Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  “Look at yourself. I don’t want you to see all of the things that have happened to you. I want you to really look at yourself.” His hands rest on my hips and his breath tickles my ear.

  I try. I take myself in, digging deep into the depths of my being. I just don’t find much that I like.

  “You’re not your circumstances, Riley. Trust me, I struggled with this, too, but you’re not. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on, but that’s not who you are either. Think back to those times when I would climb through your window, or when we would dance by the riverbed.” His eyes are closed, like he’s recalling it too.

  I remember those days with a fondness that makes my heart swell. They are some of my most precious memories. I carry them with me every day.

  “I think of those times often.” I look at myself, trying to allow that young girl to reappear.

  He continues, his forehead presses against my temple, “Don’t think of us, but think of the girl you could be during those moments. Think of the girl letting all her worries go and twirling in the evening sun.”

  I smile at the memory. She may not have had everything figured out, but she had something I lost along the way. She had hope.

  “Remember her, Ri? Remember the girl who could smile bright enough for me to feel the warmth spread through my heart. She’s a special girl. I know she’s still in there. I see her when I look deep into your eyes. I see her when I catch you looking at me, longing for all of the things we used to share.” His words reach deep inside of me.

  I can feel them reaching for the girl I used to be before life locked her away. His words always affected me like no one else’s could. I can feel her crying for freedom. I can feel her wanting to dance in the sun again. She’s pleading with the woman I’ve become. The honest girl, who spoke all her thoughts to a loving boy, wants her time on this earth. No more lies, she urges. Cut out all the bad and let in the good.

  FIND YOUR FREEDOM!

  “Do you see her?” Jon asks.

  My voice is weakened by all the emotion swirling deep in my gut. “Yes.”

  Jon pulls away and turns me to face him. Our eyes lock as we search deep within the other’s soul. Recognition seeps through me, circulating in my blood. I know this man and his heart. It’s the most perfect heart I’ve ever seen. The love it’s capable of is awe-inspiring.

  Suddenly it hits me. He’s the reason I haven’t found the man I’ve been looking for these past eight years. I was looking for someone to give my heart to, but I gave it away years ago. This man in front of me still holds it firmly in his grasp.

  “I feel it, Ri. I realized after the last few times we spent together, I still want you. I just couldn’t have you while you were with him. I thought you were finally happy, and I couldn’t step in the way of that.”

  Overcome by his admission, I lean in placing my lips gently against his. Our lips press firmly to one another’s and I take in the emotion it’s laced with. Our lips come together with the type of passion I haven’t experienced in quite some time. He parts his lips slightly, and our lips move in sync with each other. Tentative and slow. Giving and taking the emotion the other has to share.

  I’m overcome by how different a kiss with Jon is. Not just any kiss though, this kiss, the one that has come after hearing all the right words. I’m caught off guard, not needing to take things any further, because I feel the touch of his lips deep within my bones. I only desire to experience the love behind his lips meshing with mine, and for once, I let myself have this.

  There’s no ulterior motive—no reward being held over my head. It’s just JT and me. He’s only asking for me.

  Twenty-eight

  Jon~present day

  Date number ten. This feels like a big number. After hearing how her life has gone since I went to jail, I decided she needed to have what I always planned to give her. It’s never too late, right? We’ve gone out at least twice a week. Some dates Kiley has joined us; I’ve learned we went through all we did because that little girl was meant to be part of our lives.

  It’s strange how your opinion of things can change, once you learn the reasons behind decisions that were made. Knowing Ri lied back then to protect her precious daughter gives me a sense of acceptance for where it landed me. I find myself wanting to protect Kiley, too. The more time I spend with the both of them, the more I find myself realizing what I would sacrifice to keep them happy and safe.

  I stopped pursuing my case with Nate, but he was persistent in his attempt to apologize to Riley, calling every day for two weeks before I answered. She still didn’t want to speak to him, so I listened as he sincerely apologized over and over for his actions. Jealousy got the best of him. I understand. It once got the best of me, but unfortunately our actions reap a consequence. Nate even went as far as offering for Riley to keep her job; more like begged for her to come back. It wasn’t something she would even entertain the thought of and I went one day to collect her things, praying every minute I was there; I wouldn’t run into Nate.

  I can’t bring myself to spend time, no matter how little, with a man who put his hands on a woman the way he did. Personally, I wouldn’t have gained anything from an expunged record anyway. It was more about the principle behind it for me. The things I found important when I moved back here seem less meaningful now.

  Walking up to her door causes excitement to build in me. Is the feeling I’m having butterflies? Is it possible for a grown-ass man to have butterflies take flight in his stomach? I’d like to think of it as something else. I’m no pussy.

  When Riley answers the door, there is a bright smile lighting up her beautiful face, my heart stops. Is it possible to fall for this girl over and over again? I swear it’s like we’re teenagers again. She looks up at me timidly, like she’s as pure as they come, and I let myself believe I’m still the only man she’s ever fallen for, but I guess in some way that’s true.

  “Let me grab my purse.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and walks away, returning a short moment later.

  I thread my fingers through hers and guide her to the car. “I thought you wanted to drop Kiley off. Where is she?”

  “Reagan decided to take the kids to a movie, so she picked her up early.”

  “How did your talk go with her last night?” I ask, knowing she had plans to fill her best friend in on everything that’s happened to her.

  “It was good. She’s always known there was more than what I was telling her. She just let me come to her when I was ready, she said. I feel closer with her now. It’s nice to not feel like I have to hide.” She releases a heavy breath.

  I can tell she feels lighter today. I don’t understand why she wanted to hide her past from someone she considered a best friend, but I know it was more Riley than it was Reagan. She led me to believe it was because she wanted to be seen as a trustworthy friend but the guilt she felt over me caused her to lock it all away, hiding her true self.

  “I’ll get your door.”

  I open her door and turn her toward me before allowing her to slip into her seat. She looks up at me and there’s clarity to her green eyes I have yet to see. When her eyes crinkle and her lips break out into a smile, my breath catches. Okay, maybe I am a pussy. I pull her to me, holding her close and breathe her in.

  “I’m glad it’s just us tonight.” Her voice is laced with desire.

  I’m going to let myself have her tonight. I’ve refrained because of all she’s told me, but for us things are different. They are more meaningful. “Me, too.”

  Placing a small kiss to her lips, I let her back herself into the car. As I walk around to my side, I recall how heated things have gotten between us. I swear I can still faintly smell her scent on my lips. My scalp is still tender from where her nails dug into me as she came on my face. Damn, it was a beautiful thing. Times like that with her seem to vividly engrain themselves in my brain. She’s tried to reciprocate each time I’ve brought her pleasure, but I haven’t allowe
d it.

  Riley needs to know her happiness and pleasure are what bring me joy. I’m not after her for what she can give me. I’m just after her.

  “Where are we headed?” she asks, as I climb in the car.

  I throw her a smile. “It’s a surprise.”

  We drive for a short distance before pulling into the lot of our destination.

  “Indoor mini-golf.” Surprise and disappointment greet my ears.

  I’ll let her think this is all I have planned. “Come on.”

  We grab our clubs and golf balls and make our way through the course, competing with each other along the way.

  “Hole in one!” she yells. “Make sure you write that down correctly. I think I just pulled into the lead with that hole.”

  I guide her to each hole with my fingers threaded through hers. I like this, being with her out on the town, no worries of curfews or punishments because we are spending time together. This is the way it was always meant to be.

  “How do you like working at the gym?”

  Mase gave her a job when he found out she’d been out of work for a week. She’s been running the office, and it’s freed up some of his time to meet with clients and play a bigger role in their training. I know training has been important to him since he’s decided not to step foot back in the ring as a fighter himself.

  “It’s different, but in a good way. There’s a lot to do to keep me busy. It’s not nearly as stressful as working in a law office, so I’m thankful for that.” She putts her ball. “Hole in one!”

  Damn it. She’s gonna beat me. “What the hell? How did you get so good at putt putt?”

  “Beginner’s luck, I guess.”

  “No way. I think you’re hustling me.” She’s conned me into thinking she’s never played before.

  I finish the same hole in three strokes. Grabbing her hand in mine, we head down the path, halfway to the next hole; I pull her in front of me and place my hands over her eyes.

  She startles. “What are you doing?”

  “Shhh. Just trust me.”

  I lead her down near a bench and rest both of our clubs against it, one hand still covering her eyes. I wanted to take her back to the river where we used to spend time together, but it’s the middle of winter and I didn’t want her to freeze like last time.

  “Just listen,” I whisper into her ear and wrap my free hand around her waist, pulling her body flush with mine.

  She’s silent for a moment, then I feel her eyes shift under my hand, and I know she’s smiling. “It sounds just like the river you used to take me to.”

  I uncover her eyes and she takes in the running, blue dyed water, flowing over the fake plaster rocks. I turn, push play on the music I programmed into my phone, and turn her to face me.

  Her eyes go wide and she takes in our surroundings. “What are you doing?”

  “Dance with me.”

  “Here?”

  I try to pretend we are back at our spot and not in the middle of an indoor mini-golf center, surrounded by other patrons. “Why not, this is our spot?”

  She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, but I wrap her in my arms anyway and sway to the beat of the song. I put together a list of songs we used to listen to when we were teenagers to complete the feel of the moment.

  She finally gives in, wrapping her hands behind my neck and laying her head against my shoulder. “Remember this song?”

  I could never forget it. It’s the song that played the first time we kissed. “How could I forget?”

  We stay like this for three more songs, holding on to each other, drowning out the world, and remembering everything we used to have with one another. These are the memories that should stand out when we think of our past, the good ones that brought us together, not the bad ones that tore us apart.

  “JT, thank you.”

  I smile at my nickname and absorb the way it makes me feel coming from her lips. I’m thankful I let her back in. It’s hard to accept when you need people sometimes, but I do. I need her. I’ve realized over the past few weeks, my life wasn’t going the way I wanted it to for more reasons than I thought. I didn’t know how to find myself again, but I know now it was because of Riley. I’m not JT without my Ri Bug.

  I can’t wait any longer. “What do you say? Wanna get out of here?”

  “I thought you’d never ask.” She snatches up our things and drags me toward the exit.

  “In a rush, are we?” I kid.

  She looks back at me, her lower lip pulled between her teeth. Her eyes are a blaze with desire. “I’ve waited going on nine years. I don’t think that’s a rush.”

  My hand lightly tickles her inner thigh as hers traces my arm the entire drive back to her house. When I step out of the car and round to her door, pulling it open, she leaps out and jogs up to her house.

  She has it open and is inside before I make my way up the walk. When I enter the house, she’s waiting right inside, jacket already removed. I take her in. Her blonde hair is pulled high on her head, and she’s in the sexiest ripped up jeans I’ve ever seen. Chucks cover her feet and a loose sweater hangs from one shoulder. She looks hot as hell and this is the way I want to see my girl all the time. She is the finest as herself.

  “You gonna stare at me all day or come over here and let me kiss you?”

  The air surrounding us is buzzing with desire and excitement. Those fucking butterflies leap to life again. I finally get to enjoy all of this fine woman in front of me. The adrenaline coursing through my veins is something I’ve never experienced before. I thought stepping foot in a cage, ready to take on my opponent, was the biggest high I would ever feel, but it’s got nothing on this moment.

  Slowly I step toward her, savoring the feel of this. When I reach her, she surprises me by leaping into my arms.

  “What if I would have dropped you?”

  Her lips crush to mine. Her tongue invades my mouth, searching and swiping against my own. “That would never happen. The only thing you’re capable of is making me fly.”

  I growl in need for this woman and this time I crash my lips to hers. This kiss is aggressive and messy. It’s a release of all the pent-up tension that’s been building between us.

  Walking with her in my arms, I take us to her bedroom. I lay her down, still firmly wrapped around me. Her mouth leaves mine and she rains tiny kisses over my neck, sending tingly sensations throughout my skin. My lips go on a search of their own, drawing out a moan from her.

  Pulling away, I remove her sweater, revealing the most delicate lace that exposes the faint silhouette of her hardened nipples to me. I work on her jeans next, dragging them slowly down her long legs.

  Hastily, I remove my own jeans, dropping them in a heap on the floor, and rip my shirt off, tossing it across the room. My hands travel slowly up her thighs, her skin feels satiny under my touch.

  I rest a flat palm over her stomach. “Are you shaking?”

  “I can’t believe I’m finally here with you, like this,” her voice quivers, giving away the emotion that’s surrounding this moment.

  My eyes roam over her body, the one I used to know so well. Tickling fingers and lips trace over the parts of her they remember, driving her wild. It’s like traveling a dirt road that leads you back home after being gone for a decade. You never forget your way.

  When I settle between her legs, sinking into her depths, I feel what this is. It’s more than just two people taking pleasure from one another; it’s the binding of two souls that were meant to be one.

  I move in slow, languid motions, in and out of her; her hips meeting mine with every thrust. Neither of us is in a hurry. We want to take all this moment has to offer. Pleasure ripples down my spine. Logical thought abandons me, and I’m left with an exploding amount of emotion that causes a tear to roll down my cheek.

  Riley leans forward capturing it with a kiss. The heaviness of this moment wraps itself around us. Our lips move together, slow and purposeful. I feel like I’m still n
ot close enough to her. I want to crawl into her heart the way she crawled into mine all those years ago. I want her heart to be my home, never letting me go.

  “You feel so good,” she whispers.

  I grow harder inside her. Her walls clench around me and I watch her face as she shatters beneath me. Her release triggers my own and we tumble over the edge as one.

  I’m done for. I hope my heart knows what it’s doing, because I won’t be able to handle her giving me up again.

  We lie there in silence, still connected. I don’t want this moment to end. I could be here with her like this forever. My heart swells at the idea of a future together.

  I think she’s fallen asleep, but her lips begin to pepper kisses along my jaw. “JT.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I love you more than you will ever know.”

  Epilogue

  “Are you guys ready to go?” Striker yells through the house.

  “Am I going this time?” Kiley asks, as she rounds the corner into the kitchen.

  “We’re all going, Ki. I told you that before we came over here,” I confirm.

  She opens the fridge, looking for a snack as she speaks, “I know, but Max told me five hundred times that fishing means it’s a men’s day.”

  “Well, not today,” Striker fills her in. “That is a thing of the past, and while I might still take just the boys on occasion, I prefer to spend time with all of us.”

  Kiley smiles up at him like he’s hung the moon, and I feel a pang of jealousy. Don’t get me wrong. We get along just fine, but I’ve been dating her mother now for six months, and she still hasn’t warmed up to me like she has to Striker.

  Riley seems to think that she’s afraid something will happen and her mother and I will split up, just like things ended with Nate. I know that’s impossible and so does Riley, but I can respect the slow progression of my relationship with Kiley, if that’s what she needs.

  “All right, I have the sunscreen and I packed the cooler full of snacks and drinks. I feel like I’m missing something.” Reagan’s dressed in a bathing suit with a cover-up over top.