “Pretty please?” Kiley begs, turning her blue eyes up at me.

  I can’t say no. “Just for a minute, I guess.”

  She hops up and grabs hold of the chains.

  “Okay, ready?” I ask before giving her a little push.

  Kiley laughs. “Come on. You’re stronger than that.”

  “Are you laughing at me?”

  “Yeah.” She laughs again. “I thought you would be able to push me high.”

  I push her a little harder, but worry she’ll fall off if I push too hard. I never knew swings could make me so nervous, but I’m fucking worried. What if her butt slips off and her little fingers get stuck in the chain. It could rip her fragile skin right off.

  “Is this high enough?” I ask, my nerves still getting the best of me.

  “HIGHER!” she yells with excitement.

  Looking next to us, I watch as a child smaller than her swings above my head, back and forth, back and forth. Then when his swing is at its highest, he leaps from the seat. My heart stops for a fraction of a second and he lands in the grass with a thud.

  “Push me that high, Mr. Jon.”

  “A little higher, but not that h
igh.” Is she crazy?

  “So Mommy says you are Uncle Mase’s best friend. I really like him. I bet I’ll really like you, too,” she says, matter-of-fact.

  Uncle Mase? Maybe I was wrong in assuming who Kiley’s dad is. “We’ve been friends for a very long time, probably since we were your age.”

  “I just turned eight.”

  “I thought you looked like you just had a birthday.”

  She turns, trying to look at me, arching her back and swinging her legs as she gains momentum. “How can you tell that?”

  I step to the side, allowing her the freedom to swing as high as she likes. “Something about you just screams; I had a birthday.”

  Her smile grows, knowing I’m bullshitting her. “You can’t tell that by looking at me. Max turns eight in a little over a month, and then we’ll be the same age again.”

  “Oh yeah? Who’s Max?”

  “Max is my best friend. We’ve been friends for a long time, too. Well, since he was born.”

  Kiley reminds me of Riley. Straightforward and honest, but Kiley is not shy like her mother used to be. I wonder if Riley would have been this way if it weren’t for that dickwad of a stepfather she had. No one’s spirit should be crushed like hers was.

  “Do you think I’ll see you at Uncle Mase’s house? Mom says now that we met, and he’s feeling better, I can go with her to visit.”

  I walk around to stand in front of her. “I guess you will then.”

  “Good. I’d like that.”

  This little girl is something, but in a good way. “You good now, since I suck at pushing you? I’m going to go say bye to your mom.”

  “Yup. Bye Mr. Jon.”

  I wave goodbye and walk back toward Riley.

  “I’m sorry, Jon. I’m almost done. I hope she wasn’t too much of a bother.” She’s talking to me but still staring down at her phone.