Cupcake Love

by Diana Currie

  “You think it’s a he?”

  She smiled in relief. “Yes, that’s what Jack thinks anyway. I’m nine weeks. He’s due August 18th.”

  Shane sighed. “What are you going to do about school?”

  “I’ll have the baby over summer break and either stay in Pittsgrove for a semester or stay in Newark with Jack. He thinks he can do a semester online at Stanford so we can get an apartment together here. Then he’ll transfer to UD. I’ll start back next spring so I won’t be too far behind. Hannah says the campus daycare program is really good.”

  Shane turned to look at me again. I smiled at him and nodded my head. “Baby Hender will get special treatment as long as I work there,” I assured him.

  “Are you and Jack getting married?” he asked.

  “Yes, we’d already talked about it before this happened. We’re going to wait a while though,” she replied.

  “So what can I do, Ally? I want to help you,” Shane said.

  She chuckled. “Help me tell mom and dad?”

  Shane’s expression looked worried again. “How do you think mom will handle it?”

  “I want to wait until I’m past twelve weeks, Shane. I’ll tell her after that.”

  I remembered Shane told me the baby Elise lost last year was about eleven weeks. She probably had one of these sonogram pictures like Shane was still holding in his hand. How awful it must have been for her to lose that baby.

  Shane hugged Ally again and the tension in the room started to subside. Julie politely asked Ally how her symptoms have been affecting her. Ally was more than happy to talk about it with her. I finished clearing the table and Shane helped me wash the dishes.

  “Thank you for being so accepting with this. You don’t know how much she worried about telling you,” I said softly.

  “She’s my sister. She should know she can tell me anything,” he said sounding somewhat offended.

  Shane had barely spoken to me all evening, even before Ally’s big news. Now that we were talking I decided to attempt a civil conversation with him.

  “So, you and Julie are an item now, huh?”

  “Yes, she’s really great. Thank you for introducing us,” he said graciously.

  I laughed at the absurdity of that statement. He couldn’t have thought it had been my intention to find him a suitable female companion, could he? “Well, I’m glad to see you happy again,” I replied.

  He nodded and took another plate from the drying rack. I looked over my shoulder to see Ally and Rachel discussing things the baby will need. Julie was staring at me when I made eye contact with her and she didn’t avert her eyes. It was almost like she wanted me to know she was watching me. I turned back to the sink and didn’t say another word until the dishes were all washed. Shane stood beside me drying each plate as I handed it to him.

  We hung out in the living room for a while and when Ethan said he needed to get home Shane and Julie stood up to leave with him. Ethan hugged Ally goodbye and patted her head. He gave Rachel a kiss goodbye and then came over to hug me. Whispering in my ear, he asked me if I was okay. I assumed he was referring to Julie and I subtly nodded that I was fine. It was far from the truth but I wasn’t in the mood to dwell on my problems that night. I was still relieved by the ease at which Ally’s secret had been revealed to the guys and I wanted to enjoy it.

  After they left Ally let out a huge sigh of relief. “See, I told you he wouldn’t freak out,” Rachel said.

  “I’m so happy right now. I feel like this might actually turn out okay,” Ally replied.

  “Of course it will,” I added. I picked up her ultrasound picture from the kitchen table and walked over to the refrigerator. “No reason we can’t hang baby’s first picture now.”

  Ally and Rachel came over to where I stuck the sonogram photo to the refrigerator door and we all admired it.

  *~*

  It was about a week and a half later when I next spoke to Shane. According to Ethan he’d been going out with Julie every night. I sat next to him in class twice a week but our conversations were limited to the course material and Ally. He hadn’t offered to host a study session since the semester began. It was now the third week of February and I’d had just about enough of this silent treatment. I missed him and the way things used to be.

  When the professor dismissed the class I decided it was time to confront him. We walked out together, both headed in the direction of the dorms. I had to be at the daycare in about an hour.

  “Can we talk for a few minutes?” I asked hesitantly as we walked.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Not exactly. I seem to have lost something rather important to me,” I hinted.

  He looked puzzled. “What did you lose?”

  “My best friend.” I stopped walking.

  “What do you mean?” His voice sounded a little irritated.

  “I mean what is going on with you, Shane?” I demanded. He looked me in the eye but didn’t respond to my question. “Why are you shutting me out? Ever since I got back from Baltimore you’ve been acting weird around me. We’re not as close as we used to be and I hate it,” I said.

  I silently celebrated my mini victory for having had the nerve to confront him. He sighed and ran his hand over his face the way he did when he did when he needed time to think. I could tell he really didn’t want to be having this conversation.

  When he didn’t speak I added, “And don’t tell me it’s because you’ve been busy with Julie. I know that’s not what’s different. This is because of Skype.”

  A harsh expression claimed his face. “I thought we were going to forget about that.”

  “I thought you were always honest with people about your feelings,” I reminded him.

  “What makes you think there were feelings involved?” he asked curtly.

  I paused for a moment because what he said hurt. I thought about Ethan and Ally and how brave they have both been facing unpleasant situations. Surely I had as much courage as them. If I didn’t address my problems with Shane then I might really lose what was special between us. It felt like he was already slipping away and I had to try everything I could to save our friendship. So I pressed on, unsure of what was going to happen.

  “You told me that Skype incident meant nothing to you but I don’t believe that anymore. Why did you sign on to talk to me in the first place?” I asked.

  “You’re the one who readily agreed it meant nothing to you either,” he reminded me.

  “Then what’s going on with us? Why is it so hard for us to get past this?”

  “Maybe I did mean what I said. But if you didn’t feel the same then why didn’t you just sign off?” he countered.

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was that an admission or a hypothetical? The next words spilled out of my mouth like a fountain.

  “You’ve initiated some form of sex with me twice now. And I responded gladly each time. Why does that keep happening with us?”

  He looked stunned by my brazen question. He suddenly became very interested in the floor and was staring at it when he said, “I don’t know.”

  I almost didn’t hear what he said next because he spoke so softly. “I wasn’t using you... I meant every word. But you said it was all a joke to you. You told me you were just playing along.”

  “I only said that because your apology the next morning made me feel shameful. You thought you’d taken advantage of your innocent friend so I knew you regretted… what we did,” I replied.

  “You were just embarrassed,” he said to himself, like he was finally putting the pieces together. Now he understood the truth; he knew that night meant something special to me.

  “So when you said you wished you could kiss me…” I didn’t have the strength to finish the sentence. My heart thundered in my chest and I felt my palms starting to sweat. I thought I might pass out.

  “Yes, that was the truth,” he sighed. “I often think about how good it felt to kiss you that night in your roo
m. I don’t know what it means.”

  Huh? Didn’t it mean he liked me? Wanted me in a sexual way at least? How could he be so confused? That was my role in our relationship. I never had a chance to respond. He quickly filled my silence with words that cut me like a knife.

  “I don’t know what it means that I think those things about you sometimes. All I know is that you’re my best friend and I need you. Being with Julie is so easy. It’s not complicated. Not like this.”

  He looked at me again and said, “You’re right that I’ve been distant and I am sorry. I have so much going on with Ally and my mother, I- I need everything else to be simple. I need you to be my best friend.”

  I stared at him in disbelief. Could he really be doing this to me? In a roundabout way he just admitted he felt something for me, but he wants to ignore it and just keep things the way they are? So he wants Julie as his girlfriend and me as his best friend?

  “I’m still your best friend, Shane, always. I can’t say I haven’t ever thought about being more… but I can understand that it’s not the right time,” I whispered.

  I did understand what he was saying. I needed his friendship too. That’s what got me into this ugly twisted mess. If nothing else we’d acknowledged there was something brewing between us. That had to mean something. If I didn’t agree to his request we would only grow further apart. He’d probably lean on Julie for support instead of me when Ally told their parents about the baby. He’d ask Julie to spend the holidays with the family, spend the summer with them too, and before I knew it he wouldn’t need me anymore. He’d ask her to marry him, they’d move to NYU for his post grad, and they’d be married with a dozen babies before I knew what happened. I couldn’t deal with that. I had to protect my place in his life, regardless if there were plutonic boundaries to obey. I had to matter to him.

  “As long as we still get to have the relationship we’ve always had then I can accept that,” I said sourly. “Just try to remember that you need to actually talk to me for us to be best friends. No more shutting me out.”

  “You’re really okay with this?” he asked, appearing as though he was afraid of my response.

  I slowly nodded my head, staring deep into his eyes. “Don’t I have to be?”

  I felt as though I could see the potential for our relationship slipping away. I was heartbroken. I didn’t want him to see it in my expression so I closed the distance between us and hugged him close. He hugged me back tightly. So much was being said without words in that one embrace. We were expressing how much we needed each other.

  It felt like our bodies were connected for hours. “Thank you, Hanny,” he finally whispered. I felt his lips brush against my hair. Then he pulled away.

  CHAPTER 18: CHARITY CAR WASH

  Sigma Phi Epsilon was hosting their 17th Annual car wash in mid March. Rachel elicited my help in setting up for the fundraiser. We woke up early that Saturday morning and dragged our sleepy butts over to the parking lot near the house to meet the guys. When we arrived Ethan and Riley were already there. They helped us set up the large poster board signs Rachel made. I laid out the snacks and drinks I’d brought for the guys on a little folding table.

  A few more brothers arrived, all dressed in jeans and white t-shirts with their Greek symbols on the back. Every one of them had cut the sleeves off their tees to expose impressive biceps.

  Not quite able to take my eyes off the guys I leaned closer to Rachel and whispered, “Now I see why you volunteered for this particular fundraiser.”

  She snorted and replied, “Hell yeah.”

  A particularly strapping young man with curly brown hair approached us a moment later and asked me where I wanted his stereo. I told him Riley’s jeep had an outlet where he could plug it in. He exclaimed, “Excellent!” and stalked off towards the vehicle.

  “That’s Max,” Rachel explained.

  “Oh, Ethan’s roommate. Interesting.”

  “He’s got a girlfriend,” she warned.

  I rolled my eyes at her. “I was just enjoying the view, Rachel.” She laughed and patted my arm.

  I had been feeling slightly better in the past few weeks. You might think admitting my feelings to the man I loved and being rejected would make me more depressed, but I wouldn’t allow myself to think about my conversation with Shane in that way. I was proud of myself for calling Shane out on his behavior ever since winter break. He admitted he was confused about his feelings for me, so at least that meant he had feelings. And things between us had gotten significantly better after we talked.

  I knew Shane was concerned for his sister. Even though Ally had all of us supporting her it wasn’t easy being pregnant at eighteen with her boyfriend on the other side of the country. Every time Ally needed crackers, or Tums, or ice cream late at night Shane would bring it to her. He was also worried about how Elise would react to the news. He and Ally were both afraid that this baby would be a painful reminder of the child she lost. Elise had made so much progress in the last year, practically back to her old self, and moving on from her grief. I understood Shane was dealing with a lot and I hoped he knew that I was there for him. I was determined to fulfill my promise to be his friend.

  I wasn’t thrilled he was still dating Julie. I thought that would have fizzled out by now. I wanted badly to make Shane face those feelings he admitted he had for me, but with Julie in the picture I knew he would continue to avoid them. I was happier because at least our friendship was slowly being repaired. I could choose to give him more time to deal with his family’s issues and his own if that’s what he needed… but I was aware that Shane hadn’t actually asked me to wait for him, and so I had no intentions of doing so. If he was dating Julie then he must expect me to continue dating too. I didn’t know what my plan was exactly, other than that day it was to enjoy watching some very attractive fraternity brothers wash cars.

  Rachel and I sat in lawn chairs by the food and stereo and handled the money while the guys did the washing and drying of the cars. It was turning out to be more fun than I had expected. About an hour after the car wash officially began Shane pulled up next to Riley’s jeep. Julie was with him and they both came over to us to say hello. Shane was dressed in the same attire as his brothers and I tried very hard not to stare.

  “We were wondering when you two were going to show up,” Rachel greeted them.

  “Sorry we’re late. I couldn’t decide what to wear,” Julie explained, pulling up a chair to sit next to me.

  “Where’s my sister?” Shane asked.

  “She was still sound asleep when we left,” I answered. Ally did a lot of sleeping these days. She was just about done her first trimester, which meant she would need to make that trip home to Pittsgrove soon to finally tell Colin and Elise about the baby.

  Riley called out Shane’s name and just as he turned toward the sound, Ethan launched a soapy wet sponge at Shane. He caught it against his chest soaking through his white shirt. I blushed involuntarily at the eye pleasing sight.

  Water drops landed on Rachel and she shrieked, “Ethan, you ass! You got me all wet!”

  The guys all laughed at her statement which only made her angrier. “Sorry, Rach,” Ethan called out over the laughter and he flashed his great smile. She huffed in response but smiled back at him.

  Shane hustled over to his brothers and began soaping up a big SUV that had just pulled into the lot.

  Julie sighed and said, “Those boys just never grow up do they?”

  Rachel groaned, wiping water off her arms and face. “No, they do not. They are all very lucky they’re pretty.”

  Julie chuckled and said, “Yeah, well I certainly see why you wanted to get here early. Front row seats for gawking.”

  “We’re not gawking, we’re admiring,” I protested.

  Julie laughed. “Whatever you say ladies. I can’t blame you.”

  The three of us sat and chatted for a while. There was a steady stream of cars the first few hours which kept everyone busy. The m
ore time went by the more the guys began goofing around and it wasn’t long before all their shirts were as wet as Shane’s. I tried really hard not to be aroused by the view but it was extremely difficult. Eight attractive fraternity brothers working together in wet t-shirts soaping up vehicles, bending over to reach the tires. Oh boy. An old song came on the radio that provided perfect background music for my fantasies. I reclined a little in my chair and dipped my sunglasses down the bridge of my nose.

  Rachel caught my feet tapping and began singing along, dancing in her chair. Julie followed her lead and rocked back and forth with the beat. I shook my head smiling, refusing to embarrass myself. Rachel wouldn’t let me off the hook that easily and came to stand in front of me with her hand outstretched. She wiggled her hips and sang even louder, purposely trying to make a scene. I reluctantly took her hand. Our dancing caught the attention of the guys who hooted and hollered their appreciation. I felt Shane’s eyes on me and dared to glance over at him. I was correct that he was staring at me and I felt my face blush. I know it was me he was looking at because when I smiled nervously at him he returned my smile immediately.

  When the song finally ended we received a round of applause from the guys. I sunk back to my chair as fast as I could while Rachel took a bow. Ethan walked over to her with a big grin on his face and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her passionately.

  “Mmm, baby. You make me wanna call it a day and take you home right now. You are so damn sexy,” he said.

  Julie and I averted our eyes and snickered. Rachel followed Ethan back to the line of cars leaving Julie and me alone. I wasn’t comfortable around her and usually avoided this kind of situation. For the sake of my friendship with Shane I knew I had to be sociable.

  “So are you seeing anyone right now, Hannah?” she asked conversationally.

  “Um, no. Not right now.”

  “I thought I noticed someone staring at you earlier,” she said nodding toward the guys.